Fun

Morrissey: The Man, the Myth, the Legend…the Boyfriend

Some things to keep in mind before you embark on your imaginary romance with Moz.

Steven Patrick Morrissey, age 13. Illustrations on and manipulations of all these photos by Hattie.

Morrissey is a mythological creature, one we may never really know. We do know that he was the lead singer of the Smiths and a fantastic solo artist, but his private life has remained, through the years, fiercely private. In all of the years I’ve known of Morrissey (25 or so years now of my own life), I’ve never once read in a magazine or on a website about a confirmed romance between him and anyone else. And trust me, I have done my research. In a world where every private experience is mined for publicity, there’s something to be said for that level of secrecy. He should probably be awarded some type of medal.

There are, however, a few details about Morrissey’s life that have been made public—details that give us a clue as to what life may be like with the Mozman, should you find yourself in a romantic situation with him. A few things you may want to know ahead of time. For example:

• Morrissey is a staunch vegetarian. If you eat meat around him there’s a good chance he won’t want to make out with you.

• Morrissey dislikes most music, except for five bands. (These five bands will vary on any day you ask him.)

• He says he has only seven friends.

• He cannot cook anything apart from tea and toast.

• He wears jeans that are two sizes too big for him.

• He hates politicians.

• Morrissey loves girl musicians.

• He also loves beer, old Hollywood, and very large rings.

Since there is no official account from anyone whosoever about what it may be like to be in a relationship with Morrissey, we can only ponder based on these little bits of personal information what it could actually be like to have Morrissey as a real-life, actual boyfriend. What types of things would you do?

If Morrissey were my boyfriend…

We’d lie on the floor all afternoon quoting Oscar Wilde to each other.

We’d go on dates to the Hollywood Forever cemetery and take Instagram photos in front of the Johnny Ramone memorial.

We’d do each other’s hair and I’d finally learn how to give myself a proper blow dry and quiff.

We’d paint each other’s nails.

We’d giggle about music we both think is stupid—which is pretty much everything that isn’t the New York Dolls, Sparks, or Patti Smith.

We’d spend every single afternoon by the pool.

We’d drive down the Pacific Coast Highway with the top down, listening to Diana Dors songs, and he’d sing along while seductively raising his big big beautiful eyebrows at me.

We’d go shopping together, but I’d let him pick everything out since he naturally has much better taste than me.

I’d cook for us—big, romantic vegetarian feasts—and save him from his life of tea and toast. (One cannot live on tea and toast alone.)

He’d write love songs about us on his antique typewriter in the bathtub.

We’d end each day crawling underneath the covers with our clothes on to watch James Dean movies in bed until we fell asleep.

Then we’d get up the next day, and do all of it all over again. ♦

Kristina Fleischer is a Los Angeles native and digital geek working in social media for broadcast television. Her interests include denim, the beach, the Undertones, and the films of Pedro Almodóvar. You can find her on Twitter here.

49 Comments

  • Naomi May 25th, 2012 7:09 PM

    swoon

  • horreure May 25th, 2012 7:10 PM

    this is the best article ever

  • suburban grrrl May 25th, 2012 7:11 PM

    That is soooo perfect. My best friend and I are literally kind of obsessed with Morrissey. WHO ISN’T?

    I’m pretty sure he’s celibate now, but I thought it was pretty accepted that he was, in Downton Abbey terms, “not a lady’s-man.”

    http://sub-urbangrrrl.blogspot.com/

  • Sonja May 25th, 2012 7:15 PM

    ooooh this is BEAUTIFUL. i love it all…especially those photo manipulations by Hattie!!

  • megan May 25th, 2012 7:17 PM

    this is literally the best thing ever

  • tappytappyjane May 25th, 2012 7:24 PM

    this is adorable and awesome.

  • Isobel-cat May 25th, 2012 7:24 PM

    THIS DEFINES MY LIFE

  • dumbelina May 25th, 2012 7:36 PM

    De-lurking to say that I adore Hattie’s aesthetic!

  • Tyknos93 May 25th, 2012 8:12 PM

    This post is LEGEND. I have been listening to nothing but The Smiths, The Cure Joy Division and Echo & The Bunnymen since February and This sums up most of my feelings for Morrissey. What a Handsome Devil. The drawings are so cute!

    http://blazoningpens.blogspot.com/

    • thetallestgirlonearth May 26th, 2012 5:59 AM

      That’s brilliant! I have spent the past few years worrying that I was the only one under 40 who had heard of Echo and the Bunnymen. I also love Joy Division and The Cure and, of course, The Smiths :)

  • Carmela May 25th, 2012 8:19 PM

    This is beautiful.

  • deuxiemesexe May 25th, 2012 8:20 PM

    All my dreams in one article. Also, the last occasion I saw Morrissey, I realized that we are soul mates as we were both wearing the same nail polish at the time.
    PS: Kristina Fleischer, I love you. Someone who interests include Undertones and
    Almodóvar (and Mozz) can only be my twin sister.

  • teenager May 25th, 2012 8:47 PM

    everything you’ve said = my thoughts exactly

    Morrissey has always been such an interest to me, I own SO many books and have watched so many random documentaries/interviews and he just does not fail to be completely mysterious and fucking AWESOMELY arrogant about everything. he’s obviously a very sensitive dude, from his lyrics, but he puts up this wall and it’s just hjlkadslkhfdsa

    I’ll always remember when he said in some interview that he “only had 7 friends”. it wasn’t surprising that he had a small number necessarily, I just love how he precisely pinpointed 7.

    luv luv luv luv Morrissey ♥____♥
    http://interstellarsuburbia.wordpress.com/

  • KateV May 25th, 2012 8:54 PM

    Rookie is the reason I started listening to Morrissey. Thanks :D

    • Anaheed May 25th, 2012 10:27 PM

      Basically the best thing we have ever done.

  • infinitelena May 25th, 2012 8:56 PM

    I love Morrissey! this reminds me of Lauren Weinstein’s Girl Stories where she frolics in the cemetery and revel in her awkwardness with morrissey

    http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v52/fishnette/morrisseylaurenweinstein.jpg

    http://books.google.com/books?id=d1Df5YVe1BEC&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_ge_summary_r&cad=0#v=onepage&q&f=false

  • Antionette May 25th, 2012 9:49 PM

    I absolutely can’t put into words how much I love this.

  • May 25th, 2012 10:27 PM

    This post RULES!!!L

  • derryone May 25th, 2012 10:45 PM

    It’s so fascinating to see the resurgence of love for Morrissey! Having lived through period in history when his songs were new I am loving that he’s made his way back in to the hearts of smart young women!
    My mom, a total 60′s & 70′s fashionista, always told me that everything old will be new again and that all things come around again. Here is a perfect example. My late 80′s early 90′s (yes that was in the 1900′s ;0) “new wave” friends and I “wore black on the outside because that is how we felt on the inside” because of bands like The Smiths (Reel around the Fountain anyone??) If you love Morrissey (which I happen to dislike…loved him in The Smiths, hated him solo) you might also dig up some vintage Cure, Joy Division, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Kate Bush, This Mortal Coil…
    enjoy ladies, you are changing the world, and as a fellow Oak Parker I am fiercely proud of what you are all doing! Smart, smart young women can change the world!

  • erin May 25th, 2012 10:55 PM

    MORR-ISS-EY! MORR-ISS-EY!

  • sarabigail May 25th, 2012 11:12 PM

    <3 ___ <3 Morrissey!! <3 __ <3

  • amelia May 26th, 2012 2:12 AM

    i saw him the other day! IT WAS FANTASTIC HE SANG HOW SOON IS NOW, WHICH IS MY FAVOURITE.

  • ivoire May 26th, 2012 2:29 AM

    naaaw

  • Caden May 26th, 2012 3:17 AM

    This is adorable. Although I didn’t know who he was before this article!

    Caden x
    http://www.etsy.com/shop/pinkpoppies1991

  • whodatgal May 26th, 2012 3:29 AM

    this was so cute. Loved the illustrations- so cool Hattie! P.S My friend’s Dad is in the Undertones!

  • Livia May 26th, 2012 3:42 AM

    It’s so nice to wake up on Saturday morning to an article like this. I’m curling under the covers and day dreaming until noon.

  • Ginger May 26th, 2012 4:02 AM

    I have a penpal form the US (I’m in England) who is as obsessed with the Moz as I am, and we send each other Moz-themed packages in the post and swoon at his gloriousness. Very pleased to see that we’re not the only people in the world who love him to pieces!

    • Phoebe O June 6th, 2012 4:15 PM

      That is so cool! I want to be your pen pal!

  • thetallestgirlonearth May 26th, 2012 5:57 AM

    This is amazing… NOBODY I know shares anything near the adoration I have for Morrissey (most have barely even heard of the Smiths) but I log on here and there’re millions!

  • herdinthehalls May 26th, 2012 8:51 AM

    I’ve always wondered what his first name is. Apparently, Steven.

  • Dcupcakes May 26th, 2012 12:09 PM

    But he’s a racist!

    • saltwater May 27th, 2012 7:17 AM

      thank you for being the first person to bring this up!
      this article is really beautiful. i love the concept and the artwork and it’s just really sweet.
      i also love morrissey. the first cd i ever bought when i was a wee nine-r was a compilation of the smiths’ singles and i played it religiously- it was my induction into awesome music- and morrissey and johnny and co assumed a very special place in my heart reserved for the best of the best.
      THEN when i was a teen, my indian dad played me the song “bengali in platforms” to highlight that moz is maybe not totally cool and, as an indian/brit, it totally shook me. i was heartbroken. i still love and listen to the smiths, but it’s never been quite the same.
      morrissey is fab and perf in many ways. BUT since rookie is a feminist website and intersectionality matters, i think it’s important to make some mention of his repugnant social views (just two years ago he referred to the chinese as a “subspecies” in a guardian interview) so that we can differentiate ourselves from them.

      tl;dr: moz and the smiths are awesome and this article is gorgeous, but feminist criticism is important and the fact that he has said some very un-ambiguously racist things should not go ignored on a feminist website.

    • Tyknos93 May 29th, 2012 11:01 AM

      Oh goodness REALLY? I’ll have to look into it. That really does suck if it’s true! However many artists have questionable private lives, not that it makes racism okay. I still love his music though, but yeah that REALLY would hurt if it’s true.

  • Jennifer T May 26th, 2012 12:29 PM

    This is wonderful, Kristina! And it inspired a line in a poem I wrote when a small but scary nocturnal tormentor kept me up last night:

    http://mortalsenseofbeauty.typepad.com/mortal-sense-of-beauty/2012/05/fair-enough.html

  • limegreensunset May 26th, 2012 2:29 PM

    this perfect.

  • vanguardinspace May 26th, 2012 11:16 PM

    This is fantastic! What a lovely dream

    For any interested parties, pictures of teenage Morrissey…Why are there no boys like this at my high schoool? : http://www.retronaut.co/2012/05/teenage-morrissey-1970s/

  • maddzwx May 27th, 2012 12:31 AM

    too fantastic

  • riotgrrrl May 27th, 2012 4:16 PM

    While I LOVE the idea behind this post, (plus the fact that I have dozens of imaginary boyfriends myself) I can’t help but point out that my views of Morrissey (despite his animal rights activism etc) are forever marred by the fact that he is INSANELY racist… he has actually described Chinese people as a “subspecies”.
    It makes me sad because I love the concept, I just can’t bring myself to love a man who thinks like that :(

    • Anaheed May 28th, 2012 9:10 PM

      For what it’s worth, while Morrissey has an amazing talent for putting his foot in his mouth, and has said loads of questionable things to the press over the years, and while in this case his words could not have been worse chosen, he was responding specifically (in a stupid way) to the mistreatment of animals in China. In case you have not seen it, he wrote a letter condemning racism in response to the accusation here:

      http://true-to-you.net/morrissey_news_071203_02

  • Holidickeys May 27th, 2012 8:33 PM

    Teenage Moz photos are amazing – I can hear Headmaster’s Ritual playing in my head.

  • rolaroid May 28th, 2012 2:39 PM

    so no one cares that he’s a racist, huh?

    • Jennifer T May 29th, 2012 11:50 AM

      I care. But I also feel that if we refused to celebrate talented people who also have demonstrated some kind of moral or ethical failings, then there would be pretty much no one to celebrate, leaving websites like Rookie somewhat threadbare. (I mean, apparently even Mother Theresa–who has become a cultural cliche of moral perfection–has her own scandals!: http://www.sfweekly.com/2012-01-11/news/mother-teresa-catholic-church-john-hardon-donald-mcguire-child-abuse-jesuits/)

      But rather than ignoring our idols’ failings, I think we should talk about them. At the very least it makes them more human and three-dimensional. So it’s good that this came up in the comments. How many readers knew about Morrissey’s fierce love of animals and hatred of animal abuse? That’s something that made him all the more appealing to me years ago. It’s terrible that his passion made him say ugly things, but, again, he is human.

  • cicconeyouth May 28th, 2012 10:06 PM

    During our romance, Moz and I would go dancing (even though I don’t dance at all). Please watch the “Interesting Drug” video to be equally transfixed and confused by his moves.

  • Katherine M May 29th, 2012 1:30 PM

    I love Morrissey. His lyrics are not only clever and intriguing, but beautiful and sad. One time I was listening to The Smiths in Science class and I cried! Not very much though. I created a very complex, time consuming computerized masterpiece for my blog – see this post http://daisieschains.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/to-die-by-your-side-is-such-heavenly.html

  • oriana May 29th, 2012 11:57 PM

    this is literally the greatest thing i have ever read ever ever ever in the history of the internet

  • Mickeyy May 31st, 2012 12:38 AM

    I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW.
    But seriously, this is fantastic. (。♥‿♥。)

    mediocre-misadventures.blogspot.com

  • marinatabina May 31st, 2012 10:19 PM

    oh! this is perfect!

  • Erykaneisha June 1st, 2012 12:46 AM

    Oh my GOD!
    I’ve known The Smiths since I was 11 years old and I’ve never turned back again. I seriously love this man & I am quite fortunate to have a bf who loves him too! (We tend to speak to each other in Smiths & Moz lyrics[:)
    I just want to say thank you for posting this. I saw him last week in concert in Bakersfield & I feel like such a badass saying my first concert – at 16 – was a Morrissey one. And I cried like a little bitch because it was so emotional for me <3
    I honestly hate how nobody knows him! It took me almost 2 months to find someone to come to the concert with me, which was funny because the chick was in my art class the whole time!
    Anyway, thanks again. You guys soooo get me & rest of the readers I wish I had friends like them<3