Dear Diary

May 9, 2012

Big hugs, Rubes.

Illustration by Minna

We’re only running one diary this week, Ruby’s, because we’re too sad to edit the other ones right now. Minna, Dylan, Naomi, and Katherine will be back next week.

Ruby

My mother died last night. She was far away from us when it happened.

I don’t want to think about why.

She was in so much pain for so much of her life, and she stayed here for us until she couldn’t.

The last time I remember speaking to her was when she took us to Target. She was in a rush and wasn’t paying too much attention to me. The day before we had cried together and said we love each other. She said she loves me so much. I said I love her too. I hope she believed me.

She dropped us off at school on Monday. That’s the last time I saw her before she left us and then everything. I think I remember being mad at her and leaving without a word. My sister says that was on Friday, and that the last thing I said was goodbye.

I’m so sorry for acting like I hated her sometimes. She isn’t like anyone else and she understands me more than anyone.

We were so close and yet so distant. Is this a memory? Is this a dream?

I keep telling myself I’m going to wake up and she will be home. I was angry at her for leaving home until I heard she was gone forever. Now I don’t know what to think.

I feel empty. I feel like I can’t cry as much as I should. I don’t understand and it doesn’t feel real. My brother and sister cried, too. Of course they did. We all love her.

I searched her room, trying to find things that smelled like her. I needed to find something. I found her favorite coat—the same coat that led me to believe she would come back because I thought she would never leave without it.

I don’t know if I can ever see anything the same way again.

“You write essays as good as David Sedaris,” she said in the car one time. She was saying I probably had ADD and was reassuring me that nothing was wrong with me.

“You are perfect,” she has said countless times. She is perfect, but her problems sometimes overshadowed the real her. She’s perfect now.

I love you, Mom, and I’m so sorry that I didn’t act like it all the time. I love you. ♦

160 Comments

  • purplebabaushka May 9th, 2012 7:04 PM

    so much love to you Rublington <3

    http://purplebabaushka.wordpress.com/

  • KinuKinu May 9th, 2012 7:12 PM

    …………………….I’m so sorry…..I…..am…so…sorry….I hope you’re okay and I know that your mom knows you love her♥ I am really sorry, Ruby…..

  • Anna F. May 9th, 2012 7:14 PM

    My deepest condolences, Ruby. A million hugs.

  • eireann May 9th, 2012 7:16 PM

    Ruby…I hope you find the strength to get through this. I’m really sorry :( Much love.

  • Jamia May 9th, 2012 7:18 PM

    Dearest Ruby,
    Sending love to you and your family. I’m so sorry…Warm and healing thoughts xoxo Jamia

  • Kathryn May 9th, 2012 7:19 PM

    I am SO sorry, Ruby. Life is really tough, but you seem really strong. I hope with all of my heart that you can find peace. Sending hugs to you and your family. xoxo

  • Celiabow May 9th, 2012 7:20 PM

    Rookie loves you Ruby. Keep strong :)
    You are an amazing person.

  • Miss Erin May 9th, 2012 7:20 PM

    I am crying, and sending you and your siblings so, so much love.

  • Elena May 9th, 2012 7:21 PM

    Ruby, my strongest condolences. I do not know you, but I send you and your family my thoughts.

  • Arabelle May 9th, 2012 7:22 PM

    my darling Ruby, I wish I could hug you so much right now. love and thoughts and tears to you my angel.

  • moonchild May 9th, 2012 7:29 PM

    RUBY. I am so sorry. You are such a beautiful person with a beautiful soul and I’m sure your mother was too.

    I will do one hundred mantras for you and your family tonight.

    Love,
    Gwen

  • isadora May 9th, 2012 7:33 PM

    I’m sorry, Ruby. My thoughts for you and your family.

    <3

  • VictoryBelle May 9th, 2012 7:33 PM

    Prayers and long distance hugs xxx

  • Nomi May 9th, 2012 7:35 PM

    oh my god…Ruby dear I’m so sorry…I can’t imagine what you must be going through right now. Poor thing <3

  • loveyoufromafar May 9th, 2012 7:36 PM

    I’m so, so sorry Ruby. My deepest condolences are with you and your family. And I hope you know that all of us here on Rookie love you so much. You are really truly wonderful x

  • Marlena May 9th, 2012 7:36 PM

    I am so so sorry Ruby! I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through right now. I’m sending all of my love and virtual hugs your way! <3 <3 <3

  • abigail May 9th, 2012 7:37 PM

    RUBY, I am sending you a thousand internet hugs. You seem like the coolest person and it really stinks that the worst things have to happen to the best people. You have my condolences.

  • Emmie May 9th, 2012 7:37 PM

    Dear Ruby,
    I can’t even imagine what this feels like for you. But at least I can offer my thoughts and love for you and your family along with all the other Rookies. <3

  • Ginny May 9th, 2012 7:38 PM

    Sending love and a million hugs to you and your family.

  • Olivia May 9th, 2012 7:41 PM

    <3 so much love

  • Juniper May 9th, 2012 7:42 PM

    Sending my love.

  • Eleanor May 9th, 2012 7:43 PM

    I send my prayers and love to you Ruby…Stay strong. I truly believe that your mum knows that you love her with all your heart <3

  • Lucy23 May 9th, 2012 7:45 PM

    RUBY~
    I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I want to give a huge hug right now. Just remember that you have all of your friends and all of us at Rookie. We’re here for you. I’m sending you all my prayers and love <3 Lucy

  • bellagirl May 9th, 2012 7:45 PM

    I’m so sorry. Stay strong. We all love you <3

  • bookworm123 May 9th, 2012 7:47 PM

    Oh my gosh. I’m sending you and your family so many hugs and love.

  • Impybat May 9th, 2012 7:48 PM

    Oh Ruby, how awful. I’m so sorry. (((HUGS))).

  • EmilyJn May 9th, 2012 7:49 PM

    Well done on this brave, brave post. With love from England x

  • Selenium May 9th, 2012 7:52 PM

    Can’t even begin to fathom what your going through. So much love and good wishes to you right now. Stat as strong and beautiful as always!

  • darksideoftherainbow May 9th, 2012 7:53 PM

    I’m so sorry, Ruby. When we are close to someone they can know how we feel even when we don’t act like or don’t say it. I’m sure your mother knew that you love her.

    My deepest love and condolences to you and your family.

    Rookie, I think it a truly lovely thing that you only ran this diary today. It gives Ruby’s mother and Ruby great respect.

  • aliceee May 9th, 2012 7:54 PM

    I’m so sorry Ruby. Lots of love & hugs to you & your family.

  • rainingmay May 9th, 2012 7:59 PM

    I can’t imagine my mother dying. Much love to you, Ruby.

  • Tyknos93 May 9th, 2012 8:00 PM

    Oh my. I’m so sorry Ruby. My heart goes out to you and your family.

  • TheAwesomePossum May 9th, 2012 8:01 PM

    I’m so so sorry Ruby. I send you my love and prayers, and I hope you and your family will be okay.

  • lorobird May 9th, 2012 8:03 PM

    I’m so sorry Ruby, I wish you and your family much strength.

  • DitzyMo May 9th, 2012 8:05 PM

    Ruby I wish I could give you a massive hug right now <3 Stay strong <3

  • bellaumbrella May 9th, 2012 8:05 PM

    Dear Ruby, sending you and your family lots of love xxx

  • grrrlinacoma May 9th, 2012 8:07 PM

    My condolences ruby… but know that you still have your rookies <3

  • Thepunkrocker May 9th, 2012 8:11 PM

    CRYING!!!!!! :( I’m so sorry RUby for your loss. I just can’t believe it.

  • Kaleidoscopeeyes May 9th, 2012 8:11 PM

    I feel worthless even saying sorry because I don’t get it. How could I? And I’m just a commentor on the internet. But I want you to know that if I could take everything that everyone wanted to say to you but couldn’t, everything they felt but just couldn’t form into words, I would, and I would send it all to you with a million bouquets of your favorite flower.
    Much love,
    Alli

  • Fortune_Goddess May 9th, 2012 8:13 PM

    My condolences, Ruby. I am so sorry for your loss. <3

  • GlitterKitty May 9th, 2012 8:17 PM

    I’m so sorry for your loss, Ruby. Massive love and hugs to you and your family. Stay strong.

  • Brit May 9th, 2012 8:20 PM

    Aw ruby, i am so sorry. Stay strong honey.

  • ghostkisses May 9th, 2012 8:31 PM

    dearest rubes,
    i am deeply sorry for your loss, please stay strong, girl. i am sending you many hugs and kisses via the internet<3

  • May 9th, 2012 8:42 PM

    I’m so sorry Ruby, I know words are irrelevant at a time like this but I’m so sorry xoxo stay strong <3

  • CLynn May 9th, 2012 8:59 PM

    Oh my dear, I’m so sorry for you. I recently lost my father and I know that all you can think of is how you weren’t nice enough and full of regrets. But please don’t let yourself believe that you weren’t a good daughter, your mother clearly loved you very much and you loved her. This probably isn’t something you’ll ever get over but with time, it’s easier to cope.
    <3

  • Katherine May 9th, 2012 9:04 PM

    Ruby, you’re a beautiful person and a beautiful writer and I hope that you will stay strong. Love you much.

  • indigosunday May 9th, 2012 9:07 PM

    OMG this made me so sad. like really killer. Virtual hugs to u, Ruby

  • maebefunke May 9th, 2012 9:08 PM

    Ruby you’re the effing coolest and you’ll get through this and anything else. Us rookie girls are strong.
    I never comment but I really do love the site and the community around it.

  • Devan May 9th, 2012 9:15 PM

    Ruby,
    I am so sorry for your loss. You are a wonderful person. Don’t ever think that your mother didn’t know just how much you truly love her. Stay strong. <3

  • Claudia May 9th, 2012 9:24 PM

    I’m sorry for your loss and I really hope that things get better soon.

  • Mads May 9th, 2012 9:26 PM

    I’m so sorry, Ruby. Stay strong. Much love. <3

  • Sputnick May 9th, 2012 9:34 PM

    So much love to you.

  • stefx May 9th, 2012 9:37 PM

    i am so, so sorry, ruby. sending you all my love. stay strong, girl.

  • Nikkita May 9th, 2012 9:37 PM

    <3

  • Sarah May 9th, 2012 9:38 PM

    crying on my computer. sending love from california.
    <3<3<3<3<3<3

  • LittleMissE May 9th, 2012 9:39 PM

    Ruby, I know it doesn’t really help anything, but I’m truly sorry. I’m sending hugs and prayers and love your way, dearie. Stay strong, hun – this totally sucks, but I promise it’ll be okay <3

  • cleobea May 9th, 2012 9:39 PM

    I am so so sorry for your loss. This piece is really touching. I hope you all the best.

  • SweetThangVintage May 9th, 2012 9:48 PM

    Ruby I’m so sorry.

  • unicorn May 9th, 2012 9:50 PM

    I’m really sorry. Mentally sending all my love and strength and sorries and hugs to you.

  • Maddy May 9th, 2012 9:53 PM

    This is very brave and pure. I’m sorry, and I hope you have everything you need right now.

  • myy May 9th, 2012 9:55 PM

    I am so sorry for your loss Ruby. I am sending you all my love and hugs. Stay strong darling.

  • Kristen May 9th, 2012 9:56 PM

    <3<3<3

    Musee des Beaux Arts by W. H. Auden

    About suffering they were never wrong,
    The old Masters: how well they understood
    Its human position: how it takes place
    While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along;
    How, when the aged are reverently, passionately waiting
    For the miraculous birth, there always must be
    Children who did not specially want it to happen, skating
    On a pond at the edge of the wood:
    They never forgot
    That even the dreadful martyrdom must run its course
    Anyhow in a corner, some untidy spot
    Where the dogs go on with their doggy life and the torturer's horse
    Scratches its innocent behind on a tree.

    In Breughel's Icarus, for instance: how everything turns away
    Quite leisurely from the disaster; the ploughman may
    Have heard the splash, the forsaken cry,
    But for him it was not an important failure; the sun shone
    As it had to on the white legs disappearing into the green
    Water, and the expensive delicate ship that must have seen
    Something amazing, a boy falling out of the sky,
    Had somewhere to get to and sailed calmly on.

  • Margaret May 9th, 2012 9:57 PM

    Dearest Ruby,

    I lost my mother almost seven years ago when I was 11 years old. I know exactly how you feel right now. Your words described that indescribably numb feeling perfectly. I know this might not make sense to you right now but it gets easier every day. Death is kind of like a boulder. It hits you unexpectedly and the pain can be daunting but with time and patience you will grow to endure the pain. With time, the boulder will seem to get smaller and easier to bear– easier to live with– but it never goes away. Just like your mother’s memory will never go away. You will happen upon your mother’s scent one day or maybe a memory will pop into your mind unexpectedly and you must know that its okay to remember her and its okay to cry. Its also okay to not cry right now because you are in shock. Just remember that a person always feels better after crying. You mother’s life and influence will always be a part of you but now, her death will be a part of you too. Unfortunately, someone’s loss becomes something that you carry around with you everywhere but their beautiful memory becomes something that you hold dearly as well. With time, you will be able to move forward and be the person you want to be– and the person your mother would have been proud of. Just know that we all love you.

  • Kaylahh96 May 9th, 2012 9:58 PM

    Dear Ruby,
    I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending positive thoughts your way. I know all the Rookie readers love you! <3

  • Rachael May 9th, 2012 10:01 PM

    Ruby, I’m so, so sorry that you’re going through this. My heart is breaking for you.

  • teenager May 9th, 2012 10:07 PM

    Stay strong Ruby, you are beautiful and everyone here at Rookie is here for you. Sending my internet-hugs and virtual-vibes your way <3

  • allmypastandfutures May 9th, 2012 10:08 PM

    Oh god Ruby…so so sorry :( we all love you and we’ll be keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. rookie loves you.

  • MissKnowItAll May 9th, 2012 10:17 PM

    Dear Ruby,
    First of all, I want to give you my deepest condolences. I do understand what your going through. And I’m not gonna lie. I does hurt and it does feel unreal. Don’t hold anything in. If you need to cry, just let it out. If you need to vent and scream, just do it. Only time can make you feel better right now, but just remember one thing. If you ever need any support or help, all of Rookie will be standing by your side. Like you, I lost someone that I loved very much. She was very young and when she died it felt surreal, like I was dreaming or something. And you don’t know how much my heart breaks for you right now. My love and hope is with you.
    -R

  • ironsides May 9th, 2012 10:21 PM

    everyone is rooting for you. the amount of good energy coming your way right now is staggering, love. this sucks so much but you will get through this. you’ll always remember and love your mother. she will always be a part of your life, even if she physically can’t be there with you.

  • Sterling87 May 9th, 2012 10:22 PM

    Ruby, I love reading what you post in the diaries and I was so shocked to see this when I came online today. I can’t imagine what you’re going through but I send my love.

  • Trini3 May 9th, 2012 10:24 PM

    Stay strong Ruby! Lots of love to you and your family from VA <3 <3 <3

  • Caden May 9th, 2012 10:29 PM

    Your mother knew you loved her and you know she loved you. Stay strong sweetheart. Xxxxxxxx

  • Frannie Lou May 9th, 2012 10:37 PM

    Ruby,
    I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I can’t say that I have any idea what it feels like to be in your position, because I don’t, but just know that I’m sending my love to you and your family, as well as an abundance of virtual hugs. Rookie loves you so much. <3

  • weetzie May 9th, 2012 10:45 PM

    Ruby–
    Condolences from Chicago. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  • decemberbaby May 9th, 2012 10:59 PM

    Ruby, I am so, so sorry. I don’t know you, but you bet I’ll be sending my thoughts and prayers and love your way.

    It’s perfectly normal to be shocked, and numb, and not crying or grieving the way you think you maybe should be. For me, after my dad died, the grief came in little, far-apart waves, and it took a year and a half for me to begin grieving on a regular basis. You don’t have to feel guilty for any of your reactions or emotions.

    Also, in time, both your grief and your regrets will get better. I think regret is one of the biggest and worst parts of dealing with a loss of a loved one. The truth is that she loved you and knew you loved her, and she changed you and made you who you are so much that you are carrying on her spirit just by living and being yourself. <3

  • Jenny May 9th, 2012 11:08 PM

    Ruby, you’re in our hearts, and your mom is right about your writing–you’re funny and unique and deeply affecting. The world is lucky you’re in it and we’re here for you in this very difficult time <3

  • thepurplegirl May 9th, 2012 11:18 PM

    Ruby I’m so sorry for your loss hugs <3

  • alesssurprise May 9th, 2012 11:27 PM

    ;_; <3 Ruby, lots of love. Be safe. You will get through this.
    Alessandra.

  • Laia May 9th, 2012 11:28 PM

    we all love you so much ruby. <3

  • kem247 May 9th, 2012 11:31 PM

    Ruby you are a strong young lady! I will pray for you and your family and stay strong!
    *internet hug*

  • lonelyrollingstar May 9th, 2012 11:38 PM

    Ruby,
    Losing someone so close is so hard, I can relate. Hold on to all the good memories, learn from the bad. You’ll be in my thoughts and stay strong.

    Much love from Texas.

  • crimsonlips May 9th, 2012 11:52 PM

    I’m sorry for your loss Ruby.

  • Katherine May 10th, 2012 12:10 AM

    Sending you all my love.

  • fishintheC May 10th, 2012 12:24 AM

    Ruby, I can’t even begin to imagine how awful this must feel. I am so unbelievably sorry. And know that you never have to blame yourself for what’s happened, ever. I feel your pain so keenly because of what I’ve gone through with my own mother, and I wish you healing, and strength, and maybe even happiness at one point. The openness and trust you must have for the rookie community is touching, because the only thing harder than losing your mom at a young age is having the courage to talk about it. This is so unjust, and horrifyingly tragic, but I can already tell, even through this single entry, how grounded and caring you are.

    Much love

    -Maya

  • Bren May 10th, 2012 12:45 AM

    Ruby, we love you! And may your mom rest in peace, wherever she may be. We are here for you.

  • Dylan May 10th, 2012 12:47 AM

    Ruby, you inspire me every week and I am sending you every single love beam that can come out of my heart. I want to give you everything in the world right now, because seeing someone as beautiful as you go through something so heartbreaking is so sad. So much unlimited love to you.

  • lula May 10th, 2012 12:53 AM

    ruby, i can imagine the last thing you want to hear is another “i’m sorry for your loss” or whatever, but i really am sorry, and although this would be awfully creepy face-to-face, i guess, or, in real life, whatever you want to call it, because we don’t know each other, i’d love to run up and hug you and share my raisinets with you. i’m sure, one-hundred percent sure, your mom knew you loved her and i’m sure that you feel like you didn’t show her enough love, but ruby, i’m sure she wouldn’t resent you for that. we’re hormonal teenage girls, and even though that isn’t an excuse, i know your mom would understand. i don’t know if this is making sense or not, but you are funny like david sedaris and you are perfect. you are, and i’m positive anyone reading or writing rookie can agree. we all love you, ruby!

  • megantron May 10th, 2012 12:59 AM

    Oh Ruby, I am so, so sorry. My thoughts are with you and your family.

  • whodatgal May 10th, 2012 1:50 AM

    Oh Ruby, my strongest condolensceces to you at this hard time, I can’t even how much of a hard time you’re going through. A million hugs to the moon and back. We love you here at ROOKIE and you inspire us with every post. Stay strong.

    -O

  • Stephanie May 10th, 2012 1:56 AM

    Love and hugs to you and your family. And your mom definitely knows you love her. Let her love shelter you right now, too.

  • KatGirl May 10th, 2012 2:15 AM

    That’s so sad. I know how that feels. One of my friends died about a week ago.

  • Mollie May 10th, 2012 2:50 AM

    I’m really sorry, Ruby. All of Rookie loves you!

    Let us know what we can do (no matter how weird or insignificant) to help you.

  • glasspopcorn May 10th, 2012 2:53 AM

    ruby, this is an awesome writeup and i’m incredibly sorry to hear about what happened. it was a pleasure to talk briefly with you and your mom, and i hope everything’s going alright – it seems like she left you with some incredibly valuable experiences.

  • TD May 10th, 2012 3:01 AM

    I feel ya. I, too, lost a parent recently.

    It will get better, but it will take a shitload of time.

  • TessAnnesley May 10th, 2012 3:13 AM

    Darling darling darling Ruby, I’m ever so sorry for your loss. Massive group hug from all us Rookies. :(

  • Lillypod17 May 10th, 2012 3:40 AM

    I can’t even imagine…what you are feeling right now. I never will.
    My deepest regrets for your loss.
    I’ll be thinking of you today…
    xoxoxoxoxooxo

  • ivoire May 10th, 2012 4:22 AM

    Oh dear, I am so heartbroken for you right now. Ruby, we all have regrets when somebody leaves permanently. My dad had a heart attack last night and I realised how quickly someone can go away forever. I realised how much I depended on him. But don’t let regret get in your way of life. She loved you and you may feel you haven’t fulfilled her back with love, but I’m sure every second she spent with you was worthwhile. She would want you to live your life fully, I am sure. All my condolences and love go to you and your family.

  • Alienor May 10th, 2012 4:43 AM

    You are so brave Ruby. Lots of love from France. Stay strong.

  • meels May 10th, 2012 4:58 AM

    I am so extremely sorry for your loss, it’s heartbreaking. Well done for being able to write about it, it takes a lot of courage. Take as much time as you need to process. Lots of good wishes to you and your family xxxx

  • bridiebird May 10th, 2012 5:58 AM

    I’m really sorry, I wish I could give you a hug!
    Thank you for sharing your personal feelings with us, it’s very brave and I honor you and the love you have for your mum.

  • Eliza May 10th, 2012 6:13 AM

    Of course, she knows you love her. She is your mom. Moms know everything.

  • wissycosh May 10th, 2012 6:35 AM

    Without your words I could not go on. Please do. Deepest thoughts and thoughts.

  • Narnie May 10th, 2012 7:43 AM

    Ruby, words can’t even do justice to what you must be going through, but I feel like these are appropriate:

    The tree is more than first a seed,
    Then a stem, then a living trunk, and then dead timber.
    The tree is a slow, enduring force straining to win the sky.

    All my deepest love and condolences for you and your family.

  • Emma S. May 10th, 2012 8:09 AM

    Ruby, we all adore you, and are so heartbroken. Lots and lots of Rookie love to you.

  • I.ila May 10th, 2012 8:22 AM

    Power to you, Ruby

  • anikeiko May 10th, 2012 10:06 AM

    Dear Ruby.

    I lost both my parents recently.

    I get the disbelief, the regret, guilt, confusion, disorientation….I get it.

    Hang tight, baby.

  • ieng May 10th, 2012 10:18 AM

    it hurts, it must have. but always how much she loves you, the love is always there.

  • Dayzee May 10th, 2012 10:31 AM

    Ruby, I am so, so sorry. I can’t imagine how sad I would feel if this same thing happened to me, and I don’t want to. You seem to be coping well, I mean, you’re doing pretty well even being able to write an article about this. You are an absolutely mind blowing writer, really interesting and talented. I know you will get through this, but don’t forget you have all the Rookie staff and readers to help you along the way.

    x

  • alicerose May 10th, 2012 11:34 AM

    much love Ruby xx

  • Steph. May 10th, 2012 11:51 AM

    Ruby, all my love for you and your family! Stay strong! (:

  • DymondMag May 10th, 2012 12:11 PM

    Thankyou so much for writing this and for being so brave. Stay strong <3

  • WitchesRave May 10th, 2012 12:27 PM

  • Izzy May 10th, 2012 1:03 PM

    Oh Ruby, I’m so sorry for you at this time.

  • Claudia May 10th, 2012 1:18 PM

    I’m so sorry for your loss, Ruby, all my love goes to you and your family. I’ve never experienced anything like this, so I hope my condolences don’t seem glib- I really hope you can feel better soon x

  • Pia May 10th, 2012 1:27 PM

    Sending love to you Ruby. I think this will happen to my mother as well, and I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t think we can, even as devoted, loving, beautiful daughters.

  • tallulahpond May 10th, 2012 1:29 PM

    Ruby, I’m sending you my love. I can only imagine what it must be like to lose your mother, but I know how dreadful it must be. Stay strong, sweetheart ♥♥♥♥

  • Jamie May 10th, 2012 1:32 PM

    lots of love to you ruby <3

  • Jesss May 10th, 2012 2:13 PM

    Ruby, I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you stay strong. I can’t imagine my mother ever dying, but my father died when I was younger, and that was terrible. You’re a wonderful writer, and a lovely, awesome person. I hope you will live through this, and I hope you and your family will be ok eventually. Lots of love, you are truly a fantastic person.xx

  • alice May 10th, 2012 2:22 PM

    Oh Ruby, i’m crying so much now. I cant even imagine what you are going through. I’ve been following your blog and reading your Rookie diaries now for some time, and I’ve been thoroughly inspired by your courage and strength, which i know is going to get you through this terrible time. Lots of love to you and the rest of family xxxx

  • Abby May 10th, 2012 3:22 PM

    Oh my god, the ONE DAY I don’t read this right away… I am so sorry, Ruby. Just know we’re all here for you.

  • Lauren May 10th, 2012 3:29 PM

    Sending you so much love, Ruby.

  • madpie May 10th, 2012 3:59 PM

    Condolences from Pittsburgh.
    You are a sweetheart. I’m sure she knew how much you loved her. She knew.

  • drdischord May 10th, 2012 4:03 PM

    Ruby, I am so very sorry for your lost. My deepest condolences to you and your family. xxxxx

  • hantom May 10th, 2012 4:49 PM

    Do not stand at my grave and weep,
    I am not there; I do not sleep.
    I am a thousand winds that blow,
    I am the diamond glints on snow,
    I am the sun on ripened grain,
    I am the gentle autumn rain.
    When you awaken in the morning’s hush
    I am the swift uplifting rush
    Of quiet birds in circling flight.
    I am the soft star-shine at night.
    Do not stand at my grave and cry,
    I am not there; I did not die.

  • Mom May 10th, 2012 5:05 PM

    Ruby darling

    I am Dylan’s mom and she told me about your post. At your age, you need your Mom–no two ways about it. my own Mom suffered emotionally a lot and I hear and feel your pain. That’s why being a mom has meant so much to me–I feel I have remade my concept of mother as I’ve been so lucky to be Dylan’s mom and be here to guide her in ways I wasn’t.

    If you need mom time please come visit me in Seattle. I imagine Mother’s Day is going to be rough. all the love in the world on the wings of little angels around you.

  • parlamode May 10th, 2012 5:17 PM

    I am sorry for your loss : (

  • alix May 10th, 2012 5:42 PM

    I am so sorry for you. I hope of our kind words can give you some strength. Lots of love, alix.

  • carolineyall May 10th, 2012 5:42 PM

    I know how hard it is to lose a parent like that, Ruby. All my love, truly <3

  • lilylaughs May 10th, 2012 6:14 PM

    oh my gosh i’m so sorry sending love. you are so brave.

  • Clare May 10th, 2012 6:29 PM

    You brave, beautiful girl. Stay strong my love, I’ll keep you in my prayers.

  • VintageAddict May 10th, 2012 6:57 PM

    Ruby, I can’t even imagine what you are going through. I am so sorry. My thoughts, prayers (and HUGS) are with you and your family. Stay strong. We all love you at Rookie!

    one million trillion hugs <3

  • Mandyyy May 10th, 2012 7:06 PM

    i am so sorry about your loss. i know nothing i can say will make the situation hurt any less.
    but i am truely sorry for you and your family.

  • RubyDanseuse May 10th, 2012 8:24 PM

    I am so so sorry. I don’t know how this sort of loss feels, but I really hoe you pull through and know that there is another Ruby in this world that is thinking of you

  • zoeah May 10th, 2012 8:29 PM

    Oh ruby, you are so brave. Hang in there sweetheart. You are so beautiful and strong and I honestly can’t comprehend how you are feeling- but know this: your mother loved you, she loved you all the way through the bad times, good times, and the times that felt insignificant. That kind of love doesn’t change. You probably made her proud in ways you can’t imagine, and I’m sure she is proud of you now. Don’t think about that last moment you shared with her, its nowhere near as important or significant as the good memories you shared in her life- they are the ones you need to hold on to. Be brave, so many hugs and prayers and kisses for you and your family. xxx

  • evalavendar May 10th, 2012 8:36 PM

    Ruby, I’m so sorry! I honestly don’t know what to say. I’ll be sending all my good thoughts and energy to your family and to you.

  • Ruby B. May 10th, 2012 8:49 PM

    Hi everyone,
    I really appreciate your love and support. I think I’ll be okay and so will my family, even though we’ll never forget her. Thanks everyone <3
    Love,
    Ruby

  • EliseChenevere May 10th, 2012 8:50 PM

    I’m sorry for your loss. My friend lost his father today also. I’m thinking of you both.

  • Yellie May 10th, 2012 11:01 PM

    Love.

  • Hedwig May 10th, 2012 11:19 PM

    I’m so sorry ruby. Keep strong, sending good internet vibes. Go for walks in the woods and keep healthy.

  • erin May 10th, 2012 11:38 PM

    I’m truly sorry for your loss. Mother’s are such such special people, I’m so sorry.

  • raphaelle May 11th, 2012 12:28 AM

    My mum died when I was about your age. It was a very strange experience.

    I wish I had some useful advice to give you but I think everyone has to figure out this stuff on their own and that anything I would say about “grief” would sound super condescending.

    If you have a dry sense of humour you’ll probably enjoy the turn for the morbid you can introduce into “your mom” jokes someday, I guess. Do people still tell those?

    Good luck, anyway.

  • ediesgarden May 11th, 2012 9:11 AM

    I’m so sad that this has happened and for your loss. My sincere condolences to you & your family x

  • Narita May 11th, 2012 10:58 AM

    Dearest Ruby,

    I’m so sad to hear this. I really really am and I know how you feel. I can say that because I lost my mum as well – it was almost four years ago when I was ten. It was 0:10 AM and I was woken up by someone from the foster house where I lived back then. I knew there was something wrong – actually, I knew it was my mum. She had been sick since I remembered and I had always cared for her. When my dad was at work. When he was drunk. When she divorced with him and I had to go to school, I hurried back home to give her coffee, watch a movie together and get some food.
    “It’s getting better,” the doctors said, a few weeks before she died. “She’ll probably be allright.” It was a lie. They didn’t have the guts to tell a ten year old her mother was going to die, so they didn’t. When I heard she was dying, we hurried to the hospital, where I found all my family with whom I have a… weird relationship. Not really positive at all. I couldn’t tell her to take care of herself, up there above, just like you. I couldn’t cry, and I didn’t understand it, I hád to cry, right? I should’ve cried, I thought, but it simply didn’t happen.

    I still miss her a lot, but I know she’s above, there, and she’s watching me, and probably proud of me. I’m really really sure your mom is proud of you, because you’re a wonderful girl, an amazing writer, and probably even more to her because you are her daughter.

    Virtual hugs and stay strong.

  • rhetoric May 11th, 2012 1:15 PM

    Praying for you…

  • katyk May 11th, 2012 2:05 PM

    Thank you for writing this, Ruby. I’m glad I read it. I remember overhearing you say to your mom when you were 5 or 6, “I know what we’re rich in. We’re rich in love.” This was at Humboldt Park in Wayland Square on a sunny day. She was so happy.

  • Sublime X. May 12th, 2012 10:46 AM

    Ruby-
    My heart goes out to you. I feel so sad for you. Your level of maturity in the face of such loss is wonderful. We all go through times of desperation, loss, and suffering, and sometimes, we can’t pull through. But other times, we can, and we do. You have proven that. Your writing was true and heartfelt, and it really touched me as I’m sure it did others. You’ve given hope to all of us, and I hope that when I am in the face of such sadness, I can remember you and your understanding and remember that it’s not the end of the world. You give me hope, Ruby.
    Love to you, your family, and especially your mother.
    -Sublime X.

  • Pashupati May 12th, 2012 7:32 PM

    My condolences. I also don’t feel like crying when people die, don’t worry about that. You know what you’re feeling that’s all that counts and that’s what she would have cared for not how you expressed these feelings, everybody has a different way to grief… Maybe it’s a bit late but let me give you an Internet hug if you’re comfortable with it. Good things will come to balance the bad things.

  • Lynn May 13th, 2012 11:07 PM

    Hi Ruby,
    What a gorgeous article you wrote. Your mom is a good friend of mine and I know she would be so proud of you right now. I met her, along with your family, during your overseas assignment in Shenzhen, China. I can’t tell you how many times your mom “praised” you 3 kids. You guys were her world and she loved you very much. Many times when we would gather and talk about how great of a mother she was to you three. She truly loved you and your brother and sister, don’t you ever doubt that. I wish I could be there now to tell you all the wonderful things she would tell us about her 3 gorgeous children. I’m not sure I’ve ever met a woman who cared about her family more than your mom. Please take care and if you ever want to talk I’m here to listen. Much love!
    Lynn Velez

  • 3LL3NH May 14th, 2012 11:42 PM

    Oh Ruby, what you had to say for your mother, it was perfect. You’re a beautiful magical person.

  • thumbelina May 16th, 2012 12:30 PM

    I know exactly how you feel Ruby! My dad died suddenly last week and I haven’t really cried either. I suppose it’s mostly shock but I know that he’s watching over us and is proud. I know your mum is too, she still loves you and she is proud to have you as a daughter. If you’re anything like me I hate sympathy and people telling me they’re “sorry”, even though they mean well. You’re so brave and I know she’ll always stay with you and you’ll never forget her. Stay strong, she’s with the angels x x x x

  • cassie fleurs May 18th, 2012 7:01 PM

    i know that no matter what isay it will still hurt i jsut hope you learn to be happy even if it would never stop hurting

  • tess t May 20th, 2012 12:50 PM

    Hi Ruby,
    This is so very sad to hear. Your writing is so honest and wonderful. Thank you.
    X

  • Sacia in Brazil May 20th, 2012 4:59 PM

    Ruby,
    I would love to hug you right now. I haven’t seen you or your family in years, but I’d been in touch with your mom and she was always bragging about you, sharing photos and articles that you’d written. She loved the three of you SO much and was incredibly proud to be your mother.
    I’m heartbroken to have heard today that she’s gone….. We met when we were just a bit older than you and she had a huge impact on my life. Even when we hadn’t talked in years, she got in touch just to tell me about YOU coming into her life. Motherhood was the best thing that ever happened to her, she said.
    I know there’s no way to ease your pain, but please know that I’m here, as someone who loved her and cares about you and your family. I’m so proud of the beautiful person and brilliant writer you’ve become, and would love to share stories about your mom any time you’d like.
    Much love,
    Sacia

  • Aurora June 3rd, 2012 9:45 PM

    Ruby, I read this story when it was first posted and I want you to know I’ve been praying for you ever since. We are the same age and I can tell if I met you we would be friends instantly. You are a beautiful, inspiring writer and I know you are strong enough to get through this. A million hugs and all my prayers.

  • OneOfThoseStrangeStrangers June 20th, 2012 12:55 PM

    I’m so sorry… I know I’m a bit late, but I still just had to say this. Stay strong <3