Dear Diary

May 30, 2012

School’s out forever.

Naomi

Exams are over, and now it all seems so long ago. That morning I woke up with intense nausea, wondering how I would be able to sit through a whole test. I was met with mostly kind eyes: my mum (whose eyes betrayed a hint of trepidation), the intensely lovely exam coordinator (who somehow managed to give me special attention despite having to organise all the school exams), and the gentle-voiced exam invigilator (who oversees you doing the actual exam). I was extremely fortunate to have such kind people coax me into that little classroom.

During the exams, I sat right on the edge of my chair, ready to leap out at any point. It was only when I read the questions and knew I was capable of answering them that I started to calm down. Those days were a mix of elation, nausea, clammy hands, relief, relaxation, and contentment. In the end, I didn’t despise going back to my old school, the one I left because it overwhelmed and scared me.

Some memories came back. I saw groups of people in the halls, girls I had gone to school with every day. Maybe they didn’t recognise me—maybe they didn’t want to—but I didn’t get many greetings. I suppose what had once been a thick rope tying me and them, me and that school, had now become a single, thin thread.

All those eyes made me glad I wasn’t back for good. Eyes that glare and judge and hurt—even if they are not trying to. The smell was also overwhelming—it was the same as it had been throughout the seven years I was a student at that school—and it brought a rush of more memories. The teachers’ faces made my insides twist with familiarity. I remembered choosing navy school trousers that had to have a pocket for tissues—my year-seven innocence now makes me feel sick. That’s when a sea of fear started to drown me, a sea that eventually swallowed me. Hatred that drove me away from other people, entwined with anxiety so strong that it’s blurred all my memories and blocked me from any belonging I might have felt.

When the young Naomi walked down those corridors, did anyone ever guess what she was going through? When I walked through those exact same doors last week, did I experience a taste of nostalgia that felt foreign on my tongue, half-wishing I was still there?

It doesn’t matter now, I am sure of that. I only have to go back one more time to get my results, and then that’s it forever. I think I will be glad I won’t have to think about it anymore. That school existed with me, it existed without me, it shall exist for many years to come—but I don’t have to give it one more thought. And all the bad feelings I had while I was there—it can keep them. I’m letting them go.

Anxiety makes everything seem impossible. But that is a lie—one example among many of the warped vision of the world that anxiety gives you. Anything is possible, even things you have held tight in your head for a long time. Anxiety made me think that there was no way I was going to do my exams, but I did them, and I did well. Realizing that perception is not reality helped me through. Positive thinking isn’t something tangible, something you can hold on to—like nervously clutching the seat of a safe car or hands around a warm cup of ginger tea or watching Murder, She Wrote in the safety of your bedroom—but it doesn’t hurt. Doing exams gave me a good feeling that can spur me forward. Now I can let go of the bad school feelings that held me back. ♦

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16 Comments

  • WitchesRave May 30th, 2012 7:43 PM

    Ruby, write whatever you feel like writing in the moment that you sit down and type and know that ever girl, boy, man ,woman, hedgehog that reads your entries is by your side and would give your hand a squeeze if technology allowed it (I mean seriously its the 21st century cant some russian scientists have invent that already? Who ares whats in space!) :)

    witches-rave.tumblr.com

  • lylsoy May 30th, 2012 7:50 PM

    If a fairy offered me a wish, I’d wish that no teenager ever has to experience the death of their parents. I felt just like you for a very long time. There are events in life that I just want to share with her, but I can’t! And that still hurts.
    hugs x
    gossipgonzesse.tumblr.com

  • taste test May 30th, 2012 7:51 PM

    Katherine! I just got out of a conservative Catholic high school and I loved your diary so much. Like you, I realized in the last couple weeks of school that my classmates really aren’t that bad, but on the whole, I’m just really happy I’m done. I’ll never have to argue against not just my teacher but my entire class about abortion again. I’ll never have to study a textbook that compares homosexuality to eating dirt and girls who have had sex to chewed gum again. I’ll never have to listen to the girls comparing each other’s “bikini bods” and calling each other sluts or the guys calling everything they don’t like gay. I can put all the bad memories behind me and move on with my life.

  • GlitterKitty May 30th, 2012 8:01 PM

    Katherine, this is so dorky but, can you, me, and the other girl be best friends? Like seriously, every time I read this thing I’m like, “Katherine is exactly like me. I am her. She is me.” Ex. I just started watching Parks & Rec and am completely obsessed! One of my friends is getting seriously annoyed of the play-by-play I give her after watching an episode.

    And Ruby, don’t write something you think is stupid just to have something light. Be real even if it’s hard because we all love the real you. And I wish I could give you a big hug and bake you some cookies but obviously, I can’t. So, ~metaphorical hug~ and ~metaphorical cookies~

  • Tara May 30th, 2012 8:01 PM

    Ruby, your diary was very moving. I say write what you want to write!
    Dylan, I’ve always been the baby too!!! I completely relate to this having gotten on with older people aka adults often but also looking like a child even now.
    Naomi I felt that way about ending high school too. not completely but had some not-so-great feelings attached to my social situation/relationship with peers/so forth and felt so ready to be OVER. I’m happy you could get through it too.
    Katherine-I love the befriending friend crush moment! I always have admiration for really cool people and that moment when you two start talking and have so much in common is a beautiful one. I really liked your thoughts on ending school. Not hating it but not liking it either.

  • Lani May 30th, 2012 8:32 PM

    Katherine, reading your journal entries is a perfect reminder that I am not the only one having issues as such during high school- right down to good times with a friend crush. Thank you so much

  • moonchild May 30th, 2012 8:47 PM

    Ruby, don’t feel like you ever have to write a certain way to please us readers. While what your mom said was smart, we are open to all of your feelings, light and heavy.
    Love ya dahl! :) :) :)

    Gwen
    http://under-a-bridge.blogspot.com/

  • Nomi May 30th, 2012 8:58 PM

    “Anxiety makes everything seem impossible.”
    I couldnt have said it better if I tried.

  • a-anti-anticapitalista May 31st, 2012 11:16 AM

    Dylan, I turned 19 this year and I am starting to feel the exact same way :c although I am still the baby in most groups of people I am around whenever a high-schooler shows up I feel like… oh wait… now I am not anymore, I have to be the grown-up for this person, how awkward for me. And being in activism whenever I find myself speaking about high-schoolers and “how to reeach theese kiiids” and acting as a sort-of mentor I just feel so strange.

  • eliza dolittle May 31st, 2012 2:31 PM

    Hi Ruby :)

    My dad passed away about 12 years ago now just before my 8th birthday. He had melanoma, and I’d been reassured that he was getting much better at the time.
    I spent a long time grieving, especially because I was 8 and hadn’t had to acknowledge death or the real existence of the outside world before.

    I would often cry or complain about how unfair it was, because it is always unfair, and how come it had to happen to me, because your sadness is always the strongest sadness in the world.
    Which is all pretty cliche, and I certainly feel very selfish thinking about how I reacted, but it’s important to know that there is no wrong or right way to feel, no matter what anyone tells you. And this includes not grieving; I didn’t cry until 6 months after my dad died, and a visit the hospital where he’d been for so long and knowing that he WASN’T there drove it home.

    So keeping yourself as safe as you can, you wallow in self pity or move on or get angry or question the living shit out of yourself and the world around you. Just do what you need to do, and don’t let anyone make you feel that you’re not coping in the right way. <3

  • cleobea June 1st, 2012 8:48 PM

    Dylan can you right a peice about how to get your way into getting a internship and your own stuff ans stores in such!!! Please rookie

  • Mim June 2nd, 2012 12:18 PM

    Dylan, I was always the baby (and still am) in my social circles. One thing that helped me interact as an “adult” was just starting to do “adult” things. So, like, encouraging the “precociousness” of my friends, even if they are officially too old to be precocious (I mean, if I’m too old for it, they HAVE to be (: ). One of the first times I noticed that I should do this, I was camping with some adult family members, and they started taking on various chores, and I was sitting around waiting for someone to ask me to do something (but totally willing to do it, just not taking initiative.) And one of my relatives took me aside and said that some people were annoyed that I wasn’t just jumping in… they expected me to just pick something and do it like the rest of the adults! So that was a kick in the butt… but now I look for things like that, as well as ways to be encouraging of people as well as have interesting interests to talk about. It seems to work mostly.

  • NadZ_8 June 3rd, 2012 4:10 AM

    My dad passed away when I was 3! I always wondered why he had to pass away so soon, I don’t even remember him… But later I found out in my early teen years why. Everything happens for a reason.
    Anyway, I’m busy with final exams at school.
    Its frightening, I don’t know what to do after this and if I’ll be able to stand on my own to feet.
    I guess I just HAVE to!

    P.S. I just joined. I fell in love with Rookie. :)