Fun

Secular and Politically Correct Spring Holidays Candy Roundup

Eggs, eggs, fruit slices, mini eggs, eggs!

Peeps (Just Born)
In my head I’m one of those fascinating, smart people who’s so endearingly out of it and accidentally contrary that they hate Peeps and have never seen Titanic, but I actually LOVE Peeps and am SO EXCITED to eat them WHILE SEEING TITANIC IN 3D. They’re so gross and mushy and great and when you put them in the microwave they get all fat, so when you eat them you’re convinced that the magic is lasting even longer because they’ve expanded in volume even though they are just as dense. YEAH SCIENCE! What else do you need to know about how I feel about Peeps? Hmm…I am pro-decorating them with little frosting outfits, and anti any that are not shaped like chicks or bunnies. Like, take Christmas, for example: why would I want a tree-shaped marshmallow? Get away from me. —Tavi

Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg (Hershey)
I reviewed all of the glorious Reese’s “shapes” back in October, but I just want to reiterate that the Egg is the best one. It has the PERFECT ratio of pb:chocolate. It is a rare treat that comes but once a year to your local drugstore, so I suggest you stock the eff up. —Anaheed

Mini Eggs (Cadbury)
Just typing those three words made my heart skip a beat. Mini Eggs, NOT to be confused with regs ol’ Cadbury Eggs, are a perfect combination of texture and sweetness. A small egg of smooth milk chocolate covered in a thin super-crunchy pastel layer. They are two bites big and make THE most satisfying crunch you will ever experience. They’re seasonal, which makes them SO SPESH, and on top of the small window of opportunity, they are maddeningly hard to find in Manhattan. One of my Twitter followers sent me two bags as a gift and now I owe her my firstborn (was totes worth it). —Elizabeth

Potato Chips in Chocolate (Chuao Chocolatier)
Diamond Jubilee Bar (Prestat)

Hello! Do you, like me, shed your uterine lining about once a month? Then read on and learn about the two best PMS candies I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. You know how when you’re about to get your period you crave mainly two things: SALT and CHOCOLATE? The fine people of Chuao and Prestat figured this out, too. Chuao’s Potato Chips in Chocolate is, like it says, POTATO CHIPS in CHOCOLATE, which is all you need to know. It could be a little saltier, but otherwise well done. The second one, the Prestat Diamond Jubilee Bar, is maybe the perfect candy: sweet and salty and crunchy and yumz. It describes itself as “roasted almonds, sea salt & scrummy milk chocolate.” SCRUMMY. How delightful! I got it (and everything I reviewed this month except the Reese’s) at a store that sells only English candy, so maybe you Brits already know all about it. If so, you should have already told me about it. P.S. When I told Julie Klausner that I was eating this chocolate she said, “If you rearranged those words it could be our Drag Queen Rabbi Name: Jubilee Bar-Diamond.” The end. —Anaheed

Passover fruit slices
Passover is my favorite Jewish holiday, but there’s no denying that seders can feel a little too long and educational and beige. Seriously, everything is beige. The aging tablecloth, the aging pages of the Haggadah, the poser kids’ wine, the poser bread. These fruit slices, however, are sure to liven up any Passover seder with their sweet-n-sour twang and visual appeal. I know that they look like normal candy, but seriously, they are a legitimate kosher, special-interest-group thing that is sold in the catalogs we get from temple and the nice Jewel-Osco in our wealthier neighboring town that sells other fancy things like organic toothpaste. Just stay away from the green ones. They’re nasty. —Tavi

Dairy Milk Caramel Bunnies (Cadbury)
These bunnies are deceptively cute, with long lashes and little bows around their necks. Like many a super-hot flirt, they disappoint. Their chocolate exteriors are waxen; their caramel interiors thin and insipid. I feel let down by Cadbury, whom I generally think of as having mastered this Easter-candy game. —Anaheed

Whatchamacallit (Hershey)
“Whatchamacallit? I call it terrible!” is what I’d say about Whatchamacallits if I hated them and had no self-respect. But as it stands, I absolutely ADORE Whatchamacallits. I make regular pilgrimages to the one Mobil gas station in the area that carries them just to get a taste of that sweet peanut butter, caramel, and chocolate goodness. Do you see all those food words? Those are some of the best food words in the English language. I ditched the last of my self-respect when I drooled on myself earlier today. Whatchamacallit? I call it fantastic! —Shelby

Smarties Mini Eggs (Nestlé)
So many of the items at the English-candy store are better versions of the candies that we Americans have grown up stupidly being satisfied with. Take these Mini Eggs. They’re like M&M’s but with a little orange flavor in the shell. Why didn’t we think of that?! —Anaheed

Chocolate Creme Eggs (Cadbury)
THESE ARE NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE REGULAR CADBURY CREME EGGS. I made that mistake, too. Let me set the scene: The time was last week. My roommate and I had just piled up on candy at the drugstore for our ritual “junk food and Simpsons marathon.” I stuck to Twizzlers while she got what I thought were Cadbury Creme eggs. Cut to: us sitting in front of the TV. I look over to see dark chocolate goop coming out of her egg instead of the anticipated fondant yolk. “WHAT IS GOING ON??” I exclaim. “DID YOUR EGG SPOIL? ARE YOU A SORCERESS?” She calmed me down and explained that these were, in fact, a separate product, and then she let me try one. I know this might sound blasphemous, but these were way better than the regular eggs. I mean, once you get past the novelty of eating a fake egg, you’re stuck with a sugary, flavorless yolk. This, though. This was like a chocolate-encased choco-explosion. —Anna

Aero Mint Lamb (Nestlé)
Aero is a chocolate bar filled with magical bubbles that give it a lovely buoyancy, like a cloud enrobed by delicious chocolate. At Easter, the bubbly cloud part is mint flavored. It’s like an Andes mint but way better for being more like cloud. —Anaheed

Chocolate-covered matzo
Plain matzo is like that person who misinterpreted Daria and decided to just be an asshole to everyone before anyone could be an asshole to them. You know that person? Like, “I hate how awkward and miserable humans are, but I am going to beat them to it by being awkward and miserable FIRST so that I can say it was MY CHOICE that they hate me!” Matzo is afraid that it will never be as good as the bread of the gentiles, and so it makes itself more awkward and miserable before it is even out of the oven. AND IT WAS BARELY IN THE OVEN TO BEGIN WITH BECAUSE IT HAS LOW SELF-ESTEEM THAT IT GOT FROM NOT UNDERSTANDING DARIA. However, when it is coated in chocolate and caramel and able to convince itself for a moment that it maybe does have some admirable qualities that other people can also appreciate, it is delicious. —Tavi

MaltEaster (Mars)
A milk-choco bunny with a creamy filling rife with crushed-up Maltesers. WHAT COULD BE BETTER? I am on such a sugar high right now you guys, I’m losing my mind. I ate all of this month’s candies in a ROW on an empty stomach—probably not the best idea. Maybe I should go get some salad or something? How do you counteract a sugar overdose? This candy is very good. It is FULL of SUGAR, though, which is a drug, clearly, or else I’d be able to think straight right now. Instead I just want to blast Robyn and jump around. —Anaheed

Butter Mints
Butter mints are these weird, pastel-colored, pillowy squares of vaguely minty candy, most often found in your grandma’s candy dish or wrapped individually and put out next to the bill at restaurants. They go by many names: hospitality mints, thank you mints, after-dinner mints, wedding mints…but who cares? They’re ridiculously delicious. They have an odd, chalky texture that is both crunchy and creamy at the same time—a bit like solidified mint chocolate chip ice cream. If you haven’t had one, it’s because I took yours when you weren’t looking. —Krista

Marc de Champagne Truffle Easter Egg (Prestat)
Ooooohhh la laaaaa, what a fancy fucking chocolate egg. When I bought it the dude at the poncy English candy store goes, verbatim, “This egg is extraoooooordinary. They brought this egg to the Queen and THE QUEEN WILL EAT THIS EGG this year!” I wouldn’t brag—you know who else ate this egg this year? This guy. OK, there are some things to know about the Marc de Champagne Truffle Easter Egg. It comes in a shiny pink, yellow, and gold box with a picture of a crown on it. You open the box and see a big egg wrapped in gold foil. Unwrap THAT and yay, here’s a big chocolate egg. But what ho? This is no regular chocolate egg. Crack it in half and you find a plastic BAG of fucking TRUFFLES. You know who hates truffles? This guy. Blech. You can keep it, Elizabeth. (The chocolate-egg part is good though.) —Anaheed

71 Comments

  • missblack April 5th, 2012 11:11 PM

    The Christmas trees are my FAVE Peeps.

    Also, that description of Matzo was literally, like, amazing.

    Little&Trivial

  • KinuKinu April 5th, 2012 11:11 PM

    CANDY!!!!!!!!!
    queue kyary pamyu pamyu song*
    hee hee

  • AnguaMarten April 5th, 2012 11:12 PM

    silly anaheed. nobody should hate truffles.

  • Abby April 5th, 2012 11:14 PM

    1) Butter mints are delicious. My cousin had them in little 5 inch tall buckets on the tables at her wedding and I literally carried the bucket from our table around through the whole reception eating them.

    2) Anna, I’m going to have to respectfully (or ANGRILY -.-) disagree with you on the cadbury eggs. The originals are SO MUCH BETTER. <3

    3) Where are the Robin's Eggs? They're SOOOO delicious. If you don't know what I'm talking about, just google robin's eggs candy, and SAVOR THE DELICIOUSNESS.

    • Anna F. April 5th, 2012 11:23 PM

      I will fight you.

    • Anna F. April 5th, 2012 11:23 PM

      ACTUALLY I guess this works out for both of us because we are both left with more of the egg of our choice.

    • Yellie April 6th, 2012 2:11 AM

      ORIGINAL CADBURY EGGS!!!!! I LOVE ME FLAVORLESS GOOP!!!

      • back2thepast April 6th, 2012 10:42 PM

        But the tiny ones are oh so adorable and tiny and suductive with their pastel shells and chalky texture mmmmm. Like little robin eggs that you’ve snatched from a small bird’s nest and used your magical powers on to solidify (stolen word from Krista) the interior into SILKY CHOCOLATE.

  • Annie April 5th, 2012 11:18 PM

    matzo toffee time is the best time
    every part of this list is perfect. PERFECT!!!!!!

  • Toria Crux April 5th, 2012 11:33 PM

    YOU HATE TRUFFLES?!?!?!?! HOW DARE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Kathryn April 5th, 2012 11:36 PM

    PS I LOVE mini eggs, peeps, and cadbury creme eggs (though I’ve never had the chocolate kind). And my mom just made homemade reese’s eggs and they taste almost the same!
    Yayyyy candy <3 <3 <3

  • Kathryn April 5th, 2012 11:37 PM

    PPS I HATE NON CHICK OR BUNNY SHAPED PEEPS.

  • Saraleebread April 5th, 2012 11:39 PM

    i will now walk to the gas station tomorrow and stock up on candy because I really want chocolate. yum.

  • Pashupati April 5th, 2012 11:40 PM

    I felt the tastes as I was reading.

  • Katie April 5th, 2012 11:40 PM

    Every year my mother makes chocolate covered matzo. It’s the best part of passover.

    • Aislinn April 6th, 2012 1:10 PM

      THIS JUST BLEW MY MIND. That sounds amazing!

  • coolschmool April 5th, 2012 11:43 PM

    what no why? toothpaste flavoured chocolate? REALLY ANAHEED??????

    • Anaheed April 5th, 2012 11:53 PM

      Have you not enjoyed the magic that is Thin Mints?

  • canklesandclothes April 5th, 2012 11:49 PM

    Hate to be that person, but you know what belongs here?
    HARIBO FRIED EGGS.
    At easter they sell the fried eggs from the star mix pack in a giant bag. Everyone, except for those lowly inferior folk, love the eggs the most. (And the hearts, which are sold at valentines day. )

  • yeslucy April 5th, 2012 11:51 PM

    The one thing I’ve learned from all of the Rookie candy posts is that Anaheed loves candy.

    • Anaheed April 5th, 2012 11:53 PM

      The funny thing is, I don’t, really. I only eat candy when I have to for Rookie! SACRIFICES.

  • Adrienne April 6th, 2012 1:08 AM

    Drooling right now. Oh god now I need CHOCOLATE.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QID8450YduM

    http://theaverageasiangirl.blogspot.com

  • hellosailor April 6th, 2012 1:31 AM

    Anaheed, I love how emotionally invested you are in candy. Thank you for making me giggle (and salivate a little bit).

  • cherrycola27 April 6th, 2012 1:45 AM

    Butter mints are the best! Although I think I may have just been calling them “melty mints” or something for years. This reminds me that I haven’t had any Easter candy yet and there’s almost no more time!!! Tomorrow, I have to get some!

  • LittleMissE April 6th, 2012 1:52 AM

    EVERYTHING on this list is like the best thing ever. ESPECIALLY chocolate-covered matzo. My church does a Sedar meal every year (even though it’s a Lutheran church…?) and they had a couple plates of the chocolate matzo so I stole, like, two and stashed them in my fridge.

  • Audrey April 6th, 2012 2:06 AM

    Where are the Cadbury Creme Eggs? :3

    • Yellie April 6th, 2012 2:15 AM

      AGREED, I am greatly disturbed that their godliness is not included here… I could eat a zillion pounds of… no i could LIVE off them for the rest of my life.

  • Yellie April 6th, 2012 2:24 AM

    Oh and Anaheed you are not alone, I too hate TRUFFLES :(
    when i had pet hedgehogs everyone bought me hedgehog chocolates…NOT COOL I just nibbled around the fake hazelnutness tastenesss that was too creamy but not creamy Blahhh

    BUT OH GOD the chocoholic in me is crying so hard, I want my tried brain to have candy NOW!!!!!

    • Anaheed April 6th, 2012 2:46 AM

      Yes! Girl after my own heart. Truffles are globs of fancy sadness.

  • kittenmix April 6th, 2012 3:23 AM

    Guys guyz guise vegan peanut butter egg recipe for your fine, ethically minded selves: http://chocolatecoveredkatie.com/2012/03/29/copycat-recipe-reeses-peanut-butter-eggs/

  • mayaautumn April 6th, 2012 3:36 AM

    jeez, you’re turning into right food (well, chocolate) experts! you could probably do a cookery section on here….that would be cool :)

    http://cottonmixblog.blogspot.com

  • chicanery April 6th, 2012 3:57 AM

    Anaheed’s candy reviews always bring tears of lol to my eyes

  • tallulahpond April 6th, 2012 5:51 AM

    You hate truffles? *considers going off into a rant but can’t be arsed* Give them all to me, I am the truffle queen! I would happily eat them for every meal and between them too. However, I’d like a creme egg now and again.

    Also, Galaxy caramel eggs have better caramel than Cadbury’s, btw. Trust me, I buy chocolate on the way home from Drama club and it’s a regular fixture on my list.
    OMG I have a chocolate list. What has my life come to?!

    • Anaheed April 6th, 2012 12:53 PM

      I actually tried one of those Galaxy eggs too and you are exactly RIGHT.

  • koolkat April 6th, 2012 7:31 AM

    okay, it’s official, I am NEVER giving up stuff for lent again. This post very nearly killed me with chocolate-withdrawal! I have a malteaster bunny stuck to my wall so I can worship it and if that’s not weird and unhealthy I don’t know what is…

    • TheAwesomePossum April 6th, 2012 11:19 PM

      Right? I think that one reason that the whole easter candy schtick works (aside from the whole I-can-gorge-myself-with-an-overwhelming-amount-of-chocolate-because-it’s-a-holiday excuse) is so that all of the people who gave up candy for Lent can feed their withdrawals. I gave up cookies…. ohmygod nom I need them now

  • julalondon April 6th, 2012 8:00 AM

    CADBURY Mini Eggs OMG love love LOVE them!!

  • April 6th, 2012 8:42 AM

    Butter mints, chocolate covered matzo, and Passover fruit slices!!!! Oh how I love candy :)

  • aliastro April 6th, 2012 12:11 PM

    I’m obsessed with Mini Eggs! The Cadbury caramel eggs are the best though. It’s like an entire Caramello bar worth of caramel in one egg.

  • Taylor April 6th, 2012 12:32 PM

    I’m going to go ahead and second Anaheed’s sentiment about the Reese’s Eggs. THEY ARE THE FORM OF THE GOOD.

  • isadora April 6th, 2012 1:05 PM

    I’ve never had any of these. I wonder what I’m missing. ):
    Well, at least I have toys inside my kinder eggs.
    Anyway. Anaheed, if you like salty+sweet, I recommend chocolate with salt flower. Most people hate it, but I persnally think it’s amazing.

    • Anaheed April 6th, 2012 2:09 PM

      What is salt flower?? Whatever it is I want it now.

      • isadora April 6th, 2012 5:07 PM

        Some fancy kind of salt they call fleur de sel, apparently.

  • Aislinn April 6th, 2012 1:08 PM

    OMG, Cadbury MINI Eggs are the most amazing candies every. with their sand paper outside and smooth chocolate -y inside, ah yes, the roof of my mouth has suffered many of these lovely candies!!

  • Saturday April 6th, 2012 1:09 PM

    It’s always so weird to hear Americans talking about Cadbury as kind of a novelty. I live in Australia and it’s pretty much all I ever eat. Lately though I feel like I’m losing my sweet tooth altogether. Worst or best timing?

  • Saturday April 6th, 2012 1:12 PM

    Oh and Smarties. Generally people go for M&Ms over here too but they are available and I’ve always preferred them. Had no idea that was an orange flavour in the shell!

  • katie April 6th, 2012 1:23 PM

    i kind of love peeps when they’re stale as gross as it sounds. just let them sit out for a day and they get all crunchy and delicious

  • Maddy April 6th, 2012 1:25 PM

    My friends were talking about Peeps yesterday. They hate them for some weird reason. I dislike the Cadbury creme eggs. They are so sugary-flavorless. Buuut for fans of the egg (and junk food in general) http://www.pimpthatsnack.com/project/302/3 ! I will have to try the chocolate creme ones though. Ah sedar tomorrow! So, maybe some caramel-chocolate matzah?

  • 3LL3NH April 6th, 2012 2:10 PM

    You only get Mini Eggs at easter???? I am crying with sadness right now at the unfairness of it all, because my school cafeteria has them all year (in an attempt to be healthy, you know). You should start a petition to get mini eggs in school!!!! It’s worth it

  • crab_battle April 6th, 2012 2:13 PM

    I nearly lost the entirety of my being over “fancy fucking chocolate egg.”

    Golden.

  • Cruicked April 6th, 2012 2:41 PM

    I feel bad for people who have to put up with non-British sweets. They’re the best.

  • Rae0320 April 6th, 2012 3:40 PM

    mini eggs are the best ever. they are EVERYWHERE in England at Easter. I just ate a packet in like 5 minutes. You can also get GIANT EGGS FILLED WITH THEM. I fully intend to buy myself a few like the day after Easter when they are all half price and whatever. YAAAAAAAAY CHOCOLATE

    i think i am on a sugar high right now.

  • zoe-bop April 6th, 2012 3:45 PM

    omg Tavi your Jewish? me too and i just cant wait to eat cardboard crackers for a week! HAPPY PASSOVER/EASTER/WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CELEBRATE EVERYBODY!!!!!

  • aliceee April 6th, 2012 6:48 PM

    In Brazil the easter eggs are like the size of my face… I’ve already eaten about four hahaha

    butter mints are the best!! I always thought no one else liked those

  • benji April 7th, 2012 11:28 AM

    The Elite Milk Chocolate Logs are my favorite Passover candy. So flaky and messy and gooood!

  • sarcasmbattle April 7th, 2012 12:56 PM

    by complete coincidence, I dislike Peeps and have never seen Titanic…

  • elyon61 April 7th, 2012 6:08 PM

    I have to re-learn that the green candy slices are disgusting every year. EVERY YEAR.

  • stoneflamingos April 8th, 2012 10:22 AM

    You left out the Cadbury’s mini eggs! I could eat whole bags of those… SO. GOOD.

  • chelsear April 10th, 2012 7:07 PM

    My friend and I recently came across Hershey’s Eggies, which are basically the Hershey’s knockoff of Cadbury Mini Eggs (a.k.a. The Best Candy Ever). Naturally, we bought a package of each and very carefully compared the two based on taste, size, amount per bag, colour, calories and just about everything else you could think of. Quite surprisingly, we concluded that Eggies were in fact better than mini eggs!

    xo
    http://couturecultureblog.blogspot.com

  • OnlyEmily April 14th, 2012 5:16 PM

    Chocolate matzah is so tasty :3

  • Vicky Hellhound April 14th, 2012 9:19 PM

    OMG PEEPS ROASTED OVER A FIRE. Their sugary skin turns into a candy shell like a creme brulee.

  • Emilie April 15th, 2012 9:58 PM

    THOSE PASTEL MINI EGGS yummmmmmmmm

  • crazyotakuchick April 18th, 2012 6:20 PM

    you are torturing me with talk of candy, I already ate all of mine.

  • royal_futura April 21st, 2012 6:53 AM

    Has anyone ever tried the Reeses Mini Eggs? They are basically GIANT Reeses Pieces in the shape of eggs. Similar to the amazingness of the enlarged Reeses Peanut Butter Egg, when you make things with peanut butter inside bigger they JUST GET MORE RIGHT. The crisp candy shell and the Reeses Pieces filling are in perfect proportion in this egg-y formation and, I swear, you can eat a whole bag before you even realize you opened it.

    Only problem: they are impossible to find! I used to see them a lot a few years ago but now it is rare that I find them anywhere. WHY?!! Why, the perfect Easter candy, why?!

  • Hoodfemme May 7th, 2012 8:28 PM

    I love Reese eggs and I have never seen Titanic. What are we

  • maggie Carol March 29th, 2013 5:34 PM

    Love it

  • bethleeroth March 29th, 2013 7:30 PM

    CADBURY. MINI. EGGS. True story: I hoard them every year and ration them out to myself slowly for weeks. One year a couple of years ago when I thought I had run out about two weeks previously, I found ONE SINGLE EGG MORE under my bed. We’re talking… six-year-old carpet in a 30-year-old apartment where cats lived… and I immediately blew that mini egg off and ate it without even CONSIDERING otherwise. It was still delicious. And I somehow survived that.