Fun

How to Be a Lady

Literally the only thing you ever need to read.

Collage by Sonja

There comes a time in every young female’s life when she must put away her dolls and hair ribbons and become the woman she was born to be. With the proper grooming and etiquette, a girl can easily find her footing in this new world of womanhood. I am here to instruct you on the valuable rules that govern this ladylike behavior because god knows you probably don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. Use this guideline to further understand the demands of feminine maturity.

GROOMING

Presentation is a key part of becoming a respectable woman. Your future depends on your ability to be beautiful. As a girl, you did not paint your lips or line your eyes, but now that you are older, the wonders of makeup are right at your fingertips. Pick a lipstick that works well with your skin tone. Write “kewl” on your right cheek and “bitch” on your left. Then throw glitter all over your face. Oh golly, you sure are pretty! And doesn’t that just do wonders for your complexion?

A good beauty regimen involves washing one’s face with cold water and soap. Do not cake your skin in powders and creams. This can lead to acne, and you cannot have acne. If you do, you are probably a demon or a Communist.

When it’s that time of the month—you know, the days when blood seeps out of your vag—be extremely careful not to let anyone see your sanitary napkins. Especially boys. If boys know that you have a period, then they’ll know that you’re a human being, and that is just a no-no. Don’t even go to the restroom during your period. In fact, don’t go to the restroom ever. If you go to the restroom, people will think that you are either peeing or pooping, and that’s just obscene. If you do this, then you’re not a lady and YOU NEVER WILL BE.

Wash your hair every day, and opt for styles that frame your face attractively. If your hair does not look 100% perfect, you are wasting your time, and it would behoove you to shave your head and purchase a wig. Get one of the fiber-optic kind that lights up at the tips.

Looking good is important, but smelling good is even more important. Actually, it’s a toss-up, but they’re both more important than feeling good. Perfumes can make you smell like flowers, cupcakes, or an old woman, and they will cover up any unwanted feminine odor. Or you could just drink a lot of alcohol and smoke a lot of cigarettes and create your own personal scent.

STYLE

A woman’s style is very different than a girl’s style. Frilly, short dresses with full skirts are to be thrown away. Pick smart, polished dresses that cover you modestly while still accentuating your figure. Your clothing should always be ironed, mended, and clean. Seriously, though, if there is even a speck of dirt on your dress, you might as well just curl up and die. Like, really. GTFO.

You will most likely have several womanly items to carry around with you. For example: gloves, car keys, a compact mirror, a loaded gun, a spare gun, and more. To carry all these items you will need a sturdy and stylish pocketbook. Although a lady can never have too many pocketbooks, try to coordinate with your outfits. Keep an eye out for large pocketbooks that could discreetly hold small children. Children do the best manicures, so make sure to snatch one up the next time you see one!

Accessorize with dainty jewelry and pearls. Expensive jewelry can look inappropriate on a girl, but looks positively perfect on a young woman, like dog collars and spiked chokers.

EDUCATION

School may seem tedious and uninteresting to you because you are a girl, but it can have its benefits. You learn important subjects like writing, baking, and sewing. All of these skills are extremely applicable to your life beyond high school. You may choose to be a secretary or a housewife or a secretary who just has a job to support herself until she becomes a housewife. Your life is full of choices.

School is also a place to meet new friends and gain valuable experiences. Start an after-school activity like “Scrapbooking Club” or “Knitting Club” or “Ladies Who Will Kick Your Ass and Don’t Care What You Think Club.” Use these clubs to voice your opinions and hone your skillls. School is an institution for learning, but it is also a place for making weird friends that your parents will disapprove of. Keep this in mind always.

DATING

Now that you are a woman, it is time to start thinking about the most important aspect of your life: finding a husband. But before you walk down the aisle, you need to find a swell boy to go steady with. Try to meet boys by going to sock-hops or hanging out at your local diner or sending them Facebook messages that say “DATE ME OR I’LL KILL YOU.”

When you go steady with a boy, always do the things he wants to do. Go to a flick or to the bowling alley. Let him open doors for you and pay for the date. If you protest, you will seem fussy. When conversing, laugh appropriately and smile. Do not yawn, fidget, or roll your eyes; those behaviors are rude! As your date is talking, try doing the Macarena ever so slowly, but then gradually speed it up, all the while maintaining eye contact. When he asks what you are doing, say, “Oh, nothing really, you’re just so handsome!” and then move your eyelashes up and down a lot.

After your date, he will drive you home. Maintain your ladylike manners and kindly thank him for a great time. Remember: necking is not what a woman does. If your date does try to kiss you, scream, “GET BENT YOU FUCKER!” and then lolz about it on the internet later that night. It is the only proper thing to do.

ENTERTAINING

Those days of hanging out at the drive-in with your friends are over. Now that you and your friends are adults, you will need to learn how to cook and entertain properly. First, invite your friends over via telephone or paper invitation. Make sure to invite a group of friends that get along. Do not include anyone who is “bad news.”

Setting the table correctly is important. Your friends and future suitors will be judging your place settings as well as the china you have chosen. Decorate the center of the table with freshly cut flowers from your garden.

Cooking can seem like a daunting activity at first, but remember the simple assignments you completed in your home-ec course. Bake a cake or prepare a potato salad—these are simple dishes that any woman could make! Here is a recipe for a dinner that is sure to please your friends:

    1. Get into your car and drive to the nearest McDonald’s.
    2. Order burgers and fries.
    3. Drive home.
    4. Plate the boxes and serve.
    5. No, you don’t have to take the burgers out of the boxes.
    6. I said you don’t have to! Ugh, just listen to me, I’m your etiquette instructor.

Being a respectful, ladylike woman may seem awfully hard, but hopefully these tips will give you the confidence you need to be the charming and mature gal that you were meant to be. So grab your favorite lipstick, don that fiber-optic wig, and go show the world what you’re made of. ♦

76 Comments

  • ladyjenna April 5th, 2012 7:08 PM

    LOLOLOL

  • Fortune_Goddess April 5th, 2012 7:11 PM

    Oh my god! Hazel, this is hilarious. I will be sure to do all these things to become a “young lady” :)

  • MissKnowItAll April 5th, 2012 7:11 PM

    Oh good god. I needed a laugh so bad today and I just found it right here on rookie. It really gives you an outlook at the standards and expectations of a “proper” girl. However, I’ve found another alternative to this solution. Whenever someone tells me that I have to act proper or some shit like that, I smile at them and very sweetly say “get the f–k out of my face”. Works like a charm :)

  • tenrei April 5th, 2012 7:16 PM

    perfect

  • Thepunkrocker April 5th, 2012 7:18 PM

    pffff…..”I’m already a lady”
    *looks at unshaved legs*
    “ummm Uhh…oh yaa totally”
    *grin*

    • Thepunkrocker April 5th, 2012 7:22 PM

      Mom: why aren’t you standing up straight like a lady.
      Me: Well, my “how to be a lady” manual said my attitude is very lady like

      • Thepunkrocker April 5th, 2012 7:22 PM

        ok anyways i just wanted to say your article was very hilarious. I’m not at all funny. sorry

    • Toscanilda April 5th, 2012 8:25 PM

      LOL THIS

  • Chloe P. April 5th, 2012 7:20 PM

    This was hilarious, props to the girls who do get all done up everyday though because I just don’t have the energy. I suppose I could do my hair everyday, but I’d much rather sleep in. If my hair ever looks especially terrible I just throw on my Finn hat.

    • beckyn April 6th, 2012 8:19 AM

      Adventure time, c’mon grab your friends…

    • zombiesockmonkey April 7th, 2012 10:25 AM

      I have officially found the solution to managing my evil hair

  • Thepunkrocker April 5th, 2012 7:24 PM

    “If boys know that you have a period, then they’ll know that you’re a human being, and that is just a no-no.”

    AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    • Cerise April 5th, 2012 10:18 PM

      One of my friends actually knew a guy who thought girls didn’t fart or poop or anything except *maybe* pee. I did not know what to say to that. I mean, how did he not know?

  • Runaway April 5th, 2012 7:25 PM

    Got a question!
    I think I peed myself laughing while reading this…Is that appropriate, lady-like behavior?

    • unicorn April 5th, 2012 8:16 PM

      As long as you didn’t do it in public, near human beings, or loudly, then yes. And only if you reapplied your lipstick and and face glitter immediately after.

  • Kaetlebugg April 5th, 2012 7:30 PM

    loling

  • KinuKinu April 5th, 2012 7:32 PM

    THIS IS SO COOL I CANT EVEN!!!!!Sometimes I forget to take my pads out of the bathroom and stuff(i’m in the shower and daydreaming about T.O.P.I forget) and my mom gets FURIOUS when I do that.She’s like ‘your brothers will see…your dad will see’My dad is normal about it…he’s not like OMIGOD,BLOOOOOOODDDDD.I’m not aloud to wear makeup,yet( being 13 SUCKS)but when I get to,KEWL goes on my right cheek.But not bitch because than she would really flip out.

    • Maialuna April 5th, 2012 10:41 PM

      Daydreaming about T.O.P? I approve. :D

      Yeah, people are way too insane about pads. Like they’re the worst, scariest thing in the world. Haha, that could work to people’s advantage, though.

      • KinuKinu April 6th, 2012 11:24 AM

        You’re a fan?!?! COOOOOL :D

    • nutellacube April 11th, 2012 1:00 AM

      ^5 on the T.O.P reference

      • KinuKinu May 2nd, 2012 5:41 PM

        T.O.P is the best! My oppa foreverrrrrrrr and everrrrrrrrr……..and ever

  • Chimdi April 5th, 2012 7:33 PM

    …but seriously fiber-optic wigs sound awesome

  • radiofireworks April 5th, 2012 7:39 PM

    “As your date is talking, try doing the Macarena ever so slowly, but then gradually speed it up, all the while maintaining eye contact.”

    I am absolutely going to try this next time I see my boy.

    • Aurora July 4th, 2012 7:59 PM

      I did it. Best moment of my life.

  • Moxx April 5th, 2012 8:05 PM

    asdffgjhklskdkdkdkdk I can’t breathe

  • mariaantoniavs April 5th, 2012 8:20 PM

    Omg!! This is just hilarious!! I now know how to become a lady!! Thank you!

  • fairy_grrrl April 5th, 2012 8:23 PM

    Oh my god this is amazing.

  • Tyknos93 April 5th, 2012 8:41 PM

    THIS is literally the best thing ever :D

  • Ruby B. April 5th, 2012 8:50 PM

    “As your date is talking, try doing the Macarena ever so slowly, but then gradually speed it up, all the while maintaining eye contact.”

    After a while of practicing, I have concluded that if done REALLY slowly, this doesn’t even look unnatural.

    • caro nation April 6th, 2012 4:04 AM

      I’ve seen many a lady who was so taken with the sheer attractiveness of her beau that she felt compelled to tell him, one Macarena at a time.

      Oh, the visual.

  • exwindnsea April 5th, 2012 8:56 PM

    I am a grown up lady, and I now realize I have been doing this ALL WRONG!

    Thank you for your helpful tips, I will try them immediately.

    GREAT ARTICLE AND SUPER HELPFUL.

  • sn0wwhite April 5th, 2012 8:59 PM

    THIS IS SO ACCURATE~
    ♡♡♡♡♡

  • Gilded Locks April 5th, 2012 9:05 PM

    I laughed inappropriately loudly multiple times while reading this article.

  • yourenotfunny April 5th, 2012 9:39 PM

    “a loaded gun, a spare gun…”

    • Phoebe April 6th, 2012 1:05 PM

      Yes! This was one of my favorite parts.

  • SweetThangVintage April 5th, 2012 9:43 PM

    DATE ME OR I’LL KILL YOU! haha this was so perfect.

  • guiltfreedonut April 5th, 2012 9:52 PM

    Help? The flowers from my garden are drooping. I’m worried my guests will judge me.

    http://www.guiltfreedonut.com

  • marit April 5th, 2012 9:53 PM

    ” If your date does try to kiss you, scream, “GET BENT YOU FUCKER!” and then lolz about it on the internet later that night. It is the only proper thing to do.”
    hmm i’ll try that one next time.
    but seriously this made me laugh :)

  • 062131 April 5th, 2012 10:23 PM

    Tried the macarena thing. It worked really well, until that part where I have to go EEEEEH MACARENA, AY! Now I’m a bit worried, will my guests judge me? Are these proper ladylike manners??

  • Abby April 5th, 2012 10:30 PM

    Scene: My living room. I am sitting on my couch, reading this and laughing hysterically.

    Mom: “Abby….?”

    Me: “BAHAHAHAHA what?”

    Mom: “….What are you doing….?”

    Me: “I’m learning how to be a LADY, MOM.”

    Mom: “….um…………………. you know what? Nevermind. I don’t even want to know.”

    Me: “BAHAHAHA”

  • Nikkita April 5th, 2012 10:48 PM

    “As your date is talking, try doing the Macarena ever so slowly, but then gradually speed it up, all the while maintaining eye contact.”

    Body wiggle included?

    Oh Hazel this was fantastic. You are a perfect human being.

  • canklesandclothes April 6th, 2012 12:02 AM

    I know this is a spoof, but I love the idea of etiquette books so much. i stroke them lovingly whenever I see them at a book store. . . Possibly because i am so not a ‘lady’, and also so awkward I never now what to do in the social situations?
    Very funny anyhow!

  • BridgetC April 6th, 2012 12:12 AM

    Great, now I want a fiber-optic wig.

  • caitlinand April 6th, 2012 1:10 AM

    this is hilarious!
    “You may choose to be a secretary or a housewife or a secretary who just has a job to support herself until she becomes a housewife. Your life is full of choices.”

  • R. April 6th, 2012 1:27 AM

    I laughed so hard reading this. Hazel, you’re a real lady! Your articles are among my favorites.

  • annamarie April 6th, 2012 1:57 AM

    Reading this in a fancy British voice was the best decision ever.

    • Abby April 6th, 2012 12:05 PM

      Not that this was boring, but I do that when I’m reading something boring for school. It makes it so much more interesting ha.

      • back2thepast April 6th, 2012 10:18 PM

        My bestest pally reads the Bible in a British accent to frustate the teacher in RE :)

  • whodatgal April 6th, 2012 3:45 AM

    So funny! :))

    http://www.opheliahorton.wordpress.com

  • tallulahpond April 6th, 2012 5:45 AM

    Bloody hilarious! This made my week.

  • limegreensunset April 6th, 2012 9:32 AM

    oh my goD this is fantastic

    “This can lead to acne, and you cannot have acne. If you do, you are probably a demon or a Communist. ”

  • RockHatesMiriam April 6th, 2012 11:29 AM

    This article made me realise that I’m clearly either a demon or a communist which is surely unladylike behaviour… Thanks for telling me were I’ve been going wrong! (no wonder only boys with devil horns want to date me…)
    LOL

    http://www.pompandceremony.blogspot.com

  • Tara April 6th, 2012 12:55 PM

    all the etiquette tips I need for the rest of my ‘lady life’
    hazel, you are a genius. I laughed so hard I verged on tears.

  • Aislinn April 6th, 2012 1:02 PM

    “Ladies Who Will Kick Your Ass and Don’t Care What You Think Club.” This needs to become a real club, DO IT OR I’LL KILL YOU!!!

    Seriously though, Best thing EVER!

  • Emilie April 6th, 2012 3:01 PM

    Thank you ever so much for the tips; articles such as this one are imperative in my journey to womanhood. I shall apply these religiously to my day to day regime.

    pooping…

    … (:

  • back2thepast April 6th, 2012 10:20 PM

    Now I’m giggling like a 5 year old-since I haven’t reached the age of womanhood I obvs don’t have to start acting like a lady yet, yeah?? Hazel you bloody genius.

  • kitterfly April 7th, 2012 5:07 AM

    it’s like victorian etiquette pamphlets and barbie girl handbooks and what humans actually think/the truth and what girls who capitalize every letter except for ii’s on facebook remind you that people actually think threw up with nice words.
    Hazel, you are amazing.

    (also- that collage? kickass, Sonja! that necklace framing the bottom, hnng so great)

  • Elinnn April 7th, 2012 7:30 AM

    Love this! So hilarious!

  • hollz April 7th, 2012 1:12 PM

    “If your date does try to kiss you, scream, “GET BENT YOU FUCKER!” and then lolz about it on the internet later that night. It is the only proper thing to do.”

    BRB fuckin’ dying laughing, oh jesus

  • ryleysue April 7th, 2012 4:32 PM

    I love this so much.

  • thEnd April 8th, 2012 12:18 AM

    I thought this was legit…but then it said to grab the next child you see…
    <3 <3

  • MissKnowItAll April 8th, 2012 8:55 AM

    Oh sweet baby jesus, I love you so much Hazel. The best part was
    “DATE ME OR I WILL KILL YOU”
    although that sounds a lot like my current strategy. Oh well…

  • Johann7 April 9th, 2012 3:35 PM

    Nice use of inconsistent narrative voice, too. That can go REALLY wrong, but I think you pulled it off nicely.

  • Lily April 11th, 2012 3:42 AM

    oh i love this!

  • Nicte April 11th, 2012 3:41 PM

    Had I know about the macarena dance before! I have ruined all my dates but I will surely make it work now!
    Thank you for opening my eyes, jajaja
    You are amazing!!!!

  • Gabby April 12th, 2012 11:42 AM

    Read this in school, got in trouble for laughing loudly in the middle of class, continued reading it at lunch and got two tables worth of “you must be an idiot” looks.

    “No, you don’t have to take the burgers out of the boxes.”

  • MinaM8 April 14th, 2012 9:44 PM

    Best thing I’ve ever read, easy. Still laughing, lol XD

  • cfsizz April 15th, 2012 8:20 PM

    THIS IS SURELY THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER READ

  • TheGreatandPowerfulRandini April 23rd, 2012 6:11 PM

    I have a horrible cold and even though laughing hysterically while reading hurts my throat like hell, the agony was totally worth it.

  • VanyaTheDinosaur April 29th, 2012 4:09 PM

    And of course, you must keep the spare gun in your beehive, which you made with your light-up wig.

  • Summertime June 5th, 2012 8:05 PM

    OH MY GOODNESS. This is SO FUNNY. I can’t contain my laughter.

  • princesskitty June 11th, 2012 10:12 PM

    ROFL
    I think I’m already a lady. I have the weirdest things in my “pocketbook” though.

  • Lacenailsmermaidtails April 10th, 2013 5:19 PM

    I love your humor. Its hilarious! You never cease to amazing me with your writing hazel! Keep it up!

  • Lily April 10th, 2013 11:09 PM

    this is brilliant omg

  • I W May 5th, 2013 3:49 PM

    I needed this. Also, it seems kind of relevant that I read a lot of books about Victorian girls when I was younger and I used to walk about with a stack of books on my head like they did.
    It didn’t work. I have the worst posture ever.
    http://doxographies.blogspot.co.uk/

  • Lindsa June 21st, 2013 8:52 PM

    I read the start of this and was like “no”. I had to reread the “kewl bitch” part twice to fully comprehend. hahahahahahah