If my life were a book, self-consciousness would be the biggest, baddest motif. Like this past week, at lunch, some kids were playing a this-or-that type game. One of them was horses or dogs. I said horses. Most said dogs. Which was totally fine. Except, right after, I said that I hate dogs. Which, judging by everyone’s reaction, was not fine. I started to overanalyze. They probably thought that I was saying that I hate dogs just to say it. Like I was doing it for attention. There’s this girl in my grade who claims she’s terrified of wire clothes hangers. She says she can’t touch them. In fact, every time she sees a hanger, she says, she cries. AT A CLOTHES HANGER. This is so obviously a strange, strange lie that this girl made up just to get attention. Who’s afraid of hangers? NO ONE, that’s who. Who doesn’t like dogs? MANY PEOPLE.
They’re just not cute, OK? They have snouts and they like to jump all over you. To top it off, they’re annoying. They bark and run around and act happy ALL THE TIME. Also, they like to hump your leg, and that’s rude. I like horses way better. They’re majestic and beautiful creatures. And they smell really nice. Like sun and hay and manure. Dogs just smell like swamp water and asphalt and poop. Dogz r gross. Horses RULE! I just hope no one thought I was the kind of person who would make that up, because then I would feel like I could never make friends with them. And the thought that you could, maybe, in some circumstance, be friends with a given person is comforting.
Over-analyzing everything plagues me. This past weekend, I invited two girls to see a midnight movie with me. We were going to meet at 10 PM at my house to hang out before heading to the theater. Ten o’clock came and went, and only one of the girls showed up. We were going to go for ice cream, but decided to skip it to wait for this other girl. I texted her twice, first asking if she needed directions, and later asking whether she was going to come at all. There was no response. (She never showed.)
When I got home that night, the missing girl had sent me a text apologizing. She said that she had fallen asleep and that her phone had been off. So she just forgot about it. That’s fine. I have skipped out on numerous Friday-night football games because I turned in early. (Also, I hate football games.)
However, while we were waiting for Girl #2, Girl #1 told me that Girl #2 has a tendency to flake out. That she never answers her phone and often just doesn’t show up for stuff. That she always, in these instances, says she fell asleep with her phone off. This made me feel like she probably didn’t want to come with us in the first place. Which made me angry and, later, self-conscious. Why would she say she wanted to come and then not come? Did Girl #1 know that Girl #2 would ditch? Did Girl #1 accompany me out of pity? Was it painful for her to hang out with me?
Also, this was not my first time being stood up like this. If people don’t want to hang out with me, think they can’t make it, or would rather take a nap, why don’t they just say that they can’t? That way I can just BE and don’t have to analyze everything I do and feel like I’m destined to always to chase after people I find interesting or funny, without ever being chased back. I don’t know if I should just stop trying, with people. Maybe I’m just annoying. The fact that I’m even writing about this is annoying to me. I’m going to go to bed over-analyzing this diary entry now. Am I friend material? Am I a desperate loser? Is this entry a plea for attention? Will the girl who stood me up read this and be offended? WILL I EVER KNOW THE MEANING OF LIFE? ♦