Dear Diary

April 18, 2012

Non-humiliating teen diaries.

Katherine

If my life were a book, self-consciousness would be the biggest, baddest motif. Like this past week, at lunch, some kids were playing a this-or-that type game. One of them was horses or dogs. I said horses. Most said dogs. Which was totally fine. Except, right after, I said that I hate dogs. Which, judging by everyone’s reaction, was not fine. I started to overanalyze. They probably thought that I was saying that I hate dogs just to say it. Like I was doing it for attention. There’s this girl in my grade who claims she’s terrified of wire clothes hangers. She says she can’t touch them. In fact, every time she sees a hanger, she says, she cries. AT A CLOTHES HANGER. This is so obviously a strange, strange lie that this girl made up just to get attention. Who’s afraid of hangers? NO ONE, that’s who. Who doesn’t like dogs? MANY PEOPLE.

They’re just not cute, OK? They have snouts and they like to jump all over you. To top it off, they’re annoying. They bark and run around and act happy ALL THE TIME. Also, they like to hump your leg, and that’s rude. I like horses way better. They’re majestic and beautiful creatures. And they smell really nice. Like sun and hay and manure. Dogs just smell like swamp water and asphalt and poop. Dogz r gross. Horses RULE! I just hope no one thought I was the kind of person who would make that up, because then I would feel like I could never make friends with them. And the thought that you could, maybe, in some circumstance, be friends with a given person is comforting.

Over-analyzing everything plagues me. This past weekend, I invited two girls to see a midnight movie with me. We were going to meet at 10 PM at my house to hang out before heading to the theater. Ten o’clock came and went, and only one of the girls showed up. We were going to go for ice cream, but decided to skip it to wait for this other girl. I texted her twice, first asking if she needed directions, and later asking whether she was going to come at all. There was no response. (She never showed.)

When I got home that night, the missing girl had sent me a text apologizing. She said that she had fallen asleep and that her phone had been off. So she just forgot about it. That’s fine. I have skipped out on numerous Friday-night football games because I turned in early. (Also, I hate football games.)

However, while we were waiting for Girl #2, Girl #1 told me that Girl #2 has a tendency to flake out. That she never answers her phone and often just doesn’t show up for stuff. That she always, in these instances, says she fell asleep with her phone off. This made me feel like she probably didn’t want to come with us in the first place. Which made me angry and, later, self-conscious. Why would she say she wanted to come and then not come? Did Girl #1 know that Girl #2 would ditch? Did Girl #1 accompany me out of pity? Was it painful for her to hang out with me?

Also, this was not my first time being stood up like this. If people don’t want to hang out with me, think they can’t make it, or would rather take a nap, why don’t they just say that they can’t? That way I can just BE and don’t have to analyze everything I do and feel like I’m destined to always to chase after people I find interesting or funny, without ever being chased back. I don’t know if I should just stop trying, with people. Maybe I’m just annoying. The fact that I’m even writing about this is annoying to me. I’m going to go to bed over-analyzing this diary entry now. Am I friend material? Am I a desperate loser? Is this entry a plea for attention? Will the girl who stood me up read this and be offended? WILL I EVER KNOW THE MEANING OF LIFE? ♦

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34 Comments

  • Naomi April 18th, 2012 7:19 PM

    katherine, just… exactly what i have felt. A LOT.
    YOU’RE NOT ALONE!!!!

  • thebrighterside April 18th, 2012 7:20 PM

    Ruby, I’m in my first year of high school now and it’s not all drugs, guns, and gangs. Yes, there are those people risking their lives (not to mention other people’s lives) with all three of those things, but there are positives too! You will meet amazing people that you will be friends with and be able to trust. You will have those awesome teachers that you will see even when their not teaching you. Lastly, you will learn more about yourself which is really important for life. Oh, and just to let you know, college can be a fresh start too, so there is still more to look forward to! I hope this helps :)

    http://www.sweetindigoroad.blogspot.com/

    • Asha April 18th, 2012 7:53 PM

      agreed! make sure you have fun and learn as much as you can. High school can be a freaky place sometimes, but nonetheless it’s ‘the’ place to learn more about yourself. You’ll meet lots of people from different backgrounds and teachers that are simply inspiring. I do wish you all the best time in high school :)

  • MissKnowItAll April 18th, 2012 7:20 PM

    Naomi- Come to New York. It’s really fun and the people are moderately nice:)
    And Ruby- I go to a public high school and the truth is, many public schools are very good. My school is in a rough neighborhood but we were ranked in the top 100 schools in America. Some of the greatest teachers I’ve ever met are in the public school system. There are tons of dedicated teachers who teach in public schools. Again, I go to a public school and we have a zero tolerance policy for bullying. We are all like a family and we band together to help one another. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve always gone to a public school but I hate it when there are so many assumptions about public schools. My brother attends an elite private school and for absolutely no tuition, I’m learning exactly what he is. See me point?

  • Lucy23 April 18th, 2012 8:00 PM

    I know exactly how you feel Ruby- and don’t stress about high school! I started public high school this year and I had previously been at private schools my whole life. Truth is, public school does have drugs and mean people and bad teachers, but there are also really nice people and great teachers. It’s pretty much like any other high school! And, from what i’ve learned in my (brief) time in High school, anything that doesn’t kill you makes you stronger: things may go badly, but you can use them to develop as a person! This is what happened to me when I decided halfway through a year at boarding school that I didn’t fit in; being surrounded by what you are not helps you to define what you are. Hope this helps!

    P.S. I really have to try that Dark Side Of The Rainbow thing, that’s literally one of the coolest things I’ve heard Hahaha

  • Marguerite April 18th, 2012 8:06 PM

    why wont naomi’s diary work?

  • tallulahpond April 18th, 2012 8:10 PM

    Katherine,
    You are NOT a desperate loser. You are an obviously intelligent, charming young woman. Also, it sounds like that girl is inconsiderate and rude to everyone, not just to you. Don’t take it to heart, people who act like that really aren’t worth hanging around with if they’re going to treat you that way. Please keep your chin up, I’m rooting for you ♥ ♥ ♥
    TP xx

  • grrrlinacoma April 18th, 2012 8:21 PM

    katherine, i feel the absolute same way. basically, i’m always attacked by the same thoughts and i’m happiest when i’m not. i’m my true self when these thoughts are not roaming my brain.

    i think this is just another growing pain that i will learn to cope with. i currently cope with this by being oblivious, but that’s not always healthy. ah, life……

    <3

  • KinuKinu April 18th, 2012 8:24 PM

    So awesome.I love them all. Ruby- I’ll be starting high school in a little while, too. I’ve been homeschooled for my whole middle school…..career….? Midddle school….time. Whatever. I have my own preconception of high school too. But I’m sure it’ll be fun. An experience. Don’t worry :D

  • maddy417 April 18th, 2012 8:27 PM

    dylan, i feel ya girl! i’m a junior in high school and starting to think about colleges, and it’s really weird and confusing to try and reconcile my feelings of wanting to go somewhere really new and exciting and be independent versus the scariness of how i’ll be starting a whole new chapter in my life and not living with my family!

    and ruby, don’t worry! you’ll find your niche. you’re way cooler than i was at 14 and somehow i have friends? haha. :)

  • I.ila April 18th, 2012 8:47 PM

    Okay, how is that biscuit still there. why isn’t it covered in mold. IT SHOULD BE ROTTING!

  • MaryFairy April 18th, 2012 8:47 PM

    Katherine- in times like that, I take a firm standpoint. I AM LOVELY AND EVERYBODY ELSE IS A STINKY OLD DOG FOR NOT NOTICING.

    its clear that you are being way too hard on yourself. I notice it because I put myself under the same unnecessary pressure all the time. And its EXHAUSTING.

    But you are graduating soon, yes? So you have another chance to break the cycle. The lonely-on-your-owney cycle. (which is a term used by psychologists the world over. I’m sure?) And my guess is that you definitely-probably will. :)

  • starcollector April 18th, 2012 9:00 PM

    Katherine I’m pretty much 99.999% sure you and I are brain-mates. It’s almost unavoidable, you must have plagiarized from my diary or something (except trade horses for cats… horses are beautiful but they’re also dangerous so they frighten me a bit). ANYWAYS.

    http://china-lily.blogspot.com

  • Kristen April 18th, 2012 9:43 PM

    Katherine, you sound totally amazing… not annoying at all!

    One, glorious, word for you: COLLEGE!

  • Quesadilla April 18th, 2012 10:05 PM

    Dylan,

    What school do you go to? I was accepted into Mills College in Oakland and I’m trying to decide if I should go there or not.

    Sincerely,
    Indecisive Texan

    • Dylan April 21st, 2012 12:36 AM

      I don’t go to Mills and don’t know much about it, except that it’s a really good school! Take a visit to Oakland if possible (and any other schools you are deciding about) because that helps SO much. Gotta feel the vibes of each town and campus and the decision gets so much easier!

  • cherrycola27 April 18th, 2012 10:26 PM

    I DON’T LIKE DOGS EITHER!! Everyone has a dog, possibly multiple of them, and when you go over their house you’re expected to play with them and think they’re so cute and everything. Not me. I can’t stand them. They jump on you and smell and are obnoxious. I feel like a jerk just saying that, but it’s true.

  • carlycarly April 18th, 2012 11:04 PM

    Dylan,

    I made the choice to attend post-secondary in another province (I’m Canadian, y’all). And I’m just finishing up my second year of university.

    I initially wanted to leave home because I knew I wouldn’t do it for any other reason, and therefore be ‘stuck’ in my hometown. So I thought I’d leave for school, because I knew home would be there waiting for me in four years.

    So, the first two years have been rough. Lots and lots of tears, and me wishing that I could teleport my mom and sister here with me, or that I could just be living at home. Your situation is different than mine, but the point I’m trying to get at is don’t sweat it… Home will always be there for you. And it’s a nice thing to miss and be close with your mom! Nothing is permanent, so take the plunge now, even if it means leaving something you love behind…Because though it is behind, you can always- always, back track.

  • VictoryBelle April 18th, 2012 11:29 PM

    I really know how you feel Dylan. Im in art college away from my family and for the last 2 summers Ive been focussing on getting internships and being productive and making stuff for me and hanging out with cool new friends and it just never happened. My mum and my sister both had mental health problems and there was a bunch of other stuff going on with other family members and it really felt like my family needed me to be around for moral support. It ended up being super draining and not healthy for me in particular and super unproductive – i ended up mostly sleeping and listening to harry potter audiobooks! and made me kinda hate/resent going home after that. Thankfully the resentment has waned, but theres still lots of problems that i feel like they need me around for. I even considered moving back there this term and trying to work from theirs, but that just wouldnt be practical. I’m 23 and am still finding this whole balance super hard and end up feeling guilty about not working or not looking after them. There are always going to be awesome internships out there for us and we are only young etc. but i dunno, i really feel like i’ve missed out on things too. I guess we’re just going to have to go with our gut instincts whilst trying to look out for as many people as possible! (somehow?!?)

    hoping we both manage to muddle through!

  • bellagirl April 19th, 2012 12:40 AM

    Every word Naomi and Katherine said I can relate too… I love these diary entries because they make me feel so happy that other people feel the same way!

  • Adrienne April 19th, 2012 1:11 AM

    Ruby, I was kind of scared of high school too when I was a freshman. Everyone seemed so old- there were guys with facial hair! I feel like it’s a pretty big transition. In middle school, not all of the kids have matured or gone through puberty yet but in high school your thrown with people who can legally drive and stuff! But don’t worry. High school is definitely better than middle school to me because there’s less cliquey girls and stupid drama. :)

    http://theaverageasiangirl.blogspot.com

  • Helenus April 19th, 2012 2:53 AM

    Ruby, high school isn’t your last first chance. There will be college, and then…surprise! Real adult life. You will be fine. It seems like high school is put on a pedestal by younger people, but the truth is it really isn’t a big deal. It’s kind of lame, actually. So no worries!

  • ai-ai April 19th, 2012 8:29 AM

    All dogs don’t smell bad! Some have this pheromone-thing on their forehead that emits a scent when they are happy or relaxed. For example my dog, who sometimes smells like some kind of flower, and her daughter, who smells like jasmine tea.

  • Maddy April 19th, 2012 12:19 PM

    ah so no Bard’s Early College then? High school is great sometimes. But it really sucks when you don’t have anyone to sit with at lunch. Depending on how it works at your school… I used to go to the piano room and be all artsy and really enjoy playing during lunch, and sometimes I go to the library. But yeah, high school is scary at first, but kind of full of exhilarating moments.

  • Starboardd April 19th, 2012 12:25 PM

    Dylan, I feel like we have opposite lives. I’m from central California and moving to Seattle next year for University because for me, California is settling, and Seattle is everything.

    • Dylan April 22nd, 2012 3:48 AM

      It’s all relative, isn’t it!

  • Sterling87 April 19th, 2012 1:57 PM

    Oh gawd Naomi, you got me started on a long journey through youtube watching interviews with Morrissey. So perfect, soooo peeeerrrfeeeect.

  • Emmi April 19th, 2012 3:17 PM

    Ruby, I’m in the same place as you. I’m going from being home schooled for nearly fifteen years, to being a high school sophomore. I don’t know anyone who goes to my school, I am not academic in the least, I’m horrible with meeting new people, I’m WAY too shy, and I’m freaked the fuck out. It really is nice to know that someone else is going through stuff like this, and that it isn’t the end of the world that I’m questioning this stuff. Thank you so much <3

  • sasha jade April 19th, 2012 5:19 PM

    Ruby that reminds me of when I moved from a public school to a private school…all my friends told me i would turn into a lesbian snob *actual quote* and i wouldn’t fit in cause i didn’t have a horse. fair to say, in basically every situation, these people are wrong.

  • pinnedtothepage April 19th, 2012 6:46 PM

    “crying on public transportation is when you know you’re really sad” haha

  • meghang April 19th, 2012 7:50 PM

    “I know growing out of the daughter role may come easily to some people…but those people might not be friends with their moms like I am. ”
    @Dylan: exactly how I feel. except I’m a junior in high school. my mom is my best friend and number one support system and the only scary thing about college is leaving her and not being a “full-time” daughter.

  • rhymeswithorange April 19th, 2012 9:00 PM

    Overall people are a lot more mature in high school than middle school! I find it’s so much easier to talk to everyone and float rather than be in distinct groups. So yay meeting new people :)
    Also, an invaluable resource: http://rookiemag.com/2011/09/higher-learning/
    DOESN’T HIGH SCHOOL SOUND FUN?!

  • marimba_girl April 23rd, 2012 7:56 PM

    Hey Ruby! I just want to let you know that public school is not too terribly awful. My BFF (who wasn’t really my BFF at the time because I just met her) switched from her Catholic school to public school at the start of seventh grade and she did not want anything to do with it. She did not go to any of the school dances or plays or join any of the clubs or after school activities because she was still hung up on her old school and didn’t want anything to do with public school. This made her experience very sucky. Now that we are juniors she is part of the stage crew for our theater and has gone to school events and has gotten over distancing herself from public school. I just wanted to put it out there that public school isn’t too bad if you make the effort to try and like it. Rant over.

    (P.S. Yes, sometimes the academics suck and some teachers suck, but I imagine that this happens in private schools too.)