Dear Diary

March 28, 2012

Big stuff, and little stuff that is also big stuff.


When moments and then whole days that are not hindered by anxiety start building up, I kind of start feeling bits of me returning. You know, baby’s back!

(Since last week I think the Bruce floodgates have opened and the references probably won’t stop. But I’ve been listening to this song all weekend, so deal with it.)

This is a little unnerving though, because parts of me that might have been taken up by anxiety are suddenly free. It’s like I have more space to spread out. It sounds strange, maybe, but sometimes I feel a bit empty without my anxiety, and I just walk around quietly in a sort of daze. It’s a transition I suppose, just like I am trying now to transition to spring. Here’s a photo of my house:

Only kidding. The weather here in Birmingham has been so unbelievably gorgeous—unusual for March—so me and Mum drove through green sun-soaked fields on Sunday. It doesn’t take long to get to the country from where we live. I don’t know, it’s kind of enough for me at the moment to widen my horizons past where they have been. It’s like I’m escaping from a cocoon where I’ve lived for a long time, and so everything is freshly beautiful. I can appreciate it all—walks around a country moat with my mum on a sunny afternoon especially. Thank you for taking photos, Mum, ’cause it feels a little like a daydream now. Just how I am going to do my politics and history assignments with this weather going on I have no idea. ♦


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  • Emmie March 28th, 2012 7:16 PM

    on wednesdays when I am in front of a computer I start refreshing rookie when the clock hits 7 because I love your entries, Ruby! I love that every week you write about something different, and all of them are like little scenes or vignettes. I’m so glad you got added to the diarists:)))

    • Ruby B. March 28th, 2012 8:35 PM

      That’s so sweet! My computer clock is exactly 11 minutes ahead of Rookie so I do the same thing for every post, refreshing again and again until it pops up.

  • AllieBee March 28th, 2012 7:16 PM

    Tacos do change everything!

  • MissKnowItAll March 28th, 2012 7:23 PM

    Dylan, I feel for you girl. That guy sounds like a total asshole. As for crush boy. lets hope he comes to his senses and realizes what an awesome girl he’s so stupidly ignoring.
    Ruby, you pretty much described my family at an amusement park. My grandmother actually got in a fight with a park ranger at disney world

  • suburban grrrl March 28th, 2012 7:24 PM

    Oh Rookie, don’t think I didn’t see this when you posted it at 3:00 by accident. You silly website, you.

    • Tavi March 28th, 2012 7:45 PM


      • suburban grrrl March 29th, 2012 6:47 AM

        . . . I am so sorry Tavi.

        • Tavi March 29th, 2012 10:08 AM

          d’awwwwww it’s okay, just cross your fingers for us that it’ll stop today!

  • tinklebot5000 March 28th, 2012 7:27 PM

    Dylan- OMG girl. I wish I could give you a massive hug because BEING ATTACKED IS NO JOKE. Also, that guy is his own worst punishment. He will be miserable forever.

    Ruby- you legit made me laugh until my abs hurt! you should totally write a book like Tina Fey :)

  • fizzingwhizbees March 28th, 2012 7:28 PM

    Oh my god Katherine YOU KNOW MY SOUL SO DEEPLY CAN WE PLEASE BE FRIENDS. I basically have spent my entire existence feeling like that.

  • missblack March 28th, 2012 7:34 PM

    Does anyone else just want to give Katherine a huge hug and be her Bestest Friend? ‘CUZ I DO.


  • mariaantoniavs March 28th, 2012 7:35 PM

    That’s pretty much my family, Ruby. Except there are no little kids to blame for the mess.

  • Marguerite March 28th, 2012 7:51 PM

    KATHERINE! know that exact same feeling! I am always a listener, i never really join in on conversations because i never truely know what/ who they are talking about, and have nothing of importance to say, but i always wish i would say more!
    also i haven’t seen hunger games yet, but i want to, but i know its going to be so different from the book, and not violent enough because there are so many poor weak souls out there who cant stand blood…and josh hutcherson has an ugly square baby face (no offense intended) but i never liked peeta anyways but still…

    • Ruby B. March 28th, 2012 8:36 PM

      Aw, he was cute when he was a kid in Bridge to Terabithia and stuff, though.

  • darksideoftherainbow March 28th, 2012 8:05 PM

    DYLAN! omg! i’m so sorry about all of that! you are totally right in feeling upset about CB not texting you back. i mean come on, getting jumped IS a big deal. and also, for the DOUCHEBAG friend that said all of that shit to you-if the relationship between Dylan and CB is so whatever that he doesn’t have to text back or even KEEP IN TOUCH AT ALL, then why does the whole “experiment” thing matter? and also, it’s not like Dylan said “oh, i’m gonna go experiment…this guy seems suitable!” it could have been that she never considered having that type of relationship but met this guy she liked and thought, “well, let me give this a shot bc i really like him!” but you wouldn’t consider that bc you’re a DOUCHEBAG!

    Dylan, i’m sorry. that guy sucks and so does CB. and it’s too bad, too bc i had such high hopes for you and CB. you’re awesome, tho so it really, truly is HIS loss.


    • VictoryBelle March 28th, 2012 10:31 PM

      I sooo agree with this. Even without the whole experiment thing, CB was someone you were hanging out with, someone you would call a friend at the very least!!! it’s more than a little rubbish to not say “oo what happened?” to a friend, let alone a friend with sexy-times-benefits. That is a pretty crappy thing to do and your irritation is totally legit . . . But this other joker???
      Omidays who on earth does he think he is to talk to anybody like that? To blame you for some idiot who took chunks out of you for zero reason??? What a wanker!! Well done to you and your girly mate for standing up for yourselves, that whole blaming the victim thing should never be put up with. I would never wish what happened to you on anybody, but I wonder whether he’d be blaming the victim if it had happened to him! I love when you can be righteously angry with jerks, its so exhilarating somehow, so remember the rush but dont waste another second on either of the idiots xxx

    • Dylan March 29th, 2012 4:57 PM

      Everyone’s comments are so REAL. Everything you guys are saying I’m like eyes-closed slow-nodding in “ooh, yes child” agreement. Also VictoryBelle your colloquialisms are so amazing, my goal of today is to use “chunks out” in a sentence because THAT RULES

      • VictoryBelle April 4th, 2012 2:25 PM

        v glad i made you smile

  • starcollector March 28th, 2012 8:06 PM

    OH MY GOD Katherine. Seriously. We are absolutely personality twins. I listen and observe everyone and everyone always calls me “the quiet one”. Ughh sometimes I’d like to think it’s a compliment, but in reality it sounds a bit like “you’re that weird one who doesn’t ever contribute to conversations why are you here”. But I usually freak out BEFORE the actual friend-date happens and say I’m sick or my grandmother got into a car accident or my sick got into a car accident and I’m grandmother.

    But either way: friendly interactions… apparently not my bag.

  • Ruby B. March 28th, 2012 8:39 PM

    Aw, Dylan, that guy is such a jerk! And it’s CB’s loss for ignoring such a wonderful lady. <3

  • cherrycola27 March 28th, 2012 9:08 PM

    Can I just say…
    That’s my new favorite sentence.

  • bellagirl March 28th, 2012 11:38 PM

    Katherine, why are we the same person? I mean I’m so glad that you put that feeling into words exactly how I think of it. It’s frustrating but there are others like me which is nice!

    And Ruby thank you for always making me smile with your amazing diary entries. They never cease to entertain <3

  • Mona V March 29th, 2012 12:35 AM

    cool post ruby! i really like your writing style, it’s like reading a little novel with cool descriptions and all. have you read any steinbeck? he’s the best at doing awesome, long character descriptions!
    xoxo mona

  • Emily Condon March 29th, 2012 12:55 AM

    I love Minna’s collage so completely. I can’t stop looking at it.

    • Anaheed March 29th, 2012 1:09 AM

      Me neither. Such a good one this week.

      • Minna March 29th, 2012 5:33 PM

        Awww you guuuuyyyssss!!! This one was really special to me. STRANGE EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT TO PIECE OF PAPER……..

  • rainymouse March 29th, 2012 12:55 AM

    I loved your journal entry Katherine! I always feel like this when I go out with my friends and even though I know everyone feels like this at some point, it’s still nice to see it written.

    By the way, I totally cried almost every time Prim was on screen.

  • ivoire March 29th, 2012 2:04 AM

    The police didn’t do anything about the attack? Ugh. That’s horrible Dylan.

  • tallulahpond March 29th, 2012 2:48 AM

    I LOVED The Hunger Games. I cried twice during it- the bit with Rue and the flowers was fantastic and I was actually sobbing with terror at the Tracker Jacker attack, so so so scary! I’m going back to see it again for sure, and just started reading the books. They’re great, and the plot is of course brilliant, but I’ve found I prefer Katniss in the film version.
    This I very rarely find in films, but I prefer the film because although the writing’s not bad at all in the books, it doesn’t have the style I was expecting.

  • suze_me March 29th, 2012 10:19 AM

    Oh god, I know the pathetic awful feeling of not being able to be a part of the conversation AND blaming yourself later, in the dark premises of your room, about all the blunders you made and the lack of good conversational skills. So much for trying to belong -.-
    AND I KNOW all about the peculiar you-want-more-violence-you-heartless-girl look.

  • isabellehungryghost March 29th, 2012 11:40 AM

    kathrine! i just adore you!

  • Anna March 29th, 2012 1:25 PM

    Omg Katherine I feel EXACTLY the same! Weird but strangely comforting?! It’s like I don’t even know how to communicate properly with my own friends anymore. Today I just sat and listened to their conversation because I didn’t know how to just jump in and contribute. I kind of blamed them for a while and thought they were excluding me but now I see that maybe it’s my fault. Today I was wondering if there was something wrong with me but I’m so glad I read this and someone else feels similarly too. And I love the Hunger Games! It’s my birthday in a week and I wanted to go see it with my friends because we’re all total fangirls of the book, but this whole situation with my being weirdly unsociable has made me changed my mind :/ arghhfjidhfjhjifhnnz

  • Kathryn March 29th, 2012 5:04 PM

    KATHERINE – As usual, I can totally relate. Alsoooo, HUNGER GAMES HUNGER GAMES HUNGER GAMES! I thought it actually did pretty good following the book, as far as movie adaptations of books go.

    DYLAN – I am sorry that you had to deal with that jerk!!

    PS: I’m sad that Exploration is almost over, but excited for next month!

  • Dylan March 29th, 2012 5:35 PM

    Anaheed thanks for making “douchebag” a tag

  • taste test March 29th, 2012 11:04 PM

    katherine- I totally get it. unlike you, I am going to prom, but now I wish I wasn’t because everyone I know ditched me for other groups for their pre- and after-prom plans and limos and tables and shit. we should all start a socially awkward support group or something

  • Claudia March 30th, 2012 11:58 AM

    I know heaps of people have said this already, but… Katherine- I know just how you feel. Your whole entry could have been written about me, especially about the hunger games needing to be more violent. It’s true- stop judging me everyone!!

  • OlyGirl_LAWorld March 30th, 2012 2:46 PM

    Katherine. Oh man, how I completely and utterly get you. Your posts always hit my high school experience on the head. Always trying to fit, but it just doesn’t quite work? Feeling resentful toward people who don’t include you on a more intimate (best friendsy?) level, and then immediately feeling awkward and inadequate when you do get that attention? Dude, I feel you. I felt like I would never find my “place,” you know? I think high school is that awful middle ground between childhood and adulthood, when you’re so ready to experiment and be your own person, but years of forged relationships and insecurities hinder you just enough to make it seem impossible. When you get out, it’s amazing how those ties just….disappear. For whatever reason, getting as far away from my hometown and all those people made it so much easier to accept myself and finally feel comfortable reaching out to those around me. Trust me, it gets a lot easier.

  • Jenn March 30th, 2012 3:34 PM

    wow, this guy really does win “world’s biggest asshole” and it sounds like ex crush-boy comes in second for being friends with him and his lame-o nonresponse.

  • Erica March 31st, 2012 4:30 AM

    Katherine…girl…I am almost 31 years old, and I still feel the way you did. All I can say is that you will find some friends around whom you can be as awkward as you are, and it won’t matter, and they will love you more because of it. You will learn to alternately fake it/stop caring around everyone else for large swaths of time. You will always feel like you’re seeing the world slightly differently from the majority of your peers. You will wait for the moment that you feel like a real adult, who has it all together, who nows how to act, and then you will realize that moment is never going to happen, and you will love yourself anyway, when you’re not feeling like a teenager trapped in a grown-ass woman’s body. <3

  • Gabby March 31st, 2012 6:17 PM

    Katherine, I know exactly how you feel. I only have like five friends who I can actually have fun around. And that’s only because I have surrendered to my weirdness and they politely ignore my strange comments. The rest of the time, I totally awkward around people my age. I don’t know what kids are like! I’m a kid, and I like changing my voice to fit my mood! I recently said that I liked High School Musical just to be included in the conversation at a party. (Total lie) What is wrong with me?

  • jeanette April 5th, 2012 2:02 PM

    Shit, Dylan, you don’t KNOW how much I hate ASSHOLES like that who will just pick and pick and pick at everything just to twist a word or two into a full-blown plee for attention. I was once talking to my friend about how I felt sad because my friend was ignoring me and this absolute LOSER turned around behind me, ‘I’m sorry, no offence, but it sounds to me like you’re just being a pissy bitch. You need to grow up.’ Unbelievable, right?! Aurgh!!!

    • Dylan April 14th, 2012 4:19 AM

      “oh no offense, but…”