Literally the Best Thing Ever: Astrology

It has never steered me wrong.

I was born on July 13th at 3:10 AM in St. Louis, Missouri, which means I’m a Cancer with Gemini rising and moon in Pisces. I know this because I’m a total astrology buff. My obsession began in sixth grade, when I first noticed the daily horoscopes next to my beloved Garfield and Peanuts comics. Then I started buying the cigarette-size horoscope scrolls near the cash register at the drugstore that provided a full monthly outlook. Yeah, you could buy tiny, colorful scrolls with your future written on them for $1.99! I thought it was the coolest thing on earth until I discovered Susan Miller’s astrology almanacs, which not only gave day-by-day predictions for the whole year, but also offered insight into your personality based on your sun sign and gave a breakdown of how your sign matched up romantically with other signs.

I honestly don’t understand why everybody else isn’t as addicted to astrology as I am. How can you resist a peek into your future, plus a bonus (and always flattering) personality analysis?

There are, of course, some cynics out there who say no one can tell you the future, especially not based on the stars. But I firmly believe that astrology is at least as accurate as meteorology, and you never end up carrying an umbrella around for no reason as a result of reading your horoscope. Astrological predictions may not be super precise—you’re never going to read one that says, “Today, the girl in your gym class that you’ve been crushing on for six months is going to ask you out”—but who really wants that? What a spoiler! Though they may be vague, I can’t tell you how many times my horoscope has given me a nudge in the right direction. I’d read that it’s a good day for romance or getting my talents recognized, and I’d screw up my courage to talk to my crush or ask for a raise. Astrology has never steered me wrong!

Astrology also provides comfort when you are going through rough times. You can say to yourself, “Hey, Mercury is in retrograde, but things will get better after the new moon.” And usually they do. Often all you need to make good stuff happen is a positive attitude, but that can really hard to conjure up when you’re feeling like crap. I find that astrology gives me the boost of hope I need.

I also think it’s amazing that the time, date, and position of the stars when I was born can tell me so much about my personality. Instead of feeling like a crazy person when I’m all moody, I remind myself, “Sensitivity is a Cancer thing.” Then I try to focus on a positive Cancer trait like creativity or loyalty to snap me out of my funk.

Astrology is literally the best thing ever because, for me, it was like a visit to a psychic and a psychologist for the cost of a paperback—and that was in the early ’90s. Now, thanks to the wonderful world of the internet, you can get your natal chart done and a personalized daily horoscope FOR FREE at or an in-depth monthly analysis by Susan Miller at It doesn’t come on a pastel-colored miniature scroll, but it’s better for the environment and will still get you looking forward to your luckiest days of the month. And who doesn’t like to feel lucky? ♦


  • MissKnowItAll March 27th, 2012 7:09 PM

    So true! I’m a sagitarrius and I always read my horoscope. It’s usually wrong but I love feeling like I can look into my future. I tried writing horoscopes but they basically all failed:(

    • ale March 27th, 2012 9:13 PM

      sagittarius represent!

      • unefillecommetoi April 3rd, 2012 4:52 PM

        i’m a sagittarius too!

    • starcollector March 27th, 2012 9:59 PM

      Sag girls for the win! :) I think I’ve read horoscopes for as long as I can remember being able to read. Good ol’ Seventeen Magazine never did me wrong.

  • missblack March 27th, 2012 7:14 PM

    I’ve never put much stock in Astrology but I do know that my sign is Scorpio and that has always made me feel kind of awesome, like I’m secretly some sort of awesome, ass-kicking ninja.


    • callie March 27th, 2012 7:32 PM

      not as ass-kicking and ninja like as…
      seriously astrology guys why make Libra the worlds dullest object ever. Might as well be like a spoon or a can of deodorant or something

      • herdinthehalls March 27th, 2012 9:06 PM

        Libra always gets the short end of the stick :(

      • farawayfaerie March 28th, 2012 6:02 PM

        No way! Libra is amazing! We’re super unique ’cause we’re the only Zodiac sign whose symbol is an inanimate object, and we represent equality and balance. I love being Libra <3

    • Moxx March 27th, 2012 7:51 PM

      Scorpio reporting in!

    • Belinda March 27th, 2012 8:07 PM


  • decemberbaby March 27th, 2012 7:50 PM

    I love astrology SO much. I’m a Sagittarius, which means that whenever I’m feeling down in the dumps, I just remind myself that my spiritual representative is a centaur with intense archery skills and act accordingly.

    Also, I love talking about and sharing astrology with my friends. It’s so much fun to (pretend to) discover the star-fueled characteristics that make us “compatible.”

  • Annabelle123 March 27th, 2012 7:54 PM

    I own like 8 different books including the one in the picture

  • emilyowls March 27th, 2012 8:27 PM

    you didn’t mention how ALL the signs are off now because the constellations and months don’t line up the same…. there’s even an EXTRA sign now on the “correct” astrology charts… i learned this in an astronomy class like 2 yrs ago. dont remember much else.

    BUT i know my boyfriend and i have super incompatible signs. virgo and aquarius. haha. we’ve been together like 3 years. OVERCOMING ASTROLOGICAL ODDS!! ahhh :3

  • KinuKinu March 27th, 2012 8:31 PM

    Wow…..pretty cool.I’m a Sagittarius,and it’s always fun to read my horoscope.In the Chinese Zodiac,I’m a Tiger(one of my favorite animals) which is just so cool.THANKS MOM AND DAD FOR HAVING ME WHEN YOU DID.IM A TIGER,YAY!!

  • Toria Crux March 27th, 2012 8:31 PM

    Yo, Aquarius here! Does anyone know why the element for Aquarius is AIR? I mean, come on! How does THAT make any sense? Why isn’t the WATER CARRIER the element WATER?! Rant over.

    • all-art-is-quite-useless March 28th, 2012 3:18 PM

      Yo, fellow Aquarius! How weird… now I feel like a belong to a star sign with a split personality.

      At a park near my house, there’s a maze cut into the grass – lines of gravel make the edges of the pathways and you walk down the grass pathways – and around the edge there’s pictures of the symbols of the zodiac, and when I was little I always felt so bummed that I had to be a water carrier while my sister got to be a SCORPION. Who wants to carry water when you can be a SCORPION? so not bitter…

      • Toria Crux April 1st, 2012 2:47 PM

        My sister’s a Scorpio to. O.o

  • AnguaMarten March 27th, 2012 8:42 PM

    this is a really interesting take on it. i don’t believe in astrology and i think people who take it really seriously have issues, but i can get on board with the idea of an extra boost or a way to think positively.

    • leraje March 29th, 2012 1:06 PM

      exactly. it is completely bogus but it’s generally good advice!

  • Skatapus March 27th, 2012 8:43 PM

    My current homeroom teacher is really into astrology, palm reading, dream analysis and all of that stuff! (I think it stems from her originally being a psychologist) Anyway, we pretty much spend every morning with her analysing our birthcharts and finding out what all the houses and planets mean. :D

  • herdinthehalls March 27th, 2012 9:05 PM

    Holy crudmonkeys, that is spot on.

  • Kristin March 27th, 2012 9:09 PM

    I’m so glad you wrote this. I discovered astrology a little over a year ago, and ever since then it’s like I’ve had my own personal guide to life (and Susan Miller is usually right!), plus I no longer felt like such a freak. Virgo with Gemini rising here, and I’m happy to say that I behave exactly as I should! :-)

  • Cassie March 27th, 2012 9:43 PM

    Were we born on the same day?! I was born on July 13, 1990… I would have had a Pisces moon, but the moon switched over to Aries a little bit before I was born (5:44 p.m.). Strange!

    • Cassie March 27th, 2012 9:57 PM

      I’m pretty big on astrology, personality tests, enegrams, etc because I just want to fully understand myself and pretty much everyone I know. I think birth charts are pretty accurate and give a description that can’t be altered by a person while taking something like a personality test. I didn’t necessarily believe in it until I did my chart which had something eerily accurate about how I deal with things. Astrology has pretty much taken over my life and I think it’s beginning to rub off on a lot of my friends and family members.

      I’m a proud Cancer sun, Aries moon, Sagittarius rising. It took me a while to fully accept the great things Cancer has to offer, but now I love it!

    • Stephanie March 28th, 2012 12:27 AM

      Same date, but not same day. I’m an old lady compared to you ;) But Cancers, FTW!

      • Cassie March 28th, 2012 1:24 AM

        Did you know we share a birthday with Julius Caesar? Yay for sharing a birthday with the person our birth month is named after!

    • LittleMissE March 31st, 2012 5:38 PM

      Ahaha, me too! July 13, 1998. Biiiit of an age gap between us three, but still the same day!

  • FashionHauties March 27th, 2012 9:56 PM

    Hah, my friend Annika is OBSESSED with astrology. I find it quite HILquarius. Get it? Haha…

  • Chloe.Enthusiast March 27th, 2012 10:33 PM

    I am believer of astrology too! I’ve been reading it since I was a kid when my dad bought the newspaper every Sunday and the first time I actually went through it & found the weekly reading, some of it seemed accurate and some maybe for the positive boost I may need during the week. At one stage, I was obsessed of it till whenever I read a reading that says something bad is going to happen, it’ll linger in my mind the whole week as if im expecting it to happen. It affected me so much that I’ve decided to take a mental note to digest only the good ones, ignore the bad ones.

    So all these while, I’ve been reading it for fun until the facebook’s “Anita prediction” came along and one day, it says I’m going to ditch my plans in the evening as something unexpected will occur and guess what, it did, some close relative (RIP) passed away and I had to postponed my evening out to some other day. Recently, it said something of a romantic link with an older person might happen and surprisingly, someone whom I’ve lost contact few years ago suddenly messaged me. Nowadays it’s all about creativity and ideas coming from few sources sort of predictions since I’ve been venturing into creativity zone on inventing something super-awesome soon. FB has few other predictions readings too like Amora etc but Anita works for me!

    My advice, read the astrology for fun! Only take in the positive and ditch the negative, what else have you got to lose?


  • queserasera March 27th, 2012 10:45 PM

    i usually laugh at super serious horoscopes, but i do believe in THE ONION HOROSCOPES.

  • puffytoad March 27th, 2012 11:16 PM

    Why didn’t my other comment get through? I didn’t say anything mean. :(

    • Anaheed March 27th, 2012 11:28 PM

      I don’t see your other comment in our system – can you repost it?

  • erin March 27th, 2012 11:33 PM

    I’ve always been borderline skeptic/believer with this kind of thing. I mean, it seems king of unlikely that some alignment of stars can affect your personality. BUT my sign fits me in every way! It’s freaky!
    I don’t read horoscopes though, I’ve just never gotten into them.

  • superdilettante March 27th, 2012 11:46 PM

    My favorite (although I love Astro and astrologyzone) is . There was a period a few years ago when I was going through some incredibly specific stuff with two people in particular, and Astrobarry’s (free!) horoscopes during that period were always weirdly prescient and incredibly helpful. He also offers a yearly prediction for a small fee, and that’s great, too!

    • Stephanie March 28th, 2012 12:27 AM

      Thanks for the site rec. I’m always looking for more!

  • lep1593 March 28th, 2012 12:09 AM

    Does anyone have a horoscope iPhone app that they like? I’ve been looking for a good one for ages.

  • Mags March 28th, 2012 12:17 AM

    I’ve always been obsessed with astrology (I’m a true blue Pisces) and I don’t care what the lame-o cynics say. Pfft. They obviously don’t get it. And they’re probably all Aquarians :D

  • Devon Wolf Sings March 28th, 2012 12:44 AM

    I’m the most Gemini Gemini that ever Gemini’d. It’s almost disgusting. And I love this. <3

  • Adrienne March 28th, 2012 12:55 AM

    Haha I love astrology! Sagittarius, wooh! And as for Chinese zodiac, I’m a pig, hehe.
    I also love taking personality tests. The Myers-Briggs one is spot-on! I highly recommend taking it. I’m an INTJ!

    My English teacher and my dad think astrology is ridiculous though… :P

  • gloomyflamingo March 28th, 2012 1:34 AM

    It’s nice that you have some kind of a thing that gives you a boost when you’re feeling down or lost, but why deceive yourself with astrology…? Why not look in a book or remember a movie character and imagine what they would do? I don’t see how arrangement of stars could possibly influence your life, these objects are so distant and the forces unsignificant to us. Not to mention that most of the people I know don’t fit in a description of their zodiac sign – and if they do, it’s because they believe in astrology and they’re probably deceiving themselves to think the opposite.

    I’m not trying to be mean, it just seemed weird to me that everybody else here has agreed with the author’s opinion. And I hope that I stand for more people than just myself.

  • Narnie March 28th, 2012 2:38 AM

    Linda Goodman’s Sun Signs. Get on it.

  • thunderbolts March 28th, 2012 2:58 AM

    you’re not the only one who’s interested in horoscope and stuff like that!
    I am an aries, and somehow my crush’s is leo! i don’t really read horoscopes for believing it, but just for fun. But it suprisingly gone that way.

  • supersteff March 28th, 2012 3:02 AM

    Heyyyyyy, I totally understand you! It’s an addiction.Especially when you see the analysis of your personality! It is obsessive :))

  • Shophopper March 28th, 2012 4:42 AM

    Please let this be followed by a ‘Literally the best thing ever: not believing in astrology’ article. Why is it okay to believe your date of birth defines your personality? Replace ‘date of birth’ with ‘skin colour’ or ‘gender’ and you’ll cause uproars all over the place. With all do respect, but I think the whole concept of astrology is preposterous.

  • ellaronnie March 28th, 2012 8:38 AM

    This is like my obsession. But I also blame everything that has ever gone wrong in my life on astrology.

  • isabellehungryghost March 28th, 2012 10:11 AM

    ugh. i hate astronomy. i get a headache thinking about what is bigger than us.

  • KayKay March 28th, 2012 10:39 AM

    OMG I love astrology! I’ve been boring everyone I know with it for the past year or so, since I really got into it. I’d go up to people and ask for their star sign and be all like “Oh, you’re a Pisces? You’re a very artistic person who understands people better than anyone else.”

    I never really know what I am because I was born on the Aries/Taurus cusp (20th of April), but I’m definitely more Aries than Taurus.

  • HollieLillian March 28th, 2012 12:56 PM

    This has totally inspired me to go and sift through all of our old books to find the astrology set my auntie had from when she grew up in the 1980s and handed down to me when I was about eight!

  • Giulia Lain March 28th, 2012 1:05 PM

    I didn’t believe in astrology before… but one day I got bored and I read my horoscope… It was scary because there was the whole description of myself, I couldn’t believe it… I still can’t understand how your birth date can interfere in your character, but it can’t be coincidence, right?
    Anyway, I’m a Scorpio with Aquarius rising and Virgo moon ;)

  • hahabonniee March 28th, 2012 3:11 PM

    this is just an observation but ive noticed that when you read your horoscope you usually agree with it because it sheds light on a part of yourself that you may not have recognized before, but that doesnt mean it is true you are just seeing another perspective. it is faulty and isn’t reliable or true, and i can say from personal experience my pisces horoscope isn’t completely true….. at all. so im just saying astrology is fun but dont take it too seriously because its all just really silly.

  • FossilisedUnicorn March 28th, 2012 3:57 PM

    My mother used to be really into astrology and birth horoscopes and stuff, which goes a lot further than just your astrological sign. And it’s actually really quite interesting. Birth horoscopes are very complex but they give a very accurate personal description about your strengths and weaknesses, what themes you’re dealing with, etc. Whenever my mum talks about it it sounds like maths: ascendant in scorpio, mars in sixth house. The horoscope itself looks even more complicated. Awesome stuff.

  • bethleeroth March 28th, 2012 10:38 PM

    I love astrology because without fail, it ALWAYS helps me understand other people and my relationships with them!

  • Eliza March 29th, 2012 7:55 AM

    I live and breathe Barbara Goldsmith! Check out her channel on Youtube-
    Everything she says turns out to be freakishly true!!! So, yes I believe in astrology and it ISN’T boo-hockey!

    P.S.- My dad’s birthday is on July 14th. :D

  • Nikkita March 29th, 2012 8:34 AM

    I totally know what you’re talking about. Astrology is one of those things that a lot of people dismiss and think are bs thinking that those newspaper horoscopes is as far as it goes. It goes right down to the minute and of which time zone you were born under and involves a lot more than most would think. When you put together your sun, moon, rising, venus, mercury etc signs, as well as the houses in which they are placed, (even going down to the degree) birth charts and informed readings on them can be surprisingly accurate! I was interested to find things in my birth chart that related to specific personality traits I possess, my talents, even notes on the way I relate to people or things I feel restricted by; there were even things that touched on personal connections and relationships, for example, not having a close relationship with my father from a young age (my parents separated when I was a toddler, most of my time growing up was living with my mother and I seem to feel a little more connected to her) and it seems to mention different things that I have already gone through, or things that I am in the midst of/plan to go through. So I am a firm believer in astrology also, although only when you get down to the little details of it – those generic horoscopes are usually bs :P but then I also believe in the “everything is connected to everything” thing in which I think astrology ties in to.

    (sorry for the essay XD great article btw, astrology for the win!)

    triple aries girl speaking here (sun, moon, rising) i felt this was relevant for some unknown reason haha.

  • neenah March 29th, 2012 3:39 PM

    Astrology is the best (and for sure one of the most addicting) things ever! I checke dout my horscope for March on the Susan Miller website for a cinfimation of why I love my new bookshelf arrangement so much (this March was the time for home remodeling or purchasing or otheriwse making your home your castle) and turns out the days ahead will be a fine time for romance. Lucky me!

    • neenah March 29th, 2012 4:09 PM

      This also reminds me of the dictionary I had growing up. My dad won it at some city wide spelling bee. In fine 70′s fashion it had a whole section in the back devoted to astrology. It had a brief history, a chart with celestial movements mapped out, and best of all a series of full page, full color illustrations to accompany each sign of the zodiac. The illustrations were so amazing! Nearly every sign was graced by a beautiful semi-nude lady (in a fine art kinda way, not a porno kinda way). Even the picture for Cancer had a lady in the corner, to show the nurturing aspects of the sign. The best was Libra, which featured a lovely red head flying through the clouds carrying the scales gracefully in one outstreched arm and holding a rose modestly over the x rated part :). I considered her a feminine ideal. The Virgo pic was pretty cool too, a blue skinned lady with long black hair and huge angel wings holding a lily of the valley. The “masculine” signs had pretty good characters. Like capricorn had a King Triton-like guy off to the side of the half fish, half goat creature who represented the sign. Sagitarius was a sexy centaur. Unfortunately my sign (Aquarius) had a bony dude with a depressing 70′s beard.

  • Madalena March 31st, 2012 12:19 PM

    Rob Brezsny has some awesomely positive weekly horoscopes that I love. AND you can sign up for an email horoscope that’s like getting a present every week :)

  • stellar April 2nd, 2012 3:03 AM

    astrology helped me in growing up in a family w an Aries, Virgo and Pisces!!
    i’m an Aquarius, moon in Cancer, Pisces rising.
    it’s fascinating, growing up with all four elements in the house : )

  • trickerie April 13th, 2012 6:32 PM

    I’ve been obsessed with astrology from a young age as well! I’m so obsessed that I can tell a person’s astrology sign from their appearance or upon first meeting or by one singular personality trait, eeep.

  • Arwen April 23rd, 2012 8:33 PM

    AHHH I totally love Astrology!! PROUD TO BE AN ARIES!! =D