Fun

Texting Your Crush

A handy how-to guide.

Illustration by Kelly

Interacting with a crush via text message is BY FAR the most important endeavor of your teenage years—nay!—your ENTIRE LIFE. As an expert on dating, sex, human nature, relationships, flirting, cell phones, and technology in general, I though it might be helpful if I shared with you some of my crush-texting tips. Here they are. YOU ARE SO WELCOME.

1. Never ever, EVER text your crush first. Your crush will think you are honestly so gross and creepy if you contact them. You don’t want your crush to think that you actually want to TALK TO THEM, do you? Right. Just wait by your phone for them to contact you. This might take somewhere between ten minutes and 100 years. Keep waiting.

2. Congrats! Your crush has texted you. Now STOP. Don’t do anything rash like, god forbid, text back right away. The post-text moment is a time for deliberation. The most important thing in this situation is not to text back right away, but rather, to wait it out for enough time that your crush thinks you were doing other more important things, like curing cancer or winning a Pulitzer or getting texted by dozens of other crushes. If you wait less than 10 minutes before texting back, you might as well just build yourself a shack in the woods and become a recluse, because you’ll be forever alone.

3. While you’re waiting for the right time to text back, take some time to think about the important things. Namely, how many Ys are you going to put on your hey? The length of your Hey Tail says a lot about you. A standardly spelled hey is the fastest way to imprison your self in the Friend Zone, but too many Ys gives the impression of drunkenness, desperation, or (shudder) both. Think about your greeting very carefully. Maybe even stress about it a little. It matters a lot.

4. Formulate a response. Hit send. Pro tip: never capitalize any words, or your crush might think you are a mom.

5. Wait for a response. Now is an opportune time to have an anxiety attack. Here are some things to worry about: Did you pick the right form of hey? Did you text them back too soon? Was their first text to you sent by accident? Was it meant for somebody else? Did your response get mixed up in the airwaves somehow and now it looks like you texted them “HELLO I HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU,” even though it was somebody else? All important things to worry about. (There are so many things to worry about, and if you are not worrying about all of them, all the time, you should worry about THAT. WHAT ARE YOU NOT WORRYING ABOUT THAT YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT RIGHT NOW?)

6. If your crush deigns to text you back, think hard about your reply. “What’s up?” is more than just a question. It doesn’t just call for an answer; it calls for an evaluation of the universe. Conflict in Syria? A shortage of butter in Norway? The slow realization that with every passing minute you are one step closer to death? Your response to “What’s up?” should account for these things and more.

7. Quit thinking and respond, “nm, u?”

8. Call your best friend and discuss the rapidly unfolding details of this text conversation. IT ALL MUST MEAN SOMETHING. Play tarot cards. Consult a Ouija board. Sacrifice a squirrel on your kitchen counter and drink its blood for strength. A vision quest into the nearest wooded area will help you gain clarity. Your crush must have meant something by it when they said, “Hey!”

9. Give up. It probably wasn’t going to work out anyway. There’s a Law & Order marathon marathon (a marathon of Law & Order marathons) on TV for the next year, so you probably wouldn’t have had time to date anybody anyway. Lament your situation. Cry a bucket of tears and drown your phone in it. Never text again.

Remember, never be friendly, genuine, or confident. Don’t have fun or try to flirt. Take this all very seriously. Letting your crush know the real you is the fastest way to make sure they’ll find you disgusting. If you follow these tips carefully, I guarantee you’ll never embarrass yourself. Or take the relationship to the next level, but we all know that not looking like a loser is way more important.

61 Comments

  • queserasera February 16th, 2012 7:06 PM

    “WHY DON’T YOU LIKE ME hey” hahahhahahah omg this is too funny but sad because my friends take flirting via texts too seriously. they strategize and have game plans and everything.

    http://mercurialmanic.blogspot.com/

  • dandylioness February 16th, 2012 7:10 PM

    Love it! Made me laugh about my own stupidity and put it in some perspective :D

  • Sunshine February 16th, 2012 7:15 PM

    I LOVE THIS. :)

  • Pashupati February 16th, 2012 7:17 PM

    Ah ah, I thought it was serious when I began to read, but then reminded myself it wouldn’t fit with the rest of the webzine, and then it began to be obviously non-serious :)
    Though, I’m like that when chatting online :’(

  • unicorn February 16th, 2012 7:28 PM

    This article is ridiculous.
    Raccoon blood is WAY better drinking material when you need strength.

    • all-art-is-quite-useless February 19th, 2012 10:09 AM

      No way! Badger blood totally tops raccoon blood’s strength giving powers.

      Also, badgers are a protected species so if you get caught killing on then you could get sent to jail for six months – in Britain anyway – so if all goes wrong texting your crush, and school becomes completely embarrassing, then at least everyone will have forgotten about it by the time you get out.

  • Faith February 16th, 2012 7:28 PM

    Haha, this is too funny, and I find this rather very helpful, except one thing, I don’t own a cell phone. Ah fail! Will this hold me back from actually being in a relationship because a dude will find it absolutely “lame-o” to not have a cell phone or a Facebook… yet still have a Blogger account??? haha, you know what, I actually don’t care.

    http://theunicornslap.blogspot.com/

  • hollz February 16th, 2012 7:35 PM

    I’m so glad this isn’t fer reals. At first, I thought it was, but then, I realised. It’s hard to convey tone with WRITTEN WORDS sometimes. I put a ridiculous amount of “Y”s after hey. Everything in fact.

    Me: Heyyyyyyyyyy! How’reeee youuuu? 12:34 AM

    Them: gtf
    01:12 AM

  • MissKnowItAll February 16th, 2012 7:40 PM

    Too funyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy for wordsyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
    But seriuosly, I read this and thought “It’s a good thing I’m too cool for texting:)”

  • bookworm123 February 16th, 2012 7:41 PM

    Heehee, I loved this! “Sacrifice a squirrel on your kitchen counter and drink its blood for strength” made me giggle to the point of snorting. :) Great piece!

  • Jessie92 February 16th, 2012 7:46 PM

    Ok so I sacrificed a possum (we don’t have squirrels in Australia) and he still hasn’t texted back, it’s been 2 days. Does it work with possums? Maybe I just texted back too quickly? Ugh!

  • ravenflamingo February 16th, 2012 7:47 PM

    “Sacrifice a squirrel on your kitchen counter and drink its blood for strength.”
    Am I the only one who didn’t really find this article funny? I know it was a joke, but come on Rookie. You can do better.

    • fullmetalguitar February 16th, 2012 8:13 PM

      I think it’s probably more funny if you’ve done this a lot. If not, then well… you don’t relate so it’s not funny.

  • Laia February 16th, 2012 7:54 PM

    THIS IS SO REAL.

  • Julia845 February 16th, 2012 7:56 PM

    Thank you so much rookie, this made me laugh after a long day!

  • youarebananas February 16th, 2012 8:04 PM

    i had a conversation with a guy last week who noticed that a certain girl always waited exactly 13 minutes to text back. he wondered if that was a coincidence…NOPE

  • I.ila February 16th, 2012 8:06 PM

    I still have a friend who texts like this… 14 years old…

  • Jamie February 16th, 2012 8:29 PM

    dude i wrote this and i still text like this sometimes. NO SHAME

  • puffytoad February 16th, 2012 9:14 PM

    zomg! You can’t wait to text them back because what if they go to a dead zone and they NEVER EVER RECEIVE YOUR TEXT AND THINK YOU DON’T LIKE THEM! *Gasp*

  • Nomi February 16th, 2012 9:15 PM

    guizz i did all dis && itt ttly worked!!1!1 wwere getng marri3d in de spring!!1!1!

    • Ellie February 20th, 2012 3:45 PM

      congrats oh em geeee!1!!!11! im so happie for uu!11!! that’s gr8!!1!1!

  • cherrycola27 February 16th, 2012 9:21 PM

    Oh man! The waiting the appropriate length of time to text back is the worst! If he takes ten minutes and I only take two?? I LOOK LIKE A HUGE LOSER JUST SITTING BY THE PHONE WAITING!! Which, you know, I am but whatever.

  • stylepukka February 16th, 2012 10:03 PM

    “Sacrifice a squirrel on your kitchen counter and drink its blood for strength.” yeah at first i thought this was a serious article but OHMYGAWSH I LOVE ROOKIE.

    stylepukka.blogspot.com

  • Mags February 16th, 2012 10:05 PM

    I’ve done ALL of this.

    And I still do it sometimes.

  • taste test February 16th, 2012 10:26 PM

    omfg. this is so perfect. I read an article about the proper methods for “flirtexting” in an issue of Seventeen in a waiting room and it also went into ridiculous detail about what was Appropriate like this. I think it even discussed punctuation- after all, too many exclamation points make you look insane, but none could make you look uninterested… WHAT TO DO?? it was dead serious about all this.

  • marit February 16th, 2012 10:27 PM

    i seriously need this, thank goodness for rookie!

    faux style.

    • marit February 16th, 2012 10:29 PM

      and the Hey Tail comment is spot on! i love this article:)

  • Flower February 16th, 2012 10:46 PM

    What if you can’t text your crush because they died in 2003?

  • Toria Crux February 16th, 2012 10:53 PM

    Omfg this is hilarious!

  • unefillecommetoi February 16th, 2012 11:47 PM

    lol the worst part is i’ve actually stressed about those things in real life
    but now i’ll sacrifice squirrels instead :)

  • fishintheC February 16th, 2012 11:54 PM

    I think I legitimately sent a text like the last panel not too long ago………not the best move

  • Chloe Elizabeth February 17th, 2012 12:06 AM

    I cannot STAND boring texters! If I get a “nm u?” in response to a text, I will not respond… ever. At least spell out YOU, for God’s sake, its two extra letters!

    http://othersuchshenanigans.blogspot.com/

  • Adrienne February 17th, 2012 12:16 AM

    Dang. This is soo helpful!! Thanks Jamie.

    http://theaverageasiangirl.blogspot.com

  • ewesjustfluffy February 17th, 2012 12:56 AM

    I find un-ironic emoticons irksome. Anyone with me :-?

  • Susann February 17th, 2012 1:39 AM

    Absolutely hilarious!

    http://fashioninpepperland.blogspot.com

  • LittleMoon February 17th, 2012 1:47 AM

    “Sacrifice a squirrel on your kitchen counter and drink its blood for strength.”
    I’ll remember this next time I have a crush to text.

  • Besu February 17th, 2012 4:05 AM

    Haha this is hilarious!
    http://bethandbesu.wordpress.com

  • Milkyway February 17th, 2012 8:24 AM

    That was a good one but I have to say one thing. I didn’t like the following: “Letting your crush know the real you is the fastest way to make sure they’ll find you disgusting”. Are you trying to tell me I’m disgusting? I know he’ll like you for who you really are. In my school, me and my friends, we are natural and we’re not pretending to be anybody else. AND there are nice boys who like us.

    • Jamie February 17th, 2012 5:59 PM

      hah the article is a joke! of course you are not disgusting!

      • Milkyway February 19th, 2012 5:45 AM

        Haha thank you :P I kind of understood that yeah.

  • jess February 17th, 2012 11:50 AM

    How much I can relate to this should worry me… Loved it, though! literally lol’d at every point!

  • Runaway February 17th, 2012 12:52 PM

    I might sound like a jerk…but I haven’t actually gotten too much of this thing so far…I always behave like my normal self! Maybe because my mind always refuses to believe that the other person could have any real interest in me, apart from just being friends. I’d say that, as weird as it may sound, insecurity has helped me a lot in this respect. xD

    • roserach February 29th, 2012 6:20 PM

      Runaway, they were completely joking about not being yourself. This whole article was!!

  • insteadofanelephant February 17th, 2012 1:49 PM

    hahaha this was hilarious. totally guilty of doing this from time to time in my youth. now i straight don’t give a crap, i say what i want when i want, fools!

    XX
    instead of an elephant

  • hahabonniee February 17th, 2012 2:33 PM

    i started out reading this thinking it was serious. lol oops

  • marymoose February 17th, 2012 2:43 PM

    i thought this was pretty adorable, but judging by a few of these comments, maybe you need to make that “satire” tag a little bigger & bolder?

  • isabellehungryghost February 17th, 2012 4:23 PM

    this is too funny! LOL

    http://blogbyisabelle.blogspot.com/

  • andy February 17th, 2012 5:17 PM

    moms always use more than enough punctuation in texts and it’s so weird because EVERY mom does it. example: “Hey.,”

  • Claudia February 17th, 2012 5:36 PM

    hahaha so funny! the squirrel part was the best and the “WHY DON’T YOU LIKE ME hey” was so awesome

  • SweetThangVintage February 17th, 2012 7:47 PM

    Is it bad that I didn’t realize this was a joke until about half way through? XD This is great!

  • Meche February 18th, 2012 1:42 PM

    it would be fun to see this from a guy perspective, I highly doubt they are much different.

    Sacrifice a squirrel on your kitchen counter and drink its blood for strength.

    best line ever <3

    http://tienefafafa.tumblr.com/

  • FishBowTies February 18th, 2012 8:10 PM

    heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyOMGIHAVEACRUSHONYOUyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

    …amazing(;

  • Elleeen February 19th, 2012 5:59 AM

    What a lovely article! I do really think I should be like that. Do-not text him first. I always do that, but in the other days, even for a long time, he texts me just like asking for something about homework or other stuffs. Kind of possible tips! :D

    Love.

  • shesohipster February 19th, 2012 8:30 PM

    your articles are great. you should do one on GIRL CODE. because some girls in particular like to put guys over there bestfriends -.-

  • Ellie February 20th, 2012 3:48 PM

    So…um…do you think maybe a un-jokey post could be made about texting crushes…? Possibly?
    I did love this though! <3

  • loonylizzy February 20th, 2012 6:50 PM

    i’m laughing so hard right nowww XDDD this was great~

    http://the-chronicles-of-that-girl.blogspot.com/

  • cawlie February 21st, 2012 11:06 PM

    This is the best thing I have ever read, ever. I just laughed my ass off at myself. This is scary accurate to crazy chicks… like most of us.

  • roserach February 29th, 2012 6:24 PM

    I loved this. I just sent it to one of my friends who is obsessive about texting crushes. My crush is friends with me. I’m always reminding myself that I’m his friend first and his crush second. So I don’t obsess over his texts!!!

  • Dagmara March 13th, 2012 4:58 PM

    This article is too hilarious! Seriously so relevant! The other day I was venting to my friend about “how I should text a guy I like,” as if there should be some kind of rules or something. It’s so silly how technology is supposed to make communication easier, yet here we are over analyzing every single text message!