There are so many reasons that I love JWoww, the scrappy, Amazonian roommate on MTV’s Jersey Shore. Here are some of them.
1. She is maternal. Any time some ill befalls one of her roommates, especially if it’s Snooki, JWoww just wraps them up in those muscle-bound arms and gently pats their hair and says reassuring things like “Do you want to go tanning?” And if anyone threatens any of her friends/brood, she will STEP TO THEM with a quickness. That’s because:
2. She is badass. I don’t condone physical violence, but I have to admit there is something thrilling about watching JWoww spring into action and attack like a freaking cheetah when Sammi talks shit about Snooki. Doesn’t it suddenly sound like I’m talking about cartoon characters? Like I’m carefully analyzing a season of Scooby-Doo? There is, of course, a correct argument to be made that the JS cast ARE cartoon characters; today, however, we are just talking about my REAL-LIFE crush on Ms. Jenni Farley.
3. She’s a feminist. Yes! She doesn’t call herself one, which is frustrating to me because how is she gonna be my best friend until she does, but she DOES say that she’s in favor of “strong women,” and she can’t stand to see a woman take shit from a man (that includes her—remember when Roger, her boyfriend, didn’t call her for a couple of days and she was like, “I know where I stand, and he can go fuck himself”?). And even though she hated Angelina (who didn’t?—worst person) she defended her against the guys in the house—she said she did it “as a woman.” Jenni, you are totally a feminist! ACCEPT.
4. She’s a really good friend. She’ll force a pharmacy in Italy to sell her friend a pregnancy test after hours; she’ll drive a friend to the clinic to take care of a UTI; and, most impressive of all, she will HUNT A GUY DOWN BAREFOOT through the streets of Florence to order him to just come talk to a heartbroken friend.
But I worry that no one takes care of JWoww the way she takes care of everyone else. I hope Roger is doing this for her. (Roger, if you’re reading this, as I’m sure you are, please take heed.)
5. She’s a really good girlfriend. When Roger comes to Jersey to visit, she answers the door in this outfit, just to make him smile (you will be shocked to learn that this totally works):
Who dresses like that?! My pal JWoww, that’s who. Though it may not be CLASSY or CHIC, she looks awesome, and I wish I had half her body confidence, you know?
6. She is so pretty, you guys. This is not, of course, a reason to like or look up to someone, but it is a reason to want to stare at this face all day long:
(Yes, I have heard the rumors that she recently changed that face surgically—please don’t disturb my total denial on this subject.)
7. When I need to be brave I think of Angelina Jolie and JWoww and channel their FEROCITY. It helps!
8. Her website has a whole page devoted to PETS.
9. She has this gravelly voice that sounds tough but wounded and her eyes always look on the verge of tears but she’s quick with a laugh and she’s funny, too, and she’s so STRONG that it seems like she could carry the whole entire world on her shoulders and you (I) would feel so safe with her by your (my) side forever and ever, and hey Jennifer I am here, waiting for our beautiful friendship to get started, already. ♦