Being a part of the Rookie gang is really great. Yes, it IS like a never-ending internet slumber party, but today it’s extra awesome because I get to talk about my life with Justin Timberlake.
Now when I say “my life with Justin Timberlake,” don’t think I’m some sort of SUPER STALKER or anything. JT and I have never actually met. But we have a history. I can’t help that we are old friends.
It all started when I saw him croon Jodeci’s “Cry for You” on The All-New Mickey Mouse Club with my other boyfriend Ryan Gosling.
At the time, I thought he was going to be just another notch on my belt o’ crushes, next to Luke Perry, Jonathan Brandis, the oldest brother from 3 Ninjas, and countless other hunks. I forgot about him until years later, when I saw him singing on an episode of Ricki Lake with his new boy band, ’N Sync.
Once I laid my hungry eyes on Justin’s rhythmic white-boy dance moves, I knew I was a goner. Cartoon hearts began to shoot from MY EYES! There was a part in their routine where they lined up and did some sort of synchronized homoerotic pelvic thrust (around 1:01 in the video above) that I naturally rewinded five times (yes I recorded it on my VCR). Sigh. I was just a horny teen with horny feelings.
Recently, after confessing to my best friend about the weeklong Friends With Benefits marathon I had where I watched the movie every single night, I realized that Justin is my most successful celebrity crush. We have been through a lot together, such as:
Bad hairdos. They used to call me “Sonic,” as in Sonic the Hedgehog, because of the stiff, spiky short hairdo I had, but I could NEVA do the cornrows, Justin! (My scalp is way too sensitive.)
Embarrassing fashion choices. I like to break the rules of fashion and also enjoy a Texas tuxedo from time to time, but this one was OUTTA CONTROL, MY MAN!
We are polymathic individuals. Like a true Renaissance man, Justin is an actor, musician, philanthropist, businessman, avid golfer, and stoner. I’m taking a tap-dance class and will be getting my forklift license. Hello? We belong together.
We have both dated some crazies. I know…who hasn’t? BUT I have a related anecdote. Once when I saw Justin Timberlake in concert in Las Vegas, I came back to my hotel room to find that my boyfriend at the time had left me ELEVEN messages breaking up with me (apparently he’d dropped some acid and decided it was a good time to end our relationship while I was out of town). And who was there to console me? MISTER JT. In poster form, but I’ll take what I can get.
What will the future hold for JT and Rie Rie, you ask? I’m pretty sure next on the agenda is when we open up a dance camp for kids together. He teaches a hip-hop class and I’m his lovable sidekick dance instructor; at the end-of-year recital, we find out the school is in danger of being shut down by some evil dudes in suits. The only way to save the school is if Justin and I perform a Jamaican dancehall routine. (Luckily for everyone, we had been secretly choreographing one just for fun.) All kinds of shenanigans happen, including both of my contact lenses popping out of my eyes, but by the end of the last booty shake JT realizes he’s totally in love with me and we DEEP FRENCH even though I can’t see shit. The end.
P.S. Write to me in about 10 years if the celebrity hunk you’re crushing over stands the test of time. Justin and I wish you luck. ♦