Dear Diary

February 29, 2012

An emotional roller coaster!


Crush Boy just left for a five-week American tour with his band. They kicked off the tour in San Francisco, and CB snuck me and my dearest buddy, Sara, into the show, then afterward me and the dudes cruised around in their van, in search of the last open taqueria.

After a couple of previous hang times, I felt totally comfortable around CB’s band mates—it was easy and fun, and they seemed to accept me. They even insisted on buying me a taco. Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but that made me feel like I must be at least someone important to CB, for his buddies to make an effort with me.

They all came back to my place to crash for their last night in town. As we crossed the bridge to Oakland, they were all excited about how they were already OFFICIALLY ON TOUR, and I knew that part of CB’s mind was already on the road. But we had a really pleasant night, just horsing around and being stupid, as I like to do. I was happy and wrestling and a little drunk, nowhere near tired until he fell asleep hugging me.

In the morning I woke to the sound of his band mate playing guitar in the living room, and I got up to have some tea with him. An hour later CB was still asleep, so I climbed back into bed but couldn’t fall asleep. I picked up the book I’ve been reading—Patti Smith’s Just Kids. Every single person I know has been talking about this book since it came out two years ago, but I’m glad I waited this long to read it. It’s the right moment in my life for it. The library book is full of dog-eared pages, marking passages of transcendent beauty and psychic relatability, like this one, which I read while lying by Crush Boy’s sleeping side:

I was hopeful he would be my boyfriend, but as it turned out, that was an improbable expectation. I would never serve as the source of his inspiration, though in attempting to articulate the drama of my feelings I became more prolific and I believe a better writer.

Jim and I had some very sweet times. I’m sure there were downs as well, but my memories are served with nostalgia and humor. Ours were ragtag days and nights, as quixotic as Keats and as rude as the lice we both came to suffer, each certain they originated from the other as we underwent a tedious regimen of Kwell lice shampooing in any one of the unmanned Chelsea Hotel bathrooms.

He was unreliable, evasive, and sometimes too stoned to speak, but he was also kind, ingenuous, and a true poet. I knew he didn’t love me but I adored him anyway. Eventually he just drifted away, leaving me a long lock of his red-gold hair.

I sighed and shifted toward CB, and examined his sleeping head. I touched his long, tangled, golden hair with the back of my hand, noticing the red tones woven through.

Who knows what’ll happen next; I’m not sure either of us knows what we want from the other past today. But I do know that on that last morning, I was happy for him to go, and so sad to see him leave. ♦


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  • Fortune_Goddess February 29th, 2012 7:06 PM

    Katherine… All I have been doing in the past week is google pictures of a young Leonardo DiCaprio… HURRAY FOR RAISINS!!!! Though I don’t actually like them that much…

  • moonchild February 29th, 2012 7:11 PM

    ug. Ruby. I know the FEELING man. (woman.) We don’t have school dances, but in seventh grade, the year everyone is thirteen, bat/bar mitsvahs are a BIG deal. And most of the parties are just like you described, with a lot of “THIS PLACE IS BOUT TO BLOW WOH OH OH OH OH OH OHHHHHH”s and “PARTY ROCKERS IN THE HOOOOUUUUUUUSEEEEEEEE TONIGHT” and everyone jumping up and down in their little circles and *shudder* grinding and wearing mini skirts and GOD PEOPLE YOU’RE THIRTEEN FOR GODS SAKE.

    And then most of them give out sweatshirts, and then the next day it’s like, *oh, who’s wearing so-and-so’s sweatshirt, who got invited, how many sweatshirts do you have* and it’s like this big group sport.

    And that’s not to say I’m against Bar/Bat Mitzvahs of course! All of my cousins had them and they were really fun and there was no UNCE UNCE and there doesn’t have to be.



    • Hayley March 5th, 2012 2:21 PM

      omg we have this dumb disco thing for like 13 year olds and you can get a ticket and go and its basically just that. I got dragged there one by friends and spent the entire time begging to sit on the sinks in the bathroom it was horrible.

  • sissi February 29th, 2012 7:13 PM

    ruby. not to diss on your friends. but your the best dressed one there. keep up the awesomeness.

  • MissKnowItAll February 29th, 2012 7:16 PM

    Dylan- I know how you feel. Except I didn’t see my crush for 4 years…
    Katherine- I i was a cookie, I’d want to be a snickerdoodle.
    Ruby- Aghhhhh, broken expectations.
    I remember my first dance. It was in the 7th grade and I showed up wearing this great satin skirt and mohair sweater and everyone else was wearing booty shorts and mini skirts. I tried to get the DJ to play The Stones but nobody even knew who they where. And when I finally got my friend to dance, all they wanted to do was grind. However my freshman dance was a lot better.
    PS- I love your dress Ruby!

  • babypink February 29th, 2012 7:17 PM

    Ruby- aaaaggggggrrrreeeeeeeeed. You are my twin. I mean really?? Mini skirts and shorts in the middle of Winter? Your summary of the music was spot on. What ever happened to swaying to the music and ? (BTW. The director of this film is having way too much fun).

  • hellorose February 29th, 2012 7:26 PM

    ruby, i’m sorry your school dance kind of sucked, and you felt at odds with the vibe. that is bound to happen sometimes though. i understand that it feels frustrating and sort of like a scab that itches when you’ve had a night that you had high expectations for (whether you’ll admit it or not) ends up being a mess. chalk it up to experience.
    i’m 22 and i went to a party last weekend where the highlight of the night was going to the shop and buying bubblegum. the party kind of sucked, but actually it’s pretty funny how crap it turned out, though at the time i felt kind of let down.

    as for the neighbour wanting to ask you out – just try to learn from what happens next. i wish i had learnt how to reject someone kindly and without hurting their feelings a LOT earlier than i did, because i screwed over several boys before realising that all i needed to do was be certain of my own feelings and, if need be, calmly tell them no, i’d much rather be friends.

    also, and i know you must want to punch all the people who say this, but it’s not the end of the world. luckily or unluckily there will be many more school dances and many more boys wanting to ask you out.

    and for the record i think your dress is amazing. you look great.

  • Marguerite February 29th, 2012 7:32 PM


  • Juniper February 29th, 2012 7:48 PM

    Ruby- My first dance in 7th grade, me and my friend Cassie got in the middle of the highschooler’s dance circle and started break dancing! We won the dance contest!
    I think school dances are kinda over-rated though….
    Naomi- Hang in there!

  • Skatapus February 29th, 2012 7:49 PM

    Ruby, rejecting a dude doesn’t have to mean awkwardness forever! Just give him some time to chill out about it afterwards/give him some space for a while if he wants that. Whatever made you friends in the first place is still going to be there, so there’s no reason that you can’t eventually go back to the good ol’ friend zone. :)

  • Skatapus February 29th, 2012 7:50 PM

    Also, Minna’s art this week is beautiful and also exactly how I am feeling.

  • jessejames February 29th, 2012 7:54 PM

    Naomi, I know exactly what you mean with the whole anonymous taking walks thing, like you could be anyone. Sometimes I feel like I’m more interesting before you talk to me; like my interesting appearance misleads people into thinking I will actually be interesting. It’s not that I’m not…. I’m just awkward, especially at first impressions.

  • queserasera February 29th, 2012 8:00 PM

    awww ruby
    jr high = general air of awkwardness
    don’t worry this too shall pass

  • Marisa February 29th, 2012 8:55 PM

    all I do is watch parks and rec, skins, and rupauls drag race too WOAH!
    I absolutely love it and I cant wait to here your thoughts on the fourth season!! (btw you can get them all on
    Also, drag queens are like my biggest inspirations and some people think thats strange but they have such love and devotion to what they do and they respect each other (even through the reading!) and they’re the definition of confidence on a runway. and they’re gorgeous
    okay babble over :)

  • Johanna February 29th, 2012 9:01 PM

    Ruby, that dress is so pretty! I can’t believe people weren’t showering you with compliments on it! but i guess thats how most people are when someone stands out. they try to put you into groups like emo or scene. its quite silly, actually.

  • superkat February 29th, 2012 9:03 PM

    dear naomi,
    that’s exactly how i feel, now i know i’m not alone anymore..
    thank you!

    • ferrris March 1st, 2012 9:06 PM

      Me too Naomi and Superkat, me too. It was so nice to read this, I don’t feel as alone. I like weird things because I feel weird too, strange ‘quirky’ things because I feel comfortable with them more than ‘ordinary’ stuff. I’m not out every night getting drunk, sleeping with different people each week/month/whatever, I’m interesting and my interests are no illusion. I’m happy with what I have and I’m trying not to compare myself with others. My life isn’t like theirs socially and definitely not privately. Theres more of us out there than we think.

  • Starboardd February 29th, 2012 9:05 PM

    @Ruby: Break-ups don’t have to be awkward (although I am the QUEEN of awkward break-ups, I have managed to stay really good friends with at least one ex, and it’s nice because they end up knowing you better than anyone). You gotta date a lot of people before you can really know what you want from a relationship so I think the awkwardness to an extent (even though it sucksssssss) is totally worth it at some point.

  • Adrienne February 29th, 2012 9:32 PM

    Ruby: Yeah middle school dances are pretty much the worse thing ever. Grinding, sweat, guhhh… I shudder. But don’t worry, one more year to high school! I prefer high school over middle school. People are a little (emphasis on the little) bit more mature.

  • chickencaseydilla February 29th, 2012 9:32 PM

    i love reading your journals! you seem like a person i would totally get a long with and the passage from that book totally got me. san franciscans for lyyyfe! xx

  • Kathryn February 29th, 2012 9:39 PM

    Katherine – this secretly was my desktop background last week.

  • carlyj February 29th, 2012 10:11 PM

    Katherine- I LOVE RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE. I know EXACTLY what you mean about loving it and why. I also wanted Raja to win:) I like that they don’t really fight (no knock-down, drag-outs- although how deliciously punny would THAT be??), like on other reality shows. It’s nice to see it be about the competition and not trying to get more air-time.

  • roserach February 29th, 2012 10:21 PM

    Ruby- my first dance is in a few weeks and I’ve been stressing out about it for the same reasons you discribed of regretting going to yours. All my friends are getting (trying to get) dates, and I’m the only one that doesn’t want one. Hopefully my experience is better then yours was!!! Loved your dress by the way!

  • Fanfanfarlo February 29th, 2012 10:57 PM

    Ruby, oh God I have done the same thing at dances. I’m always over dressed, wearing my hair strange and deciding to nude out my lips or something, and then requesting songs no one else will dance to. Even at my own sweet 16, I had to fight with the DJ. Who won.

    I would have happily danced to the Pixies with you.

  • fizzingwhizbees February 29th, 2012 11:04 PM

    EEEEEE RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE!!! I was a huge Raja fan as well, but this season is even better. Sharon Needles for the win!

  • erin February 29th, 2012 11:17 PM

    Middle school life is hard, Ruby. It’s filled with all sorts of awkward nuances such as these, and I feel for you. When I was in eighth grade, I got set up with this guy I sat next to in History… and it was very much awkward. But never fear! One day you will be able to laugh about it all! Which doesn’t sound cheesy at all, I know.

  • LittleMissE February 29th, 2012 11:53 PM

    Ergh, Ruby, your experience sounds extremely similar to what the dances are like at my school. They’re called “canteens” and no one really dresses up and the music is awful. Everyone’s into all the stupid new dance moves (like the Dougie – I mean, seriously: what the hell is a dougie?). It is very dull and there is lots of screaming.

  • taste test March 1st, 2012 12:07 AM

    Naomi, your diary entry this week is perfect and gorgeously written. I feel similarly about going to college this year- holy shit, it’s this year. I hope your new school works out for you like you want.

  • Mags March 1st, 2012 12:29 AM

    Naomi, I feel you so hard. Just know that somewhere out there in the world, someone knows exactly how you feel. *virtual internet hugs*

  • ivoire March 1st, 2012 12:36 AM

    ruby i can relate to EVERYTHING YOU FREAKINNG WRITE. today some girls even looked at me weird because MY COLLAR WAS BUTTONED UP TO THE TOP. well i thought i looked awesome so screw them

  • aribeary March 1st, 2012 1:15 AM

    Agh Naomi! I want to be your friend so badly! You sound just like me, I have all the same anxiety issues. I’m also gonna be going to college soon and I am so frightened!

  • katydid March 1st, 2012 1:20 AM

    Raja is the woooorld. I’ve been rewatching all the episodes on Netflix too, as well as the current season. Loving Latrice Royale this season!

    My only regret in life is that I can never be a drag queen. I’ll just watch them while laying in my bed and eating cookies.

  • Tyknos93 March 1st, 2012 1:36 AM

    @Ruby it’s lame to admit this but I was excited as hell for my Senior prom last year! Really.
    I wanted a special made dress and to dye my hair and lose a little weight and everything(of course NONE of this happened). This all in spite of the fact that I dressed like a 90′s rapper for most of high school.
    Prom was rad. This girl couldn’t walk in her heels and ended up stepping on her train and doing a front flip. All the snotty kids came drunk/high and couldn’t hold their liquor at all. One of my good friends who I kinda had a crush on senior year let me wear his luchador mask and we goofed off the whole night. And the guy who broke my heart coldn’t stop staring the whole night. I danced with my two best girlfriends during the slow jam. And there were like three pregnant chicks OWNING the dance floor and looking fab. It wasn’t like Pretty in Pink by far, but it’s nice to dork it up with your friends, in nice clothes no less!

  • Narita March 1st, 2012 3:10 AM

    Hey Ruby, I once went to a school dance as well. ONCE.

    It was in sevent grade, which is freshman year in the Netherlands because our school system sucks. There was something weird called Art Week Prom and I went because, yk, it’s art week so it sounded all good. Let’s keep this short… I end up being beated up by seniors because I seemingly ‘betrayed them’. Well, sorry that I went to the head when you told me you were going to kill me/threw energy drink over my head/locked me up in the toilets. I am sorry, from all the depths of my heart!

  • sedgwick March 1st, 2012 3:14 AM

    I think it’s fine if 8th graders don’t like the pixies or worry about being into cool things and get into that nostalgia stuff. usually i wouldn’t expect that age group to. they might want to get the most out of their childhood before it’s finished, including the awkward grinding phase. i can safely everyone thinks in retrospect that they were giant freaks when they were in their early teens no matter what.

  • Amy Rose March 1st, 2012 3:22 AM

    I love you, me beautiful Rubes.

  • Killjoy March 1st, 2012 3:33 AM

    Stay strong Naomi

  • Cosmo Beatrix March 1st, 2012 5:55 AM

    Yous’ guesses’ diary entries are the highlight of my week!

    Dylan you are literally so cool, in your art student apartment with a touring band practising in your lounge in the morning whilst you’re in bed with a sleeping rockstar reading Patti Smith- Just Kids. THAT IS JUST SO COOOOOL

    And Ruby i have some girl jelousy for you… your dress and docs, the fact you wore it to prom how you have such a balance and maturity/teeness.. uuuhdvfkbhjbvfb

  • caro nation March 1st, 2012 6:02 AM

    Dylan, you ruined my mental image of CB, he was always a brunette.

    Ruby, we’re (I think) very close in age, and the emo/scene question arises in conversation in my (quasi-small town) more than I’d like it to. But not as often as the blatant, and hackneyed, STATEMENT of “You’re a hipster.” It degrades your sense of identity, no? And since music is my… niche, when I went to a dance, I found many of the songs I liked at the time weren’t even on iTunes, and so the DJ was all “YOU’RE MAKING THESE UP.”

    Katharine and (Naomi, too), I’m glad that you both seem to have at least ACKNOWLEDGED my compulsion to read, watch, and listen to everything and my obsession with knowing everything.

    • caro nation March 1st, 2012 6:04 AM

      Granted, music being my “niche” makes no sense.

    • Dylan March 1st, 2012 3:39 PM

      Yeah, Anaheed imagined him as Josh Hartnett in Virgin Suicides. You are not alone!

      • Cosmo Beatrix March 1st, 2012 5:24 PM

        me too !
        like perminant james dean eye brow thing with long ‘hands ran through’ hair – oooh yeah .
        maaaaaay i ask what his band is called?

  • moonflower March 1st, 2012 12:04 PM

    It’s so good to be able to read these, I feel human again. The boy I really like tried to make with my best friend lately, he made out he really liked him, I never really trusted him, then I soon as I started to, I found this out. I’m so jelous of this girl. Its good to know we can all share our feelings on here, sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed to have feelings..

    • moonflower March 1st, 2012 12:04 PM

      *he made out he really liked me

  • phiely March 1st, 2012 12:06 PM

    Naomi, this is exactly how I feel sometimes. Thanks so much, you really made my day – such a beautifully written text!

  • Anna March 2nd, 2012 1:38 PM

    Omg your dress is amazing!

  • Bren March 2nd, 2012 11:17 PM

    Dances get so overhyped.
    I went to Prom as a sophomore and it was OKAY? And I had decided not to go as a senior because been there, done that, and it just wasn’t worth it in my opinion. And my friends pressured me to go and I eventually gave and in. And it just wasn’t fun for me, I felt so uncomfortable. I have no “memories” or anything, it was just one of those events in high school that didn’t fit in with the things I liked. I don’t think dances are lame, I just feel if it’s not your thing, it’s not your thing.

  • Kaleidoscopeeyes March 2nd, 2012 11:53 PM

    I think you look awesome Ruby! Don’t let anyone define you!

  • Ellie March 3rd, 2012 7:54 PM

    Ruby, at least you looks ABSOLUTELY AMAZINGLY AWESOME and now you can show that picture to you great-children and go, “Yeah, that marvelously stylish chick is actually MEEEEEEEEEEE.”
    And yeeeeeees, great guy friends asking out-ness can be kind of awful. Best wishes to you.

  • Hayley March 5th, 2012 2:41 PM

    Ruby your dress is totally amazing and the best out of that picture, and I totally hate school parties/dances.

  • Asta Katinka March 5th, 2012 3:43 PM

    Ruby – Oh wow, that sounds horrible, the music thing. Something similar once happened to me in school. We were at recess and I was hanging out with my friends (sort of friends) and it was my turn to pick the music so I put on Nirvana’s “Lithium”. Which is like one of their best songs, perhaps with the exception of “In Bloom”. And perhaps “Smells Like Teen Spirit”.
    Anyway, my so-called “friends” just started laughing at it! LAUGHING at Nirvana. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU LAUGH AT NIRVANA, AT KURT LEGEND COBAIN?! I just got so pissed off, pissed off at these ignorant girls, pissed off at our useless generation and pissed off at the world for sucking so bad. Sorry. Gloomy comment.

    Your dress looks beautiful! Where do you get these old pieces? Trough the internet or thrift stores or other places?

    • Sublime X. May 13th, 2012 12:59 PM

      Know how ya feel, Ruby. I swear to god, I can’t go to school dances without my ears beginning to bleed from that shitty music.
      But the Pixies are awesome!!! Stupid kids these days with their dubstep and their autotune.
      Cute dress, by the way. And nice Docs. Although the dress did look kind of uncomfortable.
      Good luck with your future endeavors that hopefully don’t involve shitty music and unavoidable situations!!!

    • Sublime X. May 13th, 2012 1:01 PM

      Nirvana is so fucking awesome. SO FUCKING AWESOME. We should rebel, start doing nationwide dances for people who like older music.