There’s a lot that my Crush Boy doesn’t know about me, and I’m starting to get anxious about it. I tried something new when I started hanging out with him. As you may have noticed by now, I love to tell anyone who will lend an ear EVERYTHING about my life ALL THE TIME, but with him, I put that habit aside. I wanted to be quiet and let him discover my world instead of me just telling him about it. The details of life would follow the more we got to know each other.
That was a nice thought and all, but lately, I think it’s coming back to bite me in the ass. I feel like he knows nothing about me. Here’s a shitty thought that’s been floating around in my head: is he chill with having me around his friends? Does he think that I can’t keep up? The other night, we were texting when I was at a show with a band that he’s buddies with. I was stoked to be at that show—about four beers stoked—but was disappointed that he didn’t make it out. I was thinking about how he and I met at a house party, yet ever since, we’ve just hung out solo, mostly at home. I texted him, “Isn’t it weird that we haven’t really partied together?” I think of every other boy that’s been important in my tiny world, whether it turned into something or not, and it’s always been through parties or going to shows or the like. Those relationships existed in the public nighttime world, but with this Crush Boy, our relationship lives in my bedroom. It makes me nervous: maybe “we” don’t even exist at all outside of my room. Maybe it’s not a part of outside reality.
I’m no stranger to worlds like his, but I feel like he assumes otherwise. He texted me back, saying, “We don’t party the same way. What do you mean by party?” I’ll be honest, he’s definitely more into drugs than I ever plan to be. I’m comfortable with that fact, because that’s nothing new to me or the people I hang around with. It’s so frustrating because I’m like, You’re not the first kid I know in a rock & roll band. I know how it works with dudes who are on the road for half of the year. I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING! As I rummaged for an appropriate response, I asked my friend, “How do I say, ‘Bitch, you don’t know me’ without, you know, sounding insane?” After being unable to come up with an appropriate answer, I dropped it and just didn’t text back.
I wondered if I was even still into him.
A thought even came into my head: I can’t have boys stick around for more than a certain amount of time before I lose interest, but…WHAT THE HELL?! With this one? No way. Previous dudes I knew had an expiration date because they were just all right. But Crush Boy is a little bit more than just all right. He kind of rules. And you know what? I fucking rule, too! I just feel like I haven’t really introduced myself to him yet. ♦