Illustration by Kelly


I am pretty sure a bag of kettle corn or two is just what I need. I’ll get three. Because today I am going to be kind to myself. That is what the books say I should do and so that is what I will do. I will start by treating myself to whatever I want. Here I come, fancy cheese. I am sure that the most expensive cheese in the store is exactly what I need. I am pretty sure that if I pair this cheese with this olive bread, this will be the ticket. I bet some figs will go well with this, too, and some honey. I will need a few bottles of this blackberry grape drink too. Also, cookies.

But what if it’s these bath puffs that would make me feel better? These bath puffs are on special for a dollar. I bet this whole Jacuzzi-sized bin of bath puffs would be just what I need. But this Longhorn section interests me, too. If I started collecting Longhorn stuff, shot glasses and travel mugs and foam horns and pens and plush football rope toys, I would feel full of heart. If only I felt less indifferent to Longhorns, or if I were from Texas, or into football, or any kind of sports, or if their team color were a deep midnight blue, or if there were a Ryan Gosling section, if I could get a Ryan Gosling trucker hat or snuggie or baby bib, then, surely, things might work out for me.

There is a jewelry store within the store, I see, and I could imagine that jewels might make me feel a way that I’d prefer, but these don’t really appeal to me. It seems like they don’t appeal to anyone. There is no one at the grocery-store jewelry store, which saddens me for the jewelry-store man and, though I could go and clean out his jewelry store because I have given myself that permission today, sadness is to be avoided.

Probably if I swept down this whole aisle of vitamins—just cleared the shelf off right into my cart—that would work. Or if I went down the office-supply aisle. I love office supplies. Office supplies always make me feel better. Or what if I bought all of the gift cards in the store, a thousand of them, and gave them to all of my Facebook friends? Giving always makes me feel good. Or what if I went and ordered a cake the size of my living room? That would surely be great. A giant cake and all of the flowers in the flower section. And balloons. All the balloons. And all of the patio furniture, plus all of these giant metal roosters. Actually, they might not have enough metal roosters here. I only see about twenty, and some of them are small. I’ll have to order more roosters from other stores. Because I’ll bet, if I could get enough of these roosters to cover the whole front yard, nothing unwanted would ever get in.