DJ: My great-grandma always used to say you have to look a certain way even if you’re taking out the trash. So when I’m in my house I’ll have my hair up looking crazy, but as soon as my mom’s like, “You have to take out the garbage,” my hair has to come down, I have to go put on mascara, I have to put on proper pants. They cannot see me looking ridiculous. At all.

[At this point Anaheed catches a glance at Monet’s makeup bag, which is ENORMOUS.]

ANAHEED: You carry your whole makeup bag around with you?

MONET: Of course!

ANAHEED: Can I feel how heavy it is? This is really heavy. It’s gotta be…

AMY ROSE: I really want to take a picture inside of it. Oh my god, you do have a lot.

Amy Rose snuck this blurry picture of Monet going through her EPIC makeup bag.

MONET: [Taking things out of the bag] I mean, I have scrunchies, just in case, Bare Minerals, I’ve got my brushes, this is eyeliner, lip gloss, lip liner, more Bare Minerals, Sephora, Revlon…

[Stuff keeps coming out of this bag endlessly. It’s a bottomless pit of makeup!]

AMY ROSE: Oh my god.

MONET: …here’s blush…

AMY ROSE: You’ve got the Argan oil…

MONET: …my lipstick…

ANAHEED: Josie Maran stuff…

MONET: …mascara…

AMY ROSE: I just got that mascara!

ANAHEED: Is it good?


ANAHEED: [Reading tube] The mascara is Maybelline’s Volum’ Express: the Falsies.

MONET: …another brush. Yo, these brushes ain’t cheap, either.

ANAHEED: How many lipsticks are in there? [Pulling them out one by one] One, two, three, four, five, six, seven! Seven lipsticks that she just carries with her all the time.

MONET: There’s this makeup line, it’s called KA’OIR by Keisha Dior. I like bright colors, and they have different shades of lipstick like yellow, green, blue… Wait a minute, hold on, I have a question. [To Amy Rose] Where do you get your eyelashes done?

AMY ROSE: I do them myself.

MONET: [Literally GASPS] What?? I need to learn that!

AMY ROSE: Dude, check this out. In my coat pocket I keep my eyelashes sometimes. Is that insane? [Pulls her false-eyelash SYSTEM out of her coat pocket and shows everybody] They’re individual, so you put them on one by one, with a tweezer. It’s super easy.

SHARAINE: I’m scared to put them on, because I’m not sure how I’m going to look with it.

AMY ROSE: Everybody looks good with it. Seriously. It’s like impossible to look bad with it.


ANAHEED: Do you guys hang out together a lot?

MONET: We could not see each other, speak to each other, for a whole year, but I know that once we reconnect, it’s gonna be a fun time. I know these two ain’t going nowhere.

SHARAINE: I’ve put too much money into this relationship to see it go anywhere.

MONET: No no no no no no no no. Listen, listen, listen.

SHARAINE: I used to always be the breadwinner in this relationship.

MONET: No no no no no, hold on, hold on.

DJ: I’m not involved in this conversation. I’m just gonna look the other way.

MONET: She acts like I’ve never spent a dime on her.

AMY ROSE: Did she buy you all that makeup?

MONET: No! I did.

DJ: It’s a weird relationship. You do not want to get in the middle of an argument between them.

MONET: It’s like we’re married.

DJ: It’s so weird. It creeps me out! Like I remember one time they had a falling out, and then I get on Facebook, and Sharaine’s like, “Why is it that the people who are closest to you hurt you the most?” I’m like, “You’re acting like you broke up with your boyfriend.”

MONET: Long story short, we were supposed to hang out, but then I went to go hang out with my honey. I was wrong; I admitted it. We got past it.

SHARAINE: [DJ] was like, “Are you having sex with her? I don’t understand why you guys are getting into this argument.”

DJ: These are the questions. I have to know these things. Because you’re on Facebook like you’re dying, like, “My god, she hurt me so bad!” And I’m like, “Did you just lose your boyfriend?”

SHARAINE: Listen, I went a year without my boyfriend. So if I can go a year without a boyfriend and still have a best friend…even if I get a boyfriend, [Monet] better be there.

DJ: [Sharaine] disappears out of nowhere. Like the other week, I’m calling her all week. I look on Facebook the next day, and she’s liking people’s pictures. I write a comment, she deletes it. I’m like, Oh my god, I’m going to kill this girl.

ANAHEED: Sharaine, what do you have to say in your defense?

SHARAINE: [To her sister] OK, you know the situation that happened there.

DJ: Why are you liking photos if you don’t even have your phone?

SHARAINE: I told you where I was at the time.

DJ: But why are you liking photos? You couldn’t contact me, but you were liking other people’s photos. And deleting my comment.

SHARAINE: Your comment is still on my wall!

DJ: No it’s not.

SHARAINE: Yes it is!

DJ: No it’s not.

SHARAINE: Yes it is.

ANAHEED: What was the comment?

DJ: I wrote, “What’s going on? What is your problem?” And she deleted it two days later!

SHARAINE: I did not delete it! It’s still on my wall!

ANAHEED: Can I just say, if someone wrote that on my wall, I would probably delete it.

DJ: Why would you delete it? It’s a legitimate question!

SHARAINE: As far as the communication, and me being on Facebook and liking other people’s photos—that’s true. But [DJ] scares the crap out of me with that crap.

ANAHEED: She is scary, a little.

SHARAINE: She’s a little intimidating.

DJ: What?! I don’t get this! Why do people say this? I’m the sweetest person.

SHARAINE: You’re more intimidating than scary.

DJ: I don’t like that. I don’t like that at all.

ANAHEED: But earlier you were like, “I’m straightforward; if someone can’t take it, then they can’t take it!”

DJ: [Sharaine] has anger problems.

SHARAINE: You’re the last person to talk about anger issues.

DJ: I don’t have anger issues; I have a problem with your anger issues.

MONET: Man, listen. [Pointing at Sharaine] That’s my headache. She’s my headache. [To Sharaine] You piss me off, I swear. You get on my nerves. But I love you.

SHARAINE: You get on my nerves, too. But you my ride or die.


The next three folks did the interview version of a dine-and-dash. We really wish we had a picture of them—they were all adorable—but they snuck by us instead of coming back as promised. We have no idea how, given the fact that we were seated in the front of the place. They must have been really slick about it. Damn you kids with your elder-outsmarting tactics and quick, youthful legs!!

4:34 AM
, SHANUYS, and DAJON, all 19

AMY ROSE: Where are you guys coming from?

SHANUYS: A bar. It’s called the Penny Farthing.

ANAHEED: Are you guys in school?

SHANUYS: No, I’m working.

TANIQUA: I was going to school, but what so happened… [Chokes up] Oh my god. I don’t want to talk about it.

ANAHEED: You don’t have to.

DAJON: She went to school, it wasn’t for her, so now she’s here.

TANIQUA: No, I want to tell people this, because it’s crazy. [Tearing up] I owe the school 7,625 dollars and 75 cents.

AMY ROSE & ANAHEED: Oh my god!

DAJON: The cops is coming for you!

TANIQUA: So now I’m not in school. Every time I tell my story I want to cry.

ANAHEED: How long did you go there?

TANIQUA: Only a semester! Can you believe it?

AMY ROSE: Where were you in school?

TANIQUA: Mercy College, Dobbs Ferry. It’s a private school, so it was expensive.

ANAHEED: And you, Dajon?

DAJON: I go to school in Long Island City—LaGuardia. And I work to support my shopping habit. But I plan on moving on to bigger and better things.

ANAHEED: What is your life going to be like, in your dreams, when you’ve made money?

DAJON: I don’t want a big house; I want a two-story condo or a loft, in Lower Manhattan. And a BMW or a Range Rover—white. It has to be white. I just want to be a socialite. I am a rich boy in a poor man’s body. Like, really, from birth. I’m meant to be rich. Eventually I’m going to be. And y’all gonna be pulling up this tape like, “I talked to him at IHOP on January 28th, 2012.”

ANAHEED: [To his friends] Do you think that he’s gonna do it?

SHANUYS: Yes. I have faith in him.


SHANUYS: Because he’s Dajon!

ANAHEED: Of course. So, they won’t let us take your picture in here, but when you guys are leaving will you promise to tell me, so I can take your picture outside?

TANIQUA: I promise.

ANAHEED: PLEASE tell me when you’re leaving.


[They fully SNEAK OUT without letting us know, so we have no pictures of this very cute trio of people.]

Like the last group, our final interview subjects spoke with us, then evaded us for pictures. Instead of running away, they just never sent in their consent forms. We guess we understand: they were really and truly fucked up, more so than anyone else we encountered over the course of the night. We gave them fake names for the sake of readability, but used their actual ages.

5:35 AM
A wonderfully belligerent 15-year-old girl who looks and acts like a baby Lesley Arfin.
STRAWBERRY: Li’l Arf’s strawberry-blond boyfriend, 17.
AMNESIA: A sweet 17-year-old who couldn’t remember where she had been all night.
SCRUFFY: Amnesia’s supremely stoned boyfriend, 17.
THE KID: A soft-spoken, butch 15-year-old wearing a baseball cap and a rugby shirt.

ANAHEED: Where were you guys before this?

LI’L ARF: We were at [Strawberry’s] house, and [before that] we were at a party.

ANAHEED: What kind of party was it?

STRAWBERRY: Kind of like a rave.

ANAHEED: Was it fun?

AMNESIA: I don’t remember.

ANAHEED: And from there you went to [Strawberry’s] house. What did you do at his house?

AMNESIA: I really don’t remember.

AMY ROSE: What’d you do at the rave?

STRAWBERRY: Got drunk.

LI’L ARF: All you need is a beer and a Xanax, if you’re trying to get drunk. Always.

ANAHEED: What did you order to eat here?

LI’L ARF: I got off the kids’ menu. Can you pass my crayons?

ANAHEED: What did you get?

LI’L ARF: A funny face. Where’s this going? Like, your little website?

ANAHEED: Yes, to our little website. It’s called Rookie.

AMY ROSE: You guys look so stoned. Did you smoke a bowl?

STRAWBERRY: I smoked some bong, yeah.

LI’L ARF: Wait, are you gonna arrest us?


THE KID: We smoked a few Js.

LI’L ARF: What did I do today?

THE KID: We went to that party.

LI’L ARF: No, I mean like today, day.

THE KID: I came over to your house.

AMNESIA: What day? Oh, I slept all day.

SCRUFFY: Tonight’s our first night of being second-term [seniors]. We just finished our first term of senior year today.

ANAHEED: Congratulations! How was your first term of senior year?


ANAHEED: Why was it awful?

AMNESIA: Schools, colleges, all that.

STRAWBERRY: What’s the spin of your website?

ANAHEED: It’s for teenage girls but it’s not stupid.

LI’L ARF: Like the Vagina Diary? What is that thing?

ANAHEED: Yes, it’s basically a vagina diary.

LI’L ARF: No, but you know what I’m talking about?

AMY ROSE: Yeah, The Vagina Monologues.

LI’L ARF: Yeah, that thing. So…what do you need? What are you, like, interviewing us for? Don’t you have questions?

ANAHEED: Sure, we can have questions. [In serious-journalist voice] What do you feel is the greatest challenge facing teenage girls in America today?

LI’L ARF: Wh…what?

ANAHEED: What’s your favorite food?

LI’L ARF: Pickles.

ANAHEED: What’s your favorite color?

LI’L ARF: Purple.

ANAHEED: What do you look for in a man, or a woman?

LI’L ARF: I like a big bush. Is my funny face coming? Oh shit, if you guys wanted to kill us, you have all this information on us now.

ANAHEED: We have so much dirt on you.

AMY ROSE: What about you, [Amnesia], what’s the hardest thing about being a teenage girl?

AMNESIA: I want to have sex without a condom.

STRAWBERRY: I finished, like, second semester today.

ANAHEED: Congratulations.

STRAWBERRY: Oh, no, I finished first semester. Into second semester.

ANAHEED: Did you guys all grow up in New York?


ANAHEED: I feel like kids who grow up in New York grow up faster. When you meet kids from other places, do they seem really different?

SCRUFFY: We know how to handle our shit better.

STRAWBERRY: Yeah. I don’t suck.

LI’L ARF: I don’t know what I would be like if I grew up somewhere else. Oh no, I would probably be so weird.

Li’l Arf’s funny face finally arrived.

Special thanks to Todd Barry for location-scouting help.