As an only child, and someone who’s lived more or less by myself for half of my college life so far, I’ve always been somewhat on my own. I’ve tended to pick living spaces where I could hole up and cry while listening to Elliott Smith and drinking beer by myself. These situations didn’t feel very social or college-y. They felt more like adolescent bedroom angst part II. But I think my solitary days are over.
I’ve just moved in with two rad ladies: my friend Kat from school and her friend Leah, whom I didn’t know that well before we moved in together. But getting to know her has been so fun. Like, tonight, I was driving us home in her car (she was wasted; but also, I am honored that she trusted me), and we started belting Death Cab together for a few miles, half laughing, half crying all the while. I was like, Whoa, I can feel like I’m 14 right now by listening to the Sad Songs Of My Youth and it’s not just me alone in my bedroom? Someone else does this, too?
This is the first time I’ve lived with a peer. One that has some of my same feelings that I thought were only mine. Actually, two peers. Feeling like I’m not by myself all the time is a new feeling, one that I’m feeling more and more often as I get farther from my childhood and deeper into my college years and stuff.
The bummer of the week is that Crush Boy times have been strange. We haven’t met up in six days. He was supposed to come over tonight. That’s why I’m writing this now, to distract me from the fact that it’s one in the morning, I just got home from a party, and he didn’t come over like he asked to earlier. This is the second time this week he’s flaked out on me. I’m trying to cut him the appropriate amount of slack because he doesn’t have a car, and the train here stops running pretty early. But when I get excited that a boy I have a crush on is about to come over, that’s what my night becomes about. It changes my mood, duh. Then when he doesn’t, it’s a huge letdown, and I wonder how he ended up with the power in this relationship. I’m used to having the upper hand in boy times, I guess because the boys I’ve had those times with in the past have liked me more than I liked them.
I really like this new crush. I’m upfront about these things, straightforward. I don’t play games. But now he has enough power over me to bum me out when he doesn’t come over, and that’s enough for me to recognize that I have to get my shit together and regain some control. Otherwise, I’ll judge myself for being needy or too involved or putting too much into something that may not exist. But I know there’s something there, which is why flaking moments can really mean something. (They mean BUMMER.)
But you know what is making me feel powerful? School, which just started, and every class is absolutely magical. At school, I feel totally in control of my future happiness. When I first got to college I was all about professional development, but now I’m seeing how many opportunities art school is giving me to figure out my own personal creative vision, and I want to take advantage of that. Basically, I’m ruling school and making it work for ME. So let’s do this thing, spring semester 2012. It’s good to be back in California. ♦