Dear Diary

January 25, 2012

Things that our diarists are happy about: school, snow, Sofia Coppola, beachside vacations, French boys, Samuel Johnson. Things they are not happy about: flaky boys, homework.

Dylan

As an only child, and someone who’s lived more or less by myself for half of my college life so far, I’ve always been somewhat on my own. I’ve tended to pick living spaces where I could hole up and cry while listening to Elliott Smith and drinking beer by myself. These situations didn’t feel very social or college-y. They felt more like adolescent bedroom angst part II. But I think my solitary days are over.

I’ve just moved in with two rad ladies: my friend Kat from school and her friend Leah, whom I didn’t know that well before we moved in together. But getting to know her has been so fun. Like, tonight, I was driving us home in her car (she was wasted; but also, I am honored that she trusted me), and we started belting Death Cab together for a few miles, half laughing, half crying all the while. I was like, Whoa, I can feel like I’m 14 right now by listening to the Sad Songs Of My Youth and it’s not just me alone in my bedroom? Someone else does this, too?

This is the first time I’ve lived with a peer. One that has some of my same feelings that I thought were only mine. Actually, two peers. Feeling like I’m not by myself all the time is a new feeling, one that I’m feeling more and more often as I get farther from my childhood and deeper into my college years and stuff.

The bummer of the week is that Crush Boy times have been strange. We haven’t met up in six days. He was supposed to come over tonight. That’s why I’m writing this now, to distract me from the fact that it’s one in the morning, I just got home from a party, and he didn’t come over like he asked to earlier. This is the second time this week he’s flaked out on me. I’m trying to cut him the appropriate amount of slack because he doesn’t have a car, and the train here stops running pretty early. But when I get excited that a boy I have a crush on is about to come over, that’s what my night becomes about. It changes my mood, duh. Then when he doesn’t, it’s a huge letdown, and I wonder how he ended up with the power in this relationship. I’m used to having the upper hand in boy times, I guess because the boys I’ve had those times with in the past have liked me more than I liked them.

I really like this new crush. I’m upfront about these things, straightforward. I don’t play games. But now he has enough power over me to bum me out when he doesn’t come over, and that’s enough for me to recognize that I have to get my shit together and regain some control. Otherwise, I’ll judge myself for being needy or too involved or putting too much into something that may not exist. But I know there’s something there, which is why flaking moments can really mean something. (They mean BUMMER.)

But you know what is making me feel powerful? School, which just started, and every class is absolutely magical. At school, I feel totally in control of my future happiness. When I first got to college I was all about professional development, but now I’m seeing how many opportunities art school is giving me to figure out my own personal creative vision, and I want to take advantage of that. Basically, I’m ruling school and making it work for ME. So let’s do this thing, spring semester 2012. It’s good to be back in California. ♦

Page

1 2 3 4 5

31 Comments

  • MissKnowItAll January 25th, 2012 7:16 PM

    Dylan
    I hope everything works out with crush boy.
    Katherine
    I hope you have fun on your trip. Fair warning though. Not ALL french boys are as alluring as we want them to be.

  • Naomi January 25th, 2012 7:19 PM

    katherine, you will LOVE paris. i miss it. i loved it. oh and good choice on a bit of fry and laurie.

  • EmilyJn January 25th, 2012 7:19 PM

    Not Mundane at all Katherine! About time we had some Fry and Laurie appreciation here on Rookie x

    • Narnie January 25th, 2012 10:46 PM

      Fry and Laurie are the best. We need a “Literally the Best Thing Ever: Stephen Fry”

      • ruby January 26th, 2012 2:14 PM

        haha i LOVE stephen fry, though seeing him naked in that new Sherlock Holmes film was mildly disturbing… :)

      • EmilyJn January 26th, 2012 3:55 PM

        totally, I may have to do a submission on him now! (I’m aware that we have kind of taken over the comments section but for good reason)

  • pinnedtothepage January 25th, 2012 8:18 PM

    “a class trip to Paris”!!! that is crazy/awesome/awesomely the farthest thing from my high school experience. probably if ever you want to experience a high school entirely different from your own, you could go visit a high school in laredo, tx, haha. go you in paris! also, “played some Etta James and felt classy as hell” yes!

  • Maddy January 25th, 2012 8:37 PM

    Ruby are you going to the open house (I mean I assume yes, but just excited for you!)? Snow is pretty great, but really only when you’re on vacation or a snow day.

  • kittenmix January 25th, 2012 8:53 PM

    I so want to turn out something like Dylan when i’m a few years older. She seems like the absolute shit, so to speak.

    • Faith January 25th, 2012 10:02 PM

      Me too! Dylan is really awesome; finally I can look up to someone who’s in college.

      • WitchesRave January 26th, 2012 7:46 AM

        Me three! She’s like living out my absolute IDEAL future college life!

    • Dylan January 27th, 2012 2:54 AM

      you all are insanely sweet!!

  • Adrienne January 25th, 2012 8:59 PM

    Ahhhh Katherine! Paris is the bomb! Last summer my family traveled to Europe, and we went to Paris! All of the streets are so dainty and pretty. The whole atmosphere is just so beautiful. I wish I can live there…
    I love Midnight in Paris (yeahh Woody Allen)! I really really really want to be a flapper in the ’20s with Fitzgerald, Hemmingway, etc. lol.

    http://theaverageasiangirl.blogspot.com/

  • Abby January 25th, 2012 9:36 PM

    I was so excited when I saw the picture that someone would be talking about Wuthering Heights. It’s only the BEST BOOK EVER. I like the diaries, but I can’t help feeling slightly disappointed that there was no Heathcliff angst. I NEED MY HEATHCLIFF!!!!…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. Sorry.

  • Georgie girl January 25th, 2012 9:56 PM

    Ruby, please come to Utah and learn how to ski! We have the best snow on EARTH (our license plates say so, and they never lie). It literally feels like flying down piles of fluffy amazingness.

    • pinnedtothepage January 25th, 2012 10:23 PM

      well that sounds great!

  • HannahCan January 25th, 2012 9:58 PM

    Dylan,

    As I read your post I am sitting alone in my room (alone because my roommate is at her boyfriend’s) drinking Shiner, boy was supposed to text but he didn’t. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one and I appreciate your honesty in this diary post. Knowing that I’m not the only one helps with being alone.

  • dogsrule January 25th, 2012 10:00 PM

    i felt like this driving through tuscany last april. even though i wasn’t really alone, i was on a tour bus with people from my school but they were either sleeping or silently watching twilight. it was really nice just listening to joanna newsom and taking everything in. also living on long island i go hiking and stuff with my friends a lot. we go to preserves and lakes and trails and beaches and it’s a lot of fun. i actually did that the past two nights!

    • Sarah January 26th, 2012 12:59 AM

      YES!
      a few years ago I went to Europe with an art history class and as we wound along the coast of Northern Italy into France I listened to Beirut and looked at the ocean and it was so beautiful. every time i listen to Lon Gisland i think of that time and the landscape********
      SIGH…..

  • pinnedtothepage January 25th, 2012 10:18 PM

    Naomi, I always love reading your entries. As I was watching the Lost in Translation clip before reading the rest of this one, I was thinking many similar things about Sophia Coppola and stillness and how invigorating it can be to be this low-key solo adventurer and just roam around and feel like this benevolent presence in the world and nature, bearing witness to the way it so grandly goes on moving and living and being beautiful, and loving it as it needs to be loved.

  • GagaMcQueen January 25th, 2012 10:29 PM

    OF COURSE snow smells good. :)

  • Emmie January 25th, 2012 10:46 PM

    best hot chocolate ever:

    2 spoonfuls unsweetened cocoa
    2 spoonfuls sugar
    whole milk
    bit of cinnamon
    bit of whipped cream

  • queserasera January 26th, 2012 1:12 AM

    ruby – I’m going to see snow this weekend! First time in like 5 years i think. I live in southern cali and it takes a good two hours to drive up to the mountains! so excited. any other good food to eat in the snow besides hot chocolate?

    http://mercurialmanic.blogspot.com/

  • Susann January 26th, 2012 2:40 AM

    Those were great to read – I have to see “Lost in Translation” again soon! And go to Paris, obviously!

    http://fashioninpepperland.blogspot.com

  • erin January 26th, 2012 7:16 PM

    Oh Katherine! I’m sure you’ll come back cultured and fabulous and stuff. Much more cultured than those of us who can’t go to france… *sobs quietly*
    Have fun!

  • Hedwig January 26th, 2012 8:37 PM

    Kathrine! ahahhaa

    Naomi, I think it’s the nature in the scenes. I get the same feeling when I hang out in my tree.

  • PinkGum January 27th, 2012 1:58 PM

    ne diyonuz abi ya ben Türküm.

  • KayKay January 28th, 2012 12:14 PM

    My little sister gets to go on a class trip to Paris, too…. how I envy her.

  • curiousnomad January 30th, 2012 5:39 PM

    @dylan: i’d love to see some of your art pieces or sketchbook pages. do you think you can send me some or publish it on rookiemag or something?

    • Dylan February 7th, 2012 3:44 AM

      that’d be something I’d link to on my Tumblr when I get around to it sometime this semester!

  • madpie January 30th, 2012 9:51 PM

    When I went to paris cute french boy (actually he was probably twenty something) sat next to me on a train. He had a white violin with him because he played at Versailles. He tried to hit on me but his English was so bad he kept blushing.

    It would have been perfect, except I was with my parents.

    Have fun in Paris!