Dear Diary

January 18, 2012

Growing pains.

Naomi

I suppose in my head I’ve always though putting good things into life = getting good things out of it. An old-fashioned idea, maybe. This week it seems it’s an idea that doesn’t work. I hate it because this time last week, how dreamy I was feeling, and how lovely it was to feel dreamy again. I was in a blissful state of mind, a trance semi-induced by Bon Iver. Contrast that with now, when I feel a bitterness and a hanging cloud overhead and I am feeling too lacklustre to listen to any music at all.

I don’t get it. I think I am beginning to get life figured out and then it makes a U-turn. Friday I suddenly woke up with that old familiar tiredness—I was so heavy, and everything I did had a slowed-down effort to it, the opposite of that dreamy airiness feeling from the rest of the week.

For some reason, I was determined to make muffins. I can’t remember the last time I baked anything. Maybe two years ago? Then I discovered we had no flour and almost had a meltdown. I felt so fragile, I could have been knocked over by a feather. It was cold (I love the cold), and it was sunny (I love the sunshine), but I did not feel happy or invigorated. I just felt…tired. But there was that flour to get, and I figured I’d feel better if I got it. So I grabbed my coat and purse and somehow made it out the back gate. On a day like that, that was an accomplishment in itself. I made it to the shop and found the flour. My heart was beating so fast as I waited in line. I thought I was going to either faint or run out and back home as quickly as possible, or horrible things would escape every orifice, or my insides were completely going to collapse. So I left the line and stared intently at some bananas. The guy working there must have walked past wondering why this pale girl was so angry at these bananas.

Well, guess what, I made it. I held on to that bag of flour for dear life. Clutched it as if it were proof of my being well, my being OK. I don’t mind telling you that the day went progressively downhill after that. I also don’t mind telling you that I survived, as I always do.

I’m not sure why I am entombing these last few couple of days like I want to remember them, because I sincerely don’t. Maybe I need proof that I have survived and that though there will be bad moments in the future, there will, over time, be more good days. I still feel crap, but there is always tomorrow. Please join me in asking the universe and my body to be a bit more kind to me.

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30 Comments

  • MissKnowItAll January 18th, 2012 7:09 PM

    Katherine, Happy belated birthday!!!
    PS. I agree, friends sucks in comparison to the nanny or home improvement.
    Ruby, I feel like I told myself the exact same thing this morning. I hate how whenever I dress nicely people always ask me who I’m dressing up for.
    I’m seriously in love with all of you guys. PPS. How did you guys become writers for Rookie?

  • youarebananas January 18th, 2012 7:46 PM

    katherine, my friends also threw me a surprise party for my 18th birthday, like a month ago. the whole time i felt like THIS IS THE BEST I LOVE PARTIES I HAVE FRIENDS! but also like GO HOME WHY DID YOU MAKE ME FOOD I AM NOT SPECIAL ENOUGH FOR THIS! difficulties!

  • charlotteclothier January 18th, 2012 7:52 PM

    I totally agree with Ruby!! There is this guy that lives by me, and parents keep saying that I am dressing overly provocative for him. I mean i know red lipstick and heavy eyeliner can look too sexy sometimes, but I do it for myself because I feel good. and FYI he is not attractive. its so frustrating!! I love reading these stories, i can relate to them a lot! Especially the one about staring at bananas I do that a lot, I suffer from anxiety and sometimes you’ll see me staring at my shoes for hours or a lovely poster advertising how to check your testicles whilst in the doctors room.

  • Fortune_Goddess January 18th, 2012 8:11 PM

    Naomi-I’m so happy for you. That’s a really big step :-)

  • Chandler January 18th, 2012 8:47 PM

    I 100% agree with you on the looks that people give me when I say I want to do something in fashion when I grow up. “What are your hobbies?” “Uhm…fashion, what else am I supposed to say??” Also, I used to completley not care what people thought of me and my outfits, but when I reached high school, I started to care more, this inspired me to wear the craziest outfit with the craziest cat eyes (which the cat eyes i have been wearing all week) and, tomorrow is a new day to not care what people think of me. :) Thank you:)

    • Chandler January 18th, 2012 8:48 PM

      ^^^about Ruby’s story

  • Chandler January 18th, 2012 8:49 PM

    I also was inspired my Naomi’s story. It reminded me that tomorrow is a new day. :)

  • Emmie January 18th, 2012 9:27 PM

    Comfort isn’t synonymous with happiness- I needed to hear that, thanks)))

  • Adrienne January 18th, 2012 9:40 PM

    Oh Dylan! I live like 15-20 minutes away from Oakland haha (not a stalker). Fun place… Chinatown is the bomb, and there’s this one Cambodian restaurant that you NEED to try! It’s called Phnom Penh House. The location is a little sketch, but the food is sooo good. And there’s no MSG!

    Ruby, I want to get into makeup, but my parents are not too keen on that idea. They think that makeup is for girls who are insecure and don’t like how they look. I, however, just want to try it for fun! :(
    Oh well, 2 more years till college heheh.

    http://theaverageasiangirl.blogspot.com

  • Adrienne January 18th, 2012 9:43 PM

    Oh, and I’m also interested in fashion. However, I live in the land of sweats, jeans, and uggs, and I don’t have the balls yet to wear what I want to wear. :o

  • megantron January 18th, 2012 10:33 PM

    Happy belated birthday, Katherine!

    The Dear Diary feature contains my favorite articles on Rookie. Wish Rookie had been around when I was a teenager…It’s been a few years since I graduated high school, but reading these entries always brings back the old feelings.

  • marimba_girl January 18th, 2012 10:36 PM

    Ruby, I totally get your feelings about makeup. I have mixed feelings when I wear foundation because I’m not ashamed of my face, but I don’t really want to announce to the world that I’m breaking out and have a zit on my nose. Sometimes I just want to scrub off all the the products I put on my face and other times I wish I caked it on even more. I still am struggling with how I feel about it. When I do wear makeup I make sure that I’m doing it because it is something that I want to do and not because I feel pressured to look “pretty” or that I do it for attention from my boyfriend. Which I’m not saying is wrong but I would rather that he digs my face without mascara and eyeliner than with.

    In writing this I realized that my feelings can’t exactly be put into quantifiable reasons. Sometimes I just feel gross in makeup and I feel as if it is like a mask that I hide behind. And I don’t want to hide.

    Does anyone else feel the same? because I totally could be the odd woman out on this one

  • SweetThangVintage January 18th, 2012 11:18 PM

    Ruby! I’m 17 and I just started wearing make up last week and you are like, my TWIN! I love how much I GET this!

    haha an 8 year old at my church told me I didn’t look like myself, and I needed to take a napkin and wipe my eyes off, and that I look like a grandma. Cracked me up.

  • Sarah January 19th, 2012 12:48 AM

    DYLAN~~
    try Pretty Penny on college for shopping//come on up to Berkeley and visit Cheeseboard (for wonderful pizza + jazz)
    the Bay Area is wonderful I will be sad to leave it next year for college!!
    p.s
    there’s lots of good Indian food in oakland

  • Chloe Elizabeth January 19th, 2012 2:39 AM

    … I love Friends. Please don’t kick me out of Rookie. :)

    • Tavi January 19th, 2012 2:47 AM

      oh, i do too. i have just about every episode memorized. favorite season is either 4 or 5 or 6 (oops). KATHERINE, YOU’RE FIRED.

      • Tourdivoire January 19th, 2012 7:24 AM

        Haha reading Katherine’s entry made me go on YouTube and watch dozens of clips from Friends. I LOVE Friends. But please don’t fire Katherine, I like her diary too!

        Love Minna’s illustration this week. Could you guys edit an album of Minna’s work? I would totally buy it.

    • annagracie January 20th, 2012 5:29 PM

      I second this

  • Libby January 19th, 2012 12:26 PM

    Dylan–I have way too many roots here. I’m desperate to transplant myself.
    & Naomi; being in the line at Tesco is the scariest thing in the world sometimes. I freak out about whether people are judging the contents of my basket!
    Katherine–I don’t like Friends. But all my friends do. Haha!
    Ruby–Yes!!! My friend asked today if I was wearing blusher. For some reason I then got really self concious. I’m always hammering on about being a feminist & not calling other girls sluts, and then I can’t deal with admitting I wear makeup. It’s complicated, I guess.

  • Cosmo Beatrix January 19th, 2012 4:27 PM

    DYLAN, i want to know more about what happened/is happening with crush boy!

    • Dylan January 20th, 2012 1:55 AM

      I might take you up on that suggestion!

  • Madeleine January 19th, 2012 6:56 PM

    I understand exactly where you’re coming from, Naomi; hang in there, and good job sticking with it and getting the flour.

  • caro nation January 19th, 2012 7:09 PM

    Youtube’s inadequate service is preventing me from watching Naomi’s video. SOPA protest?

  • Emilie January 20th, 2012 12:59 AM

    Ruby:
    my thoughts put in better words exactly.
    that is all.

  • Chimdi January 20th, 2012 2:34 AM

    The Nanny! First mention! I LOVE THE NANNY! I am also sad that they rarely show it on Nick anymore :(

    Oh and this blog:
    http://shouldbeonthenanny.blogspot.com/

    {OH MY GOSH they use Mr. Sheffield for menswear now…*swoon*}

  • annagracie January 20th, 2012 5:28 PM

    GOOOOOO RUBY!!
    Fight the unrealistic standards given by society and the media (except Rookie, of course)!

    p.s. this was all genuine enthusiasm– for some reason I tend to sound sarcastic when I’m completely serious, and this is one of those times

  • Nomi January 21st, 2012 4:57 AM

    happy birthday katherine! <3 my birthday is today (saturday the 21st) and Im still recovering from a bad flu…so however pathetic your birthday might have been, at least it wasnt spent throwing up and sleeping alternatively, which is how i predict today will go.

  • stellar January 21st, 2012 6:18 PM

    i hear u, Ruby!! same thing here…some people just didn’t ‘get it’ either way but that doesn’t have to stop u from doing what u know is true for yrself.

  • natalie January 21st, 2012 6:57 PM

    Ah, RubyRubyRuby. I totally know where you’re coming from. I consider myself a feminist as well but I just always sort of liked wearing makeup. Some people have told me that I don’t need to, some boys have told me they’d prefer if I didn’t. Part of me started considering that I should maybe stop wearing makeup. But then I realized. I wasn’t wearing makeup because I was self conscious or I was covering something up or I thought I looked better with it or I wanted to be more attractive. I was wearing it because I like it. I like putting it on. I just like wearing it. So I realized that since I didn’t wear makeup for anyone but myself then it didn’t make much sense for me to stop wearing it to please anyone else either.

  • Sphinx January 22nd, 2012 5:11 PM

    Ruby, I sorta feel the same way.
    I’m almost 17 now, and I rarely use make up,mostly because I’m lazy. Also, because I feel like if i wear it all the time, it’ll become my “regular face” and people will think it’s weird without make up. Since I wear it only occasionaly, people are always surprised, and I kind of like that.
    I think wearing make up (or wanting to wear make up) isn’t the same as “giving in” to regular beauty standards at all! In the end, what matters is that you feel good about yourself.