Dear Diary

January 11, 2012

Habits, old and new.

Katherine

I hate to say high school is hell, because it’s not. At the same time, it totally is. It’s hard to explain why I find it so depressing. Like, the other day, I was at lunch with a girl I don’t usually eat with. I was sitting next to her because none of my friends were in the lunch room and almost every table was full. We sat in silence for a while. She asked me what I was eating. I said a chicken salad sandwich. I asked her what she was eating. She also had a sandwich. I just kind of sat there and watched the tables where the teachers always sit.

Anyway, when this girl asked me what I was thinking about, I told her it was depressing that these teachers were sitting in a cafeteria with a bunch of kids, hunched over their trays of pizza and fruit punch the same way we were. Our school recently switched to tables that have seats attached to them because we weren’t “mature” enough to handle real chairs. And now the adults have to sit there, too.

Also: lunch boxes. I still carry a lunch box to school and I’m almost legally an adult. Lunch boxes are a symbol of wanting to grow up, but not being able to yet.

Also also: I keep having these uncomfortable interactions with this guy I’m in band with. We have band every day as our last class, so we end up walking to class together. He’s gentlemanly to a crippling degree. He always opens the door for people. One day, when his hands were full, I opened the door for him and he was super upset. I’m not sure why, but I think that politeness is essential to him or something. So I guess that’s why high school is like mini-hell. It’s really average and uncomfortable and stuff.

It’s also hell because several months after a boy in our grade killed himself last year, the teachers put these self-help books in our lockers about getting over grief. They were trying to help, but it didn’t really matter. I hadn’t known him that well, but I did know that we all tried to get rid of our books as fast as we could. Also, the first day back after he died, there were teachers all over the hallway. There were rumors that they were designated to guard his locker so that no one would make it into a shrine or something. And one girl said she overheard one teacher tell another that she thought that we should be over his suicide by now, and that was only two weeks after it happened.

Also also also: who am I to write about this? I didn’t even know him. Then again, I kind of did, because he was in some of my classes and my best friend used to have a giant crush on him. He gave me Skittles once in civics class because I said I was hungry. He once told me that I was funny.

So that’s where my relationship with school is right now. It makes me feel confused and conflicted and like I want to get out. But I have five more months left. In that time, I will feel exhausted and treat my family like shit as a result. I will go to school and get in trouble with my statistics teacher for talking too much and with my French teacher for not talking enough. I will be angry at myself for being petty and complaining a lot, but then will feel better when I get candy from my teacher’s office and talk to her before dance class. In dance class, I will hate my body, and in musical practice I will hate having to be so peppy. High school is and isn’t hell. I hate it. Sort of. ♦

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25 Comments

  • Narnie January 11th, 2012 8:05 PM

    Katherine- that was so beautiful and so honest. It’s exactly how I feel about high school too.

  • maebefunke January 11th, 2012 8:14 PM

    Ruby, Holla at another Rookie veggie!
    One day when I stop being lame, I will submit a post about being vegan (except for really good pizza). Mainly because the world NEEDS to know this vegan shepherds pie recipe.

  • Fortune_Goddess January 11th, 2012 8:17 PM

    Ruby! You are me. *creepiness*

  • I.ila January 11th, 2012 8:55 PM

    Dylan – That is me all the time. I say “Oh yeah, we should meet up this weekend” and then I never actually do. Somehow I wind up on Sunday with a pile of homework and I haven’t gone outside my house.

  • moonchild January 11th, 2012 8:57 PM

    Hey rookie! sorry I accidentally posted a comment with nothing in it! (didn’t mean to hahaha)

    Anyway, I just wanted to say that I LOVE this weeks diary! w00t w00t vegetarian power… UNITE!

  • bunny2015 January 11th, 2012 9:21 PM

    I”m from Seattle, I’m still here and I TOTALLY understand about the weather Dylan!

  • caro nation January 11th, 2012 9:28 PM

    Minna, that apple dress is KILLER. WHERE IS THAT FROM?

    • Minna January 11th, 2012 10:49 PM

      Oh golly!! I found this picture in a 1976 German magazine.. I also found a pic of a bed with like vinyl cherries as the bed head. I died. So to be honest the dress probably isn’t on the market anymore.. If you search on ebay for like 50s fruit dresses or cherry dresses or something you never know what you’ll find though! :) :) :) tutti frutti!

  • Nasstasja January 11th, 2012 10:09 PM

    I have 5 months left of high school too and the same feelings are starting to hit me. I simultaneously feel too old and mature for high school and too young for college. Crapppp. I just want out of school

  • acatfollowedmehome January 12th, 2012 1:11 AM

    Katherine your diary today was truly beautiful. So honest. The part where you talked about the boy who killed himself and how you can know people in little ways. How he once told you you were funny.

  • kirsty January 12th, 2012 7:32 AM

    doh i’m moving to seattle later this year, this doesn’t inspire much enthusiasm dylan! although saying that, you’re comparing it to san francisco’s weather, whereas i’m coming from scotland…it’ll feel like hawaii to me!

    • Dylan January 12th, 2012 12:00 PM

      Seattle is a gem. I love it so much. But the winter just sucks…but I guarantee you, not as much as Scotland!!

  • kavalier January 12th, 2012 7:51 AM

    Naomi, that diary entry is beautiful – it reads like poetry.

    I can relate, in a way. I’m about to enter my last year of high school and I’m basically scared shitless at the possibility before me: to succeed, or to just totally bomb out. There’s so much potential in my life right now. Theoretically, I can do anything, and it’s terrifying.

    I love reading your entries every week.

    also: kjdhfgkjdfhg BON IVER

    • Naomi January 12th, 2012 10:51 AM

      esdrftyghuiuyt BON IVER!!! (we have the same reaction to bon iver)

      • kavalier January 12th, 2012 9:33 PM

        it’s the only proper reaction, let’s be real

    • rhymeswithorange January 12th, 2012 7:01 PM

      Ahhh I agree with all of this! You are my favorite rookie writer, naomi. Your entry is just inspiring.
      And I feel the same way about bon iver!!! I swear half my diary is “BON IVER IS SPECTACULAR FANTASTIC MAGICAL AMAZING”

  • vadergurl January 12th, 2012 10:54 AM

    I can relate to this so much. I ate fairly normal until I turned about four or five, then I decided no more meat, no more veggies, little to no fruit, no eggs, basically nothing but grain and dairy products. I keep finding articles online and Anderson Cooper did an episode on his show about extremely picky eaters. I like feeling less alone. Maybe someday I’ll try to “fix” my eating habits, but it’s not any easy task when you’ve been used to it your whole life.

  • KayKay January 12th, 2012 11:56 AM

    I’m generally not a picky eater, but I cannot stand some things [mushrooms, foie gras, cheese [only melted cheese is okay], abalone, shell fish [like mussels and clams and oysters], shrimp that still have the head on them [gawd, it's gross], organs [like kidneys and liver], celery, fennel and bird’s nest, to name a few).

    Especially not bird’s nest; it’s this chinese delicacy made of bird saliva… I’m serious, bird saliva. And the worst thing is, I once ate it without knowing what it was, gah.

  • Ruby B. January 12th, 2012 6:00 PM

    Katherine, that was beautiful.

  • MissKnowItAll January 12th, 2012 8:59 PM

    OMG so happy to find a veggie rookie like me. I’m lacto-vegan tho…

  • martina January 13th, 2012 2:11 AM

    oh dylan i totally feel you on seattle winter hell. the constant grey is just so exhausting, having to leave my bedroom for more than a couple of hours becomes quite the ordeal. still, i love this city terribly.
    also, wow katherine and naomi’s diaries were so beautiful this week.

  • taste test January 14th, 2012 5:43 PM

    Katherine, your post on high school is so great and relatable. I’m also a high school senior, and I also both love and hate high school right now- hate it because it’s so predictable and frustrating, but love it because it’s what I know and I am lightyears away from being ready for college.

  • The Emma Edition January 16th, 2012 11:29 PM

    Katherine, I loved your diary post, especially the part about sitting with someone silently at lunch. I think there is such a thing as unawkward silence… sometimes its just nice to eat lunch, you know?

  • elenamarie January 17th, 2012 10:56 AM

    Okay so… I am a vegetarian,who eats fish. I wanna be a vegan but I don’t know how I could eat anything!! Where I live,there is absolutely no vegan restraunts or stores in sight! My cousin is a vegan, but she has a lot of health problems that i think I would get if I became a vegan. Help!