You Asked It

Go Ask Arfin

Porn, crushes, and, yes, talking to boys.


There is a super-cute guy that sits next to me in class. I really want to talk to him, but I’m just so shy. I wish it were as simple as “Hi, you’re cute, let’s talk about stuff and if we like the same things let’s make out.” But it’s not, and I’m at a loss. I’m even scared to Facebook friend him! Where do I start? The semester is almost over, so this needs to happen ASAP. Sincerely, Psyching Out in Psych

Dear Psych Out,

Everyone is shy! Everyone is scared to send a Facebook friend request or talk to the guy they like. I hate to break the news to you, but this is like half the fun of having a crush on someone. The before part. You know why you are so head over heels for this guy? It’s not because he’s so great. It’s because someplace deep down inside, you actually want to face your fear. His looks don’t excite you half as much as the superhero lady that lives in the bottom of your stomach and is preparing to soar outta yr mouth the minute you speak to him. He doesn’t excite you as much as the future you want to have with him does. The fantasy! It’s fake. This is why we love it.

So you can stay shy and keep living in the make-believe world where the two of you walk around school with your hands in each other’s butt pockets (something I’ve seen in movies but never in real life). OR you can pop the bubble. Face your fear and see what happens. What if it sucks? What if he hates you? What if you hate him? Nothing. You don’t die. You keep it moving. See Q&A below for more advice on this matter.

In January I asked this guy out. I had liked him for ages, and I got the impression that he liked me too. I spoke to a lot of friends and they all said I should ask him out. So I did, but via Facebook, because I couldn’t pluck up the courage to ask face to face. Anyway, he said no and I was really upset. I still have to see him every week because we are part of the same tennis lessons. I have never had a boyfriend before, and I would like one. I know that might sound a bit desperate, but it’s true. The only problem is that I do not know many boys as I go to an all-girls school, and after what happened in January I have absolutely no confidence with boys whatsoever. Help! Do you have any tips for confidence with boys? —Sophie, Kent, England

God, this is exactly the type of letter I would have once written. I didn’t go to an all-girls school, but I always made the move on guys and they always rejected me. It’s the worst. I still have that rejection pain stored in a little pocket inside my heart.

Ironically, what eventually gave me confidence with boys came from that very same pocket. It was rejection! I was rejected so many times that it became a part of my character. I was able to turn it into a funny joke or a good story—a part of me I learned how to embrace. And then something strange happened: I felt a little more confident. And then a little more. My little snowball of self-love kept getting bigger. And when the ball got really big, I stopped getting rejected. Actually, no, it wasn’t that I didn’t get rejected, it was that the definition of rejection had changed for me. Rejection never goes away.

Today I (try to) see rejection as protection. Protection from feeling bad when things go wrong. Of course I still feel the burn, but I usually end up feeling really grateful for it.

Now that you wanna punch me in the face, here’s what else I have to say: I don’t know what you should do, only because I don’t know how to avoid feeling stupid, weird, insecure, or embarrassed. The only thing that helps us not to feel these icky feelings so strongly is, like I said before, actually having the experience of feeling them. So you see this guy at tennis and you feel weird for a bit. That sucks. Sorry. Welcome to life. And yeah you go to an all-girls school, but when you’re really ready for the boys, there will be boys. This is also called life. Keep on keeping on, show up for tennis despite your fear. Show up for feeling stupid even when it hurts. I think it’s like building up an immunity to just living. It’s hard. It’s painful. Keep going. It gets better.

I was just browsing around your site and happened on the article on masturbation, which I thought was great. It did spark off one thought in me though: Jamie mentions that it’s totally OK to use porn, which, yay. But personally, as a feminist, I have a lot of questions about the ethics of porn. In fact, I tend to steer away from live-action material partly because it’s hard to know whether the people involved are really fully consenting or whether they are being exploited. I think it would be great to give some information about this. Thanks, Zooey

Dear Zooey,

I loved the article about masturbation too. In terms of feminism and porn, yes, it’s OK to use it (more than OK), and I think the only way to really know if people are consenting to being in porn would be to ask each individual porn star. Right? I mean, what about the ethics of anything? Sometimes as a writer I feel as though I’m whoring myself out to make money, but it’s my choice and so be it. How would anyone know that unless I told them? And does it not count because it has nothing to do with my body? Not to me. I write with my body. My whole brain, my whole hand, whole heart, and whole vagina too. The various schools of feminism are divided on this issue but most agree that banning any kind of pornography would be censorship, which I think is the bigger issue. So here’s an idea: don’t watch porn. Or better yet, write your own article about it! I think for further questions on the subject you might want to read up on some porn activists/feminists such as Annie Sprinkle, Betty Dodson, or Kathy Acker. I’m not trying to get you to change your views, I just think the politics of some of these women might give you a better understanding of pro-sex feminism. Get to work!

I’m a 17-year-old girl and I fell badly in love with one of my best friends. He was so sweet with me, but he didn’t want to be my boyfriend. I tried to keep my distance from him, but it’s really hard because I have to see him seven hours a day, every day, at school. For almost six months I tried to have a nice attitude and my feelings about finally disappeared (forever, I thought). But this week I went to his birthday party and he asked me to dance. I said yes to be polite. Then during our dance I started feeling fireworks and butterflies and the love feelings hit me really hard again. Now, like an idiot, I can’t stop thinking about his hand on my back. And he keeps being really nice to me. Maybe he’s just a jerk and is playing with my feelings. What’s your opinion? Sincerely, A Desperate Teenager

Hi, Desperate Teenager. Have you told this friend whom you’re in love with how you feel? If so, then he might be taking advantage of the fact that you love him. He might like that you like him, even if he doesn’t like you back in that way. If he knows how you feel and he’s still flirting, that’s not cool. That’s not what a best friend does. He shouldn’t lead you on.

But we can’t control what he does, only what you can do. I think the lesson here is integrity. Create a boundary. I know it’s hard to do, but if he touches your back in a way that gives you the love-butterflies, move away so that his hand is gone. Why touch? He should respect your space and your body, because this boy is not dumb. He knows it makes you feel good. Maybe he’s having a little power trip? Don’t give away your power.

All of this is just a mindful practice. You don’t have to do it perfectly, but try it. Sure, he can do nice things, but you know in your heart the difference between being nice and being interested in dating you. My roommate is nice. My boyfriend is nicer. Know what I mean?

Believe me when I say this: every time I’ve created my own physical boundary out of a feeling of self-worth, it always makes the guy like me more. But then, guess what? Snooze. I’m already over it, sucka.

xx
Lesley

18 Comments

  • Susann January 11th, 2012 1:06 AM

    The first two questions (I mean, I could have asked them last year) and answers are so helpful! Thanks :)

    http://fashioninpepperland.blogspot.com/

  • jenjencm January 11th, 2012 1:12 AM

    Yes! It feels good to be the first one to comment. Rookie is the best magazine ever!!! They always read my mind and post the perfect things. Thanks Rookie for this article it was really helpful. Keep up the good work! :)

  • rubyhobbit January 11th, 2012 1:46 AM

    This is great, gotta create my own boundary!!!

  • Karyn January 11th, 2012 3:13 AM

    i don’t think that’s what the porn question was asking, actually. there are places to find “ethical” porn that is produced by people who are very social-justice oriented, mindful of sex-positivity, consent issues, and body positivity. there’s a whole day devoted to the creating and sharing of pornography that is made with clear consent in a non-exploitative way. it was originally called “lady porn day,” focusing on pornography produced for the female gaze rather than the male gaze, but has expended to more of an “ethical porn day” for people to make and find queer porn that comes from a positive, consenting standpoint and that has a broader audience in mind than “white males”. it deals a lot with the treatment of POC as “exotic” or a “fetish”

    http://shannakatz.com/2011/02/21/what-is-ethicalfeminist-pornography/ is a good place to start. it’s not a link to porn, but it is a really great post by one of the people most involved in ethical/feminist porn.

    i’m no porn guru. i identify as asexual and as part of that, for me, i don’t consume pornography or engage in sexual activity. i do, however, believe in sex-positivity and in helping people find material that they are comfortable with, and that is produced in a way that people feel is ethical. i hope this comment posts, because the past few times i’ve tried, it hasn’t posted at all :(

    • annalise January 12th, 2012 4:25 PM

      That’s such a fabulous article. I think that really accurately answers the question that was posed above, and a lot of questions I have personally so thankyouthankyouthankyou.

  • Miarele January 11th, 2012 6:47 AM

    I really like the first two questions and I know for sure a LOT of people would really identify with them but I don’t think the answers really delve into them too much :(

    I do like the part about building up an immunity to living though. It’s a nice, realistic perspective to develop. Gotta work on that!

  • Brit January 11th, 2012 7:54 AM

    If only I could have read this last year (or the year before. 2010. Whatever). I can guarantee that this would have helped me figure out a lot. Especially the last question. This is so easy to relate to! agh!

    http://sericum.tumblr.com

  • Silver January 11th, 2012 9:52 AM

    Live-action porn, even if it is lady/queer positive, has always made me kind of uncomfortable anyways and I never really want to watch it. I wish I had specific recommendations for you, but I prefer reading erotica or sexy comics. In my experience it’s way easier to find lady/queer friendly versions of that, and plus I like projecting my imagination onto those forms of sexy media.

  • KayKay January 11th, 2012 1:00 PM

    Yesterday I saw sitting in the bus and this guy sitting behind me was telling his friends that his tattoo artist is also a porn star. Kind of random, but the porn question reminded me of it…

  • md January 11th, 2012 1:18 PM

    I think the answer about porn was really a cop out. it’s important to care about the sexual rights and health of others and her question was so great! saying “I mean, what about the ethics of anything?” encourages relativism and not bothering to try. just because we can’t be sure that something is PERFECT doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do our best be ethical. as an example, i think it is better to buy certified fair trade good rather than things made in sweat shops even though i can’t personally go see both factories.

  • Naomi January 11th, 2012 1:47 PM

    this is full of so much good advice, ESPECIALLY the bit about crushes – so much truth.

  • Molly MH January 11th, 2012 2:45 PM

    Re: the porn question. I’m glad that Lesley linked a great breakdown of feminist perspectives on porn, but I’m concerned that the response implied that Zooey’s ethical concerns were unfounded. (Thanks Karyn, for the post by the way!)

    Being uncomfortable with porn (speaking of the vast majority of the stuff that’s out there) or even being anti-porn does not mean that you are anti-sex. (I saw a woman on a documentary discuss this issue. She said something to the effect of: “Saying I don’t like sex because I don’t like porn, is like saying I don’t like food because I don’t like McDonald’s.”) The porn industry is a multi-billion dollar business – I don’t think that empowerment or pro-sex politics are their motivating forces, or for that matter, what they’re selling.

    Regardless, I respect Lesley’s response, but I’ll also add that there are plenty of feminists (cited in that link) that disagree. And the age of internet porn (and how it affects our relationships, sexual expectations, etc) is ripe for yet another take on it all. A good start on that front is Pamela Paul’s book Pornified, if you want to check it out.

    • Johann7 January 12th, 2012 11:57 AM

      You’re right, it’s not anti-sex, it’s anti-sex-that-happens-in-any-way-but-the-ways-with-which-I’m-comfortable (i.e. as part of an economic transaction). Saying all porn is intrinsically bad because porn makes one uncomfortable is like saying that all gay sex is intrinsically bad because gay sex makes one uncomfortable – it posits one’s personal comfort as a universal moral/ethical authority. It’s fine for porn (or gay sex, for that matter) to make one uncomfortable, not fine to say that no one should do it.

      Also, while opposition to pornography may not itself be anti-sex, a universal opposition is, I think, informed by anti-sex attitudes. It rests on the assumption that, given a free, uncoerced choice, no one would choose sex work as a job and/or an assumption that photographs or videos of one engaging in sex acts (or the very act of engaging in those sex acts – definitely an anti-sex position) are necessarily harmful. Both of these assumptions are untrue. Sexual exploitation certainly does happen, and even for people who are choosing sex work relatively uncoerced (that is, no more coerced than any of us working jobs to pay the bills), they may be exploited in the same way that all laborers are exploited in a capitalist economy (paid less for their labor than the value of the final product that is the direct result of that labor). We should certainly combat exploitation, but if we can do that in a way that doesn’t unfairly limit the agency of e.g. people who like sex and think the fact they can get paid for it is doubly awesome, that seems preferable to me.

  • haggybat January 11th, 2012 8:40 PM

    Whether you’re pro or anti porn, I think it’s important to read the arguments, and I don’t really see the anti side well represented in most feminist places online these days, it’s honestly super, super interesting. There’s lots about it over at endporn.tumblr.com

    And I do not agree at all that supposed “censorship” is a bigger problem than whether you’re masturbating to rape or not. For a start, censorship is not a black and white, bad or good thing. We censor child porn don’t we? Who would object to that? And actually, I have never, EVER heard an anti-porn feminist advocate for censorship anyway, they are all about decreasing the demand the propagates porn production and they keep saying this.

    If you’re going to give advice to young girls on something like this, maybe try not completely misrepresenting the opposing argument.

    • Tavi January 11th, 2012 8:50 PM

      Lesley linked to other writings because she didn’t feel qualified to represent either side.

  • Amethyst January 13th, 2012 12:44 PM

    The advice on question two is spot on! Super truthful and advice to live by. Especially the last bit. Thanks for keeping it honest!

  • clementineIV January 17th, 2012 12:39 PM

    LA, as always, you are my hero.
    been following you since Vice!

  • Mim January 18th, 2012 10:39 PM

    About Q#3 — what if the guy has changed his mind? He may not be a jerk, he may just be dumb and confused and not know how to express his feelings!