Fun

Aunt Debbie and Uncle Mitch Go H.A.M.

Correspondence from a Cool Aunt and Uncle.


My aunt Debbie and uncle Mitch are the best, and I love them. Aunt Debbie tries really hard to keep up with pop culture, and sometimes she turns to me for help (much to Mitch’s dismay). Below is a sampling of the emails I’ve received from them over the past few months:

9/28/11

Dear Evie,

Are you still into the Jonas Brothers? I saw one of them on a granola bar commercial the other day. Not the eyebrows one, the other one. Rick? I think it was Rick. It made me think of you. Miss you!

XO,
Aunt Debbie

9/29/11

Dear Evie,

Nick! I can’t believe I remembered that wrong. Has it really been four years since we went to see them in concert? I guess it would make sense that you aren’t into them as much anymore. Who are you into now? Let me know and I’ll try to get tickets. Uncle Mitch sends his love.

XO,
Aunt Debbie

10/1/11

Thanks for sending that Skrillex video. At first I thought it was broken, because the song sounded a bit like the Volvo did last spring, right before it broke down: womp-womp-womp-womp. Uncle Mitch informed me that it’s supposed to sound “like a dying copy machine got into a fight with Chewbacca at a haunted-house rave on Mars.” Is there anyone else you’d like to see in concert? Not sure Uncle Mitch and I could handle Skrillex for two hours. It’s a bit like The Polar Express, you know? When people get too old to hear the bell? Dubstep is our bell, love.

Miss you much,
Aunt Debbie

10/1/11

Eves—

What the hell was that video you sent us? Take it from your mother’s brother: if you want to listen to something loud that will piss off your parents, forget this Skrillex crap and listen to SLAYER instead.

SLAYERRRRRR,
Uncle Mitch

10/11/11

Good news! We got those Taylor Swift tickets you wanted. Uncle Mitch knows a guy who knows a gal and we’re going to be in the third row. Well, you and I are, Uncle Mitch refuses to come. Typical Mitch! Do you think we need to dress up? Every time I see Taylor Swift, she’s in a ball gown. I don’t want to look like a mess in comparison. If you need glitter for your hair, let me know. I think I still have some left over from a phase I went through in the late ’80s.

Love,
Aunt Debbie

10/17/11

I’m so glad you liked the show! I liked it too. She was great!

Quick question: what does “going ham” on popcorn mean? I heard someone say it at the movies the other day: “I’m about to go ham on this popcorn.” Do they put ham on popcorn? I didn’t see any at the concession stand. Sounds kind of gross!

Miss you,
Auntie D

10/26/11

Thanks for the birthday wishes! I’m about to go H.A.M. on this piece of ice cream cake. (Did I use that right? I think so.)

Love,
Aunt Debbie

10/23/11

Hey, Evelyn—

Please teach your aunt a new word. So far this week, she’s “gone ham” on the following: the vacuuming, a frozen pizza, a Joan Didion book, a crossword puzzle, 15 minutes of Just Dance 2, paying bills, and watching seven episodes of Breaking Bad in a row on Netflix. I don’t even think she’s using it right at this point. Just teach her something else, please? Make something up, if you have to. I don’t care at this point. Send her whatever you can think of.

Listen to Pink Floyd,
Uncle M.

10/27/11

Thank you so much for sending me this Kreayshawn video! She’s a riot. I really like her bow. Uncle Mitch wasn’t as impressed, and seemed a bit miffed that she said something vaguely negative about Arby’s. He really likes Arby’s. He’s probably about to go ham on some curly fries as we speak.

XO,
Aunt Debbie

P.S. How do you pronounce “Kreayshawn?” Also, what is “swag?”

11/8/11

FYI: There is a sale going on at J.Crew. Just bought two Jackie cardigans for under $70. SWAG! SWAG!

SWAG,
Aunt Swag

11/9/11

“Swag” is worse. Make it stop!

Never Mind the Bieber, Listen to the Sex Pistols,
Mitchapalooza

11/11/11

Thanks for letting me know that “swag” is over. What’s the new buzz? (Is “buzz” still a thing?)

Love,
Aunt Debbie

11/17/11

Just got back from a shopping trip to Macy’s and I have to ask: why does Justin Bieber have a fragrance? And why is the bottle reminiscent of a Georgia O’Keefe painting? Is he interested in art? Are you a fan of his? He seems like a nice young man, though I don’t care for his hairdo. Would you like a bottle of his perfume for your birthday? If not, what would you like?

Miss you tons,
Aunt Debbie

11/20/11

Happy happy! So glad you liked your gift. Uncle Mitch picked it out. Please apologize to your parents on our behalf.

Rock on,
Aunt Debbie

11/20/11

Glad you liked the guitar. Warning: if you try to learn Katy Perry songs on it, it will burst into flames.

Quadrophenia > Tommy,
Uncle Mitch

11/26/11

Finally saw Breaking Dawn!!! It was great, didn’t you think? Uncle Mitch hated it. Typical Mitch!

Team Edward,
Aunt Debbie

12/4/11

Who sings that song that goes “every day I’m shufflin’?” That is a catchy song! Is it the Black Eyed Peas? They are a lot of fun.

Everyday Shufflin’,
Aunt Debbie

12/4/11

Thanks for telling me the name of that band. How do you pronounce LMFAO? Luh-muh-foh?

Also, the Black Eyed Peas are taking a break?! Why isn’t anyone talking about this!?!?!?!

Bummed,
Aunt Debbie

12/5/11

Hey, thanks for introducing your aunt to LMFAO. This is sarcasm, by the way.

Get the Led Out,
Uncle Mitch

12/10/11

Dear Evie,

We miss you, too! We’ll see you at Christmas. It’s a three-hour drive, so we’ll definitely listen to that playlist you put together for us. Did you put a lot of LMFAO on there? I hope so. Uncle Mitch hopes so too, I’m sure. Can’t wait to see you!

Love,
Aunt Debbie

PS: What on earth is a Lana Del Rey!?!?

66 Comments

  • GloryisBen January 19th, 2012 7:16 PM

    Rolling. Laughing. This is pure gold. Had to comment. They sound like the coolest.

  • GagaMcQueen January 19th, 2012 7:16 PM

    Oh my god, I love these people! Not to sound stalkery, but can I borrow your relatives? Please? ;)

  • bunny2015 January 19th, 2012 7:16 PM

    This is too cute! I wish my Aunt and Uncle were like this!

  • Cruicked January 19th, 2012 7:19 PM

    “What on Earth is a Lana Del Rey?” was hilarious! All good but that particularly. Also, the part about the guitar bursting into flames if you play Katy Perry songs on it. Just so entertaining!

  • Maddy24 January 19th, 2012 7:22 PM

    I honestly couldn’t help but laugh at this. This made my night.

  • chilljill47 January 19th, 2012 7:24 PM

    bahaha i really wish my relatives were this hilarious

  • caro nation January 19th, 2012 7:25 PM

    AAAAAAAH, if only this were not satire. Is it?

    • Anaheed January 19th, 2012 7:59 PM

      Yep. :)

      • youarebananas January 19th, 2012 8:11 PM

        hahaha i was wondering this the whole time…if only!

      • caro nation January 21st, 2012 9:50 PM

        You clever dogs.

  • Marguerite January 19th, 2012 7:34 PM

    hehe they are so FUNNY!!!!!!

  • macipisi123 January 19th, 2012 7:34 PM

    phil daniels used to be way cuter than bieber currently is. fact.

  • Claudia January 19th, 2012 7:37 PM

    This was so hilarious! This was one of those few things on the internet that I actually made me “laugh out loud.” I loved the part about “going ham” on everything. Great post! :)

  • merciaj January 19th, 2012 7:41 PM

    screams
    uncle mitch is so cool

  • Juniper January 19th, 2012 7:42 PM

    LOL that was hilarious. Going ham…:)

  • chickencaseydilla January 19th, 2012 7:42 PM

    this is FABULOUS. my grandparents are equally as embarrassingly hilarious.

  • Emmie January 19th, 2012 7:43 PM

    I can’t tell if this is real or not. It seems too ridiculous to be real, buuuuuut you never know…

  • sandar January 19th, 2012 7:44 PM

    is this real??? if so i need more plz!!

  • sethy January 19th, 2012 7:55 PM

    Too entertaining! I wish I had relatives this hip and hilarious. Absolutely ace.

  • katie January 19th, 2012 8:03 PM

    this is the best thing ever

  • Gemma January 19th, 2012 8:18 PM

    This is the perfect excuse for homework procrastination. Thanks!

  • fizzingwhizbees January 19th, 2012 8:18 PM

    Oh my god I need these people in my life. My aunts and uncles are pretty sweet but nowhere near this hilarious.

  • missblack January 19th, 2012 8:21 PM

    “Dubstep is our bell, love” OMG so funny!!

    Also, “never mind the Bieber, listen to the Sex Pistols”. totally agree!! haha!!

    I’d been hoping for a good comedy article on Rookie, this is perfect!!

    Little&Trivial

  • Kaleidoscopeeyes January 19th, 2012 8:22 PM

    I. Love. This!

  • bedazzledbandannas January 19th, 2012 8:24 PM

    “like a dying copy machine got into a fight with Chewbacca at a haunted-house rave on Mars.”
    sounds pretty accurate. I love this!

  • Hazel January 19th, 2012 8:35 PM

    BEST. POST. EVER.

  • TAUA January 19th, 2012 8:36 PM

    bahahahahaha it would be delightful to have family members like this instead of grumpy gingers.

  • Maddy January 19th, 2012 8:37 PM

    I honestly had to look up every other reference. Going HAM on Urban Dictionary…

  • bummersummer January 19th, 2012 8:41 PM

    Omg. This was too funny, I can’t even.

  • impromptulove January 19th, 2012 9:24 PM

    I do not even believe you. You know those fanfics people write that consist entirely of letters or emails? This sounds like one of those, between a pure-blood wizard and a muggle-born or something. “Can you explain spark plugs, please?”

    And I mean all this in the best of ways. :)

    • impromptulove January 19th, 2012 9:25 PM

      Oh, good, I see now that this is satire and I feel good about my accurate suspicions :).

  • MADZ. January 19th, 2012 9:36 PM

    BAHA “What on Earth is a Lana Del Rey?” (By the way, silently judging the whole JoBros concert ordeal)

  • Cassanova January 19th, 2012 9:40 PM

    I feel like Uncle Mitch and I would get along quite nicely.

  • I.ila January 19th, 2012 9:47 PM

    this really made my day wonderful. glitter-ful.

  • Ginny January 19th, 2012 9:49 PM

    “Going ham” on a Joan Didion book omg

  • elenamarie January 19th, 2012 10:00 PM

    Hahahahahahaah! I love this! Some adults are solo clueless ;)

  • marimba_girl January 19th, 2012 10:13 PM

    Hahaha! My Aunt and Uncle are exactly like this! I legit get emails that look just like this, it’s actually kind of frightening.

  • Laia January 19th, 2012 10:28 PM

    L O V E everything about this.

    swag swag swag swag

  • January 19th, 2012 10:35 PM

    Love them both…

    Mitch’s clever word play: “Never Mind the Bieber, Listen to the Sex Pistols”

    And I think Auntie Deb’s right on the money about J.B’s interest in art. When it comes out, I’m sure his fragrance for men will look a lot like a Henry Moore sculpture.

  • waywaw January 19th, 2012 11:15 PM

    Dear Pixie,

    so like these people aren’t real…

    but can you PLZ post more, I never want to lose contact with them. even tho they are as real as the people in my programs.

    if it weren’t for tags you coulda been my james frey and i wouln’t have cared. pre oprah.

  • supdudebro January 19th, 2012 11:22 PM

    compile a book of this i will buy ten thousand copies

  • Danaa January 19th, 2012 11:29 PM

    Aunt Swag. Brb peeing myself

  • SweetThangVintage January 19th, 2012 11:35 PM

    This was so funny!

    Swag,
    SweetThang

    http://www.etsy.com/shop/SweetThangVintage

  • Adrienne January 20th, 2012 12:03 AM

    This was so funny! Omg, this reminds me of my dad and trying to keep up with pop culture. Hilarious!

  • Emilie January 20th, 2012 1:13 AM

    Also, the Black Eyed Peas are taking a break?! Why isn’t anyone talking about this!?!?!?!

    Bummed,
    Aunt Debbie

    Not positive, but pretty sure I just sharted mah pants.

  • Susann January 20th, 2012 1:38 AM

    Haha – this is amazing! Wish I had relatives like them ;)

    http://fashioninpepperland.blogspot.com

  • kittenpuke January 20th, 2012 2:43 AM

    can i have an aunty and uncle like these please???

  • timelady January 20th, 2012 3:57 AM

    Oh my gosh. I love the uncle’s taste in music. Sex Pistols and Led Zeppelin, yeah! This is hilarious. Nevermind the Bullocks is the same as Nevermind the Bieber. Obviously.

  • Liis January 20th, 2012 7:04 AM

    This was so much fun to read.
    Reminds me of my great aunt. I send her my artwork and write about the things I’m into. Like when I told her I painted Florence Welch, she googled her and said she sounds like Joan Armatrading.
    It’s sad that we live so far apart.

  • clairem January 20th, 2012 9:21 AM

    uncle mitch seems pretty cool. SWAG!

  • Jamie January 20th, 2012 9:50 AM

    laughing audibly at this. what is an LOL?

    love,
    aunt debbie

  • EnidEnvy January 20th, 2012 11:43 AM

    Good lord, I hope these are all real! These are amazing. Though, I have to agree with Uncle Mitch about all of the music stuff. Except for Taylor Swift. I love her.

  • taste test January 20th, 2012 1:16 PM

    This was absolutely hilarious. Aunt Debbie’s messages were hilarious (I died when I noticed Aunt Swag), but the annoyed emails from Uncle Mitch mixed in with them made it. He sounds like my dad.

  • KayKay January 20th, 2012 2:17 PM

    They seem like an amazing aunt and uncle to have!! Haha, so funny!!
    My parents are exactly the same, like when we went to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 my mom kept confusing Voldemort, Dumbledore and Snape!!
    My friend’s dad heard Beyonce on the radio and was like “I really like Boincy” (Yes, he really pronounced her name like that)…

  • hazeleyedgirl January 20th, 2012 2:47 PM

    God this made my day. Why do I not have any awesome relatives? THE UNFAIRNESS OF IT ALL.

  • maggiemadge January 20th, 2012 4:16 PM

    I was reading this at my school’s library trying so hard not to burst out laughing. Your relatives are a riot (is “riot” still in?) They sound like a lot of fun to be around. Please post some more! GO HAM on this!

  • mollymolly January 20th, 2012 7:32 PM

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  • clarapop January 20th, 2012 10:09 PM

    The coolest!

  • maddzwx January 20th, 2012 10:27 PM

    :) Reading the emails from Aunt Debbie made me think of the mom celebrity translator SNL skit.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiOMlcDihd4

  • annamarie January 21st, 2012 3:50 AM

    I want to paint these emails on public buildings so everyone can experience the brilliance of Aunt Swag and Mitchapalooza.

    I really hope they are real.

  • KinuKinu January 21st, 2012 7:12 PM

    luh-muh-foh ……SO FUNNY!!

  • Sphinx January 22nd, 2012 5:04 PM

    This is the best.
    I love uncle Mitch!

  • Rena January 23rd, 2012 9:01 PM

    Uncle Mitch is my hero. If these are fictional I will probably cry nonfictional tears.