Fun

Christmas Is Creepy

Disagree? Read on.

You know that feeling when you’re walking on a dark street, and it’s almost Christmas, and it’s just snowed, and white lights are twinkling on trees around the neighborhood and everyone’s house is lit up?

Warm, golden light shines out of living rooms and apartment windows, spilling over onto the shadowy street; you take a deep breath and the air freezes in your lungs. You hear far-off laughter as you step, crunchingly, into the snow.

Everything feels new; more alive. The night is wonderfully exciting. Your cheeks are red. Your fingers are numb. Ten minutes outside without a coat could kill you.

As you look at the lights, and the bustling sidewalks, it all seems so familiar. Eerily familiar, no? And…why is everyone singing in unison? Pretending to be happy even if they’re dead inside? What IS this???

That feeling, that shivery, magical, WTF feeling, is you catching on to the creepiness of Christmas.

Christmas is inherently creepy, and here are three reasons why.

1. Any time a children’s choir sings, it’s creepy.

Specifically, a boys’ choir. An English boys’ choir is the creepiest of creepy. Even just a single English boy will do it. There’s just something about a troop of angelic, white-robed cherubs going “ahhhhh” that raises the hair on the back of the necks of people around the world. Those soaring, high, pure notes? Doesn’t it sound sad? Doesn’t it sound innocent?

It would not be possible to count the number of horror movies that use boys’ choirs as the background music while something terrible happens onscreen.

2. The Christmas season happens during the darkest (and most deadly) days of the year.

In ancient times, communities celebrated winter solstice (the shortest day and longest night of the year; often thought of as the pagan pre-Christmas) with a huge feast and celebration before deep winter hit—otherwise known as the last big party before lots of people starved to death or died from the elements.

Put on your most festive sweaters, kids, because you may never see one another again.

3. The star of Christmas present-giving, Santa Claus himself, is a VERY SCARY MAN.

Santa is creepy enough as it is. Here’s a strange, large, hairy man who can get into your house no matter what. Locks and secured entryways mean nothing to him. He laughs at sealed windows and fifth-floor walkups.

Santa knows what you’ve been doing. He’s been watching you.

Along with doling out gifts to good children, Santa has also been known in cultures around the world to beat the crap out of “bad” children. Kids cry when you put them on his lap for a reason. Do yourself a favor and don’t Google “Krampus,” Santa Claus’s helper in Austria and Bavaria.

In conclusion:

Christmas is creepy. Christmas involves eerie songs in a minor key like “Carol of the Bells” sung into the frosty dark night. Christmas means feasting now so you have enough fat to last through the winter. Christmas means watching your parents “suddenly notice” they’re standing under mistletoe, and then do something about it.

I’m getting shivers just thinking about it. ♦

35 Comments

  • cherrycola27 December 21st, 2011 11:11 PM

    How have I never heard about Krampus? That’s easily the most frightening creature to ever exist in kids’ stories. Glad I never heard about it when I was little!

  • Brit December 21st, 2011 11:18 PM

    I live in Australia, so my Christmas’ usually consist of BBQs and the beach.
    Having one of these Snowy, Creepy, Dark Christmas’ would be super brilliant.

    • Narnie December 22nd, 2011 1:10 AM

      Agreed! I’m from Australia too, and I’m totally over summer Christmas.

    • Minna December 23rd, 2011 5:17 AM

      Totally. Christmas is sweaty over here

      • Anaheed December 24th, 2011 3:54 AM

        I’m going to Australia next month, and I have to say that all of this complaining about the HOT WEATHER is getting me really excited. (It is FREEZING in NY tonight.)

  • darksideoftherainbow December 21st, 2011 11:31 PM

    All these years of living and I had never heard of Krampus. He’s one scary dude! <3'd this! Children's choirs? Cry Little Sister, anyone? Thats what my mind immediately went to…can't help it, I have a LOST BOYS obsession!

  • erin December 21st, 2011 11:52 PM

    that reminds me of today in English, when we were given a fun little holiday worksheet. It included a letter where Santa wrote back to a certain little girl saying that they should “meet up”. It was so scary, like a template letter a pedophile would use to get children to trust him.

  • peter the wild boy December 22nd, 2011 12:09 AM

    looked up krampus and found this lovely Krampuskarten greeting card…

    http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/a8/Krampus-Postkarte_um_1900.jpg

    merry christmas!

  • nana December 22nd, 2011 12:13 AM

    I once went to a Krampus procession in a little village in Austria with my best friend. It was at midnight in front of the church… We thought we were stuck in a nightmare! These Krampusmonsters were chasing and hitting us with a rod! Seriously. That was the most traumatizing experience in my life…I totally agree that Christmas is creepy! ( especially in Austria… )

  • taste test December 22nd, 2011 12:44 AM

    I can’t figure out how to reply to posts, so, um, this is directed to peter the wild boy:

    omfg that greeting card is awful and hilarious. I think I will definitely print that out and give it to an unsuspecting friend.

  • KayKay December 22nd, 2011 2:52 AM

    In Switzerland we have something/someone similar to Krampus called “Schmutzli”. He’s pretty scary..
    What’s even scarier than Christmas is the “Basler Fasnacht”!
    There’s also a Fasnacht in Schaan, Liechtenstein, and these people dressed as witches come around, grab you and put you in to this cage on one of the parade wagons.

  • timelady December 22nd, 2011 4:11 AM

    Christmas is creepy. Here in the Czech Republic, people dress up as angels or devils and go around door to door making kids recite poems or sing, lest they get no treats. My little cousin is frightened by it. And on Easter little boys hit little girls with sticks and girls throw buckets of water on them. Mind you, this is my first year here, so I’m not too sure on the details.

  • cheesekate December 22nd, 2011 4:21 AM

    Santa IS scary. Watch ‘Rare Exports’ and you’ll see….

  • juliette December 22nd, 2011 6:10 AM

    Christmas in Australia is usually like 40 degrees celsius.. but this year it’s not hot.. or cold.. just nothing, kinda rainy. I guess that’s kinda creepy?

  • Arwen December 22nd, 2011 9:34 AM

    lucklily I’M JEWISH so I don’t have to deal with this stuff! But it sounds terrifying!

    thejulietteblog.blogspot.com

    • Tavi December 22nd, 2011 9:41 AM

      happy 3rd night of hanukkah, fellow jew!

  • Roz G. December 22nd, 2011 12:12 PM

    I live in a Mexican city that has pretty much the same climate all year round so I’ve never really had a snowed- in -creepy- christmas either! It sounds awesome though!

  • Lulli December 22nd, 2011 12:13 PM

    i wish i could have one of those scary, white christmases. being in summer isn’t that creepy

  • Abby December 22nd, 2011 12:13 PM

    Against your fine advice, I looked up Krampus, and when I saw a picture I jumped… WAY TO GO. NOW I HATE CHRISTMAS.

  • Veganpop December 22nd, 2011 12:33 PM

    My family celebrates the Winter Solstice! Last year I gave everyone in my family a picture of their favorite celebrity with a stick on mustache on it.
    Best holiday ever!

  • jadeione December 22nd, 2011 1:47 PM

    I’ve always hated Christmas. It just plain freaks me out. Even though the main scare factor for me is seeing all of my estranged family members.

  • ai-ai December 22nd, 2011 4:48 PM

    In Finland we have a truly creepy Christmas… I just took my dog for a walk in the woods. Everything was covered in snow and it was completely silent, and occassionally I could see colourful lights shining from backyards. It was so magical and creepy at the same time.

  • Juli December 22nd, 2011 7:26 PM

    This made me laugh SO HARD. The mixture of the “Snowman” soundtrack (one of my favourite folksy kid films, btw) and festive-coloured words warning Christmas fatality just made my day. Thank you.

    On a more serious (eh..not really) note, I have heard of Krampus. My dad grew up in a very German household where the tale of Krampus was alive and well among children. One time he broke a window with a baseball (typical boy, hey?) so as a joke, his father gathered him into a burlap sack at night (as “Krampus”, of course). Let’s just say, by the end of it, the burlap sack was soaked through with…yeah.

    Anyway, thanks for the laugh.

  • Zayin December 22nd, 2011 7:26 PM

    Australian Christmases aren’t creepy–they’re wierd. We have extremely hot, humid, uncomfortable weather (40C+) and houses decorated with fake snow and other wintery decorations. Santas sweat in their hot red suits. People go swimming at the beach, get sunburnt and eat hot food like turkey, roast ham and Christmas pudding that has been set alight, while people die in bushfires. Some people have just given up and eat mangoes, prawns and Xmas pudding made of icecream.

  • Ruby B. December 22nd, 2011 7:30 PM

    I shouldn’t have Googled Krampus…

  • fizzingwhizbees December 22nd, 2011 7:41 PM

    Now I feel like I’m in the minority for absolutely loving Christmas (and boy sopranos) :/

  • julalondon December 23rd, 2011 4:46 AM

    How is it possible that im actually GERMAN but never heard of KRAMPUS in my entire life???? Thank you mum & dad..=)

  • Izzy December 23rd, 2011 12:32 PM

    Krampus seems such a nice, kind, charming sort of person. SUCH a shame I never knew about him when I was eight!
    *wipes sarcasm off chin*

  • Zsofi December 23rd, 2011 5:31 PM

    Krampus also exists in Hungary! Here, Santa Claus is coming on the 6th of december, and the Krampus are his helpers who give children sticks (like this: http://www.ajandek.shop.hu/pictures/689377.jpg) if they behave badly… Of course, these are only symbolic, but it still feels pretty shitty when you get something like that from Santa Claus! In Hungary, it’s the baby Jesus who gives children presents on the 24th of december, which is also pretty creepy in my opinion… as a child I kind of imagined a flying baby zombie, or something like that!

  • I.ila December 23rd, 2011 7:51 PM

    I do dislike the people who are fakey christmas, including the annoying mechanized Santas, but I LOVE carol of the bells.

  • hazeleyedgirl December 24th, 2011 2:51 AM

    Being from a snowy place, I agree that it makes Christmas pretty scary. But not because it’s dark- it’s the fear of falling flat on your face and being buried under four feet of snow. NOT NICE.

    Luckily, it hasn’t snowed this year :D
    If it snows next Christmas, I will HAPPILY swap any Aussie who happens to be bored with sunshine and barbecues- though I don’t see why you would be!

  • Bean December 24th, 2011 1:36 PM

    My german teacher talked to all her friends (who are also all from german speaking countries) and none of them have ever heard of the krampus. It’s taught here when we learn about other countries culture but i’m starting to believe we’re still teaching things that are no longer representative of other cultures. Just a note i felt was worth leaving.

  • Razzmatazzberry December 25th, 2011 10:47 PM

    I love Christmas (despite the being Jewish factor), but gosh, I mean you know those light up deer? That people put on their front yard? I swear, one night I was walking home and they were bobbing their heads! Adding this to the isolation of walking alone on the dark, silent streets of a suburban neighborhood was enough to speed up my pace.