Dear Diary

November 9, 2011

This week: Loneliness, and cures for some.

Naomi

I saw a boy waiting by a desk in the library perched on his skateboard. The next night he was in my dream, clear as day—cap, skateboard, and all. Every friend that I was thinking of the day before was there too, plus a girl I don’t like who was pinching and poking me the whole time. This all happened in the corridors of the school I used to go to. The one I don’t go to anymore because of anxiety, depression, and chronic fatigue. I was back in the school hall, with its tall arched ceiling, for the first time in ages and it felt so real. Strangely, I wasn’t scared or nervous like I often was at school. It almost felt good to be back.

It’s hard not to feel isolated with no school and no job to go to. I’ve had almost four years of it now, so I suppose I’m used to it. I enjoy being alone, but I also really enjoy company and I don’t think I ever have enough of it. It’s hard to admit that. It’s hard to be honest about feeling lonely.

Even when I used to go to school, I got lonely sometimes. I think everyone feels that from time to time, the sensation of being alone in a crowd. But sometimes I wonder, if so many people on the earth feel lonely deep down, then where is the hope? I wonder if I should just accept lonesomeness as my natural state. The few friends I have have so much schoolwork to do and then they have a whole group, from school, of friends and boyfriends etc. Their life is a Venn diagram, and I am just a small circle among many, overlapping with few.

With some of my friendships, I’ve felt like I put in a lot more than what I got out. I’ve been the one to instigate all communication; I was always the one arranging things to do. It’s hard to discern if people are worth the effort when you are doing all the work. Maybe I was just more invested in these friendships, while the other person had lots of equally important friendships to pay attention to. Maybe people stopped inviting me to things because when I was first ill (with CFS) I kept on having to say no.

The fifth of November was Bonfire Night here in England, aka Guy Fawkes Night. It’s quite a strange celebration, with people burning effigies of Guy Fawkes, a Catholic man who tried (and failed) to blow up the House of Lords and kill the King. Nowadays it’s usually just about the fireworks. I was having a tough day, and I could feel hints of depression rising to the surface. But then me, Mum, and Dad did some underwhelming fireworks in the back garden and waved some sparklers about. It wasn’t raining and the moon was out and shining, so it wasn’t bad at all.

I thought back to one of my favourite Bonfire Nights, with my primary-school friend Hannah, whom I haven’t seen since we started attending separate secondary schools. We went to a public bonfire—Hannah, her dad, and I. That was a clear night as well, and there was so much excitement in the air. On the way back in their little car we got mounds of fast food. It doesn’t sound very special when I describe it, but I enjoy things the most when they are just ordinary. And when something has been just ordinary you can’t really explain to anyone why it was so lovely. I guess I was never lonely with Hannah. ♦

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24 Comments

  • sobrina November 9th, 2011 7:16 PM

    Katherine, the French way sounds infinitely better (not to mention that everyone would be speaking French, so, yeah.) It’s not hard to strike up a conversation with someone here, but it never goes beyond that, and since I’m chronically awkward (and not in a cute manic-pixie way,) small talk is DEATH for me.

    Hence, I have very few people I consider my friends… but I’m SO close to them. So that’s nice, I guess.

    I love these diaries. They make me feel less lonely, so thanks for that. :]

  • puffytoad November 9th, 2011 7:25 PM

    I haven’t been alone for four years so I don’t know what that’s like, but I am lonely most of the time. When the loneliness is really bad it feels like my body is consuming itself from the inside out.

  • emilyelizabeth November 9th, 2011 7:28 PM

    dylan, this totally brightened my day! totally awesome movie like boy crush things CAN happen in real life!!!!

    katherine, i know what you mean about having people you can talk to and laugh with but who you don’t really know (and they don’t really know you). i transferred to a new college this semester and i feel like that a lot!

  • Marguerite November 9th, 2011 7:35 PM

    Yes, i agree with the friends thing, but unfortunately it is the american way for me (and i don’t even live in america!). Oh, and last night I had a dream with all of my friends in it, and everything i was thinking about before going to bed (NCIS and Breaking Dawn)… thats CREEPY, or maybe these things happen all the time…

    • Naomi November 10th, 2011 5:41 AM

      i like that you dreamt about NCIS

  • Nomi November 9th, 2011 7:58 PM

    Oh my god.
    like, today was actually such a bad day for me. Nothing went wrong, I should have been happy, I should always be happy now that my hellish eighth grade year is done. But I was just so sad all day. I felt so lonely, like no one would care if I just disappeared, like I was so boring and incompetent. I’ve been feeling this way ever since I found out my great uncle, whom Ive never met since infanthood, committed suicide, and it brought back a flood of memories from when I used to feel that way four years ago.
    And then I come home and I read this, and even seeing the description–”This week: Loneliness and cures for same”–well, I almost started crying because it was exactly what I needed. Katherine, I loved your analogy about the stars, and Naomi, I totally know how it feels to be the more engaged friend. This weeks diaries were exactly what I needed, especially considering this months theme was Girl Gangs and I’m starting to feel friendless again even though my rational mind KNOWS i’m not. I’m a sick messed up creature, but at least I’m not the only lonely one. :)

  • darksideoftherainbow November 9th, 2011 8:19 PM

    dylan-at first i was kind of bummed that you didn’t end up moving in with your friend. but then i was like, well this stopped her from having to make that hard desicion! i totally understand the different points in life deal! and by the way…you made me miss 19 where microwave popcorn was breakfast <3

    • Dylan November 11th, 2011 9:42 PM

      totally, but now I’m moving in with two girls from my school, one who was my roommate freshman year and one of my best friends, and another really really cool babe. it’s a better roommate situation, even though I won’t be living with my bffl4evr, which is totally chilllll, man. just doing what’s best for all of the everbodies!

  • darksideoftherainbow November 9th, 2011 8:25 PM

    oh my goodness, dylan…you’re having the best life ever!!! i’m so happy for you!

  • fizzingwhizbees November 9th, 2011 8:51 PM

    Literally having the nineteen-year-old salt-and-vinegar-chips-for-dinner night right now.

  • Ruby B. November 9th, 2011 9:53 PM

    Dylan, that sounds so awesome, I’m so happy for you!!

    Ruby
    therubylotus.wordpress.com

  • Chimdi November 9th, 2011 10:58 PM

    Naomi’s diary entry = SO RELATABLE

  • Chandler November 10th, 2011 1:09 AM

    Some of these stories really related to me such as Katherine’s story. I really like how Rookie posts things that pretty much everyone can relate too.

  • NJJ November 10th, 2011 4:18 AM

    Aaw what a wonderfull teenmovie you are living at the moment <3 sweet. I love it when I meet a person who has the nerves to listen me explain all about my vinyls and fave movies.

    I believe that we all should live our lives in a way that they´ll make a interesting movie :D it aint that hard when U just let go of your fears and flow from the heart <3

    http://steamedsnowpeas.blogspot.com/

  • Naomi November 10th, 2011 5:41 AM

    Me and Katherine are starting to synchronise!

  • WitchesRave November 10th, 2011 11:31 AM

    Presently I feel like Naomi (minus the homeschool) but Dylan is bascially living out my dream future..

    I live for these Diaries and i think you guys are soo brave and honest to share them with us… :)

  • erin November 10th, 2011 12:55 PM

    So pretty much I love Katherine’s post… It’s like how I think all the time. I feel like, sort of detached all the time, but it’s not like a jerky, selfish, emo “No one could possibly understand me” kind of thing, it’s just like an observation that is kind of bothersome. But also, my BFFL (she’s going to read this probably and laugh at that term) “party” it up all the time. Movie watching… lurking around her living room at late hours. Making pom poms. Oh wait. We’ve even done the whole “lets drive around and find something to do” thing, but it was our other friend that was making us, and I was peeved when we finally settled down to watch a movie, because I lost so much gas :( oh look at me, thinking like a grown up person and caring about such things as economy (is that the right term?) anyways, totally related to Katherine’s post. So yeah.

  • akward teen November 10th, 2011 1:55 PM

    I totally agree with this! I’m from England, but I guess it’s pretty much the same over here. I have tons of friends as well, but I never really get to know them, and none of them really know me. Its really hard to explain and all, but I wish that I also had some really close friends who actually cared and knew me really well!

  • Juniper November 10th, 2011 4:06 PM

    I know EXACTLY how you feel Katherine! I go to a reaaaly small school,
    and sometimes i just look down the hall and realize I know everyone, but I hardly KNOW anyone.

  • julalondon November 11th, 2011 1:29 PM

    Dylan i can so relate to you. Sometimes your life is just amazing and it feels like a movie and you just wish there was some music playing while your having those special ‘moments’!

  • cancercowboy November 11th, 2011 3:47 PM

    emotional roller coaster ride. thanks for being so honest and open to your audience. all the best!

  • athenagrace November 14th, 2011 12:20 AM

    Reading all of these at the end of my day make me feel less lonely. Thank you guys!

  • kmm November 19th, 2011 8:30 AM

    I have been living in France for the past 11months and have found what Katherines French teacher said very true… people seem to keep their distance intially and it was really hard at the start, but taking the time to actually get to know people i have found some really speacial soul-matey friends :)