Dear Diary

November 9, 2011

This week: Loneliness, and cures for some.

Dylan

Who doesn’t imagine their life as a movie sometimes? Don’t you carefully choose the soundtrack for certain sentimental moments, or sometimes stare out the coffee-shop window watching the rain fall on a red chair outside, and imagine what a beautiful shot it would be? It can’t be just me (OK, maybe that last part, since I’m doing exactly that right now), because I can’t be the only, or even the most, romantic teenager in the world. I have your number, fellow dreamers.

I would not be surprised if every moment of this past week in my life came to theaters near you, because everything felt scripted and kind of stupidly romantic. There were protests, milkshakes, and boy times. Let me know if you want to buy the rights to my life to write the cutest screenplay ever, ALL ABOUT ME.

I went to Occupy Oakland last Wednesday and spent a few hours following the marches and surveying the camp. I sent my teachers an email that morning, informing them that because that there was basically world-headline news happening five blocks from my front door, I was going skip their classes and check it out! Some of my friends went because they were passionate about the issues around the demonstration, but I mostly just observed and documented. Besides the handful of assholes who apparently believed that smashing a ton of windows and stuff was a really good move (no, everyone’s pissed at you), the overall scene was pretty neat. It’s not often you see your city’s downtown filled with thousands of people saying something important. There were tons of bikes, surprisingly nice free food, abundant pot smoke in the air, and hella posi vibez. (Those would change when night fell, and the cops brought out the tear gas and the rubber bullets: see this story.)

There’s something infectious about a public protest. It reminds you of a past that maybe our parents were part of, or watched unfold. Even my dad, whose job as I understand it is basically to be a sucker for this whole Wall Street scene, told me that Occupy Oakland reminded him of the things he saw in college in the late ’60s. Uprisings are always sentimental for that reason, and those romantic vibes lingered in the air, mixing with tear gas.

The next night I met up with Sara, one of my best friends—the one I was planning on moving in with. We’ve since decided to do separate things, partly because of different Bay Area city preferences; and party because she’s in her mid-20s and has a real job and wants to live like an actual adult while I’m still in my “I’m 19, life is fun and crazy, woooo college woooo art school, I usually just eat candy for dinner” phase of life. But we still hang out weekly.

We went to a rock show together, and guess who showed up? My long-haired crush boy. We made plans to see each other the next day and then I ran to Sara’s car to hide and giggle because I’m never going to grow up and aaaaah, crush boy!!

The next day I basically looked at the clock every other minute until I was finally out of class and free to meet up with him. It didn’t matter, because when I got home around 8:30, he couldn’t meet up until a few hours later because of band practice (OH MY GOD BAND PRACTICE). We eventually met at the extremely shady drive-in around the corner from me. I got a milkshake and we walked back to my house together.

At my place, I turned on my Christmas lights, worked on my milkshake, and watched him flip through my vinyl, talking about his favorite tracks on each record. Normally I can somewhat fluently engage in such conversations, especially when they’re my own damn records. But I have such a dumb crush and I mostly just nodded and went “uhuh!” because, um, I’m a baby who can’t speak English when confronted with a Crushing Subject in Bedroom. We finally settled on top of my bed and talked about stuff we have in common, like how we are both the same age, and how unusual it is for us to be hanging with people our own age. It took a few awkward silences for the inevitable to happen, but then we finally kissed.

He spent the night. I skipped my noon class. Every little thing he said or did during our time together was just like, who does this in real life? Who is smart enough to be this cute? In the morning we traded off sharing favorite rarities on YouTube or random ’60s garage tracks that I ripped off compilations, like a 21st century version of a high school crush mixtape. We didn’t get out of bed until 4 PM. Neither of us wanted to let go, so we didn’t.

He played me a lot of songs, but this is the one that I can’t stop playing. Between meeting him at a drive-in burger joint and him being in this constantly touring rock and roll band and smoking weed in my bed at 3 AM and texting him during lectures…I feel like I’m the lead in some wistful teen movie.

As if things could possibly get any better, in the late afternoon I looked at an apartment with a couple of my friends (in front of whom Crush Boy KISSED ME goodbye). It was the apartment that dreams are made of: top floor, bay window, fire escape (for early morning feet dangling smoking coffee drinking), refinished hardwoods, backyard, DISHWASHER. Now we’re just waiting to get approved by the landlord.

The protest, the new boy, the dream apartment. None of this feels real. But it is. And it’s happening to me. ♦

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24 Comments

  • sobrina November 9th, 2011 7:16 PM

    Katherine, the French way sounds infinitely better (not to mention that everyone would be speaking French, so, yeah.) It’s not hard to strike up a conversation with someone here, but it never goes beyond that, and since I’m chronically awkward (and not in a cute manic-pixie way,) small talk is DEATH for me.

    Hence, I have very few people I consider my friends… but I’m SO close to them. So that’s nice, I guess.

    I love these diaries. They make me feel less lonely, so thanks for that. :]

  • puffytoad November 9th, 2011 7:25 PM

    I haven’t been alone for four years so I don’t know what that’s like, but I am lonely most of the time. When the loneliness is really bad it feels like my body is consuming itself from the inside out.

  • emilyelizabeth November 9th, 2011 7:28 PM

    dylan, this totally brightened my day! totally awesome movie like boy crush things CAN happen in real life!!!!

    katherine, i know what you mean about having people you can talk to and laugh with but who you don’t really know (and they don’t really know you). i transferred to a new college this semester and i feel like that a lot!

  • Marguerite November 9th, 2011 7:35 PM

    Yes, i agree with the friends thing, but unfortunately it is the american way for me (and i don’t even live in america!). Oh, and last night I had a dream with all of my friends in it, and everything i was thinking about before going to bed (NCIS and Breaking Dawn)… thats CREEPY, or maybe these things happen all the time…

    • Naomi November 10th, 2011 5:41 AM

      i like that you dreamt about NCIS

  • Nomi November 9th, 2011 7:58 PM

    Oh my god.
    like, today was actually such a bad day for me. Nothing went wrong, I should have been happy, I should always be happy now that my hellish eighth grade year is done. But I was just so sad all day. I felt so lonely, like no one would care if I just disappeared, like I was so boring and incompetent. I’ve been feeling this way ever since I found out my great uncle, whom Ive never met since infanthood, committed suicide, and it brought back a flood of memories from when I used to feel that way four years ago.
    And then I come home and I read this, and even seeing the description–”This week: Loneliness and cures for same”–well, I almost started crying because it was exactly what I needed. Katherine, I loved your analogy about the stars, and Naomi, I totally know how it feels to be the more engaged friend. This weeks diaries were exactly what I needed, especially considering this months theme was Girl Gangs and I’m starting to feel friendless again even though my rational mind KNOWS i’m not. I’m a sick messed up creature, but at least I’m not the only lonely one. :)

  • darksideoftherainbow November 9th, 2011 8:19 PM

    dylan-at first i was kind of bummed that you didn’t end up moving in with your friend. but then i was like, well this stopped her from having to make that hard desicion! i totally understand the different points in life deal! and by the way…you made me miss 19 where microwave popcorn was breakfast <3

    • Dylan November 11th, 2011 9:42 PM

      totally, but now I’m moving in with two girls from my school, one who was my roommate freshman year and one of my best friends, and another really really cool babe. it’s a better roommate situation, even though I won’t be living with my bffl4evr, which is totally chilllll, man. just doing what’s best for all of the everbodies!

  • darksideoftherainbow November 9th, 2011 8:25 PM

    oh my goodness, dylan…you’re having the best life ever!!! i’m so happy for you!

  • fizzingwhizbees November 9th, 2011 8:51 PM

    Literally having the nineteen-year-old salt-and-vinegar-chips-for-dinner night right now.

  • Ruby B. November 9th, 2011 9:53 PM

    Dylan, that sounds so awesome, I’m so happy for you!!

    Ruby
    therubylotus.wordpress.com

  • Chimdi November 9th, 2011 10:58 PM

    Naomi’s diary entry = SO RELATABLE

  • Chandler November 10th, 2011 1:09 AM

    Some of these stories really related to me such as Katherine’s story. I really like how Rookie posts things that pretty much everyone can relate too.

  • NJJ November 10th, 2011 4:18 AM

    Aaw what a wonderfull teenmovie you are living at the moment <3 sweet. I love it when I meet a person who has the nerves to listen me explain all about my vinyls and fave movies.

    I believe that we all should live our lives in a way that they´ll make a interesting movie :D it aint that hard when U just let go of your fears and flow from the heart <3

    http://steamedsnowpeas.blogspot.com/

  • Naomi November 10th, 2011 5:41 AM

    Me and Katherine are starting to synchronise!

  • WitchesRave November 10th, 2011 11:31 AM

    Presently I feel like Naomi (minus the homeschool) but Dylan is bascially living out my dream future..

    I live for these Diaries and i think you guys are soo brave and honest to share them with us… :)

  • erin November 10th, 2011 12:55 PM

    So pretty much I love Katherine’s post… It’s like how I think all the time. I feel like, sort of detached all the time, but it’s not like a jerky, selfish, emo “No one could possibly understand me” kind of thing, it’s just like an observation that is kind of bothersome. But also, my BFFL (she’s going to read this probably and laugh at that term) “party” it up all the time. Movie watching… lurking around her living room at late hours. Making pom poms. Oh wait. We’ve even done the whole “lets drive around and find something to do” thing, but it was our other friend that was making us, and I was peeved when we finally settled down to watch a movie, because I lost so much gas :( oh look at me, thinking like a grown up person and caring about such things as economy (is that the right term?) anyways, totally related to Katherine’s post. So yeah.

  • akward teen November 10th, 2011 1:55 PM

    I totally agree with this! I’m from England, but I guess it’s pretty much the same over here. I have tons of friends as well, but I never really get to know them, and none of them really know me. Its really hard to explain and all, but I wish that I also had some really close friends who actually cared and knew me really well!

  • Juniper November 10th, 2011 4:06 PM

    I know EXACTLY how you feel Katherine! I go to a reaaaly small school,
    and sometimes i just look down the hall and realize I know everyone, but I hardly KNOW anyone.

  • julalondon November 11th, 2011 1:29 PM

    Dylan i can so relate to you. Sometimes your life is just amazing and it feels like a movie and you just wish there was some music playing while your having those special ‘moments’!

  • cancercowboy November 11th, 2011 3:47 PM

    emotional roller coaster ride. thanks for being so honest and open to your audience. all the best!

  • athenagrace November 14th, 2011 12:20 AM

    Reading all of these at the end of my day make me feel less lonely. Thank you guys!

  • kmm November 19th, 2011 8:30 AM

    I have been living in France for the past 11months and have found what Katherines French teacher said very true… people seem to keep their distance intially and it was really hard at the start, but taking the time to actually get to know people i have found some really speacial soul-matey friends :)