Fun

McChill’s Christmas Wishlist

Our favorite bro is back to share what he really wants this holiday season.

Hey bras!

(Ha-ha, boobies.)

Back by poopular (POOPular) demand, it’s me, Chill McChillson! Your favorite 7th grade boii. Since we last talked, I have moved from Seventeen to Cosmopolitan, and they are really into giving women the FYI of “what men want,” so here is a wishlist of stuff I want for Christmas this year! I know Thanksgiving isn’t even till next week, but it’s always the right season for some more Axe.

But I’m not asking for just some deo-cologne. What do you think this is, Hanukkah? (JK, I love da jews!) (No homo.) No, I have other things in mind. Things like…

A SICK-ASS CAR, ayyyy up high. 100% rubber tires, my nickname spray-painted across the side in metallic SILVER, and everything on the inside covered in snakeskin spray-painted the same way. I’m still 12 though (don’t worry, older girls are cool ;)), so it’ll just have to wait for me to turn 16. Until then, I can keep it in…

THIS TIGHT-ASS BACHELOR PAD. I don’t know where it is or how much it costs or anything, but I have always thought it would be cool to own a house like my hero Charlie Sheen’s character on Two and a Half Men, so I Googled “house” and this came up. Yeah, I wanna be like that boss Charlie Harper (RIP <3) AND I know how to use Google. I'm not just super hawt, I'm smart, too. Ayyy up high.

And what bachelor would be complete without a bitchin' sidekick?

Girls really like animals. Sometimes I see girls post pictures to Facebook of like, Ryan Gosling holding a puppy, and then they all flip out together. It’s not crazy, I mean, I agree that, yes, Ryan Gosling is about the sexiest person on the face of the earth and, given the opportunity, I would probs def totes ma-scrotes make out with him. (No homo.) But for some reason the fact that he’s holding some little furry asshole really makes the ladies swoon. So, when girls come over, I want them to see I’m loving and caring, cuz I got a dawg. With a tight lil fedora. You know I’d never let one of my bros go without a fedora, pfft.

Including myself!

The pix wouldn't save so I had to screenshot it. Remember that time I used Google, also? Hawt but smart. Still. Pfft.

The fedora, case you didn’t know, is a classic symbol of klass. From “Frank Sinatra” (some loser old guy my mom likes, idk) to Jason Mraz (my other hero, look it up), fedoras have always meant an in with the ladies, ayyy up high.

You know what else would be cool?

MY OWN WICKED-ASS “THE BACHELOR”-STYLE TV SHOW. Loads of girls competing for my love. Hot tubs. A dope mansion complete with granite countertops and bathroom mirrors that let you check yourself out from all the angles. Crazy dates that involve crazy activities like kissing while skydiving, kissing while going on a roller coaster, and kissing while having a Flamin’ Hots eating contest. SICK.

But I’m a gentleman, too. I’ll take my cues from the Bachelor above. You know he bought that black-haired chick those leopard-print clogs himself. And that is real tight-ass klass.

I guess that’s what I want most of all this Christmas. Just a girl who’ll let me buy her leopard-print clogs. Who will let me love her. I know I seem like I’m a ladies’ man (not saying I’m not, get that straight), but for every cool tip I got from Charlie Harper, I got just as many on how to be a loving dude from Jason. He taught me that there’s more to love and being the most romantic version of yourself than just fedoras. It’s not material stuff. It’s all in you already. That’s why he never wears shoes.

Well, I guess that’s it. Oh, and you can send any of these prezzies to Sexy Claws, 1234 Hot Street, Hotville, SX, Hot States of America, 6020hot. Forget your HollSteez (Hollister Steez), and let McChill keep you warm this HolSeas (Holiday Season) ;) (No homo @ my poetry.) ♦

32 Comments

  • Kaharine November 18th, 2011 3:09 PM

    Yesssss I love Chill McChillson!!!!

  • Hunter November 18th, 2011 3:15 PM

    tavi is actually dating chill…………..so……………..

    • delirium44 November 19th, 2011 1:56 PM

      i highly dougt that.

  • tallulahpond November 18th, 2011 3:21 PM

    Love Chill McChillson, he has to be a regular! Exactly the same as the boys in my class, I’m desperately trying to survive the English equivalent of 7th grade! Please tell me it gets better in 8th?

  • Marguerite November 18th, 2011 3:30 PM

    wow. can u actually make a sims house like that??????

  • Maddy November 18th, 2011 3:34 PM

    Chill! I was just showing my 12 year old sister (but you two are not right fo’ each other, yo) your previous post. I think we both found it very helpful!

  • Taylor November 18th, 2011 3:37 PM

    There’s a great TV Tropes article about Buffy Speak that links to “Name McAdjective.” I just spent a lot of time reading the Buffy Speak article yesterday and that came to mind. Yeah.

  • Mirae November 18th, 2011 4:16 PM

    Bro, that was super helpful!

  • mangachic November 18th, 2011 5:17 PM

    This is absolutely hilarious!!!!! And the jokes are spot on 7th grader.

  • unicorn November 18th, 2011 5:33 PM

    this articles was totally swagtastic.

  • Rivkah November 18th, 2011 6:13 PM

    brooooooo! good to have you back.

  • Maddy November 18th, 2011 6:33 PM

    hilarious!

  • broguishrogue November 18th, 2011 7:13 PM

    MISSED YOU, BRA
    i love chill (no homo)

  • becky November 18th, 2011 9:09 PM

    i registered just so i could comment on the beauty that is the granite countertop detail
    tavi have you been watching house hunters recently or what

  • Amy Rose November 18th, 2011 9:32 PM

    i actually can’t even with that fedora!

  • annamarie November 18th, 2011 10:49 PM

    Gordo was most defs the best bachelor eva.

  • Laia November 18th, 2011 10:56 PM

    oh man where is gordo now?

  • November 19th, 2011 1:01 AM

    Chill’s star shines brighter than that huge lump of radioactive green rock that’s threatening to fall through the ceiling of his tight-ass bachelor pad (No krypto.) :-))

  • MichyMich November 19th, 2011 1:39 AM

    Beyond HILARIOUS!!

  • Jamie November 19th, 2011 2:54 AM

    AAAAAY UP HIGH

  • delirium44 November 19th, 2011 1:56 PM

    i love chill! sooo funny, tavi!

  • Rita Unicornia November 19th, 2011 4:01 PM

    HAHAHAHAHAHA LIKE A BOSS!
    Chill looks pretty awesome! I’m loving rookie more and more and more and more and more !

    I’m a 9th grader who dreams of being a fashion designer, here’s my blog :D
    http://www.ritahasablog.blogspot.com

  • spacemadness November 19th, 2011 5:49 PM

    McCHILL!!! GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK! I’ll be sending you that “posh” fedora! :D

    Also, okay, how did i forget about Lizzie McGuire????!??

  • appledarling November 19th, 2011 6:27 PM

    @laia

    “Where Are They Now
    (May 2003) student at UC Berkeley in California
    (2005) Junior at The University of California – Berkeley”

    Now is so far long away ago.

  • Katherine November 19th, 2011 9:43 PM

    I don’t mean to offend anyone, but I found this article a little distasteful. I understand that it’s meant as satire, but please, nothing like this in the future!

  • Sunshine November 20th, 2011 11:53 AM

    Loooooooooove mcchill! He’s so funny!

  • julalondon November 20th, 2011 11:59 AM

    I absolutely loved this! Any negative comments just show that there are a few people without humor -sorry, but that’s just how it is.=) This piece is so funny, i laughed so hard! Thank you Tavi!

  • Kelsey November 20th, 2011 5:07 PM

    This… I just… ohmygod. So many boys like this in my class…

  • insteadofanelephant November 21st, 2011 12:01 AM

    oh my gosh i miss lizzie mcguire. its absence left a hole in my heart.

    instead of an elephant

  • emilyelizabeth November 21st, 2011 9:59 PM

    awww gordo! i loved lizzie mcguire!

  • cancercowboy November 22nd, 2011 8:50 AM

    gee, about time that DA MAN showed this womenfolk how its done! May there always be enough Axe beneath your keel.

  • FashionHauties December 6th, 2011 9:46 AM

    I LOVE THIS WAY TOO MUCH! :D