I started my collage applications Saturday. I think that collage will be really good experience for me. I mean, cool parties always happen at collages. Right now, I’m really into pretty collages, AND OMG WHAT IF I MISSPELL COLLEGE IN AN APPLICATION ESSAY?!!!! Spellcheck won’t catch that.

College applications are going to be the death of me. I get nervous when I see the statements at the bottom of application pages that say things like “Check the spelling of your name. Remember that if you misspell your name, it cannot be changed. Also, if you’re accepted (hahahahahaha) we reserve the right to call you Kathine Denneys during your studies here.” There’s also the possibility that my fingers will be possessed by demons as I type in my ACT and SAT scores, making them higher than they really are—that way when schools get my actual scores, they will know I am a liar and an awful person.

Also really frightening is when applications ask you to put down an intended major, to which I reply: Yeeesh! I don’t know yet! I can’t even decide what I want for breakfast. Some mornings I really want Fruity Pebbles or Sister Schubert’s rolls,* and other mornings coffee and Cheez-Its will suffice. All end up working really well for me, but some (most) of the time we don’t have Fruity Pebbles when I want them! The same goes for majors. (OMG breakfast studies major.)

I mean, how important is my GPA? Don’t you care more about my hygiene, especially since I’ll be sharing a dorm room with a complete stranger? I don’t have perfect grades, but I wash my hands regularly and shampoo at least once a month. Also, I wear my retainer with unmatched dedication. That must count for something: if not responsibility, at least coolness. Furthermore, I love to share! I will gladly lend any classmate my Justin Bieber nail polish or my CDs as long as I get those things back. When kids ask me for a pen in class I say, “Of course, love! What color?” See, I’m just a hygienic, sharing kind of gal. ACCEPT ME NOW.

Also, I’m really into higher art. I created this as a commentary on war throughout the centuries:

Unfortunately, there’s no space for these types of things on applications. They’ll never be able to understand how complex I am as a human being. No JBiebs nail polish for them. ♦

* My editor has brought it to my attention that not everyone knows what these are. Really? They’re just dinner rolls or sausage rolls that come in these little tins. Also, from the website: “Perfect for breakfast, snacking, or an appetizer, Sister Schubert’s Sausage Rolls are made with high-quality smoked sausage links.” Hear that? They’re PERFECT.