Dear Diary

October 26, 2011

Dreamy picnics, dreamy boys, dreamy dreams, and daydreams that go on and on and ON.

Naomi

A lot of people are excited by the prospect that almost anything can happen. This thought makes me reach for the nearest blanket and climb under it.

I think almost my whole life I have been varying degrees of frightened, terrified, frustrated, and paralysed by life itself. I spend a lot of the time dreaming the day away on things that will probably never happen and some things that have a possibility of happening, but at the slightest notion that they will, I get the sudden urge to run as fast as possible in the opposite direction. Because I’m sure the reality is very different from the picture in my head. And obviously in my head I must be a completely different person, someone who doesn’t get scared.

It’s hard to differentiate among anxiety that is perfectly normal for a human being, anxiety that is a personality trait, and anxiety as a reflection of whatever situation I am in. Am I socially anxious naturally or because I have been more isolated ever since I stopped going to school? How much do I have to fight it and how much do I accept it? Can it ever really fundamentally change?

I’m writing this on Saturday, and today is one of those days when all my limitations and restrictions float to the surface and are hard to squeeze past. These are things I have built up over the past few years to deal with other difficult things. It is a vicious circle. It’s embarrassing and I don’t want to be specific because, to be perfectly honest, I am ashamed.

But I don’t mind being brutally honest about this fact: because of my fears and anxieties, my life is very restricted. I can’t go to school or parties or on independent excursions or take driving lessons, etc. Most of the time I just dream about having a fulfilled life, full of “normal” things. The rest of the time I dream up fantastical situations just to forget the banal situation I am in. Sometimes I am very happy with what I’ve got—last week was a good example of that. This week, I just wish I could expand my sphere, for my limits to be nonexistent. It makes me incredibly sad that in a world full of potentially beautiful experiences, my instinct is to hide and stick to my imagination.

Here is a photo of my cat, Freddie, to keep me optimistic:

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17 Comments

  • moonchild October 26th, 2011 7:47 PM

    I love your thoughts. Thank you.

    I especially like the buttface story. Thank you again

    http://under-a-bridge.blogspot.com/

  • Juniper October 26th, 2011 7:56 PM

    I <3 all you guys.

  • Whatsername October 26th, 2011 8:45 PM

    @Naomi, I think it’s very brave of you to be able to write about your anxiety. You shouldn’t feel ashamed at all. C:

    @Katherine’s, I’m in my own school play, but only a crappy side character with like five lines. I’m happy for this though, I’d never be able to memorize the amount of lines the others were given.

  • Naomi October 26th, 2011 9:54 PM

    i just realised freddie looks kind of evil in that photo

  • chloelrd October 27th, 2011 2:27 AM

    I feel the same thing toward boys that look like they stepped right out of the seventies! They are just so gorgeous ahhh

  • giov October 27th, 2011 7:39 AM

    I think from now on I will carry a picture of a bunny in my wallet at any time, and whenever my friends share a depressing story I’ll take it out saying: that was awful, here’s a bunny.

  • Hedwig October 27th, 2011 10:27 AM

    Go Katherine! superstarrsz

  • fizzingwhizbees October 27th, 2011 1:32 PM

    Naomi, I feel you, girl. The fact that I am in college terrifies me because it means that eventually I will graduate from college, and then my real life will start and I’ll have to get a job and make decisions and generally be a responsible person. Ick.

  • Gretchyn October 27th, 2011 5:26 PM

    Omg Dylan, I have the greatest obsession for long-hair-don’t-care guys too. It’s bad. And sometimes I’ll see one walking down the halls WITH A GUITAR IN HIS HAND + I really just lose it + my insides undergo mini explosions while on the outside I keep a marble mask on…….

    • Dylan October 27th, 2011 6:19 PM

      Hahahaha so glad to hear I’m not the only one. When they come in TROUPES!…I kind of don’t know how to handle my body, and just stand paralyzed.

  • erin October 28th, 2011 10:48 AM

    she probably won’t read this, but naomi, you should totally watch the french film Amelie. With subtitles, unless you secretly speak french. but then, that would have been in this super secretive post, wouldn’t it? Anyways, you and Amelie could totally relate.

    • Naomi October 29th, 2011 7:13 AM

      that is one of the best compliments i’ve ever received. (if that is a compliment)

  • Mom October 28th, 2011 2:50 PM

    whoa your Mom was in high school AND college in the 70′s for real. I am thinking about the cutest guy I had a huge crush on in the junior class, long light brown shag and John Lennon glasses

  • cancercowboy November 1st, 2011 1:41 PM

    @Naomi
    no idea if you ever tried behaviour therapy for what sounds like an anxiety disorder, but maybe you should. its friggin hard and demanding and painful, but its got comparatively good results.
    all the best