Sex + Love

Never Been Kissed

The joys of living single.

Illustration by Sonja

A confession: I’m a 23-year-old virgin. Not just a sex virgin, but a kiss virgin. A kiss virgin who has never been on anything remotely resembling a date.

A bigger confession: I don’t care.

If you took your cues from pop culture, you’d think the sole purpose of high school was hooking up. If you’re not dating the coolest, hottest boy in school, you’re a loser, and if you’re not dating (or trying to date) anyone, you’re not just a loser. You don’t exist.

But I do exist. I have hobbies and a social life. I was on the homecoming court and I went to prom. And I did it all without a boy or girl at my side. I’ll admit, the homecoming-court dance was a bit awkward (I had to borrow a friend’s date because apparently singletons can’t slow dance), but I’m told that I inspired at least one freshman to excitedly tell her mom, “There’s a nerd on the court!” so I call it a success.

A lot of people want to know why. Why have I gone 23 years without so much as a first kiss? In fact, that’s what Rookie’s editors asked me when they suggested I write this article. Why did I choose to refrain from dating and making out and all that awesome stuff?

My answer was, “I don’t know. Why are you asking?” Because I never made the choice to be single. I didn’t wake up on the first day of high school and say, “I want to make it to the age of 23 without dating anyone!” The only choice I made was that I wasn’t going to rush into a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. If the right person comes along, yeah, maybe I’ll make a move, but so far I haven’t met that person. Is that so weird?

What might seem weird to you is that I don’t really get crushes. I never notice when someone is trying to flirt with me until someone else points it out. So maybe I am missing something, some social skill that other girls have. But I have a sense of romance, and just like most girls, I long to meet that special someone. Every time I finish a book with a particularly good romantic plot, I get a little depressed and ask myself why I don’t have a dashing suitor in my life. Then I remember that I was reading a YA paranormal romance and in real life there are no supernaturally gorgeous vampires who will choose a lifetime of love over my delicious, delicious blood. In real life there are fights and awkwardness and very few chances for my lover to dramatically throw me out of the way of oncoming bullets. And sure, there are plenty of good things about relationships, but I don’t lie awake at night fretting over everything I’m missing out on. It’s just not important to me.

I’m not saying that it’s wrong to make dating a high priority in your life—if you’re having fun, great! But if you’re not happy in your relationship, or you just have no interest in dating right now, it’s OK to be single. Really, it is. I made it through high school and college without dating and I’m not a crazy cat lady yet.

Singleness is not a lifestyle choice that’s celebrated very often, but it can be a great thing. I had the freedom to move eight hours away from home this year, and I didn’t have to worry about uprooting anyone else’s life in the process. I dealt with way less drama in high school than most girls. And I have all the free time in the world.

Someday I expect I’ll settle down with Mr. or Ms. Right (or have an accidental fling with Mr./Ms. Wrong), and I’ll experience all the joys (and the drama) that most of you were experts at by 10th grade. But for now, I’m enjoying the single life.

So, fellow singletons, don’t apologize for not living a storybook life. Whether or not you ever choose to pair up is your business, and no one else’s. Because, as cheesy as it sounds, you don’t need anyone else to make you happy. And a little alone time never hurt anyone. ♦

133 Comments

  • Marguerite October 12th, 2011 3:14 PM

    That is the most inspiring thing I’ve read on Rookie yet! People always give me that look when I tell them that neither me nor my sisters have ever dated anyone. I live in a country of 65,000 people, what is the chance of me finding the person that I want to be with? And I am not the kind of person who will go out with you just so I can have a BF…

    • Rachael October 12th, 2011 7:46 PM

      “That is the most inspiring thing I’ve read on Rookie yet!”

      That’s an amazing compliment, considering all the wonderful things that get posted here. Thank you so much, and I’m glad I inspired you!

  • Eleanor October 12th, 2011 3:18 PM

    i love this!!! you are such an inspiration. so happy you wrote this article.

    i’m eighteen and had never had a boyfriend until 9 months ago, when i realised me and my best friend were made for each other. i think it’s the best kind of love, when you find it without even looking. i felt “behind” all my friends who had boyfriends from age 13 onwards, but i feel very lucky now.

    • Eleanor October 12th, 2011 3:21 PM

      plus, i loved being single throughout all of secondary school! having no close friends nor love interest for years just pushed me to look for a hobby: instead i found love in photography, which is now my job :)

    • Naomi October 12th, 2011 5:20 PM

      that’s a really sweet story eleanor

  • NMHfan October 12th, 2011 3:35 PM

    I think they made a movie about this? I kid.

    And this should totally be a “Literally the Best Thing Ever”, but I think the movie Never Been Kissed is the perfect sappy movie that describes what you’re talking about.

    “That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you’re supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time.”

  • Laurie October 12th, 2011 3:35 PM

    I did not kiss a boy until I was 23. I remember at 18 my friends thought there was something wrong with me and tried to find boys at parties for me to “just kiss and get it over with”. But when I turned 23 there was an amount of respect, it just hadn’t happened yet- and when it did, it did. I so enjoyed reading this and felt the same way in the years leading up to my first kiss. That was 6 years ago and I feel like being okay with being “single” or not needing another date or boyfriend to fill a space in my life has helped me make SANE choices when it comes to dating. Thanks for this!

  • moonchild October 12th, 2011 3:40 PM

    This is really sweet. I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one resisting peer pressure! :)

    http://under-a-bridge.blogspot.com/

  • Toilets October 12th, 2011 3:43 PM

    Thank you for writing this! The way some people act when I tell them I’m seventeen and a virgin, you’d think I’d just confessed to being really into cannibalism or trainspotting or something else mental.

    • Jamie October 12th, 2011 5:52 PM

      hah! random things make people get weird. i hope you aren’t also a vegetarian, because then the people-having-visceral-reactions-to-your-lifestyle thing would be like, 24/7

  • diny October 12th, 2011 3:54 PM

    “Singleness is not a lifestyle choice that’s celebrated very often”

    Carrie of Sex and The City had said it! why we can’t make singleness a celebrate? single doesn’t mean pathetic.

    “Because, as cheesy as it sounds, you don’t need anyone else to make you happy.”

    Play it with Au Revoir Simone – Only You Can Make You Happy

  • feelslikeit October 12th, 2011 4:04 PM

    I’m around your age, and, i’ve done that, but not much else. I’m glad you wrote this, and that I read it.
    It’s not exactly acceptable to say “i’m a 20-something year old virgin” when you’re supposed to be, i dunno, barhopping or something for women who are into impulsive banging.

  • alice October 12th, 2011 4:22 PM

    Thank you so much for making me feel normal

    • Rachael October 12th, 2011 7:52 PM

      You’re so welcome. I’m really enjoying hearing from all these other people enjoying singledom. We should start a club or something.

  • devorahshira October 12th, 2011 4:32 PM

    Thank you. I have come to realize that the authors of this site read my mind every night before I go to sleep. I’m sixteen and though I am not a virgin I have never really been kissed, or had a boyfriend. I am so glad to see this article, in fact I love this post. Thank you so much.

    • Rachael October 12th, 2011 7:55 PM

      Ha! Check out our staff bios. Tavi actually lives under your bed.

  • julalondon October 12th, 2011 4:34 PM

    I dont really hear stories like this very often, all the girls around me started dating when they were 13. I never had a boyfriend during high school or college either, but i felt good with it! my girlfriends all made their experiences and very often bad ones.. when i was a little bit younger i worried if there was something wrong with me, because it didnt bother me, but my friends gave me the feeling that it should.
    i love the way you describe that your enjoying your singleness, having loads of free time and the freedom to do what ever you want to you! Love this!

  • Minella October 12th, 2011 4:53 PM

    Hey!
    Thank you so much for this!

    I’m 16 and my peers already think there’s something really wrong with me when I tell them I’ve never kissed someone and I also never had a boyfriend. But they all had their first kiss when they were 13, half drunk (the drinking age in The Netherlands is 16, it’s normal here to be drinking at that age ;p) with half the school around them with a guy that turned out to be the biggest creep in school.
    And of course I want a boyfriend to hold hands with and to make out with and everything, but it’s just that guys aren’t really into me. So I’m just waiting for a guy that I actually want to kiss.

    Who says I’m missing out on anything?

    xxx

  • awkwardteal October 12th, 2011 4:57 PM

    Can’t tell you how much I needed to read that at exactly this point in my life. I’m sure this sentiment will be repeated throughout these comments but I just want to reiterate it, the majority of my friends started dating in 8th grade and were having sex by 9th while I just stayed on the sidelines (which is where I still am). I’ve never really felt inadequate because of that but it just feels so good to have a little bit of reassurance. Thank you so much!

  • Saskia October 12th, 2011 5:16 PM

    This was one of the best things I’ve ever read. Nobody ever speaks of this – of the alternatives of having your first sexual experiencies with others very early in life. Thank you.

  • Naomi October 12th, 2011 5:19 PM

    this is so lovely. society should show off more that you can be happy and not be in a relationship!

    • Naomi October 12th, 2011 6:23 PM

      by society i really mean films and tv and magazines and books.

  • MrPhoenix October 12th, 2011 5:19 PM

    “I wasn’t going to rush into a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship.”

    Exactly how I feel!! I used to pretend to recipricate crushes (if said crusher was cool enough) just because I was bored or horny. I just ended up spending alot of time with boring people and hurting boring guys.

  • Cindy October 12th, 2011 5:23 PM

    Thank you for writing this. ♥

    I’ve always felt so out of place because a majority of girls my age have already given up both of their “virginities” and people always look at me funny when I tell them I’ve never kissed anyone. I’d rather kiss someone I’d actually like, not some random creep. I just wish everyone else would get that.

  • Carneece October 12th, 2011 5:30 PM

    Oh, hey Me! I love you.
    Coasting into twenty-one without having ever kissed/had a boyfriend/challenged any boy to a throwdown in the backseat/etc. has never bothered me, because I’m one of those losers who’s still waiting for the right person. I’m not totally deluded; I realize that relationships are inherently messy as they require the involvement of us troublesome human beings, but I’ve never felt a desire to cobble together a relationship for the sake of pleasing those panicked relatives/old friends/mentors/doctors who look you dead in the eye and DEMAND THAT YOU TELL THEM RIGHT NOW THAT YOUR HYMEN IS ACTUALLY BUSTED STOP LYING YOU DON’T HAVE A COLD IT’S AN STD AND YOU ARE HURTING YOURSELF TELL ME NOW
    Maybe it’s the fault of too much people-watching and examining needless and meaningless romantic endeavors, but I don’t want to waste perfectly good singleness time on one of those.
    Once I meet the right person (again, I know, human beings) I’ll go for it. For now: time for more David Lynch-athons and fried pickles. Bam.

  • WitchesRave October 12th, 2011 5:38 PM

    Thank you soo much for this article :)
    Im 15 and i greatly appreciated it..
    Most of the people i know, their first kiss was after some half drunk 13 year old asked to kiss (I mean french kiss) them at some crappy teen disco, without even knowing their name..And they call me strange for atleast wanting to have a relationship with someone before i become romantic with them?..Jeesh..

  • ahinoam October 12th, 2011 5:42 PM

    Beau-tiful! Such a mind-opening article, and make me, as a “never been kissed” kind of girl, even prouder then I was before. That way of thinking is the best way to look at it, isn’t it?

  • anayaya October 12th, 2011 5:43 PM

    I’ve never had a boyfriend, and it really bothers me how people will often gasp and say, “but why, you’re so pretty,” when I tell them. I’m only eighteen and cannot comprehend the mentality of societys bizarre beliefs of, “if you’re attractive, you must have a significant other. If not, you don’t.” It’s a horrible way to think, and makes about as much sense as it did to marry in your teens a century ago. These are the mindsets that are hundreds of years old, and need to be renewed.

    • Jamie October 12th, 2011 5:55 PM

      totally. that “but you’re so pretty” thing also totally implies that relationships are about like, being hot next to another hot person. so bizarre

  • Birdie October 12th, 2011 5:44 PM

    I made the mistake by kissing someone just to say I did.. there were no sparks and I didnt even know the person.
    I’ve decided to wait to kiss until I find someone really special. And its really hard but thanks so much for writing this. it gave me the strength I really needed.

    funkyfeather.blogspot.com/

    fly on
    Birdie

  • Angie Bitchface October 12th, 2011 5:50 PM

    this is the opposite of my experience. I spent almost 4 years of my life (ages 16-19) being upset, first b/c guys weren’t into me, and then b/c they were flaky high school/college guys who didn’t want anything serious. I have an almost compulsive need to give love to the people around me, especially in a romantic sense, so even if I was hooking up with guys who I liked who weren’t all that invested in me I would treat them as well as if they were my boyfriend in the short time in which we saw each other, even if it was only once a month or for one night, and pine for them the rest of the time. this summer an old friend and I started seriously dating and fell in love with each other (as in, started discussing marriage on the first night we got together) and he is as giving a person as I am and we have so much love between us. I’m glad I had the previous experiences I had, however, because even though none of these guys were “The One” I had some good experiences and got to be with a variety of guys and figure out what I wanted in a guy.

    one thing about this article troubles me: the sentence “In real life there are fights and awkwardness and very few chances for my lover to dramatically throw me out of the way of oncoming bullets. ” are you sure you don’t just have too idealistic standards for a relationship? in my experience, the fights and awkwardness and mundanity of life are the things that help make your relationship strong and make you fall more in love with each other; a relationship without those things would be ridiculous and unsustainable. just my opinion though.

    • Rachael October 12th, 2011 8:18 PM

      I debated on whether I should keep that line. It’s not that I’m avoiding dating because I don’t want to have those bad moments. It’s more about why I don’t have crushes–I’m too pragmatic and if I was going to create a fantasy I’d have to add in those fights and then it wouldn’t be as fun of a fantasy.

      I really like this: “in my experience, the fights and awkwardness and mundanity of life are the things that help make your relationship strong and make you fall more in love with each other.” That’s such a lovely thought!

  • Jamie October 12th, 2011 5:56 PM

    i feel like literally 0 other publications have written about this before. bizarre, because it is such a common and normal experience.

  • Mai October 12th, 2011 6:04 PM

    I’m very glad that you wrote this article and I hope it makes a lot of girls and women and maybe even boys and men rethink this ideal image that we have in our mind of relationships and sex and all that stuff, which growing up and even beyond puts us under pressure to be “normal”.
    All my teenage years I felt so awkward and as an outsider because I had no boyfriend and no experience in any way. I was and still am also a lot like you: I never realize if someone is interested in me and I can’t flirt and I never really have/had crushes. I met my first boyfriend when I was 20 and now at 24 I’m still with him. With him it also took me a long time to realize that he really liked me. But I’m also not afraid of being single again one day; I’m a realist when it comes to relationships. Looking back I wasn’t really unhappy when I was single and unexperienced. I’m also not unhappy now, but kissing, sex, relationships and all that stuff doesn’t define you as a person. It can be nice but it also can be nice to be alone and enjoy your time with yourself and/or friends.

  • anastasia October 12th, 2011 6:31 PM

    Well, hi! You must be my doppleganger, right?

    • Rachael October 12th, 2011 8:22 PM

      Possibly! The protagonist of my novel-in-progress is named Anastasia. That must mean something, right?

  • Raebbies October 12th, 2011 6:38 PM

    FABULOUS. Im 17 and never been kissed either and my name is Rachael. with an “a”!
    some people just don’t believe that no guy has ever told me he liked me or anything like that. :/

    • Rachael October 12th, 2011 8:25 PM

      Your name is spelled the right way!

      How many guys go up to girls and say “I like you” anyway? You are one of many, many girls who has never had that experience.

  • emielou October 12th, 2011 6:39 PM

    AH! This made my day so much better, as of last friday my two best friends are now in relationships. I, on the other hand, I’m left alone at my locker while they are making out in the corner. As much as I LOVE the idea of having a boyfriend, that’s just it, I love the IDEA, but there is no one I’m really interested in. SO THANK YOU, for making me see what i already knew, I’m patient, and one it will happen. But as of now, I’m content with spending Saturday nights watching Project Runway, the only man I need in my life is Tim Gun.

  • Yasemin October 12th, 2011 6:50 PM

    I love this! I’m 15 and been single all my life (which, when I tell anyone, is received with gasps and “Wow WHY??”s). I try not to care, because I know that it doesn’t really matter, but sometimes it bothers me. Thank you so much for writing this!

  • Tessa October 12th, 2011 6:59 PM

    This resembles my best friend. Who at 24 has encountered the same feelings you have.

    I however, am the opposite. I’ve pretty much been attached since the age of 15 and I’m now 23 as well. I don’t know how this came to be. I love who I am when I’m single, but I guess I’m always longing for affection or adoration when I don’t have it. Extremely annoying.
    I think being single is great, I just always find myself in relationships. Long ones. Sometimes, I think your situation is much better off. When someone dates you, you will know exactly who you are…while still figuring those little things out along the way. You also at this point probably know what you want.

    I always thought that dating many people or having relationships was setting me up to help me figure out what I wanted. In a way that’s true, I’ve learned tons of things about myself through the guys I’ve chosen to date. At the same time, relying on yourself is remarkable. Keep your independence.

    http://teafortessa.blogspot.com

  • emilyelizabeth October 12th, 2011 7:03 PM

    i didn’t have my first kiss until i was eighteen. and i am a virgin (and i just turned 20). and i’ve never had a boyfriend or even really dated. and people ask why, and it’s not for any particular reason. it just hasn’t happened. i only got my first kiss because i was studying abroad and there were my friends and a bar and a cute guy who spoke only spanish.
    i know that being single for all of my 20 years is not anything abnormal, but sometimes it seems like it is because tv/film/books/etc. all make such a big deal about relationships. but i’m not unhappy, so i guess it will happen when it happens.

  • norienoire October 12th, 2011 7:03 PM

    The timing of this article is freakishly impeccable. It was less than an hour ago that I was getting crap for never having done anything with anybody… But really, do I want to be like my friends and hurt every single guy I’m with just for the sake of it? No. Do I owe it to myself to find love/romance/whatever causes people to go crazy for each other on my own terms? Hell yes. And the more I stay true to that fact, the more I become aware of who I am as an individual. Of course it sucks sometimes, being alone, but I want to be in a relationship with a guy who understands me. Makes everything easier and much more pleasant it seems. And who knows? Maybe it’s my best friend who’s the “one.”

  • Helena October 12th, 2011 7:06 PM

    Wow, amazing, this makes me feel better with myself, because when people knows about this(I’m in your same situation), they kind of freak out on the inside(I can feel that) and they act in a way that makes me feel ashamed of myself(And then i feel like there’s no reason to be ashamed cause i haven’t done anything wrong and haven’t hurt anybody), anyway I live happy with this, I mean, I don’t feel different ,I do my life the same way other people do!!
    And, as you, I don’t realise when someone is flirting with me!!hahah
    God, every day I get to love more and more rookie!!

  • mooneyes October 12th, 2011 7:06 PM

    This is so true.
    Lately I’ve been to a party and my best friend made out with a random guy. I know it was her first kiss/make out session and at that moment I felt a bit alone… But then I talked to another girl there and we both agreed that it’s better to find the right one or just meet new people than making out with a rondom stranger.

    What i mean is that so many have this opinion but “society” still thinks it’s weird not to have a boyfriend with 17 or older?
    Why??? We have to change that!

  • Hannah October 12th, 2011 7:10 PM

    See, I hadn’t dated anyone at age 19 or kissed anyone and I figured I had to get into a relationship and get it over with – bad idea. So I know where you’re coming from, and I wish I didn’t do all that stuff just to get it out of the way because the truth is I didn’t want to and I still don’t want to. I just don’t dig dudes that much. They’re great as friends, but I don’t feel the need to cuddle or hold hands and I feel kind of nauseous when someone flirts with me. I’m not into girls either. Anyway … as a 22 year-old-currently-single-&-not-searching-for-anyone-because-I-don’t-want-to girl, word up!

  • beatricks October 12th, 2011 7:16 PM

    I super identify with this. Several years ago I discovered Quirkyalone – it’s a site, a movement, and a book (by Sasha Cagen) about the deeply single romantics among us, and it helped a lot. Nowadays I know a lot of people who identify as asexual and/or aromantic, and that’s a helpful perspective too.

  • jenjencm October 12th, 2011 7:17 PM

    Even though I’ve had crushes since kindergarten and guys that I know like me, I’ve never been kissed and have been single for my 15 years of existence. I’M SINGLE AND I AM PROUD!!! I gotta admit I feel like a misfit because I’m single because I see tons of couples everyday nin high school and they’re usuall a)holding hands b) hugging c) making out right in the open!

    • jenjencm October 12th, 2011 7:19 PM

      When I said I felt like a misfit I meant sometimes.

  • boofie October 12th, 2011 7:24 PM

    Thank you for this article. I am eighteen and have never kissed a boy. I never felt the need to have a boyfriend in high-school, though I would look at all the couples around me and feel left out at times.
    Sure there were guys that asked me out, but saying “yes” to them just to have a boyfriend would have been disrespectful to them.
    Next time I meet a guy I truly have a connection with, and I feel ready, I’ll ask him out.
    People also celibate girls shit about being prudes and being uptight. But honestly, when I see promiscuous women and then see women who waited until marriage, I would much rather be like the latter. So much stress and drama comes with having sex, but when I’m married I won’t have to worry about having an unwanted pregnancy or an STD.
    I find beauty in that.

  • Shu October 12th, 2011 7:29 PM

    Thank you so much. I’ve never been a person who severely struggles witht the fact that she’s a ‘late bloomer’, I go through pubertal feelings everytime someone starts flirting with me and I get all shy and awkward when there’s a hint at the possibility of maybe making out with someone the first time EVER. Still, everyone around me being different or at least not showing they’re the same makes me feel insecure and anti-social, at times even incapable of being, you know, ‘girlfriend’ material? Reading this cheered me up immensely and gave me the feeling of comfort and solidarity I so often get when reading Rookie articles (:

  • AnnaCQ October 12th, 2011 7:36 PM

    THANK YOU FINALLY!!!!!! I am 19 and I have never kissed/dated/had sex with anyone. Unfortunately, I’ve crushed pretty hard in my life and I often worry that I’m an alien, since almost all of my friends have ticked off every activity in that list. However, hearing someone else say this is SO helpful! I completely agree, being single can be great! And it gives you the independence that you will need in your life, with or without a partner. This is such an important article. On such an amazing site!

  • Hunter October 12th, 2011 7:38 PM

    this makes me feel better haha. i don’t usually care but sometimes theres a little voice in the back of my head saying “wow you’re a senior in high school and you’ve never so much as flirted with a guy?!” but then i think that post-high school i’ll find my “magic man*” and that should be fun! until then i’ll just daydream about my long list of celeb crushes wah wah

    *tavi i hope you’re reading this hahahahah

  • Rosina October 12th, 2011 7:52 PM

    Thank you for this perspective! It’s so important to acknowledge this course-of-life as healthy and normal. Not only is it treated as a given in the general media that teenagers and young adults are, by definition, sexually and romantically active, but I feel as though we get that message from a lot of feminist, alternative press & media as well. Of course it’s important to talk about the fact that many young people are sexually active, especially in light of the extreme side of society that denies and condemns it completely, but sometimes it seems there’s an assumption that everyone is. It seems the response to traditional/patriarchal society always comes in an article with a title like “I’m Sexually Active – Get Over It!” Which is cool, but as the only response, it also reinforces the idea that there’s something wrong with you if that’s not a part of your life.

    If I had read something like this when I was in high school it would have saved me a LOT of grief. I have a gut feeling that this publication and others like it are going to really take off and force conventional media to step up their game.

  • ClaireBear October 12th, 2011 7:54 PM

    Thank you for writing this. I too was 23 when I got my first kiss. I had never even danced or held hands with a guy. I felt so awkward telling people that, and of course in high school I felt like the biggest loser but as much as that would have been great in high school I wouldn’t change it. When it happened I was in a great place, it was with someone I loved (4 years later we’re still together) so it meant a lot more than getting it over with at a party with some random guy.
    I wish more girls would realize that it doesn’t need to happen the moment you turn 13 or whatever age people are telling you.

  • Kaetlebugg October 12th, 2011 8:05 PM

    I’m very happy to read this because the vast majority of pop culture tells girls they need boyfriends to be “real” girls and validate themselves, like you can’t be taken seriously unless you have a boyfriend, which of course is utter bull. HOWEVER I really want a boyfriend OR a random hook up (sober, with someone I at least like a little bit) not because I want self-validation, but because I’m horny and have a high sex drive! BTW I’m 16, never been in a relationship or anything close to it, never been kissed, and I want a boyfriend! I appreciate this article very much, but I also think it would be worth writing about horny girls who don’t lament their single-ness because they don’t feel “complete” but because they are horny.

  • Kaetlebugg October 12th, 2011 8:16 PM

    Sorry not to troll but actually I’m 17, lol, my birthday was not that long ago and I like to pretend I’m 16 so I can get into the MoMA for free xD Also, I’ve noticed that a lot of the comments say that the commenter is the only girl in her group of friend without experience, and for me that is definitely NOT the case. I’ve had alcohol ONCE [at a "party"] and I didn’t even have enough to get drunk; I’ve never smoked anything or, as mentioned before, done anything sexual. And I’m the most experienced of any of my clique of friends! I don’t know what I feel about this, or whether I even need to feel anything about it. It’s just the opportunity has never presented itself! Ack.

  • Margelo October 12th, 2011 8:19 PM

    this was really inspiring!
    amazing article, very well written.
    thanks rookie!
    never been kissed either, and i’m in tenth grade. my sister’s 18 and she has never been on a date yet.

  • Maddy October 12th, 2011 8:21 PM

    I agree with everyone that’s commented in agreement! It’s not that I don’t want to have a romantic and awesome relationship, just that there’s no one (well minus this one guy….) who seems to want one with me and visa versa. Yay, now I can wait until I’m 23+ and not feel strange! It makes me wonder by the response of all the people on here claiming the same virginity if many people at school who talk knowingly are not.

  • meggie3939 October 12th, 2011 8:40 PM

    Seventeen years old, also a kiss/relationship/etc./etc. virgin. Rock on!

  • kalika_ma October 12th, 2011 8:42 PM

    This is wonderful and I thank you for it. I am 29 years old and “on my own”. I don’t identify as single because to me there are too many negative connotations ascribed to that word, mainly by people who seek to feel superior just because they are coupled. I have actively been on my own for over a year after having been in and out of relationships since I was 16 (over a decade!), the space in between never lasting more than a couple months. I was terrified of being on my own and when I finally found myself at the exit door of another relationship, I felt it necessary to have a relationship with myself. It was hard at first and then I was thrilled (and still am) to find that it’s awesome to be on my own! This post just re-affirms my feelings. Thanks!

  • Elena October 12th, 2011 8:55 PM

    Oh my goodness. Why do I not have a watch that can stop time so I can show this to all my friends at parties who say, “Let’s find you a boy!!!!!!”

    Love you for writing this

    xoxox

  • VictoryBelle October 12th, 2011 9:00 PM

    Awesome to hear that I’m not the only one! Im a 23 year old virgin too and am so glad to see this topic brought up! I’ve kissed lots of people as basically, I’m with you Kaetlebugg, I got too horny. Saying that, kissing someone for the first time, sober, and you really mean it would be so incredible, I just haven’t had the self-restraint to wait. Thats why I’m trying to wait until im married until I actually have sex with someone (I know, what a weirdo right?not just still single but doesn’t want to have sex yet? CRAAZZYY!) and also coz actions have real consequences! I know too many people who got pregnant while on the pill or using other kinds of protection and I would never want to deal with that situation, would you? I never want to date/sleep with someone when Im not prepared to deal with the consequences of my actions.

    Thankyou for bringing up stuff like this Rookie and telling us all to use our brains! Decide what you want and don’t settle for second best, respect yourself more than that! Everyone deserves the best, not somebody who turns out not to have your best interests at heart.

    Basically, Perfect by Fairground Attraction says it better than I ever could, “I dont want half-hearted love affairs, I need someone who really cares. Life is too short to play silly games, I’ve promised myself I wont do that again. It’s got to be perfect . . . ”

    Its taking all my self-restraint to not quote the whole song.

  • Sphinx October 12th, 2011 9:36 PM

    Almost 17, and now I don’t feel so weird anymore! All my friends already are/were in some sort of relationship, and I always feel kinda left out cause I have never even kissed anyone.
    At least reading this post and the comments,I know I’m not alone in this haha!
    Though I am sort of worried I might”rush into a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship.” out of boredom.

    • Sphinx October 12th, 2011 9:56 PM

      Oh and just to show how clueless I am, once this guy liked asked me if I had a cellphone.
      And I just said ” Yeah, I own one.”
      and left.

  • Sonja October 12th, 2011 9:41 PM

    One is the ONLY NUMBER. wow. what a floodgate of responses! This is so affirming. I think it’s because the Rookie readers are all truly unique individuals..and if you’re being true to who you are it can sometimes be a *challenge* to find someone to match that..so it’s best to HOLD OUT.
    Here’s to LATE BLOOMERS* all over the world! (when i say ‘late’ that’s by societal/other people’s terms..there is no ‘late’. It happens when it happens. & say it doesnt? So what.
    PS I cant tell you how easy it was to illustrate this piece – being suh-suh single myself (but always feeling this ridiculous pressure to hook up).

  • erin October 12th, 2011 9:43 PM

    I’m sixteen, and I get the concerned questions all the time. “So, any boys?” From my parents, from my relatives, from people I barely know! It kind of makes me feel horrible at times, you know, just a reminder at what a failure I am, but then I think about it, and there aren’t really any boys in my *very* small school that I like or would want to go out with. Much less kiss. My best friend and I both always recite “in college, in college, we will find boys”. Now I know that isn’t really necessary… but still, it would be nice to at least experience some kind of romance with someone nice. But otherwise, this article makes me think that I’ll be like you Rachael. Which really works fine with my grand dreams of solo travel and self-discovery and all that singleton jazz. Thanks :)

  • oriana October 12th, 2011 9:51 PM

    me too! i relate to you 100%. I’m 18 and I’ve never dated anyone and it’s just not something that concerns me :p

  • Naddie October 12th, 2011 10:38 PM

    I’ve only ever dated one guy whom I met in university and I married that guy.

    If everybody was meant to date someone by the time they go to high school, and become an experienced ‘dater’ and has dated a bunch of people before settling down, that would be boring~

    Thanks for writing this, it’s beautiful.

  • definekatie October 12th, 2011 11:02 PM

    So, first of all, thank-you excessively for this article. You have no idea how frustrating it is sometimes to be a total hopeless romantic and a sex/kiss virgin. At the same time though, it’s oddly thrilling. I have all this time to figure out what I want and who I am without worrying about what someone else thinks about it and how my, unpredictability is affecting them. I totally relate about the whole flirting thing. Why is it that I can see when someone is flirting with my best friend… but when it comes to me, I don’t notice! It’s astounding how clueless we all can be sometimes, isn’t it? I have to say though, after many years of singledom, I am content and I look forward to letting fate take its course and enjoying everyday with or without a special someone.

  • kels October 12th, 2011 11:28 PM

    I’m going to turn 18 in a month and I’ve never kissed someone or gone on a date, so it’s an understatement to say that I relate.

    It think it’s because you either have to be

    a) a super outgoing, flirty girl who works hard to find a boyfriend

    or

    b) somehow luminous/beautiful/talented (I don’t know what the quality it is) to naturally attract suitors, even though you don’t work for it

    But I’m shy and unnoticeable and don’t believe in forcing a relationship. And so while my friends stalked guys and had one-week boyfriends, I’ve stayed celibate and yet hopelessly romantic.

    But then again, I’ve never really met a guy who I felt was worth it to pursue (single high school boys are usually gross), so who knows, maybe I’ll be one of those aggressive, flirty girls in college…

    Anyway, the point is that this article soothed an inner fear that I’ve forgotten existed. So thanks, Rachael!

  • coolcat92 October 12th, 2011 11:41 PM

    Omgggg this article just made my day. Im 19 and still a lip virgin and a real virgin and i seriously have felt like there has been a ticking time bomb on my back. I heard Megan Fox lost it at 19 and Elizabeth Wurtzel and I never really heard of anyone “normal” losing it after that so to hear this from someone who seems to real and cool is so inspiring and now I really dont care when it happens.

  • kris October 13th, 2011 1:22 AM

    I’m bookmarking this article, so I can go back and read it whenever I feel down about being a kiss virgin, as it were.
    I wasn’t too insecure about it in high school, but college really does a number on you when the party culture makes you feel insufficient about your nonexistent romantic past. It’s good to know that there are lots of people in the same boat as me. Thank you for the confidence boost and for helping me feel normal.

  • Kish October 13th, 2011 1:25 AM

    Reading this, it felt like I was reading an excerpt from my log when i turned 23 and all I wanted to do was tell my family and friends that despite being “alone”, its a predisposition I didn’t choose but am fine with. But of course,I chose to write about it than say anything to save myself from getting the usual “awwwww” or “we understand (sad face)” remark. Being alone is something they automatically equate to being either sad or a personality/social problem that needs “mending”, when in fact, I’m just as happy as the next person. Its nice to know that I’m not alone in this (ironically). Had to cross borders (not literally, but internet-wise?!) to even get someone to share the same sentiment as I do.

  • arly October 13th, 2011 1:46 AM

    Sometimes I feel like outta of place cause everyone had their first kiss like at 10 or 12 years old and I haven’t. They even think I’m weird cause I don’t like anyone, never kissed anyone and because I enjoy being alone. My bff always tells me to at least lie that I have been kissed cause having virgin lips is suppose to b “embarassing”. And I actually don’t care what they say. I like being single and I know I’m not ready and I’m not gonna lie just because people think this or that. Truth is people r always gonna judge. So I’m proud of saying I’m 15 and I have never been kissed nor have a boyfriend. Call me old fashioned but I believe in finding that one person that will be there with me for a long time :)

  • insteadofanelephant October 13th, 2011 2:10 AM

    cool read! i didnt get my first kiss til late into my high school career, just didn’t care to make it happen!

    instead of an elephant

  • stellar October 13th, 2011 2:20 AM

    thank u…the problems began when i started seriously dating. instead of paying attention to red flags and breaking it off (which brought on disapproval from girlfriends and attitudes about ‘abandonment’ from the guys) i ignored them and paid the price in sticking around to prove i was “loving”. before i even started at all, i spent free time doing whatever i felt on my own (and treating myself well) but noticed my ‘hitched’ older sister getting preferential treatment (as married she is even seen as ‘more adult’ despite the fact that i am less of a spendthrift and was put in charge of the family inheritance)…in short, single females are often seen as ‘lacking’ when they may just be lacking a way of life that may do them in later on!!

  • stellar October 13th, 2011 2:23 AM

    p.s. it can be even worse if u have a disability and u are thought of as ‘sexless’…and somehow have to prove you are ‘just as much’ that way too.

  • doloreshaze October 13th, 2011 2:51 AM

    It is such a good feeling to not be alone in this. I’m also 23 and in the same boat! But for the most part, I feel good about it. When the moment is meant to happen, it’ll happen, and when the right person comes along, it’ll be fate… :)

  • noodles. October 13th, 2011 4:20 AM

    Thank you so much for this article. I’m 20 and still haven’t been kissed. I get kind of worried sometimes that I’m not going to meet someone and fall in love, but it doesn’t bother me enough for me to start hooking up with guys I don’t feel attracted to. I’m very picky! Anyway, it’ll happen when it happens :)

  • theoneteenageboy October 13th, 2011 4:56 AM

    Awesome piece, I’m a 17 year-old guy (I know, hardly your target audience) but I feel the exact same way! While all my friends, boys and girls, have partners I don’t. One of my friends told me a few weeks ago that this girl I know liked me, he was utterly shocked when I told him I didn’t care. He said “I always assumed you where looking for a girlfriend”.
    I just don’t see the point in trying to make something out of nothing, when I find someone that I like then I will take it from there.

  • samhatt October 13th, 2011 5:16 AM

    Eep! Thank you for this beautiful article, i wish more girls could understand this point of view, it saddens me that so many think that something is wrong with them for not having a boyfriend. High-five for never been kissed! : D

  • leni October 13th, 2011 5:30 AM

    Thank you so much!
    I can’t tell you how much this article has helped me to come to terms with my never-having-been-kissed/asked out. Thank you so much for having the courage to write this up, because that in itself shows so much bravery and just how comfortable you are with yourself, which is important. I am 16 and I feel so much pressure from everyone to have done certain things by certain stages in my life, which is absolutely ridiculous.
    The number of comments too is so inspirational – forever alone together!

  • rosered October 13th, 2011 5:52 AM

    Wow, I just made an account to comment on this! I’m 17, nearly 18 and highschool is almost over and I’ve never kissed anyone. I find it really embarrassing but reading this makes me feel a lot better! The only part I’m worried about is how good my kissing is when it finally happens….

  • smlw October 13th, 2011 5:57 AM

    I can’t tell you how much better this article and these comments make me feel. I’m not the only 18 year old who’s never been kissed! Thank you so much :)

  • junegrl2409 October 13th, 2011 8:36 AM

    ahhh this is the story of my life!! I’m a go with the flow type of girl and never have rushed into the whole dating thing. I’m 24 and this summer I finally had my first kiss and I thought maybe this can go somewhere. But the dude was an idiot and neglected to ever want to hang out or spend time with me. The girl shouldn’t have to constantly ask the guy out! And he was the one more interested in me! After seeing the guys that are out there I’m in no rush to just have a boyfriend for the sake of having one. Hopefully one day and not too far into the future the right one will come along finally!

  • Ellery October 13th, 2011 9:06 AM

    LITERALLY the best thing ever.

    Or at least the best thing I’ve read in a long time.
    Thank you, thank you, thank you!

  • Ellery October 13th, 2011 9:09 AM

    As a 17 year old in the same boat, attending an all girl school where my class mates can get really snide and bitchy about these things, I am so appreciative of this article and all these comments! They’ve left me feeling happy with myself and made me realise that I’m by no means the only girl in the world not to have been kissed at my age.

  • Erica October 13th, 2011 10:55 AM

    i had only kissed one boy and the second guy i kissed, i married him :)
    I think girls should be more picky on this kinda stuff cause it really makes it special.

  • Amber Dawn October 13th, 2011 12:44 PM

    I was 19 when I had my first kiss. So was my high school best friend. I went to an arts magnet school with about 3 girls to every guy and I was straight, so this wasn’t that unusual socially there.

  • giov October 13th, 2011 1:14 PM

    this is SO timely. my boyfriend of a year left yesterday for a self discovery trip around the world and BAHM here I am, single? I was late in the game of kissing and by the time I was 15 I was so desperate about it that I got myself in a huge mess. I am glad I later waited for a nice guy to restore my faith in humanity and looking back 18 doesn’t seem that old to start dating but at the time I sure felt like an outcast. not fun. not fun at all.

    now I just need to breathe in, breathe out and enjoy being single.

  • dericious October 13th, 2011 2:13 PM

    Rachael, thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this. I’m a few years your senior but basically the same – never been kissed, still a virgin. You’ve articulated something that I have been unable to, and I so appreciate it. It’s not that I specifically have a reason for still being “this way,” it’s just life.

    Rookie is pretty much the best thing ever, and adult me is happy to be able to read it, since I missed out on the cooler, indie mags of my youth.

  • berry October 13th, 2011 2:30 PM

    while reading this I thought of two of my (really pretty and normal)girlfriends that -for similar reasons- where virgins until the age of 22. But then I realized I have a better thing to tell than that..I had a very busy dating life and had really nice sex from really early on, and three years ago I met a guy, fell in love, went with him, moved in with him. After half a year he told me I actually was his first kiss, first girlfriend first everything. He was 22 then. three years older than me. I couldn’t believe this. How could we be so unite, so in the same place, if the road that had brought us there was so different? I still think its funny sometimes. But we are really happy together, so it didn’t really affect our relationship.

  • jenniferhelen October 13th, 2011 2:37 PM

    I’ve been reading Rookie since it started, and been enjoying everything: the variety of subjects and points of view, the comments and debates, the nostalgia it gives me for younger times. I’m 31 and read Sassy as my first ever mag subscription and was heartened by the positive views provided within.

    But this…written by and for teenage girls, it’s so inspiring. It makes me want to go out, find some teenagers waiting for the bus or something, and take them out for french fries and ice cream and talk about how amazing their lives are and will be.

    I also love this particular post because I was a late bloomer too (in many ways). Always got the line from my guy friends that I was “the kind of girl we want to marry, not DATE.” I hated it, but I also secretly knew, in the far reaches of my brain, that it was better that way. That I’d grow into an amazing person that one day would probably meet a great person to be with. More importantly though, instead of focusing on the fact that I had no dating action, I built many incredible friendships that are still in place today. I feel lucky to have grown up in the time and place I did, and to have had the support and community I found in my fantastic arts high school.

    I still had dark times of confusion and sadness, like most teens (and adults!), but those times are faded now, and the best bright spots are what I hold onto.

    I’ll stop rambling now, but I hope all you girls and boys out there feel as awesome as we know you are.

  • Volens October 13th, 2011 4:00 PM

    This is my life to a T. I’m 18 and never been kissed. I’m not hideous or anything, I’m just not in a rush to go for just any guy. I’m old fashioned. And I get asked if I’m a lesbian when people find out. And I have to explain to them that I’m picky. And they look at me like I have some kind of contagious disease….

  • Savyfromcali October 13th, 2011 5:27 PM

    This is totally me. I’m twenty and this describes me perfectly. All my friends think I’m some kind of freak because Ive never kissed anyone but they also don’t understand how they have so much unnecessry drama in their lives. I am happy with who I am and have no problem being single. Thanks for writing this article!

  • Ola October 13th, 2011 5:38 PM

    This is super encouraging. I’m a freshman at college and it seems like so many people here, if they haven’t had sex, have gotten pretty darn close. And girls always have guy stories to share, and people are hooking up/trying to hook up left and right….but now I don’t feel like such a weirdo anymore. Thanks.

  • kateliz October 13th, 2011 6:31 PM

    I’m 20 and I’ve never dated/kissed anyone either! I’ve just not found anyone that I’ve been interested in enough yet, and having a boyfriend has never been important to me. Glad to know I’m not the only one!

  • Livy October 13th, 2011 7:20 PM

    Thank you so much for writing this entry! I’m fifteen, and never had a boyfriend. All of my friends have been dating around since thirteen. They always act like I’m missing out on something crucial…but I don’t feel that way. But I was staring to feel like maybe I should try harder, since I’m almost sixteen, and still no romance. But now I know I’m not the only girl on the planet who felt like this. Again, thank you! ♥

  • timi October 13th, 2011 7:22 PM

    This is fantastic, honestly an article like this in this day and age, the age of constant constant consssttannnnnnntttt connection with other people, where people can’t be alone not for a second, totally refreshing and honest! I’m also 23, single and a highly potential crazy cat lady in the making and like you, will not be with someone just for the sake of not being ‘alone’. Alone time is….completely underrated these days….It needs a facelift. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with the online community :)

  • Lotta October 13th, 2011 9:14 PM

    Being 15 i’m not too comfortable with the fact i have never been kissed, i tend to think WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? But i’m definitely not going to rush into anything with just anyone. I hope that my pain in the short run will turn into happiness in the long run. Thanks for writing this article and making me believe that my time being single should not be so ‘painful’.

  • Steph. October 13th, 2011 9:46 PM

    This was so great. REALLY. I’m 18 and though I’ve made out with some boys and girls, it was never good because I’d do that just to tell people that I had done, and this is not nice. Now it’s a little weird when all my friends are talking about their boyfriends and girlfriends and their crushes and making out and blablabla, and they and my parents and family always keep asking me “why don’t you have a boyfriend?” and all these things. I used to get upset about this, but now somehow I don’t anymore. I just feel so comfortable being just what I want to be and not doing things because people think I should.
    Thanks Rachel, these was very inspiring!

  • Goaty October 13th, 2011 10:58 PM

    I was a total kiss virgin till I met my sweetheart at the elderly age of 24. Now I’m 36 and we are still in love. So, don’t worry, girls! When you do find somebody worth kissing, you’ll know it. It’s ok to be picky and careful with your heart.

  • Filia-Zissy October 14th, 2011 8:08 AM

    It’s a good thing to hear “it’s okay” from the mouth of a single – when my “I’ve got a boyfriend”-friends say it, it always sounds so “aww poor girl”

    Keep doing this wise stuff – Rookie is a thousand times better than all this silly teen magazines!

    Filia
    http://filiasenchantingworld.blogspot.com/

  • sillybilly October 14th, 2011 8:21 AM

    There is hope for me yet!

  • Alvie October 14th, 2011 9:04 AM

    I liked that this wasn’t hetronormative. So thanks for that. But not all kissing has to lead to relationships.

    There is a certain taste of anti-sexuality in this story. I’m not saying that you should feel urges to go and kiss whoever. But when you say that you don’t want to just kiss someone, just for the sake of it. It feels a bit judgy.

    As a person I have experimented with my sexuality both casually and romantically with boys and girls (I’m 25). I have had fulfilling sexual experiences from both options. At times in this article it seemed as if you were saying that other people were just kissing or sleeping with each other for the sake of it. Most likely they probably enjoyed it, which is why they did it. I understand that you are coming from a place where you don’t want to be judged for still not having kissed anyone but I think there is an element of you judging people for kissing people they are not intending to be in a relationship with/not mr or mrs right. I’d just watch out, that your not speaking from a normative stance yourself. There isn’t anything wrong with sexual experimentation or not wanting to sexually experiment.

    Just sayin’.

  • hoodelally October 14th, 2011 10:38 AM

    This is an amazing article, I found the way to put the exacts words on why I try sometimes to explain. And it’s so much more revelant by somebody who actually live in this way. Just saying, it’s not a big deal resume perfectly what is all about. I did like everybody, dates, kissed, had sex, because it was alright and it was not a big deal for me. I met the right people for do all that. But I saw so many of my friends with a huge pressure on their shoulders because their were not so into all those things, finally they were kissing allt he most disgusting guys in the club for don’t have to explain why they are gorgeous women who don’t want to date. And when the sex part came out, they just took the first guy in love with them and get reach of it the most fast possible.
    Once again your article is amazing, so well written and so honest. Thank you :)

  • LouisXIV October 14th, 2011 4:41 PM

    Wow, this is probably the first time in my life I actually feel normal.
    Thanks

  • Jaszumgrl October 14th, 2011 5:40 PM

    FINALLY! Someone else was on to what I’ve been thinking. I was never into relationships until 18 when I met my current and only boyfriend. By 18 I had traveled the world, went to concerts and studied everything I wanted to study because I wasn’t caught up in all the high school drama. I never really had a crush or wanted to date anyone until I found the right person which I finally did. Thank you so much for writing this, I’m sure there are plenty of girls out there that feel horrible about being a virgin or not having a boyfriend, I was not the case, but I know girls who were like that. Women don’t need a man to feel complete and enjoy life. I’m also so glad I waited for that special someone to share all those fun and romantic moments with. (Sorry for being overly cheesy.)

  • skeletonparty October 14th, 2011 7:53 PM

    I think this might just be one of the best things Rookie has put out yet! I only wish I had read this when I was in high school! I too am a girl who never had much (well…anything) to do with boys in the past and it always made me feel weird. I now have a boyfriend who I have been with for over a year and it makes me so glad (and proud) that I was never the girl who had a new love interest every month just for the sake of it. GO ROOKIE (and Rachael)!!!!

  • cartulina October 14th, 2011 10:59 PM

    OMG!
    I’m 21 and I’m just like you, I was reading and I was thinking “when I wrote this?” then I remembered that I can’t write like this because my english sucks xD
    Anyway, I’m 21 and never been kissed and I don’t care, -sometimes I care, but then I don’t! and I’m just fine with all this.
    Girl, I loved it.

  • jeezny October 14th, 2011 11:47 PM

    Single lady pride! I’m the same exact way and people think it’s so bizarre. I don’t need someone else to be “complete”; I’m happy on my own and whenever I do find the right guy, it will only add to that.

  • Hazel October 15th, 2011 2:43 AM

    Here’s my declaration: I am 17 and have never been kissed! And I don’t mind!

    I dated a guy once but it was mostly because my friends were nudging us together and not really because we were right as a couple. We broke up after a week or so, lol. I lost a friend but I learned not to succumb to external pressure regarding my love life ever again!

    This is probably my fav article on Rookie :)

  • miss_bec61 October 15th, 2011 6:51 AM

    Woooo! yay.

    I’m 18 and I wasn’t allowed to go out till i’m 18 because of the rule that my parents made, and I love then soooo much for making that rule. :) The amount of horror on peoples faces when I told them that I had never dated and wasn’t allowed to throughout high school was priceless. I now get the same reaction when I told them i’m not kissing anyone till i’m engaged (or realllly close to it.) I was with a guy who was a year younger than me for about 10 months, then I turned 18, we went out officially for 2 weeks (only seeing each other once) then he dumped me cause he was suddenly ‘too busy for a relationship with school and yr 12 an all that’ blah blah blah. anyhow, I am finally over him and am waiting for the right guy to come along, and meanwhile, I have some growing up to do myself. :)

    So for all those girls who feel pressured into ‘dating’ (not that most teenage guys actually take you anywhere) don’t give in! you are beautiful and you don’t need a guy to make you feel needed, or special. Cause you are beautiful and special all on your own.

    I think being single is amazing. and soo much easier on your emotions too.

    And also, if dating soo many guys and kissing them is soo great then breaking up with them, ask your friends how awkward it is to see their exes with another girl. Doing the same thing.
    :/

    If there are all us freaks (woo!) out here waiting for guys who haven’t kissed a girl or had sex with them, then there are guys out there waiting for a girl who hasn’t kissed anyone or had sex with anyone as well. :)

    I love being weird. :) it’s way cool.

  • hz October 16th, 2011 1:30 AM

    Wow… i have never come across anything that has resembled my life as much as this article. I found it on Tumblr, btw. I’m 20 years old and have never had a boyfriend or been on a date. I have been kissed four times, but none of them were were actually meaningful at all. I lost my first kiss to a girl actually, at a truth or dare game during an 18th birthday a few years ago. Lame.

    All of my friends have had boyfriends and have lost their virginity, many years ago, when they were 15-16. I don’t really mind being a virgin but it does suck at times, knowing that i’ve never been asked out on a date and the fact that no one has ever wanted me to be their girlfriend.

    However, like you, i don’t really have crushes. I find it incredibly difficult to have romantic feelings for someone, you’d hardly ever catch me staring at someone, frozen and with butterflies in my stomach. It annoys me when people assume i have high standards or when they ask ‘why have you never had a boyfriend?’. In social situations with a group of people, it’s a bit embarrassing when they find that out but what else can i do. Sometimes when i watch chick flicks, i become a little sad and wonder IF (not when) i’m ever going to experience something remotely similar.

    Despite all of this, i still think things happen and it will soon all be explained. I’m also glad i never went for stupid guys who just wanted to have a one-night stand or just wanted to play around with my feelings. I’m still waiting for the right person to come along, it’s just annoying when people can’t understand that and assume I’ve deliberately decided to be single.

    Thankyou so much for your article, i’m glad to know there are people out there who are going through the same thing.

    Regards from Australia :)

  • maggiemadge October 16th, 2011 12:04 PM

    I’m glad someone wrote something about never being kissed. I’m a 18 year old who has never been on a real date let alone been kissed. There are days where I’m ask myself “where are all the guys?”, “Why do they always seem to run away from me?” I do have to admit there are days where I feel like a total freak for never getting a date, but this story gives me comfort that I am not the only single girl who has never kissed. I am glad that I never wasted time on the guys that I have liked in the past. Besides when a person is carrying 17 hours plus in three clubs, dating is put on the back-burner. Thanks for writing this!

  • madaboutmaddy October 16th, 2011 11:25 PM

    This was the best thing I’ve read in a long time, and I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. I’m 18 (holla to all the 18 year olds!) and am exactly the same. I don’t recognize when people flirt with me (if they do at all…I haven’t talked to many guys recently, haha. Usually when people ask me if I’ve ever had a boyfriend or experience, I just “jokingly” say, “Boys don’t like me.” Still, it’s not much of a joke – I’ve only ever known of maybe one or two guys that have liked me and I was not at ALL into them. At all. So I just went along my merry way of life, focusing on my own future without having the burden of a relationship on my shoulders among other stresses in my life.
    The thing is, I want to be in love. I really, really do. I’m quite the romantic, I love romance stories, I love daydreaming about the perfect boyfriend…but I want to be in love when I am in love. Whenever that may be. I am not going to force anything, because that doesn’t really work.
    I want to blame all the media on little girls out there for believing that someone is weird if they don’t as much as date someone in high school. Ever since I was little, I watched the Disney Channel and Nickelodeon and other shows/movies for tweens and kids…and whenever they depicted the life of a high schooler (or sometimes middle schoolers), they always showed how the girl gets the guy, goes on a date with him, etc, etc…or the guy gets the girl of his dreams. I grew up thinking that was normal, but I was so proud of myself for being “weird” and not giving myself away so easily. I give my mother credit for that one. She’s the one who told me it was better to give yourself to someone who you really trust and who deserves you. It makes it that much more meaningful.
    Thanks again for this article, I loved it :)

  • kelsey October 16th, 2011 11:33 PM

    Yesssssss.
    When’s the first club meeting? I’m 21 and proud to be in the same boat. I can’t say how RIDICULOUSLY happy this article made me feel. I think about this stuff all the time – but, gee whiz, what a shock to find that other people are okay being single.

    Also, legit lol about not knowing when people are flirting with you. I feel like I’m missing some sort of flirting radar. At what point does banter turn into flirting? I got asked out once (and, mercifully, refused quite cheerfully and unconsciously) without knowing what was going on.

  • ebtnc October 17th, 2011 5:20 PM

    Props to every girl out there who can sympathize with this article. I am an old person so I hope you don’t my commenting but my daughter is a happy 19 yo.
    I’m 48 and after divorcing 12 years ago I never remarried and have found a single life is a happy life. The only time I don’t like it is when I get “the look” that not-so-subtley asks “What’s wrong with you then?” Men are wonderful, but they’re mightly demanding. Involved or single, both are valid and happy options, just stay true to yourself.

  • RoobieChoosdy October 18th, 2011 8:47 AM

    I intended to submit a piece just like this. I just celebrated my 24th birthday and have only been kissed twice. I thought it might change when I moved out on my own but my first year and a half has been alone. I still feel for guys and am trying Internet dating but I’m glad to see that I’m not the only virgin in town even though some of my friends (younger might I add) always make me feel like it.

  • ceceliaaa October 19th, 2011 3:10 AM

    thank you so much for this. i am nineteen and i feel so alone in this sense. i’m the same way with crushes, also. <3

  • Lara October 20th, 2011 10:31 PM

    I feel like you’ve described my life in a single blog post. I’m 21 and have never been kissed, never tried to kiss, never dated. Through middle and high school, I was never really interested in anyone in a romantic sense – those who did interest me, I found I only wanted to get to know better; I didn’t want to date them. I had male friends, even a male best friend, but that’s all we were: friends. But people didn’t get that. For years, everyone would ask me why my best friend and I weren’t dating, and they wouldn’t believe me when I said I wasn’t interested.

    Through high school, I always said “when I get to college, maybe I’ll find someone.” I’m now a senior in college…and it’s now changed to “when I get into the real world and start working.”

    I’m in no rush to jump into the “dating game”, but sometimes, I feel like my family has started to lose patience with me, or worse, given up on expecting me to find anyone. My grandparents used to ask me if I had met anyone – they haven’t asked in a few years. They and my parents would always joke back and forth about when I’d get married – last year or so, they actually said “we all know that’s not happening for a while” and instead changed the joke to focus on my younger sibling. Times like that, I almost feel like I’ve disappointed them.

    Most of the time, though, I’m glad that I haven’t flung myself into things too quickly. And I’m so glad to hear that I’m not the only one!

  • heyhayley6 October 21st, 2011 2:15 AM

    I can totally relate to this. I never wanted to date in school! I thought it was so pointless and yes, it also kept me out of alot of needless drama. I actually wasn’t even looking for a relationship but I met the most amazing guy and we were best friends for a while. Now we are in a serious relationship and plan on being together for life. We still haven’t kissed (darn long distance relationship) but I know he will be my first kiss and that is an awesome thought. Its funny because we both joke about how much we love being single but when we’re together, we don’t feel like we’re in some heavy relationship. He’s the only guy worth not being single for. I love him so much

  • Kennedy October 22nd, 2011 10:57 PM

    I’m 15, and I’ve never actually dated anyone. Most of my friends have had boyfriends, but I’m always the single one. I did have my first kiss freshman year though. I was on a train with some kids from my school and we were playing truth or dare at 3 in the morning. I got dared to kiss one boy I kinda had a crush on, and then was told someone would pay me $5 if I did since I had been reluctant to do so. I did it, but now I wish I had saved my first kiss for someone more special to me.

  • trundle April 20th, 2012 7:51 PM

    I had my first kiss in college, but it wasn’t a “choice.” I spent most of high school feeling there must be something horrendously wrong with me. I was too embarrassed and ashamed to even talk to my friends about it. I didn’t lie, but pretended by omission.

    In my first month of college, I finally met a boy. I didn’t find him very attractive, nor did we have similar interests, but I didn’t see that as mattering – HE LIKED ME, so I pursued it. I had my first kiss, and then first sex, within a week – it was so forgettable I wish I could forget it. I didn’t tell him it was my first for either. I’d had sex so quickly because I was ashamed of being a virgin, and then I became terrified I might be a slut and so stayed in the relationship for six months. Six terrible, psychologically damaging months. Inevitably, of course, he stopped unreciprocatedly “liking” me, and any remaining self-esteem evaporated.

    I haven’t kissed or had sex with anyone since (I’m 21 now). I still gripe to myself, but now my singleness HAS become a choice. I have school and hobbies and friends — who could possibly have time for romance?? I get weird looks when I share I’m happy being single, but I’m realizing how important it is to share it, to show people in similar positions they don’t need to feel ashamed about themselves. Maybe they’re not ready, maybe they are but just haven’t met anyone yet, maybe they don’t have time. It’s all okay.

    So thank you so much for posting this. I hope it helps some teenage girls get to a happy place without having to go through all the self-hate and anxiety that I did.

  • PennyLane April 25th, 2012 2:00 AM

    Such a refreshing article! Great Job!

  • definitelynotpatty April 29th, 2012 7:11 PM

    I thought I was alone in my extreme virginity. I’m glad to hear I’m not. *at peace*

  • johanne May 1st, 2013 11:49 AM

    my cousin asks me every time we meet if i have met a guy, and my answer is always “no.” I started high school (not a real high school, because i’m not from America), and i’ve never been dating anyone, or had serious crushes. It is like she expects it, she is single too at them moment, and i’m like, why can’t she just accept that i am single. All of my friends are single too, so the thought of having a boyfriend is kinda awkward.
    I think your article is great, thank you!

  • honeychurch May 8th, 2013 8:58 AM

    Verrrrry late to this but I was 19 before I had my first kiss, 23 before I slept with someone and I’m 24, having never been anyone’s girlfriend. There’s such a taboo around being single but like the author said your choices are your own and don’t impact anyone else if you decide to move your life elsewhere! I still get sad when friends bail on me to spend time holidaying or hanging out with their SO’s, but you shouldn’t have to settle until you feel its right for you. xx

  • Hailey Rose Jones May 10th, 2013 2:34 AM

    Thanks for the article, I need to remember that my own v-card status isn’t a big deal. I’ll get to this stuff when it comes, for now I just need to focus on what’s in front of me. If someday a boy pops up, then maybe it’ll be time then!

  • Anna Henry May 12th, 2013 6:52 AM

    Hey there, I am Hannah. I’m 24, from Ireland and I was inspired to write this after I saw a link on the HuffPost.

    What Rachael wrote is spot on. There is so, so, so much pressure out there to have your first kiss in your teens. It’s absolute..well, as Gaeilge the word is cac (crap). I had my first kiss at the age of 19. Did I enjoy it? Not at all- the only reason I did it is because I was so ashamed to be 19 and not kissed. I lost my virginity when I was 21, again, on my part, purely because I was ashamed and embarrassed to be a 21 year old virgin.

    It’s only recently that I’ve realized how crappy and messed up that was. Screw society- approach life at your own pace and forget what everybody else says.

    (BTW- Tavi Gevinson et al- you are wonderful. I wish this site was around when I was a teenager).

  • June 15th, 2013 8:58 AM

    Finally i found someone who thinks as the way that i do, i don’t care about having a boyfriend, i mean i would like to but the are more important things in my life. My only wish is not to be alone, i mean, having my gang to talk whit everytime i want to.