Fun

Real-Live Romance Tips From a Real-Live Guy

Since you’re always dying to know what is on the brains of 7th grade boys.

Me in a few years, just wait! Lawlz.

Hey brahs!

(No homo.)

My name is Will McPhilson, as in Chill McChillson, as in can I get some fries wit dat McChillson ayyyyyy up high!, and I’m here to educate you girls on the younger end of the teenage spectrum (sextrum) about middle-school dating, which I am an expert on. You cougars of the high school set are welcome to read on, too. (Wink.)

Junior high is crazy, am I right? Like, all this shit’s going down, Axe sales are going up, and suddenly Facebook is all, oooooh, look at me, I have boobies and know how to use Picnik. This is called “hormones,” which I learned cuz once on Yahoo! Answers I was like “ayo why do i sweat so much” and everyone was like “Are you twelve?” and I was like “yea ur mom” and then they were like, “hormones, LOOK IT UP” and I did but then Google gave me some science shit so I was like pfft, eff this, later brah. (No homo.)

So whatever these hormones are, they are bouncing off the walls of some tiny-ass middle school, like why are all these horny lil kids cooped up together in one building, I have no clue. Some boys are what my mom calls “late bloomers” and are still reading their Highlights and Ranger Rick shit, but real men (spoiler alert: ME! lawlz) have already moved on to the more risqué Seventeens stolen from our big sisters’ rooms. I’ve noticed that they have all these tips on what guys think in there. Since I am a real guy, I thought I would offer my tips here at Rookie, cuz I think the female race could benefit from knowing all this shiz, and I think the male race would benefit from the female race knowing it cuz then we can achieve maximum X-treme potential closed-mouth kissing plej (short for pleasure, look it up).

First of all, if you decide to ask out a guy, MAKE SURE it’s on Facebook chat. Nothing is more awkward than having to talk to a girl in real life. So chat his azz up, be sure to use abreevs and smilies and be all flirty, and make sure your profile picture is lookin’ good, cuz he is def gonna click on your profile, and judge your ass.

Second of all, actually, don’t talk to each other ever! It’s not like you’re gonna marry this bro. Stick to the smilies and physical action (don’t worry ladies, I’ll get there in a sec) and you’ll be all good. In fact, I am going to share with you a really great convo I had with a girl I went out with last week, it was pretty baller, we totally got to first base on Friday:

Jessie: hey
Me: hey
Jessie: wu
Me: nm u
Jessie: nm
Me: lol same here
Jessie: ya lol

Yeah, that was a good week.

As promised, time for the pHySiCaL aCtIoN ayyyyy up high! Let’s talk setting first. These are the ONLY aprops places to play tonsil tennis (look it up, pfft) with your boi:

Juke party: Preferable cuz EVERY1 will be all up on each other so no one will care about whatever you and your boi do (till you go posting it all over Facebook, lawlz).
Your friend’s house: If you do decide to get together at a friend’s, be sure to sneak away while everyone else in your group is too busy watching Jersey Shore to notice that you’re off to get your own snooki if you know what I mean! (If you don’t, “snooki” means closed-mouth kiss, duh, pfft.)
8th grade graduation dance: The problem with the school dance is that your saggy old social studies teacher will be in the corner makin’ eyes at you. Oh wait! I forgot you are not me. I just got confused for a sec there cuz those cat lady teachers are always checkin me out on the dance floor. I mean, have you ever heard a more obvious pick up line than “You’ve spilled punch all over your pants, let’s get you some gym shorts from the nurse’s”? Yeah right, Mrs. K. I see you, girl. You girls should just make sure you look slutty in some sick-ass dress (but don’t be slutty, know what I’m saying)?

The fourth thing you need to know is SWAGG. Every 12-year-old boy I know loves a girl with a tight-ass Hollister-ass T-shirt ass (ass). You know what, it doesn’t even need to be Hollister, just as long as you have some kind of eagle or seagull or moose or dog or whateva of some kind, you will be all set. I mean, as long as you keep away from this kind of shit, because then you may as well go be reading Ranger Rick with all the other 11-year-olds (pfft).

By this point, you may be thinking, “I got this, McChill, but what about when we’re at the learning box?” Stick to the FB-chat-only rule — that includes not talking in school. Leave your bedroom eyes friend’s basement eyes at the door when you walk in and pick them up only if you’re heading to a juke party on the way out, ayyyyy up high.

And, since Halloween is coming up and I’m feelin’ extra generous, I’ll give you some costume ideas that’ll be sure to lock in your next boyfriend in no time: slutty candy, slutty nursery-rhymes characters, and slutty animals. Again, I repeat, you wanna LOOK slutty, but don’t act slutty. That’s just gross. Take advantage of this special holiday to pass off your hotness as arts n crafts (no homo @ my talking about crafts).

NO, you know what would be SO SICK? If you were a slutty animal in a tight ass t-shirt with an animal logo on it. Like, dress as a moose, and then wear an Abercrombie shirt with a moose on it. Holy shit, you owe me SO MUCH.

In conclusion, just stick to my guidelines and you’ll be surfing the tight-ass waves of the middle school dating pool in no time. Let me know how it goes! But only if your explanation doesn’t extend beyond “hey,” “wu,” and “nmu.” (Lawlz.)

Now, let’s get to the burning question that’s really on your mind—yes, ladies, I am single! ♦

64 Comments

  • taylortarantino October 4th, 2011 7:23 PM

    Oh my this is so true. This is every stereotype of the freshman kids at my school.

  • Dani October 4th, 2011 7:26 PM

    ahahaha this is hilarious. absolutly hilarial ahaha:)

  • Maialuna October 4th, 2011 7:28 PM

    Bahahahahah! This is hilarious! *Laughter seizure*

  • rhymeswithorange October 4th, 2011 7:30 PM

    I can’t even begin to explain how right-on this was! ah, middle school. Very funny awesome job :)

  • linnea October 4th, 2011 7:31 PM

    Ha ha OH MY LORD!!! I am literally laughing my tight-ass off! (Not really but on the inside he he..)

    This piece is so great, it totally felt like those were the “rules” when I was in middleschool. And I was never any good at them = no boyz 4 me. Haha.

    But now afterwards I’m kinda glad, who wants to date an immature and insecure dude anyways? Boys are like wine – most of them get better with age ;)

    Thanks for making me laugh in the middle of the night!

  • MissBullshit October 4th, 2011 7:32 PM

    It’s funny because it’s true!

  • annagracie October 4th, 2011 7:33 PM

    Accurate.

  • Gabby October 4th, 2011 7:38 PM

    i laughed SO HARD

  • linnea October 4th, 2011 7:40 PM

    … except we didn’t have Facebook in my day x) It was all about this site called Lunarstorm. At least in Sweden he he :)

  • genina October 4th, 2011 7:40 PM

    Chill McChillson should have his own ‘Dear Boy’-style column. Just sayin’!

  • Mollie October 4th, 2011 7:43 PM

    no homo but this article is SICKKK

  • Audrey October 4th, 2011 7:47 PM

    hahahahahahahahaha <3

  • unicorn October 4th, 2011 7:50 PM

    i know a boy exactly like this. seriously, right down to the tight ass lingo and the “im single ladies!”
    he never wonders why he is single.

  • yvettethelady October 4th, 2011 7:51 PM

    This article transported me back to an era of an awkward, melodramatic and egocentric state of being. I laughed throughout and couldn’t help but be ashamed to admit I was there at one point in life.

    Thank my lucky stars that was a passing phase and that I got those things called hormones under control.

  • Wednesday Addams October 4th, 2011 7:52 PM

    I am a freshman and I do not talk like that. ever.

    • back2thepast October 5th, 2011 6:33 PM

      well thank you for being decent. I praise you.

  • Dylan October 4th, 2011 7:55 PM

    I might be crying real laughter tears right now in class no big

  • EveyMarrie October 4th, 2011 8:02 PM

    I choked while drinking milk reading this. (Perhaps beverages by the computer is not a good idea in the first place). Anywho, I laughed my ass (ass) off, teehee.

  • I.ila October 4th, 2011 8:07 PM

    Ack I agree with genina Chill really needs a column…
    It would be funny-ass lolzzz :-) :-) ;-)

  • Pashupati October 4th, 2011 8:28 PM

    I just don’t get it.
    From what thing is it a satire?
    I guess it’s an american thing. The joke is lost on me.

  • puffytoad October 4th, 2011 8:41 PM

    Does it still count as cool if the shirt has an eagle, a seagull, a moose, *and* a dog or whateva on it?

    • julalondon October 5th, 2011 5:30 AM

      if the shirt is reeeeeeeally tight and you look SLUTTY with it, ‘course! but dont ACT SLUTTY ok? got it?? :-)

  • JordyCatalano October 4th, 2011 8:47 PM

    I’m dying. Dead. Oh sweet lord, how accurate.

  • katrina October 4th, 2011 8:59 PM

    I definitely pictured Justin Beiber telling me this the entire time I was reading it.

  • chilljill47 October 4th, 2011 9:02 PM

    ahahaha oh god i love this… middle school is so weird in so many ways and this kind of just captures the essence of it

  • atrevidinha October 4th, 2011 9:18 PM

    oh my god this brought me back to middle school. I’m five years out of that hellhole now and I just will never cease to question why adults decided that sequestering all sweaty, awkward, vicious 11-13 year olds in one place would be the best environment to “transition” them (read:normalize, and let them psychologically beat the shit out of one another) to the upper echelons of *~*~*h1gH Sch00l~*~* and teenager-dom.

    on an unrelated note, “juke party” is such chicago slang hahahhahaha I’m from Michigan and going to uni in chicago is the only reason why I know that term

  • Whatsername October 4th, 2011 9:19 PM

    Oh my God this made my day.

    7th grade at its finest.

  • writeranddreamer October 4th, 2011 9:22 PM

    right on-target with the middle school “dating” scene… thanks tavi:)

  • Jenn October 4th, 2011 9:38 PM

    ACCURATE!

  • yume October 4th, 2011 9:48 PM

    i’m still in middle school and the no homos, Polo obsessions, sagging pants, and “swag”…good lord i don’t think it will end.

  • rayano-banano October 4th, 2011 10:14 PM

    I’m kind of disappointed that this wasn’t a real article, which would be great

  • Thepunkrocker October 4th, 2011 10:43 PM

    Why was I reading this with a low guy-interpreted voice?

  • PoisonIvy October 4th, 2011 10:44 PM

    this is so realistic it’s scaring me.

  • Laia October 4th, 2011 11:30 PM

    “plej” + “abreevz” 4 da winz

  • andy October 4th, 2011 11:33 PM

    tavi…….. ….. ….. … . … .. is so accurate on this.

  • broguishrogue October 4th, 2011 11:42 PM

    McChillson is so chill.

  • littleDani October 5th, 2011 12:07 AM

    i lol’d. middle shcool is so ridiculous and you totally captured this perfectly. props brah

  • Tavi October 5th, 2011 12:25 AM

    will told me to say thanks to you guys for him

  • Lulli October 5th, 2011 1:42 AM

    This is so hilarious. I’m form Australia would yr 8 be classified as middle school?

  • October 5th, 2011 4:44 AM

    Not only does Will have a way with the ladies, he also has quite the way with words (or should that be abreevs)? My head was spinning by the end of that!

    That’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever read :-))

    “tight-ass Hollister-ass T-shirt ass (ass).” <3

  • samhatt October 5th, 2011 5:14 AM

    I couldn’t stop laughing he he he :P, what people succumb to i will never understand.
    I go to a high school where some boys speak shades of this, is this exactly what it’s like in the u.s.?

  • Bean October 5th, 2011 8:44 AM

    Sorry to be the negative feedback but if I ran across someone like that, and I did much more than once, I would either flick him off, punch him, or tell him he’s an idiot and not going anywhere. Which I did. I don’t know if it’s satirical but I truly hope it is. Otherwise it is not teaching girl power or fitting with the embrace you inner witch sort of deal… There’s a reason people were afraid to talk to me most days. It’s because I really hate people who act like that and I don’t tolerate it being done to me. Also, “no homo” is incredibly offensive (not to mention doesn’t even make sense in this context). I’m just sayin’. It disappoints me to read this on rookie if it’s not satirical.

  • erinnyvonne October 5th, 2011 11:49 AM

    cougar crush on diz kid. and by cougar, i mean i’m 19…………..furrulz lulz

  • Michael October 5th, 2011 11:51 AM

    Is this supposed to be satire? Because if not, then this is an incredibly ridiculous post. Between the illiteracy, the misogynist spiel, and the perpetuation of subjugation of middle school girls, I think this post should NOT be on Rookie. Whether or not this is satire or not is irrelevant. I am disgusted by this post. Rather than talking about what what this writer perceives middle schoolers as thinking, writers on Rookie should be talking about how to break down such offensive points of view.

    • Bee October 5th, 2011 3:38 PM

      I totally agree. I am disgusted by this post.

  • izzybee October 5th, 2011 3:10 PM

    this is hilarious! im so glad I’m not one of those hollister girls. xD

  • Bee October 5th, 2011 3:37 PM

    This is disgusting, degrading, and plan rude. I can’t believe Rookie would actually post this.

  • Sophii October 5th, 2011 3:54 PM

    This. Is. Funny.
    “Lawlz!”
    http://thechicmuse000.blogspot.com/

  • Perdue October 5th, 2011 6:19 PM

    It’s satirical, so I don’t think it is disgusting or degrading. This point of view isn’t the best, but I’m actually interested in the american middle school male stereotype. This humor has to be here, we were given discernment right?
    Some “true” male point of view might be interesting to read, but that would mean all XY are the same…I’m living in France now and behaviours sure are different from those from South America, where I come from (latinos are sweet! :p). So give us more US male ayyyy up high!

  • Avis Mae October 5th, 2011 7:58 PM

    pfft, hilarious!

  • Ann October 5th, 2011 10:20 PM

    Oh, I guess it just shows why most girls that age might date an older boy!

    But lets get serious and call this kid on some of this shit: 1) look slutty but dont BE slutty???– thats a real clear statement of the age-old double standard. A double standard which keep men and women from being whole- grown-up sexual, honest, real, upfront people.

  • meganemk October 6th, 2011 7:47 AM

    Hahahaha holy shit this was great!

  • WitchesRave October 6th, 2011 12:45 PM

    Oh.
    Shit.
    I feel stupid..
    I was about to go on a rant on how much this post made me want to vomit, then i realised it was satire…

    In that case,

    AWESOME, as in, I AM IN AWE!

  • cfsizz October 6th, 2011 12:59 PM

    This has to be the funniest thing ever! (lawlz)

  • a.c harry truman October 7th, 2011 7:03 PM

    I’m still laughing. I’m giggling right now! Jajajajajaja. Way to get in to character Tavi! Are you sure youre not actually a 12 year old boy??

  • shelly October 8th, 2011 12:18 PM

    OMG! best purim costume ever. totally gonna use it this year.
    I owe u so much McChillson

  • serena October 10th, 2011 2:44 AM

    I really hope the people who thought this was serious were joking. I laughed so hard. “If you don’t, “snooki” means closed-mouth kiss, duh, pfft” hahahahha

  • Runfabulous October 11th, 2011 1:08 PM

    I may or may not have snorted tea at my desk at work.

    The sad part is, it takes a looooong time for (most of) them to change. This could basically be my college experience, but substitute sex for closed-mouth kissing.

  • Lily October 12th, 2011 3:11 AM

    hahahaha tavi this made me giggle! good job on this. it’s incredibly accurate!

  • Isabelle here. October 12th, 2011 4:56 PM

    No words. This is fabulous. Well done, I loved it (no homo lawlz).

  • Zia Clark April 1st, 2013 8:51 PM

    I was dying laughing the entire time reading this! Hands down best Article I think I have ever read!