If you are the kind of person to encounter human beings in your life, you probably will find yourself needing a bitchface eventually. A bitchface is a beauty essential for any true lady—the kind of accessory that says, “You are a fucking idiot, why am I still talking to you.” Here, I show you multiple faces for reacting to varying levels of stupidity, including handy step-by-step how-tos.
This is your very basic bitchface. Your canvas, if you will. For the art of bitchfacing, and your many bitchface experiences to come, in your long, long lives ahead of you. Sigh, thinking about the children of our world makes me emotional!
STEP ONE: Look as much like you don’t care as possible. Remember, the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference! So keep a straight face, and don’t flinch. (It always helps me to pretend I am a corpse.) If you’re one of those god-awful people who look all cheerful all the time, whose faces just naturally fall into a smile of any kind, you might have to use a little extra muscle to keep it looking like an emoticon.
STEP TWO: Hold this look until a little bit after the person stops talking. The extra time will make them nervous—they won’t know if you can’t tell the difference between the sound of the wind blowing and their voice, or if they’ve bored you so much that you’ve fallen asleep with your eyes open, or if you just don’t even know how to respond because they are such a flaming imbecile. All of these are positive things. Keep staring. Stay strong. You go, girl.
This one requires a little more effort than the typical bitchface, and shows the beholder that their stupidity was bad enough to cause you to actually contort your face. Use sparingly. Few people are worth your muscle movement. And you can quote me on that the next time you want to get out of gym.
STEP ONE: Smize. (If you don’t know how, click here and feel forever changed.)
STEP TWO: Furrow your brow suspiciously.
STEP THREE: Open your mouth ever so slightly like you’re about to eat a mini cheeseburger. (NOT a mini plain burger. Then your mouth will be too small. This hypothetical cheese slice may be mini, but it makes a huge difference.) Crinkle your nose a little so the shape of your mouth is one of utter disgust. May require a little nostril flare action.
STEP FOUR: Here’s the real zinger! When you add the brow furrowing to the smize, your eyes get a bit too small for all of your repulsion to show through. Open them up a leeeeetle more to give the onlooker a flash of ICE. And they’ll be like, “What is this, a 2002 animated comedy about talking animals starring Ray Romano?!” And you’ll be like:
And then they will never bother you ever again.
“IS ANYONE ELSE HEARING THIS?”
This one is good for when you’re with a group of people. Just crinkle up your face a bit—the sweet spots are the brow and mouth—and look to the people around you. The person talking will feel like everyone has ganged up on them, even if it’s only the power of your eyes. This also works when you’re not with other people, because they will see that you are so bored that you are utilizing your peripheral vision to look for somewhere to escape to.
This one requires a bit of sass, if you’re game. Start with your Unamused look from earlier.
STEP ONE: Raise your eyebrows. (This is WAY different from furrowing; do not confuse the two.) Furrow them EVER SO SLIGHTLY in the middle to take your look from “surprised” to “in disbelief and a little skeptical.”
STEP TWO: Push your face back, like the first half of that head bob motion douchebags do when they’re listening to dubstep on their iPods while walking to class. This will show that you are taken aback. By the talking person’s stupidity.
NOTE: My hand is only there to push my bangs back so you could see my eyebrows, but hands are definitely a useful tool when bitchfacing. Which brings us to…
FACE ONE: Cup your hands around your nose and flatten them together. This will look like you are refraining yourself from telling this person the sad, bitter truth about how pathetic they are. Closed eyes will give the effect of increased frustration. Don’t worry too much if it looks like you’re praying. The dumbass will probably think you are praying for someone to save you from this terrible conversation, or for them to shut up, both of which you probably are.
FACE TWO: For added effect, breathe loudly and deeply. Dip your head down and stare up from under the very tops of your eyelids. I can’t explain why this works so well. It just does. Don’t question it. Just live it.
FACE THREE: Ignore this one. I was switching faces and Photobooth was too fast for me. I practice what I preach, and I don’t use extra muscle energy even for you guys.
FACE FOUR: Massage your temples with the tips of your fingers. It will look like you have a headache from the other person’s voice/ideas/existence. Widening your eyeballs and clenching your jaw add a special quality, too.
A DRINK: You can make slurping noises to show how bored you are. Here I am using milk. (No ice this time.) When this photo was taken I was on my Not Showering Cleanse, as well as my Lie in Bed All Day Diet, in addition to using my Special Designer Skin Cream Made From Organic Skin Grease, and wearing my Sexy Moustache Hat. I warn you now, however, that these little beauty secrets of mine may not work as well for you as they did for me. I also recommend having lots of photos of Justin Bieber in the background so you too look extra bitchfaced in comparison. (For what it’s worth, these are not my JB photos, it is a room in our house with air conditioning.) (I believe I took this photo to express to Anaheed how much I hated someone or something.)
YOUR TONGUE/JAW: If you shift your bottom jaw to the side a bit and move your tongue around inside, you will look extra impatient.
A GUN: Will just add to your general intimidatingness. But I don’t condone violence.
And there you have it! Next time someone is wasting your life with their voice, any look from this rainbow of options ranging from passive-aggressive to aggressive-aggressive will help ward them off. Some might call you insensitive or rude, but to those haters, just shoot any other one of these looks right back at them. If you are continually criticized, just keep bitchfacing. Forever. And ever. (And don’t sue Rookie when you eventually need surgery to be able to smile. For the day you want to smile, you’ll have become one of them.) ♦