Fun

How to Bitchface

Channel your inner Martha Stewart with this crafty DIY.

If you are the kind of person to encounter human beings in your life, you probably will find yourself needing a bitchface eventually. A bitchface is a beauty essential for any true lady—the kind of accessory that says, “You are a fucking idiot, why am I still talking to you.” Here, I show you multiple faces for reacting to varying levels of stupidity, including handy step-by-step how-tos.
 
 

UNAMUSED

This is your very basic bitchface. Your canvas, if you will. For the art of bitchfacing, and your many bitchface experiences to come, in your long, long lives ahead of you. Sigh, thinking about the children of our world makes me emotional!

STEP ONE: Look as much like you don’t care as possible. Remember, the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference! So keep a straight face, and don’t flinch. (It always helps me to pretend I am a corpse.) If you’re one of those god-awful people who look all cheerful all the time, whose faces just naturally fall into a smile of any kind, you might have to use a little extra muscle to keep it looking like an emoticon.

STEP TWO: Hold this look until a little bit after the person stops talking. The extra time will make them nervous—they won’t know if you can’t tell the difference between the sound of the wind blowing and their voice, or if they’ve bored you so much that you’ve fallen asleep with your eyes open, or if you just don’t even know how to respond because they are such a flaming imbecile. All of these are positive things. Keep staring. Stay strong. You go, girl.
 
 

REPULSED

This one requires a little more effort than the typical bitchface, and shows the beholder that their stupidity was bad enough to cause you to actually contort your face. Use sparingly. Few people are worth your muscle movement. And you can quote me on that the next time you want to get out of gym.

STEP ONE: Smize. (If you don’t know how, click here and feel forever changed.)

STEP TWO: Furrow your brow suspiciously.

STEP THREE: Open your mouth ever so slightly like you’re about to eat a mini cheeseburger. (NOT a mini plain burger. Then your mouth will be too small. This hypothetical cheese slice may be mini, but it makes a huge difference.) Crinkle your nose a little so the shape of your mouth is one of utter disgust. May require a little nostril flare action.

STEP FOUR: Here’s the real zinger! When you add the brow furrowing to the smize, your eyes get a bit too small for all of your repulsion to show through. Open them up a leeeeetle more to give the onlooker a flash of ICE. And they’ll be like, “What is this, a 2002 animated comedy about talking animals starring Ray Romano?!” And you’ll be like:

And then they will never bother you ever again.
 
 

“IS ANYONE ELSE HEARING THIS?”

This one is good for when you’re with a group of people. Just crinkle up your face a bit—the sweet spots are the brow and mouth—and look to the people around you. The person talking will feel like everyone has ganged up on them, even if it’s only the power of your eyes. This also works when you’re not with other people, because they will see that you are so bored that you are utilizing your peripheral vision to look for somewhere to escape to.
 
 

“REALLY?”

This one requires a bit of sass, if you’re game. Start with your Unamused look from earlier.

STEP ONE: Raise your eyebrows. (This is WAY different from furrowing; do not confuse the two.) Furrow them EVER SO SLIGHTLY in the middle to take your look from “surprised” to “in disbelief and a little skeptical.”

STEP TWO: Push your face back, like the first half of that head bob motion douchebags do when they’re listening to dubstep on their iPods while walking to class. This will show that you are taken aback. By the talking person’s stupidity.

NOTE: My hand is only there to push my bangs back so you could see my eyebrows, but hands are definitely a useful tool when bitchfacing. Which brings us to…
 
 

HANDS

FACE ONE: Cup your hands around your nose and flatten them together. This will look like you are refraining yourself from telling this person the sad, bitter truth about how pathetic they are. Closed eyes will give the effect of increased frustration. Don’t worry too much if it looks like you’re praying. The dumbass will probably think you are praying for someone to save you from this terrible conversation, or for them to shut up, both of which you probably are.

FACE TWO: For added effect, breathe loudly and deeply. Dip your head down and stare up from under the very tops of your eyelids. I can’t explain why this works so well. It just does. Don’t question it. Just live it.

FACE THREE: Ignore this one. I was switching faces and Photobooth was too fast for me. I practice what I preach, and I don’t use extra muscle energy even for you guys.

FACE FOUR: Massage your temples with the tips of your fingers. It will look like you have a headache from the other person’s voice/ideas/existence. Widening your eyeballs and clenching your jaw add a special quality, too.
 
 

ACCESSORIES

A DRINK: You can make slurping noises to show how bored you are. Here I am using milk. (No ice this time.) When this photo was taken I was on my Not Showering Cleanse, as well as my Lie in Bed All Day Diet, in addition to using my Special Designer Skin Cream Made From Organic Skin Grease, and wearing my Sexy Moustache Hat. I warn you now, however, that these little beauty secrets of mine may not work as well for you as they did for me. I also recommend having lots of photos of Justin Bieber in the background so you too look extra bitchfaced in comparison. (For what it’s worth, these are not my JB photos, it is a room in our house with air conditioning.) (I believe I took this photo to express to Anaheed how much I hated someone or something.)

YOUR TONGUE/JAW: If you shift your bottom jaw to the side a bit and move your tongue around inside, you will look extra impatient.

A GUN: Will just add to your general intimidatingness. But I don’t condone violence.

And there you have it! Next time someone is wasting your life with their voice, any look from this rainbow of options ranging from passive-aggressive to aggressive-aggressive will help ward them off. Some might call you insensitive or rude, but to those haters, just shoot any other one of these looks right back at them. If you are continually criticized, just keep bitchfacing. Forever. And ever. (And don’t sue Rookie when you eventually need surgery to be able to smile. For the day you want to smile, you’ll have become one of them.) ♦

77 Comments

  • Marguerite October 20th, 2011 3:13 PM

    People who are happy 24/7 scare me! (sorry no offense) I just can’t stand their happiness! My face just naturally frowns and I am horrible at holding back my bitchface

  • Raindrops October 20th, 2011 3:19 PM

    Great Article,
    I love the first face most, it looks so damn bored^^
    And I already know in which situation I will be using it.. my next physics teaching :D
    Thank you Tavi for this inspiration! :)

  • Jenzo October 20th, 2011 3:24 PM

    You are wise beyond your years, m’dear.

  • cherryred October 20th, 2011 3:42 PM

    Oh Tavi you are great!!! Love this post so much :-D

  • moonchild October 20th, 2011 3:42 PM

    I love you so much Tavi. I shall use these faces often.

    http://under-a-bridge.blogspot.com/

  • Naomi October 20th, 2011 3:43 PM

    Tavi, I want you to know that I did all of these carefully and throughly and used my webcam to check I was doing it all right. Thank you for being my teacher. Tomorrow I shall go out into the world and put my best bitchface forward.

  • Naomi October 20th, 2011 3:46 PM

    Also, wait. You DON’T put ice in milk?!

    • Tavi October 20th, 2011 4:44 PM

      normally yes. just not this time around.

  • Cosmo Beatrix October 20th, 2011 3:48 PM

    comedy gowldddd

  • Hannah October 20th, 2011 3:50 PM

    I have multiple .gifs of my bitchfaces. It’s fun times. My mouth is naturally frowny so these things come to me with ease, but I am glad you are offering tutorials to those less-blessed in the grumps department.

    A bitchface fyt: http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnjgpgkTMS1ql7lyuo1_400.gif

  • Dylan October 20th, 2011 4:00 PM

    ugh I’m dying right now. Mostly because I pull any/all of these on a daily basis to all of my teachers at some point during class

  • Sasssquatch October 20th, 2011 4:01 PM

    Tavi, you know how much I adore you, but goodness, this post has sent me over the moon and back in admiration to you! You’re writing is just spectacular and this post, this post is just amazing. I will work on my bitch faces and get back to you!!

    <3

  • Sphinx October 20th, 2011 4:04 PM

    Born with a natural bitchface, using it 24/7.
    “IS ANYONE ELSE HEARING THIS?” is the one used most often, sadly.

  • emilyelizabeth October 20th, 2011 4:05 PM

    this made my day. thank you, Tavi.

  • Toilets October 20th, 2011 4:06 PM

    Finally, I understand that there’s a real art behind my permanent expression!

  • sobrina October 20th, 2011 4:13 PM

    I need this tutorial. I’m one of those perma-smile creeps.

  • sedgwick October 20th, 2011 4:24 PM

    this totally beats the basic eye roll

  • WitchesRave October 20th, 2011 4:39 PM

    Not gonna lie, but i totally just redid these in my mirror while i was reading this…

    You’ve probably heard this before, but you look really like a dark-haired Michelle Williams, which would make sense since she’s from Norwegian descent and i heard that you are too :)

  • Annie October 20th, 2011 4:53 PM

    I used to be embarrassed by my chronic bitchface but I’ve come to love and embrace it these past couple years.

  • puffytoad October 20th, 2011 4:57 PM

    Practicin’ with my webcam.

  • Pashupati October 20th, 2011 5:16 PM

    Well. I guess it just makes me a cool kid that UNAMUSED bitchface and HANDS 2 bitchface are my average looks.
    Only that’s just me. And 2 is how I look when I try to look interested… Well, :{

  • Renda October 20th, 2011 5:27 PM

    What if these are your normal faces? Not me, it’s my friend…

  • mangachic October 20th, 2011 5:29 PM

    I love these especially the first one!! gonna use that reaaaally soon. This magazine is amazing, I just rambled for a page to my friends about how thy have to read it or I won’t stop bothering them. Then my friend asked if she could marry rookiemag but I told her we’re already engaged. im weird that way

  • Maddy October 20th, 2011 5:33 PM

    I always thought my face was stuck in perpetually unamused but apparently I also convey regular skepticism as my teachers tell me I look doubtful.

  • Wallis October 20th, 2011 6:23 PM

    Thanks, Tavi! Unamused and Hands 2 are what I look like regularly.

  • diny October 20th, 2011 6:33 PM

    i can’t do that to girls. okay, maybe i can do that to boys who is jerk. but, i am too polite (?) to do that. many times, i just scare that everybody hate me. so, i become like …….weak.

  • susie October 20th, 2011 6:34 PM

    I love you.
    Wait……I’m pretty sure you have done every single one of these faces whilst talking to me! Hey!!!

    • Tavi October 20th, 2011 6:41 PM

      NO susie i swear i respect you.

  • Lydia October 20th, 2011 6:37 PM

    Ahaha this is great! So using the unamused face next time I have to deal with someone stupid.
    Also, Tavi, I swear that I have that same cup! :D

  • warreno October 20th, 2011 6:50 PM

    This explains it.

    I’ve seen all these expressions before (directed at others, of course) and wondered how they all seemed so well choreographed. Turns out there’s been a secret underground cabal spreading instructions all these years.

    Though I should tell you that a friend’s cousin’s younger sister once tried these expressions, and she overdid it and HER FACE GOT STUCK LIKE THAT FOREVER and now she can only get a job in telemarketing.

  • majajer October 20th, 2011 6:55 PM

    I LOVE the unamused look, I use it all the time. If some one is being particularly stupid I just stare at them blankly for a few seconds (or however long it takes for the message to sink in) and walk away without saying a word. I also have the worst poker face and look repulsed, when I don’t actually want to show it, a lot. The burdens we bear…

  • shirley October 20th, 2011 7:18 PM

    i was practicing this in history. lets hope that no one saw me, but this was so worth it!
    great article

  • unicorn October 20th, 2011 7:39 PM

    hate is not the opposite of love; apathy is.
    -rollo may
    i was thinking of that when i read step one of unamused.
    my friend got me a book of quotes about boredom for my birthday.
    apparently, i am hard to shop for.

  • loulo October 20th, 2011 8:11 PM

    Tavi! Every bitchface you make is adorable!!!

  • Whatsername October 20th, 2011 8:13 PM

    I swear to God I’m way too nice, I could never do this to anyone. I just kind of wide-eyed stare at every man, woman and object and then look away asap.

  • spacemadness October 20th, 2011 8:14 PM

    oh tavi, how i wish you could come to my school where we can bitchface it out amongst the smiling idiots.

    and by the way, hands 2 kinda looks like april from parks & recreation…i think she’d be proud :)

  • Raebbies October 20th, 2011 8:31 PM

    I have bitchface no.1 on my face 24/7. Hahaha helps when it comes to silly “oh look at me I’m so happiez all the tiem” I usually think these people are faking it. But that’s just me..

  • CariStereo October 20th, 2011 8:38 PM

    This is everything.

  • praisemanon October 20th, 2011 9:11 PM

    a wonderful how to. we all need a bitchface.

    i was curious, does rookie have a submission deadline for the next theme? when is it?

  • kalika_ma October 20th, 2011 9:17 PM

    I like Ani Difranco said it best in one of her songs, “Those people who smile a lot, watch the eyes…”

  • jeezny October 20th, 2011 9:23 PM

    Haha, this is so great! I use about half of these everyday. It really gets people to shut up and question what they’re saying when they speak!

    http://lunarescape.blospot.com/

  • rougebunnie October 20th, 2011 9:28 PM

    ha! your articles are fantastic Tavi, and i’m pretty damn sure i’ve seen every single one of these in french… “Moist” – Aeriel

  • Gretchyn October 20th, 2011 9:29 PM

    A lot of people mistake my unimpressed bitchface as “she’s depressed let’s ask her if she’s okay” + I’m like UGHH HUMILIATION

  • junebuglove October 20th, 2011 9:44 PM

    Bitchface is my every day face. And completely unrelated- but the Psych episode “Duel Spires” that is a homage to Twin Peaks is so awesome. Paula Marrel, Audette Hornsbey and a damn fine cup of cider. Hah.

  • Jenn October 20th, 2011 10:55 PM

    this is perfect in every way and I recognize so many of my own facial expressions and gestures in here bahaha. glad I’m not the only one with chronic bitchface.

  • Laia October 20th, 2011 11:02 PM

    LITERALLY BEST THING EVER.

  • otowilches October 20th, 2011 11:32 PM

    Woot woot! Loves it. Kristina Mordokovitch (krisatomic) has a great sense of bitchface-ness too http://i.imgur.com/S0Qh1.jpg

  • October 21st, 2011 12:50 AM

    I swear I haven’t seen a funnier combination of words and images in my life! But please don’t let my amusement fool you into thinking that I haven’t picked up on some of the best, most powerful advice ever. Oh-my-goodness!

    - REPULSED: Fantastic! The muscle movement was totally worth it. There’s no mixed messages or crossed signals with this one!

    - IS ANYONE ELSE HEARING THIS: “The person talking will feel like everyone has ganged up on them, even if it’s only the power of your eyes.” = So true!

    - HANDS (1): When I was looking at that picture, and reading about how the face is achieved and the effect that the various stages have… I was laughing so much! :-)))

    - HANDS (4): Yes. This definitely gets the message across! But I think that maybe the face could also be applied in another situation? Like if one of your friends that you’ve known for years (and thought that you knew pretty well), has just revealed to you in all secrecy and sincerity, that at night they become Batman. But if they’ve recently started wearing a cape, then maybe it shouldn’t come as such a surprise.

  • October 21st, 2011 12:59 AM

    P.S passive-aggressive -> “aggressive-aggressive” !!! Mind blown <3 :-))

  • lucideegee October 21st, 2011 1:32 AM

    My face is blessed with chronic bitch face. It has saved me from awkward & unwanted conversations and situations. I guess some people just don’t wanna deal with a bitch face. Overtime, I’ve come to terms with my face and it’s various degrees of bitch. Though the constant statements & questions like, “What’s wrong?” “Why are you so angry?” “You know, Life would be so much better for you if you would just smile” and so on.. , justify the angry look on my bitch face at times. I mean, hell!, Let my face be!! Love what you’re doing, Tavi! I wish I had this site when I was a teen. Three cheers for Rookie! :)

  • neelybat October 21st, 2011 1:35 AM

    my face is total bitchface all the time. that’s why people write such nasty things about me at my job on yelp.com. xo

  • taylortarantino October 21st, 2011 1:42 AM

    Oh my this post is just perfection.

  • mmcclena08 October 21st, 2011 2:02 AM

    ur hair looks nice tho

  • julalondon October 21st, 2011 6:35 AM

    Haha this is genius, i was sitting in front of my computer putting on those faces (glad no one could see me). I think evrybody is already using them for those situations but seeing a step by step / diy instruction of them is just brilliant! Thank you thank you thank you. =)

  • soybrain October 21st, 2011 8:57 AM

    wow, this is actually helpful! :) haha it’s great

  • allydoubleyou October 21st, 2011 11:18 AM

    Tavi! You forgot the face point. My girlfriend has perfected the art. I should send you pictures. You pretty much make your face look as unamused as possible and you point to it from underneath and eeeever so slightly to the side. Facepoint. Not. Funny.

  • allydoubleyou October 21st, 2011 11:21 AM

    Also, thanks for making the feminist version of the jenna marbles face. Her video on how to get people to stop talking to you is legitimately instructive and funny, but she says things about being a whore and makes jokes about “dance rape” and it’s really offensive. Sigh.

  • Motherfunker October 21st, 2011 12:40 PM

    Absolutely hilarious :’)

  • argigle October 21st, 2011 2:44 PM

    This is really funny. So good.

  • kary October 21st, 2011 4:47 PM

    i’m pretty sure i bitchfaced all day today.

  • bubbles October 22nd, 2011 8:57 AM

    French Bitchface variety #1= Shrug + Blink/subtle eye-roll.
    Rough equivalent of “I can’t even bother with you people.” Mostly works in response to stupid questions or unsolicited comments.

    ex:
    some bothersome idiot:”Why are you wearing such ugly clothing?”

    you: French Bitch Face

    sbi: walks away

  • allie.x October 22nd, 2011 5:41 PM

    I am so using this! I’m from scotland, in britain(that’s britain not england. britain and england are not the same thing) and I friggin looove ROOKIE!

  • Josefi October 22nd, 2011 6:04 PM

    OMG I LOVE U TAVIIIIIII!!!!!!!!
    THIS IS THE BEST POST EVER
    (i’m laughing like a crazy woman.)
    With my best friend (i’m from Chile) we used these faces just for joking and we called it “the american girl face” (for the movies) and were like “IS ANYONE ELSE HEARING THIS?” and HANDS, but now I CAN REALLY DO THIS!! OMG now I KNOW THE REAL SENSE OF MY LIFE! hahahah

    Love love love

    Ps: I love your cat eyeliner!

  • Tula October 24th, 2011 10:38 AM

    O god, this is amazing. i like the repulsed face.. I’m going to practice that one haha, and I love your make-up :)
    Hugs!

  • flowerpunk October 24th, 2011 3:07 PM

    Hahahahaha this is hilarious but really useful!! Every girl needs to master the art of Bitchfacing! The Unamused face is actually what i look like most of the time, and I think that my hands go through all positions at least once during every school period!

  • MJ October 24th, 2011 6:01 PM

    LOL excellent! This is me. Older relatives and family friends that have known me since I was born are always like, “When you were little you would NEVER talk. We’d try and ask you questions, and you would just stare at us. You wouldn’t smile or open your mouth. Just stare… blah blah bob loblaw law blog.” By the time they finish telling their story, I’m just standing there giving them your “Unamused” face. You’re awesome.

  • Kyle October 24th, 2011 11:02 PM

    This was an excellent DIY. Thank-you.

  • stellar October 25th, 2011 6:17 PM

    really helpful…

  • Luceisms October 26th, 2011 12:25 AM

    Reading this totally made my night, just sayin’.

  • Sue Denim October 28th, 2011 9:23 AM

    I suffer from chronic bitchface. My face’s default mode is immakillustyledeathstare. The sad thing is I’m all smiles, rainbow, kittens and glitter on the inside 24/7.

  • TheAwesomePossum October 29th, 2011 5:49 PM

    If you can imagine, my thinking “I am a corpse” while attempting the Unamused face actually made me look more lively than I normally do.

    Anyway, I’m a pro at all of these faces, so this was really amusing.

  • X October 30th, 2011 2:37 PM

    i love this! although i already am a person who loves to bitchface and brutally defend myself :D
    i think this will be sooo useful for my future of pissing people off!

    http://newtoughgirl.blogspot.com/
    *_*

  • Maca October 31st, 2011 8:24 PM

    I mastered this task so efficiently, people say I no longer show emotions :(

  • OneOfThoseStrangeStrangers April 27th, 2012 1:09 PM

    Great job.
    I’m already using most of them quite often, but thanks for these extra options ;)
    Oh, and I just practised your “Repulse” face on my mother, and she was like: “What the hell’s wrong with you? You’re really getting weirder and weirder…”

  • imsexyandyousmellfunny April 28th, 2013 9:12 PM

    Although my normal face has been a bitchface since the day I was born, this article is still perfect.

  • swegan June 18th, 2013 12:42 AM

    I LOVE THIS ARTICLE OMG it is going to come in so handy when I have to deal with misogynistic fartheads and girls who don’t understand that sexism is never to their benefit! And people who don’t get feminism! etc etc etc. Also people who tell me that I control my characters (THEY DO CRAZY THINGS I CAN’T STOP THEM REALLY). Really there’s just so many times this will come in handy, especially since I look like a little kid and people tend to talk down to me sometimes.

    Also I like the accessories. I lost it at “gun.” Really everything about this article is just perfect :)

    Although I still don’t get what it is to smize. Could somebody please explain?

  • kolumbia June 22nd, 2013 8:06 PM

    The photos are PERFECT!!! Now I know what to do when “nice guys” call me baby at work. Just because I’m bagging their groceries does NOT mean I want to talk to them!