Live Through This

Getting Over Girl Hate

How to rid yourself of your resentment and jealousy toward that one girl.

This page from a Bikini Kill zine gets it.

1. Separate girl hate from real hate.

It’s probably someone you don’t know too well—maybe you have mutual friends, or she’s in one of your classes. When you see her or she’s mentioned in conversation, you panic a little on the inside as your mind immediately goes to anything about her that could be at all negative. Find it! Quick! Reassure me of her flaws! Step one is seeing these annoying feelings for what they are: girl hate.

Girl hate is not hating someone who happens to be a girl, it’s hating someone because we’re told that, as girls, we should hate other girls who are as awesome as or more awesome than ourselves. That there can ever only be ONE cool girl, ONE funny girl, ONE smart girl, etc., in a circle of people. This myth has a long history, as I gorgeously scrawled here:

This, along with the myth that other girls are obstacles in your Life Goal of Finding a Man (but that’s a WHOLE other chicken-scratch chart), is why girls compete with one another. THIS SUCKS. The only good thing that has ever come out of this is inspiration for Mean Girls.

The good news is that it’s very handy to know when you’ve internalized a societal problem and turned it into how you feel about people in your life and about yourself. You’re not a sexist pig, you’ve just been raised around a bunch of them in the form of some awful magazines and movies and stuff, where women are always competing for the same man, the same title, where the main character looks over at the other girl with her shiny hair, socializing smilingly with a boy, and feels nothing but resentment. Now that you know that, you can understand how stupid it all is, and differentiate between the girls you hate because you’re told to be jealous and the girls who might actually just not be nice people.

The bad news is that sometimes jealousy is more personal than that, and really does have to do with just you and her. You probably feel a little threatened by her because you two are so similar, but you’re afraid she’s an even better version of you. Here’s the thing—the horribly, eye-rollingly cheesy thing: no one can be a better version of yourself than you. And becoming the best possible example of your you-ness does not include focusing on how much you dislike another person.
 

2. Realize it has nothing to do with her.

Seriously. Look at her. You barely know this girl. What, you heard she did something slutty at a party two years ago? Two days ago? Who cares! She walks a certain way, answers questions in class a certain way, wears stuff no one else could pull off? Look: confidence is not a crime. It does not mean a girl is a bitch or a slut, or thinks she’s better than you. It just means that she likes herself. And personally, I don’t wanna live in a world where any girl with healthy self-esteem is labeled a whore, or where you have to dislike yourself to be considered a nice person. As long as we’re talking about good ol’ confidence and not being a total self-absorbed dick, I want everyone to be confident and like themselves! Sincerely. People not liking themselves seems to be where their hating other people begins, and that’s when you get a world full of hatred and spite and darkness, and that is why we have to to sing awful songs in music class about loving children and trees and shit. These songs must be stopped. I have very little patience for them.

So get ready to reevaluate your opinion of this girl. Break the habits of looking for any little things she has done that could count against her, quit listening to gossip, stop judging her pictures on Facebook, and start giving her the benefit of the doubt. Remember: these songs, they are awful.
 

3. New and improved, try Girl Love!

Trust me—you secretly want to be best friends with this girl. Because she’s like you! That’s where the jealousy comes in, remember? I’m close friends with a girl I used to have some serious girl hate for. Recognizing what a wonderful person she is not only made me realize how idiotic I was being before, but it really did make me feel better about myself. Sometimes we can convince ourselves that pointing out flaws in others makes us feel good, but ultimately, those moments of pleasure are fleeting. In the long run, they get you in the habit of looking for flaws in everyone, including yourself.

I’m not saying we all have to be sunshine, lollipops and rainbows all the time. I love my Darias and my Enids and I think a good dose of angst is healthy. But hating people is stressful. Negativity is tiring. Causing drama is dumb. Some people are worth hating, but energy and time and brainpower are too valuable to waste on general shittiness.

4. And above all, maybe the most important thing to keep in mind…

She’s probably insecure about herself, too. We’re all teenagers here. And we’re all going to be insecure no matter what, because whatever hormonal thing is going on inside our bodies (ew, sorry) is so nasty and annoying. It sucks, but it’s why we can find friends and things we love to make it easier. Let’s not make it harder for one another or for ourselves. As Kevin G said, don’t let the hatas stop you from doin’ yo thang. In return, don’t stop anyone else from doing theirs. And if you two happen to share a thang, don’t compete over it. Celebrate it.

kindhearted-abhorrent

94 Comments

  • Celiabow September 6th, 2011 3:23 PM

    This is so true! Even if I can’t resolve my girl hate I can still be home schooled

  • Eve September 6th, 2011 3:26 PM

    You are wise beyond your years: But hating people is stressful. Negativity is tiring. Causing drama is dumb. Where were you when I was 16?!

    LOVE!

    and this does not pass with age, I still see girl hate at age 41. I want to xerox this post and plaster the world with it.

  • maxime September 6th, 2011 3:27 PM

    OooOOhh Keving G!

  • agentfword September 6th, 2011 3:27 PM

    Hell yes. This Recording has an awesome article along the same lines – “How to Be a Woman in Any Boys’ Club” –

    http://thisrecording.com/today/2011/2/22/in-which-we-teach-you-how-to-be-a-woman-in-any-boys-club.html

    - aimed more at grown women. So, you know, it ain’t just a teenage problem; Girl Hate turns into Woman Hate turns into, for all I know, Old Lady Hate – but on the bright side, I’ve never seen more girls, and women, and old ladies, naming the problem and calling it out. So there’s that.

  • Naomi September 6th, 2011 3:29 PM

    i am going to send this to all my friends. i am so glad feminism and riot grrls etc. have made me aware of girl hate and girl love and you’re right! it makes me much happier and confident!

  • Naomi September 6th, 2011 3:30 PM

    oh and best song choice everrrrr

  • Gabby September 6th, 2011 3:39 PM

    I think I laughed and nodded my head like 12 times while reading this. I feel like this is going to be the best school year ever thanks to all of the advice I am getting from Rookie. You rule!

  • Juleskills September 6th, 2011 4:04 PM

    I want “Confidence is not a crime” made into buttons to wear on my jean jacket.

  • lotusgreen September 6th, 2011 4:13 PM

    you said it right at the top “you panic a little on the inside.” maybe it’s fear after all, and not hatred at it’s base.

    in any case, brilliant comments, a terrific beginning, and the perfect guide to the solution.

    i’ve come to realize that that fear/hate changes a lot when you realize that getting a guy is not your only priority.

  • Cosmo Beatrix September 6th, 2011 4:26 PM

    Really love this piece. It epitomizes what i anticipated roomkiemag to be about. Top ten teen/feminism books would be a next great piece please!

    Keep ‘em coming, I LOVE IT. England x

  • LYDIA September 6th, 2011 4:27 PM

    Tavi, Rookie is probably the best idea anyone could ever come up with for a website directed toward especially teenage girls like myself.

    I’ve been reading your blog, The Style Rookie for quite a while and I really admire your self esteem and encouragement.

    Personally, I think there is nothing worse than hatred or jealousy. [I mean I hate my computer when it runs slow but I hope that doesn't count.]

    I honestly understand what you mean when you say that pointing out flaws in others makes us feel good and in the end, we end up picking out flaws in just about everybody- even ourselves. [I know, I've been there.]

    But are they even flaws? Do we all just think that by picking out what we ‘think’ we dislike about someone makes us feel better about ourselves for a while and then when we suddenly realise that after we feel better about it, we also feel worse and then point out what we ‘think’ we dislike in ourselves?

    It could go on forever, until we are jealous of and hate everybody. Do we really want to live in that kind of environment? You’ve definitely made me think deeply about both jealousy and hatred, and you’ve changed my mind about a lot of things too. In a good way.

    By the way I know this has been a really long comment but I think Celebration is a perfect song for this subject.

  • sysrae September 6th, 2011 4:30 PM

    Yes. This. In so many ways this.

  • petya September 6th, 2011 4:32 PM

    This is really great. When I think about my high-school years, I so wish we girls had used our collective energy to fight general patriarchal bullshit instead of each other.

    Congrats on an awesome start, Rookie!

  • Tavi September 6th, 2011 4:45 PM

    agentfword – LOVE molly lambert. molly lambert 4ever. i would also recommend this one to anyone who sees this comment:
    http://thisrecording.com/today/2011/2/28/in-which-your-ballroom-days-are-over-baby-they-got-the-guns.html

    I’m so glad you guys like this one! Thanks! girl love wooooo

  • Rabia September 6th, 2011 4:48 PM

    This is great self-help for teenage girls, I think ALL girls garner girl hate at one point of their teenage life. (Including me.)
    The end made me laugh :D You’re awesome Tavi!

  • auspex September 6th, 2011 4:53 PM

    I work in an environment that is 95% male, which makes avoiding the girl-hate so much harder. But you know what? It feels so good to affirm the positive qualities of another person rather than mentally tallying their flaws. If I am going to compete with her, I would rather it be in good faith.

  • Edy September 6th, 2011 4:54 PM

    “and that is why we have to to sing awful songs in music class about loving children and trees and shit.” That made me laugh out loud at a very inappropriate and awkward time. Anyways i really wanted to comment because this article is so relevant and I think really important. This was right on the money, hit the nail on the head, bet your bottom dollar…and many other sayings… Everyone has felt jealous of a girl or group of girls but when you can recognize it for what it is and that it comes from with in yourself and your own neurosis and really has nothing to do with so and so, life is so much easier. Next time i have ill feelings..I’ll think of my brothers last choir concert..not only were there songs about trees and children but…PLAYGROUNDS…

  • Tavi September 6th, 2011 4:55 PM

    Oh god, not the PLAYGROUNDS!!

  • EveyMarrie September 6th, 2011 5:00 PM

    This is really good. I was uber jealous of a lot of girls in school and thinking back, I honestly think I resented them because I thought they were cool.

    Like this one girl from high school, lets say her name was Margaret, really hilarious, funny, into fashion. In a dream world, we could have been best friends. In reality, two different cliques and her friends made fun of me and my friends, thus all association related to her were off limits. Thus my own girl hate.

    My actual hate is towards this girl that I shouldn’t care about, but just her presence makes me fill up with rage. She was nice at first, then all of a sudden switched and anytime my name left her mouth, it was followed by some bad, dirty comment. Dirty looks, laughing directly at me, ugh. So not cool, yo :) But if I know I didn’t do anything wrong to her before, maybe she’s just full of girl hate towards me I assume? haha

    Oh well, totally love this article.

  • tellyawhat September 6th, 2011 5:05 PM

    What a wonderful post! Give yourself tons of love and you’ll have so much extra love for all the ladies in your life. I find it works best when you surround yourself with women who love to LOVE on each other!

    Let’s all count how many times I said love in this comment. All together now: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5! I think this may have turned into one of those horrible sappy songs you mentioned. BUT SERIOUSLY, LOVE IS SERIOUSLY AWESOME.

  • David September 6th, 2011 5:08 PM

    Congrats on the launch! Exciting!

  • Marguerite September 6th, 2011 5:09 PM

    I will never get used to the girl drama! I HATE IT! I cannot wait to get out of an all girls school!!!!!!!!!

  • AlainaTeeth September 6th, 2011 5:11 PM

    Oh man, this is so accurate. This totally gives me a new outlook on how the school year is gonna turn out. I’ve been so negative and lame. Thank you very much for the advice!

  • sowarlus September 6th, 2011 5:25 PM

    this is a huge truth! I think every one (not just girls because i think pre-judgment is something that applies to all living humans) should read this.

  • unicorn September 6th, 2011 5:34 PM

    i totally agree with every single part of this article.
    but what about the hate guys get? because some guys are reading this too. and the flowchart bit could also be this guy does something better than me. that could hurt my goal of being the coolest dude ever. lets call him gay and make his life miserable. because that makes me cool.
    we need to stop all the hate for everyone. because while girls get the worst girl hate, at least we have websites like this to help us through it. guys dont really have anything.

  • KatieB September 6th, 2011 5:52 PM

    Tavi and all the writers – thank you so much for this!! It’s the modern day Sassy, and this is spot on :D

  • stephanie4786 September 6th, 2011 6:00 PM

    This basically described my friendships throughout elementary school and even a little bit in high school. Especially with someone who I now consider one of my closest friends!

  • db September 6th, 2011 6:03 PM

    boy!

    if i had read this in high school, i possibly could have avoided many fights. and possibly vehicular vandalism.

    possibly.

    (i was crazy!)

  • iWantLovely September 6th, 2011 6:15 PM

    Yay! Somebody else who believes that the root of all the world’s problems is insecurity!!
    <3Lovely

  • Olivia September 6th, 2011 6:28 PM

    Seriously… love this site. And even now still need to hear this kind of advice. Love Mean Girls, and Easy A, and all movies like that. Wish we could all go back to high school for a day and talk to those girls we hated on or were hated by for no reason.

  • junebuglove September 6th, 2011 6:44 PM

    So true. BRING GIRL HATE TO AN END! I love this site, it’s not stupid and fake it’s actually relatable!!! Keep it up, I love this.

  • katie0 September 6th, 2011 7:05 PM

    YES. girl hate creates such a toxic environment. once you take steps to eliminate it you’ll feel so much better! ~positive vibes for all~
    PS- tavi, you rule.

  • Chimdi September 6th, 2011 7:31 PM

    Wow…I didn’t realize…OTHER PEOPLE HATE CHEESY CHOIR LOVE SONGS AS MUCH AS I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Nooo, but seriously, this article is SO true. I didn’t realize “girl hate” is a product of a sexist society.

  • Kacela September 6th, 2011 7:36 PM

    When I was around the outlet shopping area in town i saw the girl who i thought was a total hoe because she got all the guys and is so very confident thatit just gets on my nerves. My mom saw me looking at her weird and she wondered what was going on. I told her and she was like well why do you dislike her and I realized that all of my reasons were based on nothing.

  • Mrs_face September 6th, 2011 7:42 PM

    “confidence is not a crime. It does not mean a girl is a bitch or a slut, or thinks she’s better than you. It just means that she likes herself. And personally, I don’t wanna live in a world where any girl with healthy self-esteem is labeled a whore, or where you have to dislike yourself to be considered a nice person.”

    This line. This line is it. So very perfect.

    Being a teenager is something that is a long way off for me (I’m almost thirty!) but really, this stands outside of highschool – this happens in the real-life adult world too. ALL THE TIME. Great article, Tavi.

  • Alix Boraks September 6th, 2011 7:47 PM

    I almost never comment on stuff I love, but I am commenting on this for the sole reason that I think you should have at least one more person telling you that you’re super awesome.

  • kdizzle September 6th, 2011 8:20 PM

    I don’t like how you felt the need to scapegoat men for the problems women have with each other – kind of old school feminist, if you ask me. But anyway – I think its time we own up to our psychotic behaviors as things we’ve created ourselves and put onto other women. At this point in time, I don’t think it’s accurate to say it started with some guy feeling emasculated.

    I appreciate the idea of getting rid of girl hate – but I think there are new, inventive ideas out there.

    • Tavi September 6th, 2011 8:43 PM

      @kdizzle — The flowchart is more about that mentality on a bigger scale than friend drama — like I said, the magazines, the movies, etc. It shouldn’t be taken so literally that it started with some guy feeling bad about himself. That lil guy is a representation of a culture that’s been controlled mostly by the men who’ve been behind the magazines n movies for ages. (Check out the stats for the ratio of male to female screenwriters, for example.) I still don’t think girl hate is rooted in women’s feelings about each other alone. They’re not rooted in just men’s feelings, either, but that’s why I said jealousy can be more personal than a societal problem.
      Thanks for offering another point of view. I’m glad Rookie feels like a place for this kind of discussion!

  • Amy Rose September 6th, 2011 8:25 PM

    what’s this crazy urge to staple copies of this to every telephone pole in my neighborhood?

  • Aubrey. September 6th, 2011 9:08 PM

    This is the best thing I’ve read in a while! So true! I just want to give a copy of this to every girl in my school!

  • Lilly September 6th, 2011 9:10 PM

    You have an exceedingly brilliant brain, Tavi. I’ve been trying to come to terms with my hatred for other people, and even myself, and this is has helped me greatly.

  • jnew September 6th, 2011 9:25 PM

    i waffle between trying to adapt to this mindframe whole-heartedly and repeatedly falling back into the mudpit belief that “all cool girls are competitive cunts…and that’s cool too” – paraphrased- courtney love, natch.

    i think you can believe both. i’m in the next bracket after teenagehood, but womanhood doesn’t seem to be radically different. you still come across girls who always seem a step ahead, flying through every rite of passage like a gilded unicorn. cooler jobs, cooler boyfriends/husbands, cooler lives in general. maybe you are nothing like the girl (woman) you are hatin’ on, but you WANT to be. dissect what it is about her and recycle it into your own life. i once felt severe girl hate for an artist i knew, so i started investing in my own creative endeavors. before i knew it, the jealous beginnings melted away into some serious inspiration.

    point is, there’s always going to be another female that feels like she’s dancing circles around you. channel the nasty feelings into inspiration to harvest the potential in your own life. it works!

  • Tavi September 6th, 2011 9:26 PM

    jnew, I really love “i once felt severe girl hate for an artist i knew, so i started investing in my own creative endeavors. before i knew it, the jealous beginnings melted away into some serious inspiration.”

  • Brodie September 6th, 2011 9:48 PM

    All the girls I ever thought I hated were just the ones whose clothes I wanted to try on.

  • cookies September 6th, 2011 9:52 PM

    I can really identify with this. But, I feel like trying to make friends isn’t working…

    Love is the answer, man.

  • cookies September 6th, 2011 9:57 PM

    Kind of my relationship with you over the interwebzz-waves, Tavi, hahahaha… ha.
    But, I’m so happy for you and your success!

  • Elle Woods September 6th, 2011 10:19 PM

    Wow. You really have summed it up in a nutshell. I haven’t been able to describe how I was feeling before, but now that you describe it, I realize, gee, it IS girl hate, and I don’t need to waste my time with this. I don’t know where you come up with these philosophies, but I’m sure that you have become a leader to all the girls who read this post. You have certainly become one to me. Thank you for helping me explain how I am feeling.

  • meredithmimi September 6th, 2011 10:24 PM

    does it count as ‘girl hate’ if you just like want to trade lives with someone for like a day or so? cuz that’s how i feel about tavi most of the time…. like i just wanna be her for a day.

    i really hope a man didn’t have anything to do with my life envy.

  • MichyMich September 6th, 2011 11:42 PM

    Tavi, your words will always ring true to me. I have to admit that I do have a dose of girl hate since I get jealous quite easily – e.g. having a “cool” job like modelling, having a ton of friends, having a boyfriend, going out partying (sign of enjoying herself) or meeting with celebrities. After reading this article, I realized that harboring girl hate just made myself even MORE miserable in life and that I shouldn’t be too judgmental about how others want to celebrate their life. Tavi, you taught me a big lesson that I shouldn’t be too judgmental about how others want to live their life.

  • amandaplease September 6th, 2011 11:45 PM

    ~*’ <3 ~ I LOVE YOU, TAVI!!!! :') ~.'*<3

  • Jenny September 6th, 2011 11:56 PM

    @kdizzle: Hey kdizzle, I was thinking about your comment, and I know that it might be frustrating to feel ‘blamed’ for something that you might not feel like you’re a part of, but I think a major part of this article, & in particular, Tavi’s diagram, is about illustrating all the invisible, sneaky ways that we ARE a part of this girl on girl hatred, even if we think of ourselves as generally well-meaning, logical people. Something that happens pretty regularly: A dude and a girl get their steez on and both earn reputations. The dude earns the reputation of a hot dude/a ladies’ man or whatever, and no one really criticizes him for getting a ton of action with different girls, and the girl earns the reputation of being someone who is a desperate, attention-seeking, pathetic slut who lacks self-esteem, etc etc. The girl cannot be compared to the guy because there are different standards for girls and guys re: being a stud/babe who gets a lot of action, and because society congratulates studs and likes how confident they are and society puts down babes and tries really hard to find out if other so-called “non babes” are jealous. So the girl cannot be competitive with the guy because they are not allowed to be in the same competition (only the guy gets to compete with other guys in the ‘who’s the biggest stud!’ competitive, which is a lot more fun and positive than the girl who has to compete with other girls in the ‘who has the least self-respect for herself!’ which no girl wants to be in the running for anyway, which then leads to all kinds of animosity and anxiety and girl on girl dislike.)

    I don’t think this article is saying that girl on girl hate all begins with a guy feeling emasculated, but for sure we have to include guys in this super complicated web of feelings that don’t just arise from girls being catty with each other. The way that society judges boys & girls with two very different sets of criteria plays a major role in the way that girls will sometimes judge other girls with a much harsher set of criteria than girls will sometimes judge boys. And all the while, guys get to look so super above it all because they are not “catty!” Can you see how infuriating it is to be a girl, sometimes?

  • Stephanie September 7th, 2011 12:15 AM

    Okay, I’m dating myself here, but I had that Bikini Kill zine. I think (hope!!!) I still have it. As much of a feminist/riot grrrl/pro-girl power gal as I considered myself in high school, I still fell victim to girl hate. I fell into a cycle with it with one girl. She spread rumors about me. I screamed at the top of my lungs every time she walked into a room, my circle at the park, etc. I know super mature. And we had a ton in common. Finally by the end of my junior year we figured it out. Her entry in yearbook is all about how dumb it was that we hated each other. I still in my early 30s find myself falling victim to this sometimes, but I try whenever possible to transform it into girl love/a girl crush on whatever is so awesome about that girl/woman.

    I love love love everything on this site, but this might be my favorite piece so far (and I don’t hate you at all for writing it more eloquently than I could, I swear. Nothing but girl love for you, Tavs.) I fully intend to plaster the internet with links to it.

  • Ty September 7th, 2011 12:21 AM

    I think it be misguided to pinpoint girl hate on jealously or competition.(Though, I doubt that’s what you’re actually doing) Ultimately, we’re not going to like everyone and everyone is not going to like us, sometimes for no reason, but I’d like to think that be possible. Always a dangerous thing to tackle the social order/hierarchy of high school

    • Tavi September 7th, 2011 12:28 AM

      @Ty — as noted in the post, recognizing girl hate is a way to separate jealousy from disliking someone because they might just not be a nice person.

  • Maimiae September 7th, 2011 12:45 AM

    “they” sell us bull and we buy it. Over and over again. No matter what people say girls and guys r equal. But it’s not just girls who buy this. Guys do too. They get sold the same bull. They we sell it to our kids, it’s a mean circle.

  • saranev September 7th, 2011 1:35 AM

    Okay, so I get kind of mushy and emotional late at night, but I am unbelievably grateful for this, Tavi. I’ve gone back and forth for years on how I feel about a girl I went to high school with — from hating her with a seething and fiery hybrid of jealousy and envy to wanting to be her best and onky friend in the world. I wanted to be more like her then (confident, popular, stylish, student council president, leads in all the school plays, well-liked & well-known), and though I still want to be more like her, I’ve slowly come to realize that my differences have led me down the amazing path that I’ve traveled. Though, as my life unfolds, I wish for some of the things she’s had or currently has, my experiences are so unique and precious and have taught me to be the kind and wise girl I am today.

    So maybe I’m still jealous of her. Maybe I wish I’d gone to school for musical theater. But I’d be so different, you know? I’d be a wannabe (which is only good when you’re a Spice Girl), or a miserable shade of myself trying to be exactly like someone else.

    This really resonated with me, and it’s something I know I’ll need to keep coming back to, but it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one and that other girls have found their way out of girl hate.

  • Pyxie Gwynne September 7th, 2011 2:03 AM

    You hit this one right on the head! Especially in high school, don’t let your own neurosis get the better of you. No one is obsessing over your insecurities – except you – everybody else is much more into obsessing about their own insecurities. There were plenty of “cool girls” in highschool, I made it a point to make friends with them. Think bout it: how much would Angela Chase have learned/realized without Rayanne Graff? Also, don’t hate the girl that is with your ex-boyfriend, it’s petty and her friends do notice your stink-eye around each corner. End girl hate. Don’t let Regina George personally victimize you!

  • GG September 7th, 2011 4:07 AM

    I have to reiterate you have wisdom beyond your years. but then, i dont even think this is an age thing (which is a whole other internal/mental battle for women) but just a cleverness thing. even as a 26 year old i struggle with this and i’m sure most of my peers do.

    very well said. can’t wait to read more of this from you.

    x

  • all-art-is-quite-useless September 7th, 2011 4:18 AM

    This is really relevant!

    Also, is envying the arse off someone else (read: this fantastically cool punk girl in my class at school) count as a form of girl hate?

  • Lotta September 7th, 2011 4:52 AM

    I am so glad i am a teenager in the age of ROOKIE! Thank you to Tavi and all the other contributors.
    I look forward to the many more ROOKIE days ahead!

  • ciggy54 September 7th, 2011 4:58 AM

    I have this issue to some degree. I always have, I find it hard to talk to girls who are more feminine than me, I feel intimidated. I think intimidation is where a lot of girl hate comes from.

  • Christina September 7th, 2011 5:01 AM

    Thank you so much for this article,I see girl hating happen, oh well, almost everyday, at least at my school and it’s like exactly what you said the girls hate girls like themselves..so much truth in this article….

  • Sara September 7th, 2011 5:11 AM

    I’m 23 and still learned so much from this post. Goes to show you don’t just escape from your teens by getting older. Really well written and insightful.. thanks for the good read!

  • HollyGolightly September 7th, 2011 5:31 AM

    Inspired by Eve’s comment, I suggest we all print out a few copies of this piece and blue-tack them onto the walls of the girls’ bathroom in school, in college, at work, in the shopping centre, anywhere. We need to stop the ‘hate’ and spread the love!

  • Izzy September 7th, 2011 10:30 AM

    this is brilliant…I can completely understand girl hate, I have done it so many times….and mostly because they were better than me at something I love…every girl should read this, every girl.

  • becca September 7th, 2011 11:47 AM

    I just thought about the girllove-girlhate-thing on the way home for school, and then it hit me BAM! I’m not a girlhater, because I’m jealous of girls being awesome, but because of their lives are so perfect, and my life is only “okay” or something else sounding really sad and boring. A lot of the time I’m bitching about those damn girls (mostly in my head. I’m a real sweetie on the outside) it’s to make them feel as “ok” as I feel. I just want us to be even. wow this made me sound like an jerk, but come on being a little mean in your head sometime, never heard anybody. Okay, maybe just not that many. When I finally came home, my conclusion was this: awesome girls lives are probably just as “okay” as mine, because they also teenagers and nervous and awkward on the inside. That actually didn’t made me as happy as I thought it would. So i decided to make my life better, than theirs instead of making them miserable in my head. like their is not enough stuff going on up there already.

    Anyways it’s making my life a little bit more perfect that Tavi might read this, like when you first time talk to a really cute guy and you know you’re going to remember the words forever. I thought of just writing “I LOOOVE U TAVI”, but that just didn’t seem like a cool way to start a conversation.

  • TamTam September 7th, 2011 12:39 PM

    Grrrreat Post! Applicable to ANY age group as many people have noticed in the comments above. If only girls were as mature as you are at such an early age. Well done!

    x x Taamra

    http://taamra.blogspot.com

  • erinerin September 7th, 2011 2:54 PM

    HOW ARE YOU ALREADY THE SMARTEST GIRL I KNOW?!

  • Mirae September 7th, 2011 4:01 PM

    This is wonderfully said! This post basically describes every teen girl’s stress and thoughts whenever they’re at school. You will always be jealous at a girl for her clothes, confidence or relationships with other boys, but it’s not like they are fully loving themselves as well. It’s most likely that girl is also jealous of some other girl or maybe you for your creativity, intelligence or being good at sports.

    The whole jealousy thing will never end but I agree, we need Girl Love and get rid of Girl Hate (and stupid “Rocks and Trees” songs)

  • natasha September 7th, 2011 4:30 PM

    I can’t say I can relate at all. I don’t feel this is something I know.

  • carasmatic September 7th, 2011 5:13 PM

    haha i loved this! so relevant

  • Ade September 7th, 2011 8:24 PM

    Yes.

  • kdizzle September 7th, 2011 8:45 PM

    Just to clarify: While I don’t disagree with the fact that girls and guys are held to different standards and how before, and even now, the world’s domination by men in several aspects has caused problems for us lady-folk out there, I simply meant that its time for us to stop blaming society(aka men) for things like girl hate and the different standards. The fact is, its being perpetuated by everyone. We, as PEOPLE, judgmental, jealous, imperfect PEOPLE, are the problems.. Yes its all rooted in several things – but our capacity to change things will only be limited if we keep thinking of things in pairs (men/women, black/white, young/old, rich/poor). Unfortunately, that’s easier said then done.

  • jm24 September 7th, 2011 9:10 PM

    tavi i love you! ive been reading your blog stylerookie ever since you started it i feel like i can relate to anything with you! thank you

  • Shweta September 7th, 2011 9:22 PM

    This is so true you need to bring the girl love and send the message out to everyone.

  • insteadofanelephant September 7th, 2011 11:32 PM

    this is a hard concept to come to terms with. what a great article!

    instead of an elephant

  • Alexis September 8th, 2011 12:26 AM

    I don’t have a comment but I’m like really tired and can’t find a link to register any other way so blaaaaaah you can just reject this comment and I’ll go to sleep knowing I’m registered on my NEW FAVORITE WEBSITE.

  • Luceisms September 8th, 2011 1:40 AM

    Imma be honest here Tavi, I have nursed some serious girl-hate for you over the years. I liked being the fashionable, quirky writer kid, and when my stepmother sent me a link to style rookie three years ago I was a little horrified. Here was a girl who could write far better, had far better fashion sense, was far more successful…and was two years younger than me to boot. How dare this child be so badass and not even out of middle school?? I have read style rookie off and on but could never really enjoy it because I was so consumed by envy! Lately I have realized how totally against my riot-grrrl ethos this is. Keep writing, keep being fabulous, and I will try not to hate you for it. <3 Much love.

  • Molly Blues September 8th, 2011 7:08 AM

    Note: forget about my English. In Spain the Educational System sucks.

    This is pretty scary, & funny. When I discovered your Rookie blog I found myself in everything you posted. I mean, that was fucking SCARY, because everything, every little opinion, hobbies, likes and dislikes seemed to be the same as mine. And as a normal teenager I was looking desperately for my own identity, so that was even harder if someone who was living overseas was my blonde me, like, who the hell am I having a skinnier/blue-eyed version of myself in EE.UU? (yeah, I’m working on my self esteem nowdays). So I decided not try to think about you as a better version of me, because obviously that was fuckin’ depressing. Then I started thinkin’ about the possibility of contact you or something, which I finally dismissed. But now here I am, telling you my personal shit on your magazine (by the way, congratulations, is exactly what I think a magazine should be about, but you should already know that.. just kiddin’!). No resentment at all, now that I’m trying to love myself and have a little of self respect, I imagine going shopping with you to some cool secondhand places or having a lemonade in a virgin suicide typical neighborhood. I just admire you and at the same time I’m happy to have met someone who has the same ideals and good taste in general :) you cannot imagine how hard is to find someone slightly similar to me here in Spain, so I’ll keep dreaming about getting away from here one more time and maybe some day meet all that lovely people I could have things in common with and consequently having some fun.

    Honestly, all my blessings Tavi <3

    p.s: wtf I've just casually read the last comment by Luceisms, I guess not in the same way, but I could identify myself a little with her old opinions.

  • Yamma September 8th, 2011 12:06 PM

    Right onnnnn sister! I’ve been thinking a lot about this too lately: women hating on women etc. and couldn’t agree more with what you have to say. Self-confidence is not a negative thing, and you’re right neither is angst. They’re both equally as empowering, and we girls should look first to the structural, social origins of our girl hate to try and push for some kind of change, rather than admonishing every girl who might not be like us (or as it seems to be the case more often than not, might be “too” much like us). In FACT I came across this new zine the other day (and without this sounding like an awful plug, not intended I don’t work for these people honest!): http://www.gotagirlcrush.com/tagged/magazine that I’d recommend to anyone who finds themselves on this page. It’s called “got a girl crush” – I mean, need I say more?

  • ohyayitsholly September 8th, 2011 1:37 PM

    Definitely sharing this article with every girl I know! Thank you! Succinct, good solid advice for ladies of any age. Looking forward to more awesomeness in the future.

  • stellar September 8th, 2011 8:39 PM

    and why make a new problem from not knowing her well enough (that’s where anxiety comes from). i actually found out that a girl who my guy had a crush from years ago liked me once i got to know her better. so if his head was ‘turned around’ it was his problem, not hers or mine. she simply expressed a part of herself i’d lost along the way in being his longtime girlfriend. so it helped me to re-express that part of myself once again. so right about how she is really your friend because you do have a lot in common! she’d turned him down as more than a friend back then, and she understood his behavior so she could share that insight with me.

  • Mal September 9th, 2011 2:32 AM

    This is literally the best thing I’ve seen directed towards teenage girls in a long time. It took me nearly a decade to figure this one out on my own! Granted, Le Tigre albums and Jessica Valenti contributed significantly to my a-ha moment. This is so true and just SO GREAT. I cannot like it enough, I cannot stress its importance enough.

    Being mindful of your haterade is the quickest way to reduce your self-loathing and increase your friendships! Plus, having a hugely diverse group of girlfriends is the best.

  • camilla__ September 9th, 2011 7:51 AM

    Love this post Tavi! I recently stumbled across this website I found on Ms Magazine’s blog. It’s all about encouraging girl love through celebrating achievements. It really inspired me to write my own post on girl love on my blog Girls Are Made From Pepsi, which is basically a celebration of lady lovin’ (and not necessarily in a sexual way!). I think a lot of the reasons girls are so antagonistic towards each other is slightly homophobic. Love doesn’t always have to be sexual, and more girls need to realise it.

  • victoria September 9th, 2011 9:06 AM

    This article has changed so much about the way that I look at my friendship and other girls (i’m much, much happier now). thanks Tavi ♥

  • catshapedeyes September 9th, 2011 9:16 AM

    I’m speechless. This is just…PERFECT! Way to finally perfectly articulate something that couldn’t exactly be ‘described’ so well before. <3 I love you Tavi.

  • Malu September 9th, 2011 11:43 PM

    I used to be incredibly catty when I was in 5th grade. Usually, it was because I was jealous. I hate to admit that, but it’s true. In a world that is still (2011!) dominated by men, we need to be mutually respectful to one another. I have so many friends that just can’t quit slandering other women, I’m glad I have an article to show them. =)

  • Katie September 10th, 2011 12:53 PM

    I’m a senior this year, and my three best friends all went to college two weeks ago. I also go to online school because of health problems, and only attend ‘regular’ school for drama class. (It’s a performing arts high school and I want to be an actress.) Long story short because all my friends are in different states, I thought this year was going to suck, but with the advice I’m getting from Rookie, it might just be my best year yet :)

  • Kaleidoscopeeyes September 10th, 2011 1:17 PM

    I love this so much! The entire time I was thinking about one girl and it’s true, I secretly want to be her BFF but since I’m not it makes me “hate” her. It’s the girl me and all my friends are jealous of but make pathetic attempts at pretending we’re not. And why are we jealous? Because she’s pretty and funny and has lots of friends and all the guys like her and she seems really nice. And that’s why people like me who feel like loseres because we’re not her carbon copy trash her, roll our eyes at everything she does, and secretly FaceBook stalk her.

  • a.c harry truman September 11th, 2011 11:39 AM

    Great words of wisdom Mizz Tavi! I used to have girl hate when I was younger and came to the same realization as you. In recent months I have forgotten all about the girl loving phenomenon and have resorted to a lil bit of girl hatin. Thank you for the reassurance and reminder!
    Bikini Kill said it best, “That girl thinks she’s the queen of the neighborhood
    I got news for you, she is!”

  • Petunia September 13th, 2011 3:45 PM

    Tavi, you are wonderful. I am 28 years old and your advice still rings true. One thing I have learned about the real world since I got out of school, is that the real world is STILL like high school. I can follow your advice even though it’s been over 10 years since I graduated high school. I’m going to bookmark this article. Thank you.

  • Kaylahh96 September 14th, 2011 12:20 AM

    This article is amazing! its completely true, all girls in hgih school should read this…it might make the world a better place :)

  • totravelistolive September 15th, 2011 1:07 AM

    so, how are we to react when that one girl in constant competition with women “more awesome than herself” shares this post as a means to re-assert her domain and rank as the most original and least vulnerable? Are we to commend her for her brilliant contribution?

  • razingthebra September 16th, 2011 11:23 AM

    I really like some of your points, and think this is so well written. But what I find hard to grasp is that people somehow think you’re not being a proper feminist if you don’t get on and love all other women. Perhaps it’s just a product of a sexist world that if men engage in some friendly bitching about each other it’s ‘banter’ but if women do it against other women then they’re destroying the sisterhood – I don’t know.

    razingthebra.tumblr.com